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Mika shouldn’t even be thinking about this. She’s lying on the bench in the intern locker room, staring at the ceiling. There’s the faint sound of a shower running and every now and again, she hears the bang of a locker door, but all Mika can think about is Jules Millin. Of all things to be worrying about right now- the interns were at risk of losing their jobs (again!) and the fact that Garrett died after she had a hand in suturing his aorta- she’s thinking about her fellow intern.
She plays the moment back a hundred times over- the two of them sitting close on the gurney, Mika’s shaking hand in both of Jules’ as she pressed her thumbs into the space between her thumb and index finger. She pictures Jules looking up and asking if it was working, her eyes meeting Mika’s. She remembers the way her own gaze shifted between Jules’ eyes and her lips. She doesn’t remember who leaned in first. She doesn’t remember if Jules leaned in at all.
Because Jules Millin is a lot of things. She’s cynical and witty. She’s crazy smart and matches Mika’s competitiveness mostly just to see her riled up. She’s scrappy and resourceful and, Mika would never admit it, but she’s slowly become her favourite intern.
What she is not, however, is touchy. She’s hyper-independent almost to a fault. So why would Jules Millin lean in to kiss her?
But then she starts thinking about the last couple weeks. Jules opening up about her family and the reliance they place on her.
Jules Millin chose to share that intimate part of herself with Mika.
And then she thinks about the time in the locker room after that trauma with the med students. Mika was pissed to say the least. Tarryn purposefully kept her from a good case and she was mad. But then there was Millin, asking for her hand and showing her the acupressure trick the first time.
Jules Millin chose to initiate that contact. She asked for Mika’s hand.
And then a few days ago when they were studying for the ABSITE? That was the most vulnerable she’s ever seen Jules. She’d never even seen her cry before- she was actually convinced she didn’t have tear ducts- but maybe seeing her like that is what made her cancel her surgery and help her study. Mika would never do that for anyone. She’d been craving the feeling of a scalpel in her hand for weeks and yet, she gave it all up because Jules Millin was vulnerable.
Jules Millin dropped her walls and let Mika in.
They studied for hours on that gurney. Mika doesn’t even remember falling asleep. She remembers lying down on her back, Millin still sitting against the wall, the crease between her eyebrows deep as she read through her own scribbled notes. She must’ve lied down too, because when Mika woke up, they were tangled together, flashcards scattered everywhere.
She remembers waking first and looking over to see Jules, skin glowing in the warmth of the morning sun, the crease between the brows finally smoothed over. She had attached herself to Mika through the course of the night, with one leg thrown across the other girl’s waist, her head tucked close resting on Mika’s arm.
Jules Millin, who refused to move into the intern house and only ever crashed in an on-call room when Max was severely ill, fell asleep on her. She trusted her enough to burrow herself against her. That there, was not nothing. Not to Mika.
She’s not even sure how long she spends ruminating over the last few hours, and days, and weeks, but it’s long enough that the shower stops running.
“You okay?”
Mika refocuses her eyes, her gaze landing on the subject of her racing thoughts. Jules stands there, hair damp from her shower, tank top strap slipping off her shoulder as she pulls a sweater out of her locker. She fixes her eyes on Mika again, concern evident.
“Just thinking,” Mika says. She pulls herself upright but keeps her gaze on her hands, the door, the lockers. Anything to not look at Jules.
Jules pulls her sweater over her head and sits down next to Mika, far enough that they’re not touching at all, but Mika can still feel the heat radiating off her body and smell her peach-scented body wash. Its overstimulating.
“I know. I’m worried too. But Bailey will figure it out. She always does.”
Right. Because she was supposed to be thinking about potentially getting fired and not replaying the moment Jules leaned in to kiss her.
Jules doesn’t talk, just gives her space to be. But the silence is dangerous, and soon Mika has gone back to thinking about what it would’ve felt like if Jules didn’t pull away. Her brain is fogging up quickly.
“Can we talk?” The questions slips through her lips before she can think about whether it’s even a good time to bring this up. But she needs to know where Jules stands with this.
“About the Lucas thing?”
“No, about before that. Before Blue walked in.”
“Oh.” There’s a flash of recognition on Millin’s face but, in true Jules fashion, she keeps her composure. “I mean, what do you think that was?”
How could she possibly be so okay when Mika is spiralling. It’s almost infuriating.
She swallows hard and nods her head in finality.
This is where she decides: get ahead of the heartbreak.
Control the damage.
“I think we were tired,” she says, eyes fixed on her fidgeting fingers.
“Yeah. And stressed.”
“Right,” Mika nods along, Even though her heart is falling through her ribcage. “I was panic-brained, and you were there, and I latched onto the closest thing for comfort.”
“Comfort, right.”
Mika doesn’t see it at first. She doesn’t register the shift in gravity until Jules is suddenly closer, her knee brushing Mika’s, her shoulder warm and solid against Mika’s arm.
The air becomes impossible to breathe.
“And,” Jules says quietly. “Do you need comfort now?”
Mika’s pretty sure her brain short circuits.
Was Jules Millin- Jules of all people- asking if she wanted to kiss her?
She silently adds ‘bold-as-fuck’ to the list of Jules attributes she’s been putting together for the last little while. She just about pulls herself together to see Jules leaning in slightly, her eyebrow cocked in question.
“I-uh,” Mika stammers. “Well we could lose our jobs.”
“Right.”
“And I can’t imagine a scenario in which I’d need more comfort than that.”
Jules doesn’t move away. If anything, she softens, searching Mika’s face for any signs of hesitation.
Then she closes the distance.
Jules Millin is kissing her. Her hand is gently cupping her jaw as she sucks on her lower lip, and Mika cannot process a single second of it. Considering she spent an unserious amount of time thinking about the feeling of Jules Millin’s lips on her own, nothing could’ve prepared her for the experience. They were warm and deliberate and devastatingly skilled in the way they explored Mika’s mouth.
The kiss lasts longer than Mika expects. Long enough for her fingers to latch onto Jules’ sweater. Long enough to trip over her own pulse.
Jules places a last fleeting peck on her lips as she pulls away and she instantly misses the contact.
“Better?” Jules asks, her voice low and unsteady.
Mika hums. It’s the only sound her brain can manage right now.
Jules smirks, obviously finding joy in Mika’s dazed expression. But her smirk soon falls and she actually looks a little nervous at Mika’s lack of a response.
“It can be a comfort thing, if you want that is,” Jules says. “Or it doesn’t. It’s whatever.”
She drops her hand from Mika’s cheek, fingers lingering for a beat longer.
“But just so you know, earlier in the tunnels? I didn’t lean in earlier because I wanted comfort. I leaned in because I wanted to kiss you.”
It’s the second time this evening that something Jules said has knocked the wind out of Mika’s lungs. All the racing thoughts that she managed to catch onto during that kiss are suddenly scattering again- too many, too sharp and too fast to try and grab onto all at once. She must sense Mika’s hesitation, because Jules’ expression softens. Even when she’s nervous and falling apart, she’s always tuned into Mika in a way that makes her lightheaded.
“We don’t have to define it right now,” she reassures gently, squeezing her hand before letting go. “We do, however, have to get out of this hospital. I cant stand to be here any longer.”
She tugs Mika’s hand as she stands and pushes her in the direction of the showers. Mika stands under the hot water and lets it wash away the day. She almost thinks she’s hallucinated the last hour of her life, but when she emerges from the shower, Jules is still there. She’s leaning casually against the lockers like she didn’t just tilt Mika on her axis.
“Ready?” she asks when she notices Mika standing there. “You’re driving.”
Mika doesn’t know where she’s driving to, but she does know that she’d follow Jules to the ends of the earth if it meant getting to kiss her again. She leaves the locker room with maybe a couple more questions than when she entered, but with the lightest feeling bubbling in her chest, and that was enough for now.