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Trench was hectic. There was always something to do all day no matter what. Tyler liked that, it kept his brain distracted for his tics. When it quietened down, that's when it got bad. Tyler felt off. He knew what was about to happen.
“So, Tomorrow we’ve got to go collect more wood and all that sort of stuff yeah? Just me and you?” Josh told Tyler. He was excited, they didn't really have time to themselves anymore.
Tyler's head jolted back suddenly causing it to make a cracking noise.
“Yeah, that's cool.”
He didn't mean to sound bored; he was just worried about what was going to happen. When his tics got bad, he could feel it in his body. Like a coke bottle that's ready to burst.
His head jolted again.
“Is everything okay?” Josh sounded concerned.
He hated seeing Tyler tic like this. He thought about how it must hurt.
“mhm” He mumbled. Tyler's tics were becoming more frequent. His legs straightened out without warning, getting scarily close to the campfire they were sat around.
Josh's hand landed on Tyler's thigh, his thumb gently rubbing back and forth to sooth him.
“Did you want to go to the tent for a bit?” He knew Tyler hated people seeing him tic. It made him feel like an animal in a zoo. Josh could feel Tyler’s muscles in his thigh jumping around.
“No, it's all good I- ... no I'm good.”
They both knew he had just lied through his teeth.
Tyler felt restless. Like his body was trying to explode.
Tyler looked around, seeing that one of the Banditos was staring at him. He shifted in his seat; the sudden feeling of discomfort overwhelmed him.
“What are you staring at?” He snapped at them.
They quickly looked away, trying to get out of his line of fire.
“Hey, come on. They didn't mean anything.”
Josh tried to settle Tyler. He didn't want his emotions to set his tics off even more.
“Josh. Just fuck off, seriously” He grumbled, putting his head down. He could feel eyes on him. It made him want to rip his skin off. He lifted Josh's hand from his thigh and dropped it back into Josh's lap. The contact made his skin burn.
“Why don't we go somewhere quiet? Yeah?”
Josh's voice was always so kind. To kind sometimes. In moments like this, it made Tyler feel patronized, like he was a child that needed help.
“No, I'm fine, Everything's fine.” He brushed him off.
Maybe if he ignored his own body then it might go away. His hand flew and hit his chest. Again. And again. And... Josh grabbed Tyler's hand, bringing it down into his lap. Stopping his tics from doing that. Tyler knew what Josh was doing was thoughtful, but why didn't he feel appreciative? He knew what would happen if that tic kept going, how much it would hurt. So why did he hate it when Josh helped him. Tyler couldn't sit still. Whether it was him ticing or just general fidgeting.
“Ty, come on. Why don't we go back to the tent for a bit? Just to calm down and take a breather maybe?” Josh was trying everything to sound calm in hopes that Tyler would match that.
“No. Nothing's wrong. Leave it alone. Leave me alone.”
He pushed Josh away.
He always did.
Tyler ticed and punched his chest again. He could feel Josh's eyes burning holes into the side of his head. He slid his hands under his thighs in an attempt to prevent that tic. Josh just nodded and continued his conversation with the others, constantly looking back to Tyler to check he's okay. Josh knew he would always try and pretend his tics weren't a problem. He tried to act like they didn't exist. Josh has seen it multiple times before. Tyler would pretend they aren't bad and then they get worse to the point of a tic attack. Josh had a feeling that's how tonight was going to end.
Tyler picked up his drink. Before he even had the chance to take a sip, he ticced and threw it. The water spilled out on the floor infront of them. He let out a frustrated whine, tears welled up in his eyes.
Everyone was looking at him now.
Well, that's what Tyler thought.
The Banditos had gotten used to his tics. They just ignored them. He appreciated them for that.
“Ty, come on. Let's go lie down for a bit, okay?” To Josh's surprise, Tyler agreed and got up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide how he was crying. He was supposed to be one of the strongest there. He couldn't let them see him cry.
Tyler's knees buckled causing him to fall to the ground.
He hated that tic. How they make him fall to the floor.
He always wonders what he did to deserve this.
Josh grabbed his arm and helped him stand back up. He held Tyler like that the whole way back to the tent, not wanting him to fall like that again. Tyler ticced again, his legs folding beneath him. Josh's quick reflexes pulled him back up in time, making sure he didn't hit the ground. Standing back up, Tyler pulled his arm away from Josh's grasp and dragged himself into his tent. Josh followed quickly behind him.
Tyler ripped off his jumper. He was suddenly hyper aware of every single fibre touching his skin. He pulled at his t-shirt collar. He felt suffocated. He clawed at his neck, praying it would help in some way.
Josh rushed over and pulled Tyler's hands down, holding them tight in his own. Tyler ripped his hands from Josh's, bringing them up to pull at his hair. His breathing was frantic. He constantly turned his head around like he was looking for an exit.
“Ty- Hey. You’re okay.” Josh spoke softly. He needed to stay calm to be able to help Tyler.
Tyler screamed. It pierced Josh's ears. Tyler struggled with that tic. Often after a tic attack, it would leave him struggling to swallow from the pain and rawness of it. His chest rose and fell with an alarming rate. If he didn't calm his breathing down soon, he would pass out.
“Go away” He choked out.
Josh shook his head. “You need help, I'm here, okay?”
He lifted his hands to hold Tyler's face. If Josh could get him to focus maybe, it'll get easier and the attack would pass. Josh's hands never made it to Tyler's face.
He pushed Josh.
Josh stumbled back, crashing into the crates behind him.
“Don't fucking touch me!” Tyler cried out. He screamed again.
Josh shook his head after hitting it on the crates. He looked up to see Tyler pacing with tears flooding down his face.
“Okay, okay. I won't touch you but please just sit down for a second.”
Josh slowly rose to his feet with his hands held up in defence. Tyler continued to pace with his hands gripping tightly on his hair, trying to pull it out. Josh wasn't sure if he had heard him, but his patience was fading quickly. He understood that Tyler's struggling but he was making things worse for himself.
“Tyler. Sit down.”
He shook his head and continued to ignore Josh's pleas.
“Tyler, just sit down. For fucks sake, just listen for once in your life.”
He stopped pacing and the tent fell silent; the only noises were the hiccup sounding tics he made. Josh slowly walked over as Tyler sat down on his camping bed. He knelt down infront of him. His hands awkwardly hovering in the air, not knowing what to do with them.
Tyler's knee jerked up, nearly hitting Josh in the chin.
“Shit I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-” His voice was shaking the same way his body was.
“What have I told you about apologising. You didn't do it on purpose so there's no need to apologise to me, okay?”
Josh had calmed down now that he knew Tyler was back in the room and not in his head anymore. This wasn't over but the fact that he had chilled out a little put Josh at ease.
He sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Tyler's tics finally calming down. Luckly this time there was no attack, but it got very close. He groaned as he tipped his head back. Josh just sat on the floor quietly, understanding that he needed space in times like this, but Tyler didn't want to be alone.
In Dema, Tyler was always alone. People thought he was weird. The Bishops controlled him. They thought he was betraying their religion, so they made his life hell for it. If he was seen ticcing, he would be punished. Tyler had never told anyone that. Not even Josh. He wanted to forget them parts of his life.
The nightmares came every night. He would be back in Dema. Stuck in a cycle he cannot break.
Tyler lowered his head back down to meet with Josh's stare. Josh's lips curved slightly giving him a small smile. Tyler sighed.
“Why can't I just be normal? What have I done to deserve this? Why me?”
Tyler sounded defeated. Josh was used to this, yet it never got easier hearing him say that. He would get upset every day and say that same sentence. Josh always felt guilty knowing that there was nothing him or anyone else could do. There was no magic wand or solution for Tyler.
Josh had never told Tyler, but he often wondered the same. Tyler was a good person, never done anything wrong in his life yet he is tortured every day of his life by his own body.
“You are strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at you. Yes, your brain might be different to other peoples but if we were all the same then it would be quite a boring world, don't you think?”
“No. I'd like to have a brain like everyone else's. You’re only saying that because you don't have one like mine. If you lived in my body, you'd be saying different.”
Tyler gave Josh a tired look. He took that as a sign to stop talking about it.
He hardly ever talked about his feeling with Josh. He had gone all these years in Dema not talking about them so why start now.
Josh felt shut out when Tyler didn't talk about it. How was he meant to help him when he didn't even know what Tyler was thinking about. He had a feeling something happened to him in Dema, but he never pushed about it. It would explain as to why Tyler acts the way he does whenever he tries to help him.
Why couldn't he just accept that Josh wanted to help him.
That Josh loved him.
“Can we go to bed now?”
Josh nodded in agreement.
Tyler laid down on his side, shifting over so there was enough room on his tiny bed. He used Josh's chest as a pillow. He tried to slowly move down whenever his head jerked, not wanting to headbutt Josh.
Josh ran his fingers through Tyler's hair, scratching gently at his scalp. He knew Tyler was trying to move away, so he didn't hurt him. He decided this wasn't worth arguing about right now. Josh could feel Tyler's body jumping around as he laid on top of him. The way his arms and legs twitched. The way his head jerked around, it looked painful.
Josh let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he heard the small snores coming from Tyler. Tyler was finally calm and peaceful. Sadness filled Josh when he thought about how tomorrow will turn out. Will it be better than today? Will it be worse?
“I love you, Tyler” Josh whispered, not wanting to wake him.
“Mmm?” A sleepy groan came from Tyler.
“Shh go back to sleep, everything's okay” Josh softly spoke yet inside he was kicking himself.
What if Tyler heard?
His heart sunk. If Tyler heard he might never look at Josh the same again.
Tyler didn't feel the same way, right?
Right?