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The sudden gust of cold September wind blowing, from the crack of the door opening, had caught Kei off guard, his grasp tightens, nerves drowning him whole. He tries to stabilize his breathing, to look as calm as he can with hundreds pairs of eyes looking his way, the white, beaming spotlight shining on him as he walks through the door.
He can feel his knees trembling, his steps heavy, eyes glued to his feet, afraid that he would accidently step on a wire that would cause him to fall, face first, flat on the white platform. He took a deep breath, before shifting his gaze forward.
And there was Jo, in a full complete white suit, smiling from ear to ear, waiting for him at the end of the aisle.
He always had dreams of an outdoor wedding, in a garden filled with flowers to accompany his once-in-a-lifetime beautiful moment, vowing the rest of his future to the love of his life.
Now it's getting real, with Jo waiting at the end, his hands reaching out to Kei’s own, colors of arrangements in the background, making his white suit pop out, like Nacre reflecting the luster and beauty of the white pearl.
Jo’s warm, wide hands welcomed him to the altar, the sound of their friends and family cheering as the background. The sky behind them starts to blend into pink and orange, the sun almost setting when they bow to each other.
It takes everything in Kei to keep himself standing, to make sure his knees don't buck, the blinding spotlight on them feels like it's burning every nerve in him. He didn't expect his wedding to be such a nerve-wrecking moment for him.
“It’s okay, take your time love” Jo whispers at him, when the officiant holds out the microphone, for them to say their vow.
Prior to the ceremony, Kei had sat with Jo for months just for this part of the wedding – the vow. They didn't know whether to keep it simple, or to make it emotional, or maybe funny – both of them agree that neither one of them could actually be funny – they tried, just to end up cringing at how hard they are trying.
“You can just say what you feel? You know?” Jo ran his fingers along Kei’s soft brown hair, looking down at the older laying on his lap.
“I might cry tho” Kei shifted, poking the ball pen in his grip to Jo’s side, trying to pull a laugh out of him.
"Isn’t it normal to cry at your own wedding?” Jo says in between giggles, before catching Kei’s hands into his grasp to stop him.
“I want the pictures to come out pretty! I don't want me sobbing make it into the cut”
“Does it matter? You look pretty even when you cry hyung” Jo bent down, bringing Kei’s hand in his grasp to his lips, planting a small kiss on the older’s knuckles.
They end up not discussing their vow anymore after that, choosing to keep it as a surprise for the wedding. Kei had spent almost a whole week to perfect it, while Jo never brought it up, and Kei suspected Jo had chosen to take the ‘being funny’ route, so they can just laugh and smile perfectly for the picture.
Kei ended up keeping his vow simple, starting with how they first met – on the couch of Taki’s living room, an open bag of chips in between them. That was 10 years ago, when Taki went through his first fight with his boyfriend and decided to call his best friend and his very funny neighbor so he could talk his miseries away. Back then, Kei thought Jo was a really gentle person, tries to see the good in others first, unlike him, who immediately offers Taki that he could help in slashing some tyres tonight, not that Harua can drive nor have a car for them to slash its tyres, but the offer still does make Taki laugh.
Then come the random dinner-meet, sometimes it was just Taki calling Kei over because Jo brought over too much food, or sometimes it was Jo, who would knock on Kei’s door and make his way into his apartment, both hands carrying bags filled with take out, with the excuse that he didn't know Taki already had a dinner plan with his other friends. They grew closer after, and started to see each other without the excuse of the youngest.
Then the night when Jo finally spilled all his true feelings towards him – 2 years into knowing each other, and how much burden Kei actually felt at the time. It was the night he turned 29, and at his age, he didn't know if he could handle another heartbreak if it goes wrong, or if he could take it positively if another one of his relationships turn into ‘better as friends’.
Jo was 22, barely made it out of his small town, lacking the experiences in both love and friendship, and Kei feared if Jo had mistaken his platonical feelings for Kei as something more intimate. Kei said no, brushed it off as another adorable antics of the younger — he seriously told him after, to date someone his age, to experience more of what he likes and what he doesn't, and not to settle down with the next best thing just because what they had was comfortable. Jo nods and stops coming over to his apartment.
They met again when Taki started crashing out over planning the perfect 21st joint birthday party for him and his boyfriend, 7 months after no-contact, both trying their best to avoid being in each other's presence or even existing in the same vicinity. Their friends start noticing, too many questions were asked, and Kei almost breaks down at how suffocating all the assumptions were. Yet, the worst part was in those 7 months, he didn't know how to explain the rotting void that had been clawing his insides, it felt like something in him had gone together with Jo’s absence.
It was the end of April, in Taki’s apartment, they were there to provide mental support while also physically solving the problem. Somewhere along tangling their long limbs with the bunting rope, and having to clean up the spilled glitters on Taki’s carpeted floor in between giggles, they talk it out, and decided to give it a try.
Kei skipped the parts where he felt like his world was collapsing when they broke up 5 years into their relationship, but he still mentions how he felt back then, that's when he realised he should let a part of himself go if he wanted Jo to complete him. He makes a light-hearted joke about it, opting to not make it too emotional, choosing to keep that one when he's left alone with the younger so he could kiss his tears away.
Kei didn't realise when and why he started shaking, until Jo reached up to him, wrapping his long fingers around Kei’s wrist, offering a soft smile that Kei recognised as ‘take it slow, you have me here with you’ from all the years they have been providing each other with comfort.
He took one deep breath before glancing towards their friends’ table, catching the sight of Euijoo sniffling in the arm of his own fiance. That was a bad move, because now he feels like crying himself. He continues with the last paragraph of his vow, his shaky hands in Jo’s steady one, uneven breath threatening to spill his last few words, trembling.
“As lucky as I was, to be able to share my future with you, to be able to feel as many touches I get to hold, to have, to get, of you, I promise, for as long there is air in my lungs, even to my last breath, I vow to spend it to love you, faithfully and unconditionally, till death do us part, either in this life and beyond. Asakura Jo, I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love and I will choose you, choose us, every moment from now, until forever”
Kei sighs in relief when Jo pulls his hands, kissing his reddening knuckles before offering a soft smile, that made Kei think – forever was not enough for him to have this.
They still have Jo’s part of the vow, but Kei is already overwhelmed, from Jo’s soft gaze on him, his warm hands, thumb tracing every each of his knuckles, trying to soothe his nerves.
The way Jo looks at him before he starts his vow makes Kei’s breath hitch. They have known each other for years, ten to be exact, but things never really change. In this exact moment, Kei’s heart thumped – hard and fast, like it was the first time when he realised he had fallen for Jo.
Glad is a little understatement, but he's glad he's marrying Jo.
He was glad he could spend the rest of his remaining years, alive on this earth, being lost in those round black orbs that seemed to reflect the love he felt better than any other mirror he ever looked into.
Jo seems calm, his cool demeanor has always fooled everyone that doesn't know him better. But Kei knows, the tornado that had settled into his heart, reflected well in his crystal clear eyes. Jo's hands may not shake like Kei’s does, but Kei can feel the fall in temperature, the way it slowly turns white with the mess of feelings churning inside his guts. They are so different somehow.
Kei had always thought they were similar.
When they first met each other, Jo had reminded him so much of his younger self, both with the way he carries himself, and how he adapts to things around him. They often bond with the same interest they share, either it was in music, foods, or fashion. Over the years, Kei also somehow adopted Jo’s personality, ditching his extrovert sensible self, to mirror Jo’s intuitive introvertness.
Euijoo – the mentioned ‘failed relationship turns into better as friends’ had said the same thing when he first brought Jo to introduce them two. “It feels like talking to you back in high school” If anyone who knows him well, it would've been Euijoo.
Kei always had believed in opposites attract, thinking that is what keeps the relationship fun. He brought his worries upon Nicholas once before, afraid their mirrored personality would make their relationship bland, and eventually bore them to separation. “Well.. true. But if I didn’t know you guys better. You guys are matching, not a duplicate”
It took Kei months to finally understand what Nicholas had meant.
It's the little things like these, how Kei shakes and trembles when he is nervous, yet has his insides and thoughts composed. But Jo is calm, all soft smiles and steady breaths, but he has his mind chaos, and if Kei could focus enough, he might be able to see the fumes leaving Jo’s brain while he racks his brain.
Both of them may be an introvert, but Kei will always have someone to greet whenever they are out. Either it was the kid from his hometown, or someone from his university’s club, down to the elderly woman that often takes his order at the ramen shop he is a regular in, and Jo would just stand there, a smile of a courtesy plaster on his face while waiting for Kei to finish his conversation.
“That guy used to sit beside me in studio class, heard he opened a huge famous ceramics gallery now” Jo whispered, in between shuffling the clothes on the racks while they shop.
“What?! Really?! OMG, should we go say hi?”
“No? He probably doesn't recognize me anymore, it's been like… 5 years? Who cares, I’m just saying” Jo hold onto Kei’s wrist, afraid the older will approach and befriend the guy in the middle of a busy vintage shop in Shibuya.
That reflects to the current situation too, with how packed Kei’s side of the wedding hall is, that he had to use half of Jo’s side to accommodate all his friends.
Jo didn’t mind.
Jo originally wanted the wedding to be more intimate than it already is now, the only friends he have is Taki, Yuma – who is now sitting on Kei’s side since he is dating Kei’s best man, Nicholas and Fuma – who is also sitting on Kei’s side because he got engaged to Kei’s best friend, Euijoo.
Jo didn't see why they would need a 300 pax wedding for, but he knows Kei knows a lot of people, close to many people, and has a big, loving, accepting family that wants to see him on his big day. So Jo agrees, and let Kei have half of his side too.
Kei almost laughs when Jo’s cool demeanour starts faltering, a nervous sigh loud and clear into the microphone, right before he starts his vow. But instead he shifts his hands a little, running his thumbs over the back of Jo’s hands, to offer a little comfort to calm his nerves.
“It’s okay, take your time” Kei whispers, trying his best to appear as calm as he could.
Jo nods, before taking a really deep breath and speaks into the microphone.
“Remember when you told me.. back then, to experience more of what I like, so that love will come easy and natural? So I want to start off our marriage by admitting you were right, and I'm sure it will be the first of many times I admit that.” Jo speaks, his crystal round eyes locked to Kei’s own.
Now it's Kei’s cool demeanour that starts to falter, he almost forgot how Jo’s tender voice could make his knees buckle, and the way Jo’s loving gaze towards him right now makes him want to screw all these cliche traditions away, and went straight to the kiss.
“Dear Kei, for the past 10 years, experiencing life with you, I’ve never been so sure of what I like. When we first get to know each other, all I remember was how bad it always had been for me to want to be by your side, I spent hours thinking, just one more topic, just one more word, just one more question, even if I was already standing, leaning against your door frame, shoes snuck to my sole, yet, I still couldn't find it in me to end the day without having you in my arms” Jo laughed a little after admitting this, and the crowd behind them follows, soft murmur and whistling sneaking in between.
“Then, when I start to picture spending the rest of my life with you, it comes so easy. That’s just over 20,000 more days together. 20,000 mornings to wake up and drink a warm cup of coffee together. 20,000 more mornings run, 20,000 more days to watch badly written cooking shows and silly alien movies, 20,000 more days to try new things, laugh together, and to fall asleep in each other's arms every night.” The grasps on Kei's hand tighten, Jo’s own cold and shaking.
Kei’s breath hitches at the way it's so easy for Jo to admit to these, to make devoting the rest of your awakened days on earth to another person sounds so easy. Like it was not scary, like it was not a heavy, deadly, promise.
“Half of my life, before I met you” Jo said, trembling, “I was just a passing shadow, surrounded by people who already had a planned out future, already had their own to call theirs forever, that it makes me think I was the only person left in this world to be left stray, unloved. I’ve made my peace, that I was doomed, that another day is just another moment that I had to be done with. But then you come, Kei-kun, with all your perfect chaos and comforting peace, you have brought all the pieces with you to fill my empty space back together. Until I met you, I never thought that I could be so happy or so loved.” Jo giggled a little before smiling gently at Kei, whose eyes rimmed red and lips bitten harshly.
“I know, it took a lot in you to accept me for who I am, the childish, inexperienced, the naive me. But you chose me anyway, despite all of my worst qualities. But you never show it, how hard it was for you to love all my flaws, you made me feel like it was never there in the first place. So that was when I knew, I knew you were the one, when I didn’t have to fix myself to be loved by you, to fit in right next to you.” Kei shakes his head trying to deny Jo’s statement, because to Kei, Jo was perfect, the best person that he could ever pray for in his entire existence. But Jo continues. “You are my everything. As my days begin with you, and as they end with you, I promise, that is the only way I ever want to live out the remaining years I have left on this earth”
The hall fell to a stilled silent, silent sniffles from the attendees filling the gaps.
Jo resumes with his vow after taking a breather. “The world is scary and unpredictable, but there’s no one else in the world I would want to be here with, and there’s no one else that I will hold onto tighter, when all the shush whispers and all the cold glares that will tail us. In our lifetime, I hope I can match the support that you’ve shown me, and I hope I can help make your days easier. Because when life is ever terrible, it’s much less terrible with you."
“I don’t have much to offer, and you know it well after all these years, but I promise that I will gather everything that I have, all my happiness, all my joy, all my comfort, and give it to you, as long as you breathe a little easier, as long as you see the world in better colours. Even if it does mean I have to lose myself, I will let me lose myself in you” Kei is now sniffling, his whole body is fighting the pooling tears in his eyes that threaten to fall. Jo pauses for a moment, setting aside his crumpling note containing his vow, to look Kei properly in the eyes, before he continues.
“My love, Kei. Being with you makes me want to relive my life again, from the start, to fill the previous half of my life so that I can love you enough to carry us through all the halves that we never get to see of each other.”
Kei could feel the grasp on his hands tensing, the tears pooling in his eyes made Jo’s pretty face all blurry in his vision, but he could see the younger visibly shaking, trying his best to hold back his tears, taking a deep breath before he continued with his vow.
“That’s all we got of each other, half of our life. But I promise, to let you take a part of me to make you feel whole, to feel belonged, wholly, right next to me.”
Jo pulls onto Kei’s hands, navigating it up to his chest, to place it right above where Jo’s heart places.
“Kei-kun, till death do us part, please take my half”
Kei is full-on crying, warm tears flowing down his face, when the officiant says “And you may now share a kiss”.
Jo brings himself closer, closing the gaps between the two of them, soft lips pressing together with their hands planted right above Jo’s heart.
Kei can feel how hard Jo’s heart beating was, despite the fireworks setting off behind them, and the cheering of their friends and families, yet the pressed of Jo’s soft lips slotted right between his felt amazing, and Kei’s heart swells – like he’s dying with how much love his feels right now.
When they pull apart, Jo laughs as if he was a boy again, the adorable 20 years old Asakura Jo that Kei first met, his face wrinkles with grins.
Jo holds onto Kei’s hands tighter, bringing his face closer to his ear, before he whispers. “Every day, for all the days of my life” Jo looks into his eyes and say, “I love you, Kei”