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The last day had been a whirlwind, one that Ez struggled to piece together, trying to make sense of. Kayn had been on a day trip to see his adoptive family, reassuring Ezreal before he left on when he'd be home. “4 o’clock, see you then.”
4PM had come and gone.
Kayn wasn't home.
Maybe he'd gotten caught up, no big deal, he'll give it a little more time.
6PM.
Kayn wasn't home.
Kayn hadn't messaged.
Ez had sent a text, a check in, wanting to know about updated times. Usually they ate together, they had routines in place, things Ezreal had gotten used to about how their lives meshed together. Kayn always updated Ez on where he was or when he was headed home, and Ez did the same when he was out. It was a courtesy thing, just letting each other know they were safe.
The reply came 20 minutes later, “Yeah sorry got talking and time passed faster than I thought! I'm heading home now”
Something was wrong.
Ezreal felt a churn in his stomach.
Another hour passed, and Kayn had rolled his beat up red car into the driveway and come into the house, toting a small paper bag.
“Hey, brought some leftover sushi if you want.” He'd said, holding up the bag like a prize catch, a smile stretching across his face.
Ez hesitated. He should ask. “Is there something going on?”
The smile falls. The bag is lowered. Kayn sighs. “I think…we should break up.” He opens the fridge and puts the bag inside. “Or take a break, or something, I don't know.”
“Why?”
“This isn't working.”
Ezreal blinks, tears already threatening to spill from his eyes. “Okay, but…why? We just went on our trip. What happened? Did I do something? This is just kind of sudden, like, we can fix this, or I can work on stuff, or we can go to couples therapy, or something, there's options, it doesn't have to just be over…” He knew he wasn't handling this well, but he'd done this before. Had a moment with an ex, panicked, broke things off, and that ex hadn't wanted to get back together. He'd been heartbroken. He wanted to make sure that wasn't the case here. He didn't want Kayn to feel that way.
“No, this…it just has to be this way.”
“Can we talk about it?” Ez stared at the other man in the kitchen.
Kayn opens his mouth, looking Ez over, then closes it again, nodding.
The two had gone into the bedroom, sitting on the bed, Kayn pulling him into a slight hug.
They'd talked. Ez wasn't hearing him.
He tried. He had. He was overwhelmed, he was confused, he was trying to piece together where he'd messed up, what he'd done, and trying to stop crying. He'd always been like this, always felt too much, and Kayn had always told him it was okay, that he should feel what he feels, that it wasn't an issue.
Until now.
He could tell Kayn was annoyed by the tears.
“Okay, I'm…” Ez takes a deep breath, “I'm not handling this well, I can't focus, I want to hear you, but I can't do this right now. It's late and I'm not okay. Can we do this in the morning? Or tomorrow? After sleep? I want to make sure I'm in a better headspace. I want to listen and I can't right now.” He sniffs, searching Kayn's face for reassurance. “You can have someone come over if you want, as a buffer, like someone you trust or something, I want you to be comfortable, I want to hear you out.”
Kayn seems to think it through, twisting his face up a few times, but otherwise showing next to no emotion about the subject at hand. “I guess. Sure. Yeah. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I'll see if my mom can come by.”
And that had been it. He'd picked up his phone and texted her, and she agreed to come by the next day when she got off work. Ezreal felt a little relief. He could do this. He just needed to take a break, a step back, a breath.
“Do you want to do something?” Kayn tossed his phone back onto the nightstand. “Play League or get high? Just to turn off the brain?”
Ez nodded, still sniffing a bit, and Kayn got up, Ez following to the kitchen as they pulled open the drawer and dug out the edibles.
They'd played League. They'd gotten high. The impending conversation was temporarily forgotten, set to the back burner as they passed the hours.
“I have the munchies.” Kayn said over the call as they loaded into another ARAM.
“We can get a snack after this one!” Ez chirped, giggling slightly. He didn't usually like to get high, but this was nice compared to the anxiety swirling through his veins.
They'd finished up the game, bantering like normal, and met up in the kitchen again after shutting everything down, deciding on a pizza to share. Kayn started to heat up the oven, and Ez’s thoughts were getting the better of him again. He felt tense, he was anxious, he wanted to know what was going on, he didn't understand how they could go from saying “I love you” at concerts to…this.
Kayn sidled up next to him. “Hey…” He put an arm around Ezreal, pulling him close. “Look, I'm sorry. I actually…” Ezreal felt him swallow, now locked into a hug with the other man. “I don't want to do this. I don't want to break up with you.” Kayn let out a choked sob. “I love you. So much. I don't want this.”
“So don't…”
“I know. You're right. We'll talk about it tomorrow. We've had issues before and worked them out, and I've seen how hard you work on shit. We've got options. This is a thing couples go through all the time.” Kayn pulls back, looking at Ez through watering eyes. “Okay?”
“Okay…” Ezreal manages a smile back, reaching up and wiping at his eyes.
The oven dings, and they shift apart suddenly. The rest of the night passes in a blur. Pizza made. Eating it with some bad YouTube on. Laying down to sleep and Kayn pulling him in for cuddling.
“Kayn?”
“Mm?”
“You mean it? You don't want to go?”
“I mean it. I love you, Ez.”
The next morning, Ez had woken up first. He didn't want to move. The night before came crashing over him like a wave, and he wanted to just curl up and go back to sleep. He rolled over, looking at Kayn, sleeping peacefully.
He had a bad feeling in his stomach, the way he always gets when he just knows something, just like he'd known before Kayn had even gotten home the day before that something was wrong.
He already knew it was over. He knew he was going to fight for it, and he knew he was going to lose.
He wanted to marry Kayn.
They'd talked about it the week before.
And now…
Kayn shifted in his sleep, bleary eyes opening to meet Ezreal’s. “...hey.”
Ez managed a smile, “Hey…”
They sat in silence for a minute.
“Can I get you something? Or do you want space? Or…” Ez let the rest trail off, hoping Kayn had something, anything, to say to him.
“I think I need space. I'm going to call my therapist before mom comes by after work.” He grunts out, flipping over, facing away from Ez and picking up his phone.
“Okay…I can make you breakfast…?”
“No, Ez. Just space.”
Ez swallows the lump in his throat. “Okay. I'm going to go play League, if you need me just message or come get me, I'll just be in the other room.”
He's met with silence.
He peels himself out of bed, trudging towards his designated office space where he keeps his computer set-up for his streams, a side hobby that had brought him to the Heartsteel house in the first place, how he'd met Kayn and the others, something that was finally starting to take off for him. Maybe it was the connections he'd made through the band, but it had been going up, numbers-wise, and he'd started a rhythm of it and was working hard on his channel.
He turns on the computer.
He loads up League.
The games were awful alone.
Hours pass, not a word from the other room, not a single message, not even an offer to eat together, not a peep, and the games just roll together, one after another, Ez growing more and more anxious as he tries to keep his composure in order to have this conversation. He wanted to listen. He wanted to fix whatever he'd done that was a problem, whatever he'd messed up on that hadn't been an issue a week ago. Did he close a door too hard? Was it him being too tired to reciprocate after they'd…
Ezreal sighed, the defeat screen flashing in front of him on the monitor. Again. He wasn't having good games. He wasn't in the headspace for it at all.
He just wanted to fix things.
He just wanted his best friend back.
The door in the other room opens, and he hears Kayn move through the house and open the front door. Frantically, Ez looks at the clock. 5PM? Already? Now? Hushed voices come from the other room before footsteps make their way to the doorway where Ezreal sits in his computer chair.
“Coming?” Kayn asks.
Ez turns, nodding. “Can I bring like…something to hold? Like a fidget toy or something? Just to keep myself present?”
The other man shrugs. “Sure.”
“Okay!” His voice comes out higher pitched than intended, and he looks over his desk. What won't be too distracting? He settles on a Rubik’s cube and a pen, grabbing both, having just gotten the cube for this exact reason, something to keep his hands busy during conversations or just to mess around with so he wasn't scrolling TikTok absentmindedly anymore.
Ezreal stands up and walks into the living room. Syndra was already sitting down, her coat and shoes still on, purse held in her lap, and Kayn sits across from her on the chair. That left the loveseat for Ez. It felt too big, and he felt stupid holding the toy in his hand, needing that lifeline during this.
He sits, swallowing hard, and starts the conversation, “So…what's going on?”
“No.” Kayn almost cuts him off with the word. “We aren't talking about it. We're breaking up, and I'm leaving, now. I'm going to pack a bag and go to her house for a while.”
Ezreal's stomach drops, ice spiking through him. What about them talking about it? What about Kayn saying he didn't want to? What about every promise made, them talking about how happy they were a week ago, the concerts, the trip, the picture…
Kayn was standing in front of him, Ez blinks and looks up. “Wh-what?”
“I said, can I have a hug?” Kayn stares at him, his face hardened, unreadable, completely devoid of emotion.
The loveseat sways under him. He couldn’t be serious. Kayn wanted a hug? He was breaking up with him, but he wanted a hug? He didn’t want to even talk despite promising that the night before and telling Ez how much he loved him, and now he wanted a hug? Ez shakes his head, “No, no I can’t… I don’t want you to touch me right now… I don’t… I can’t.” He looks down at the cube and pen in his hands, his knees pressed together, the whole world spinning and vision blurring. Was this real? Was it just a nightmare? Would he wake up any minute now back in their hotel in the city, turning over to see his boyfriend and getting to chat about the concerts? Would they both set their phone lockscreens to a different pic of them together?
The front door shuts.
Ezreal looks up, Kayn and Syndra were gone. He hadn’t even registered them leaving.
He was alone.
He hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye.