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Fuck.
Shinji sluggishly turns over under the blankets for the hundredth time today. He’s long gotten tired of scrolling through his phone and has compromised by staring at the wall. A single conclusion hasn’t been reached in his mind since he stopped showing up to class. He can’t tell what thoughts are even his anymore… Though he supposes technically they are all his thoughts.
That’s right, isn’t it? Shinji feels himself blink for the first time in a while. Everything I’m thinking… is still me.
His mind often wanders to his newfound memories of Kaworu during times like this. That absolutely isn’t helping him make a decision, but he’s allowed to have some comfort, isn’t he? Shinji’s eyes fall closed as his thoughts overtake him. There, he lays next to a younger Kaworu rambling on about some philosophical idea that Shinji didn’t entirely understand. He was scared, but having this strange boy by his side seemed to help. With Asuka under treatment and Misato far from kind in her stress, going home started to simply be difficult. It felt safer to run and sleep anywhere else. This usually ended up with Shinji waking up curled up in an alleyway under some damp newspaper. It was horrible but being home was even worse. He hated being there. He had never been good at staying at one place for long anyway.
Shinji was quickly brought out of his spiral by the sound of Kaworu turning over on the floor mattress.
“I think I may have just been born to meet you, Shinji Ikari.” Kaworu said so softly Shinji almost didn’t hear it.
Shinji inhaled sharply, his brown eyes meeting Kaworu’s own ruby red ones that stood out in the dark room. He knew now what comes after this night and a feeling of dread starts to form in his stomach.
He’s going to die tomorrow, and it will be my fault. I need to show him I feel the same. Get down there with him. his intuition screams at him. Hold him while you still can. Kiss him. Do something!
Should we really be thinking that about another boy…?
…
“What?” Shinji’s voice came out hoarse. It was the first word he’s said in days.
I know its Nagisa-kun but…
No.
Isn’t this wrong?
The use of exclusively Kaworu’s surname told Shinji exactly who’s thoughts were coming to the front of his brain. Out of the many many lifetimes he’s lived, only one of them held that name for a substantial amount of time. That loop had been… weird. Him and Kaworu’s relationship was very rough and complicated. Shinji obviously still had feelings for him back then, but much of it was clouded by this strange guilt that plagued him. Since he regained his memories, he had stopped to think about this fact a little bit. The guilt most likely didn’t come from a place of actual homophobia, but more guilt that he was happy which was fundamentally wrong.
I guess knowing that does not keep the thoughts away. Shinji mused.
His eyes had been open for a while at this point. There wasn’t much of a reason to reminisce about the past if there was a voice continuously saying this was gross, albeit nervously.
Shinji’s resolve suddenly became much stronger as he continued to recover from the shock this situation has delivered to him. He had to fix these thoughts no matter what choice he made. Even if he chose to cut contact with Kaworu, he didn’t want a part of him to think that way no matter if he remembered why or not. Another first was achieved today as he sat up fully, with significant trouble. Who knew that it’s extremely hard to even sit up if you barely move for days at a time? His arms raised above his head to stretch out at least some of the pain and stiffness he was feeling before settling down crossed on his stomach.
Shinji knew he was about to do something stupid.
“Why do you feel that way?” he asked aloud, only to himself.
He was met with a weird silence in his brain for a while. It was obvious many other lifetimes of Shinjis agreed with this sentiment but were choosing to let this play out themselves. Besides, what better than a much older and more mature Shinji to have this pseudo conversation out of any of them?
After a moment, Shinji spoke up again. “You know how we feel about him. There’s no need to be ashamed anymore.” He felt tears start to prick at the edge of his eyes “You deserve to feel happy… I deserve to be happy.”
Something clicked in Shinji’s mind, but he needed to ignore that for now. He wasn’t ready to make a decision yet.
…
Do I really—
Suddenly, two soft knocks made their way to Shinji’s ears. He quickly figured out it was more of an announcement rather than asking permission when his door slowly creaked open.
“Dude…” Asuka’s voice came from halfway behind the door “are you, like, talking to yourself?”
Her question was only slightly laced with judgment. She had already been made aware her roommate was going through a rough patch, but maybe the prospect of him talking aloud to himself was concerning enough to go check in. Shinji knew he couldn’t explain it properly, but he didn’t want to look crazy either.
After not getting a response, Asuka peaked her head all the way in the room.
“Are you crying…?” she slowly asked as her eyes widened slightly.
Shinji hadn’t noticed the tears staining his cheeks that had started to flow freely. He instinctually wiped them away with the back of his forearm before returning to look at the girl in front of him.
I have to say something. I look insane right now.
Instead of answering any of her questions, Shinji figured to ask his own.
“Do you ever…” Shinji started as Asuka leaned against the doorframe “regret the ideals you had in the past?”
“H-Huh???” Asuka sputtered out “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know… Say someone used to be really, um, judgmental of certain aspects about another person. Now they don’t feel that way. Maybe they’re even embarrassed having felt that way at all.”
Shinji tried to be vague but knew he wasn’t making much sense because of it. He can’t tell her about the real problem at hand here.
“Well, you don’t feel that way now, right?” Asuka looked off to the side at nothing in particular. “So why are you still hung up about it?”
She saw right through you. Great going…
He should’ve known better than to try and ask Asuka, of all people, a serious question. She’s always been very blunt and to the point. Shinji supposes he somewhat enjoys the fact that she stayed the same in that aspect.
There wasn’t going to be a resolution in this conversation and Shinji didn’t have much energy to keep talking. However, he did try to take her advice, if you could call it that, to heart.
She’s right. We’ll just have to work on making peace with our feelings—
“Unless you, like, really hurt someone?”
Oh.
Shinji felt his shoulders tense up. He thinks about how Kaworu looked at him after being harshly shoved off him. That smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes was plastered on his face.
I could tell Nagisa-kun was sad, even if he was good at hiding it. I kinda felt bad but… it was scary.
…
Why did I do that?
Isn’t that what I wanted?
…
…
Maybe I wanted to hurt him.
Maybe I wanted to hurt myself.
Shinji cleared his throat before speaking.
“Thank you.” He said, ultimately not answering any of her questions. “I’ll think about that.”
Asuka pushed herself up off the doorframe before starting to close the door.
“Whatever you say, weirdo.”
The wording was teasing but there wasn’t any malice in her tone. The door clicked closed behind her and her footsteps gradually got quieter leaving Shinji by himself once again.
I really did love him.
Oh right, not alone for maybe the rest this life.
He decided to lay back down, already exhausted from the amount of human interaction he’s had today. He’ll have to work up to a normal social life again after this but for now he let the promise of sleep sweep that away. There wasn’t a clear conclusion with his homophobic headmate.
Things like this take time, I guess...
Shinji hummed in thought as he let his eyes fall shut once again. The warmth of the blankets helped him quickly become overtaken by sleep.
…
…
…
“If you ever felt anything for me, you’ll grant my request.”
Shinji lay in bed repeating the previous day’s events so much his head started to hurt. He knew what Kaworu meant by saying that and, subsequently, what it meant for Shinji to do what he was told. In the heat of the moment, he didn’t really have what it took to lie out of shame.
He died knowing how I felt, right?
“Not necessarily.” came a voice next to him that he wasn’t really surprised to hear.
He shifted his body to look over at Kaworu sitting on the edge of the bed, an unreadable expression on his face. The grey mess of hair was going every direction it could, and his hands were fidgeting slightly.
Shinji wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words.
“But that was a long time ago.” Kaworu spoke once again “You can’t change what happened, so isn’t it better to just make peace with it?”
Shinji felt the words leave his mouth before he had a chance to think about them.
“I love you.”
“…I know”
“This is all so confusing!” Shinji raised his voice slightly “I feel ashamed… isn’t this wrong? I did so much to you and you’re still… in love with me! I’m awful, I don’t deserve this! Even if you were annoying, who cares? At least you cared about me—”
The rambling was cut short by a hand being placed on Shinji’s arm.
“I did terrible things too, didn’t I?” Kaworu began to softly rub Shinji’s arm in a comforting motion. “We were both disturbed teenagers… We were bound to make bad decisions.”
Kaworu lifted his hand to push himself farther onto the bed. The loss of contact made Shinji frown more slightly but was quickly replaced by Kaworu’s arm around his waist as he began to lay beside him.
“That was hundreds of years ago.” Kaworu managed to breathe out a laugh though they both knew he wasn’t joking. “You deserve to be happy. Let’s just save working through everything for another time.”
There wasn’t much to argue there. It was rare Kaworu admitted to doing anything wrong in the past. Even more than that, he admitted Shinji did something wrong which was rarer.
Shinji leaned into Kaworu’s shoulder and let out a heavy sigh.
“You’re right. Thank you.” Shinji whispered.
After everything he’s gone through, Shinji knew deep down that healing wasn’t going to be linear. He had never been given the opportunity to heal this part of him until now anyway. Even if he forgot all about this, he still thinks this was a good decision. That scrawny, angry, 14-year-old boy still deserves to have some closure no matter what current Shinji decides.
For now, this is okay.
… I’m happy.
…
…
…
Shinji woke up the next day, at the ripe time of 3pm, to find a piece of paper slid halfway under his door. He groggily got out of bed to pick it up and look it over.
“Number for mental hospital
259-xxx-xxxx
-Asuka”
He raked his hand through his hair and down his face.
“Great. Thanks.”