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The first thing Karamatsu heard in the morning was a soft mrrrrrp!
Initially he tried to ignore it. He could see sunlight through his eyelids and it was too low an angle through the window to be anything later than 8 am. As a NEET, there was no emergency he ever had to get to before 11 (unless that emergency included breakfast). How did that saying go? All play and no work makes Jack happy and fulfilled? Something like that.
Something soft brushed across his face and rested all of its weight on the middle of his chest. He ignored that too, until the something started to knead its nails into his skin, and then he was forced to open his eyes and pry it off.
The cat, of course it was a cat, resisted Karamatsu's attentions for much longer than was absolutely necessary. "Ichimatsu," Karamatsu hissed, pressing the cat toward his brother. "Ichimatsu. This Karamatsu cat is, unfortunately, too enthusiastic for me to woo her appropriately, and as such--"
Ichimatsu opened his eyes, already glaring enough to shut Karamatsu up. "If you hurt her, Kusomatsu…."
"No, brother, I assure you it was the other way around." Ichimatsu continued to glare at him but he took the cat into his own arms; it looked back at Karamatsu almost smugly, settling up against Ichimatsu until it was as comfortable as possible.
Todomatsu came in the room with his pink gym bag, looking between the two of them. "Oh good, Karamatsu-nii-san. You're awake."
Karamatsu blinked up at him. "Did you require something of me, brother?"
Todomatsu winced. "Yeah, don't talk like that anymore." He dropped his bag and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. "And I need you to come shopping with me."
"Kusomatsu?" Ichimatsu asked derisively. "You want fashion tips from him?"
"Yes." Ichimatsu's sneer dropped at the firm answer. Todomatsu gestured to his second eldest brother with an open hand. "Get up, come on."
This was all very odd for Karamatsu, who really shared the same opinion as Ichimatsu when it came to situations like this. He didn't think he had a bad fashion sense, not at all, but none of his brothers agreed. And yet, he couldn't pass up an opportunity to hang out with Todomatsu outside of their weird fishing excursions, so he climbed out from under the blanket and followed him out of the room.
Todomatsu put his hands on his hips, looking at Karamatsu with that unimpressed expression that seemed to be permanently etched on his face around his brothers. "If you want breakfast you better eat it now, because I'm not slowing down for you."
Karamatsu shook his head. "You have to be starving after… whatever you do at the gym." He smiled at his younger brother with none of the "cool" affectations he practiced in the mirror every day, too tired to even attempt them, and he was sure his slept-on hair wouldn’t lend itself well to sparkling. "We'll have lunch. I'm buying."
Todomatsu began to smile back. "Okay, Karamatsu-nii-san,” he said, surprise evident in his voice. “I'm going to take a shower." Karamatsu nodded at him and he turned around, practically skipping toward the bathroom.
When Karamatsu reentered their room to get his street clothes, Ichimatsu was still sitting with the cat in his lap, looking more than confused. "Are you really going shopping with Totty?" he asked in a low whisper so he didn't disturb the rest of their sleeping brothers.
Karamatsu rifled through his drawers for something appropriate to wear for an outing with Todomatsu, of all people. "Yes, my darling brother." He glanced up, still wrist deep in his clothes. "Would you like to come with us?"
Ichimatsu's confused expression shut down like steel doors closing. "Not in your dreams, Kusomatsu."
While that would normally send a chill up Karamatsu's spine because of the pure venom it was spat with, he was able to shake it off with the shrug of one shoulder. "No problem," he said in English, grabbing his wallet as well, and then coming back around the futon to leave the room again. He saw Ichimatsu bite his lip, his mouth tilted downward, but Karamatsu wasn't sure if any comforting would be welcome.
He waited for Todomatsu to leave the bathroom so he could enter after him. Todomatsu eyed the clothes in his arms hesitantly but didn't protest, which Karamatsu counted as a win.
His shower was a bit shorter than normal (read: under 20 minutes) because he was truly excited. It wasn't that none of his brothers ever did anything with him, but rather he didn't speak up about what he would like to do. It was difficult for him to do anything except what would make his brothers happiest, and what made him happy and the rest of them happy rarely overlapped. Although Todomatsu had a wildly different idea of what was "fashionable", any shopping at all was something Karamatsu honestly liked to do.
Karamatsu dressed in what he considered a smart outfit, slid his wallet into his back pocket, and just looked at himself in the mirror for a minute. He looked good, really good. He smirked at himself, fixed his hair, did a few of his best expressions, and finally picked up his street shoes and left the room.
Todomatsu wasn't done getting dressed by the time Karamatsu made his way downstairs--if anyone was more clothes-conscious than Karamatsu, it had to be his youngest brother--so he put his shoes on and waited around the front door.
Eventually Todomatsu did come down the stairs, his salmon capris and teal shirt a brave choice (and Karamatsu knew all about brave choices) that ultimately suited his "cute" persona. Todomatsu paused in front of Karamatsu and just looked at him for a moment.
Worried, Karamatsu looked down at himself. Black boots, dark jeans with a white button down tucked into them, his sleeves rolled up around his forearms. As much as it pained him he left his gold chain upstairs, choosing only to leave the first few buttons on his shirt undone to give any passing Karamatsu Girls and Boys a glimpse of what they were missing.
He looked back up at Todomatsu. “Is this okay?” he asked. Karamatsu knew his brothers thought he was embarrassing to be around, but he chose his most low key outfit so maybe Todomatsu would invite him out again.
“This is more than okay, Karamatsu-nii-san!” Todomatsu pulled his own shoes on, grinning up at his brother. “Why don’t you dress like this more often?”
Karamatsu didn’t want to tell the truth, something like it makes me more comfortable to have all my brothers’ attention on me, even if it’s only to laugh, so he shrugged and stuck his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. “And deprive everyone of my impeccable fashion? I think not, brother.”
Todomatsu snickered at him. “Yeah, okay, Itaimatsu-nii-san. Let’s go.”
It wasn’t the shortest walk to the center of town, maybe fifteen minutes if they booked it, but Todomatsu seemed content to stroll and Karamatsu followed his lead. “Where do you usually shop, Totty?” Karamatsu asked a few minutes in.
Todomatsu glanced over at him with his normal dry expression and Karamatsu wished he hadn’t said anything. “I don’t have any set stores,” Todomatsu replied with a small smile, and Karamatsu released a breath he didn't know he was holding. “I just window shop. I haven’t seen anywhere that carries that tank top you love to wear, though….”
“Oh, I had that screen printed," Karamatsu said, wondering if Todomatsu was being sarcastic or not. "I can have them make you one, if you want?”
Todomatsu’s smile only got bigger. “No, thanks, Karamatsu-nii-san. You don’t have to spend any more money on that.”
“Heh, just let me know, brother.” Todomatsu rolled his eyes, but in an affectionate way, linking arms with Karamatsu and making him turn red. “A-are you sure you want to—“
“I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t sure, nii-san.”
Karamatsu let himself be led down a few more streets before he stopped. They were in front of a restaurant he had eaten at before and enjoyed… and wasn’t too close to anywhere Todomatsu’s friends might be wandering. “We can take sustenance here…." He couldn't keep that up for long with how nervous he was, so he stammered, "I-if you want, Totty.”
Todomatsu frowned at him. “Wouldn’t it be easier if we were closer to downtown? Why do you want to stop all the way out here?”
Karamatsu cleared his throat and scuffed the sole of his shoe on the ground. “Don’t you think your friends will be downtown?”
“Karamatsu-nii-san….” Todomatsu sighed. “I don’t care if my friends see us together.”
“Are you dying, Totty?” Karamatsu asked softly and took Todomatsu by the shoulders.
“What?” Todomatsu took a step back, his laughter at odds with his nervous expression. “Why would I be dying?”
Karamatsu pulled his hands back and they fluttered over his heart; even when his words failed him, he couldn't help being physically dramatic even when he was genuinely anxious. “Am… am I dying?” he asked with wide eyes.
“Um, not that you’ve told us?” Todomatsu pressed his hands to Karamatsu’s cheeks and swept his hair back around his ears, reminding Karamatsu suddenly that they were the same exact height. “Are you alright, nii-san? Are you not feeling well?” He tilted Karamatsu’s head forward and firmly kissed his forehead to check for fever.
Karamatsu didn’t move away but he suddenly felt less anxious and more upset. “I didn’t want you to feel embarrassed with me there.” He stopped there, looking somewhere over Todomatsu’s right shoulder. “Sorry. I can go home if… if you don’t want—“
“Nii-san, stop. Just stop.” Todomatsu looked worried and Karamatsu regretted saying anything. "What's wrong with you? You love to be seen, and I bet you'll get a lot of attention in that outfit of yours."
"Every time you're with your friends you act like you don't see me," Karamatsu said, low and honest. "Which isn't, isn't a problem, but if it's the two of us alone they'll figure you're hanging out with me. And I don't want to, uh, ruin your friendships or anything."
Todomatsu let him ramble and just stared at him with narrowed eyes until he was done. "The only one of you I really ignore is Osomatsu-nii-san because he's a fucking idiot and won't stop being annoying for one second." He closed his mouth for a moment, studying Karamatsu like a particularly slow animal. "I doubt you would even know what to do in the presence of a girl, but you definitely wouldn't attack them like he does."
Karamatsu felt his face turning bright red. "O-of course not." He brought his hand up to his forehead and tried to sparkle as much as possible. "I know how to please every Karamatsu Girl in my vicinity."
"Not to mention how you act around guys."
Karamatsu sputtered, losing all of his composure in an instant. "Guys? W-w-where did you get--"
Todomatsu linked their arms again and started to pull Karamatsu past the restaurant he suggested. "I can tell when my own brother is interested in men," he said, still facing forward as they walked. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
Karamatsu didn't know what to say to that. He thought about denying it for a moment, but Todomatsu was right; the only one of them who could ever hide anything from the other five was the brother attached to his arm. The rest of them were just too obvious.
"Thanks, Totty. For, um." Karamatsu felt almost naked without his leather jacket, or at least his sunglasses. People were indeed turning to look at him, meeting his eyes and then doing a sweep of his outfit. Some of them even smirked or winked at him and he felt like he was going to faint from the blood rushing to his face.
Todomatsu guessed what he was going to say. "No problem, Karamatsu-nii-san."
Karamatsu kept himself silent until they entered the shopping district, letting Todomatsu lead him where he wanted. Instead of actually getting lunch, Todomatsu stopped at a food cart, picking up sweet buns for the two of them. When Karamatsu fumbled for his wallet Todomatsu shook his head and, holding one bun in his mouth and handing the other to Karamatsu, paid for them himself.
They continued to walk, Karamatsu waiting until Todomatsu found a store he liked. Karamatsu ate slowly like that would slow the rate it took Todomatsu to become bored with him. Thankfully they hadn't yet passed anyone Todomatsu knew yet.
"What about there?" Todomatsu pointed at a window displaying gaudily patterned skinny jeans, everything from plaid to little faces of puppies.
Karamatsu almost dropped the rest of his food. "Totty, that isn't funny."
Todomatsu frowned at him, swiping his hands together to get rid of crumbs. "I'm not joking. What, you don't like them?"
"That's not the point. There's no way you'd want to be seen in there." Karamatsu put his hands on his hips, tapping the toe of his boot on the concrete. "I know you said you don't mind being here with me, but now you're just rubbing it in."
"Karamatsu-nii-san, I'm being serious, I promise." Todomatsu looked innocently at him, too innocently. "If you don't like it then we don't have to go in."
Karamatsu continued to frown at him for ten seconds, and then walked resolutely into the store.
When they got home late in the afternoon, mouths covered in ice cream and arms heavy with shopping bags, their other four brothers were sprawled around the kotatsu--Jyushimatsu was less sprawled and more noodle-y.
Osomatsu was the first to look up from his manga and he almost did a double take at the two of them. "What's up with the clothes, Karamatsu? Did Totty dress you?"
Todomatsu spoke up before Karamatsu could say anything. "Nope," he denied cheerfully, setting his bags on the floor so he could take off his shoes. "Karamatsu-nii-san was dressed like that when we left!"
Osomatsu actually closed his book to sit up and look at the two of them. "He was?" he asked, surprised.
While Karamatsu would have practically begged for his brother's attention any other day, he felt like he was being studied under a high powered microscope and it made his skin crawl. There was no laughter, no jeering, just eyes on him in silence.
"I'm going to put my clothes away, Totty," he mumbled, leaving his shoes lined up at the door and walking quickly up the stairs to their room. No one followed him, for which he was grateful, but after he changed into his more comfortable hoodie and loose pants he wandered a bit instead of returning downstairs. He wasn't sure what they were going to say when they next saw him so he went out onto the balcony and climbed up to the roof to avoid them for that much longer.
Karamatsu was alone up there for a long time, long enough for him to realize he left his guitar inside and regret it a bit, and long enough that the sun lowered more than a few degrees.
He was happy that he and Todomatsu got to spend the day together. They even passed by a group of his friends and he introduced Karamatsu with a smile on his face. One of the girls showed more than a passing interest in Karamatsu but he was too nervous to do anything but wave goodbye.
Somewhere in the back of his mind Karamatsu hoped Todomatsu would ask him to hang out again but he didn't want to wish for something that probably wouldn't come true.
He heard someone else scrambling up from the balcony and his initial reaction was to sigh and lean his head in his hand. Then he realized how rude that was and straightened up, hoping whoever was coming up didn't see him.
It was Jyushimatsu, of course, holding Karamatsu's guitar in one hand and using the other to balance himself as he navigated the shingles to sit next to him.
"Hello, my little Jyushimatsu," Karamatsu said with a half-smile, taking his guitar gratefully and tucking Jyushimatsu under his arm. "What brings you up here?"
"I wanted to sing with you, nii-san!" Jyushimatsu replied, grinning wide as usual. No matter how drained Karamatsu was feeling he knew he couldn't refuse his happiest brother anything.
Karamatsu had to let go of Jyushimatsu to adjust his guitar in his lap, but Jyushimatsu seemed content to just lean against his side. "What would you like to sing?" he asked while he tuned it.
When Jyushimatsu didn't immediately answer he looked up. Jyushimatsu's grin was still wide, but his eyes were questioning, like he actually wanted to hear what Karamatsu had to say. It wasn't odd for Jyushimatsu to take him into account, not really, but he usually had a song at the tip of his tongue that he wanted Karamatsu to provide the music for.
"What do you want to play, Karamatsu-nii-san?" he asked right back.
Karamatsu had to think for a moment. He ran an absent hand through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead, and frowned into space.
"Uwaa, Karamatsu-nii-san!" Jyushimatsu exclaimed all of a sudden. Karamatsu turned to look at him, concerned, but Jyushimatsu didn't look hurt or upset at all. "You looked really cool just then!"
Karamatsu almost dropped his guitar in surprise but managed to keep his hands on the neck, still paused in his tuning. "Did I?" he asked curiously, unable to help an overjoyed smile from spreading across his lips. "Really?"
Jyushimatsu nodded eagerly. "You did!" He crossed his legs, letting his hands rest on his knees. "Do you think you can do that again?"
Karamatsu automatically reached into his hoodie's pocket to look for a spare pair of sunglasses, but Jyushimatsu reached over to stop him. "Uh-uh, nii-san! You look the coolest when you're just being yourself!"
Of all the things Jyushimatsu could say, this one made Karamatsu want to cry the most. He couldn't figure out how to "be himself" just then, so he stopped trying, tuning the rest of the guitar's strings and starting a song that he knew Jyushimatsu would like.
They sang for what felt like hours, Jyushimatsu hopping dangerously about the roof whenever Karamatsu played a fast, happy song. Whenever Karamatsu tried to play a slow song, Jyushimatsu paused his strumming hand, demanding something else, and Karamatsu never resisted.
Eventually, when the sun was lowering toward the horizon, Osomatsu made his way up onto the roof as well. "Dinnertime," he said, looking genuinely regretful that he had to end their fun. Karamatsu twisted his lips in disappointment but started to stand up, balancing carefully.
Jyushimatsu grabbed his guitar and ran off with it before Karamatsu could ask him to be careful, dropping audibly to the balcony and running inside. That left Karamatsu and Osomatsu looking at each other across the length of the roof.
Karamatsu frowned at his elder brother. Osomatsu rarely looked so serious, preferring to live his life with the least stress possible. At this moment he had a curiously blank expression with both hands planted on the cool roof shingles.
"Is something wrong, brother?" Karamatsu asked, touching his face self-consciously.
"When you were out there, you and Jyushimatsu," Osomatsu began. "You… you actually looked kind of cool."
Karamatsu was more embarrassed to hear that than he was grateful. He wanted all of his brothers to think he was cool, of course, since he was the second oldest and had four brothers that looked up to him, but he wasn't even trying. He didn't have his sunglasses on, his hair was a little mussed from being outside for so long, he hadn't struck any poses. It was unnerving to him to hear the same compliment twice.
If Karamatsu didn't know Jyushimatsu as well as he did, he would think all of his brothers were pulling a long, elaborate prank on him. Osomatsu's lips were twitching back into their normal grin and he rubbed his index finger under his nose, tilting his head at Karamatsu. "I meant it when I said dinner was ready."
"Of course," Karamatsu replied softly. He followed Osomatsu off of the roof, accepting a bit of help swinging down onto the railing of the balcony, and let his brother take the lead into their room and downstairs.
Everyone was already sitting at the table, spooning rice into their bowls while the hot pot heated in the center of the table. When Karamatsu caught sight of Choromatsu, his younger brother sending a smile up to him, he remembered something that was in his bag.
"Sorry, brothers," he said to all of them. All of them except Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu ignored him, which made him feel a little better. "I just have to get something."
He ran back up the stairs, rifled through a bag full of fashion magazines and new books to take notes in, and grabbed what he was looking for. Then he came back down, relieved that the pot wasn't steaming yet, so there was some chance that he would be able to eat too (Osomatsu was notorious for eating all the meat if his brothers didn't get to dinner in time).
"Choromatsu," Karamatsu said, sitting down next to his brother and crossing his legs. "These are for you." He offered up four idol magazines all in plastic casing--two of Nyaa-chan and two different artists he wasn't familiar with but figured his younger brother would like.
Choromatsu reached out, his eyes shifting from the books to Karamatsu's face. "Are you sure, nii-san?" he asked, settling the four magazines in his lap.
Karamatsu smiled at him and made his own bowl of rice. "Of course I am. I know how much you love idol merchandise." He took a few mushrooms from the pot and brought them to his mouth. "I wasn't sure who you liked other than Nyaa-chan, so I got you two more. I think they're all pretty new, I tried to get ones that still had the plastic on them."
When he realized no one else was talking, Karamatsu quieted down. They were all looking at him with similar expressions, though Karamatsu couldn't tell what the expression was, and no one had even touched their food.
Choromatsu continued to blink at him. "Do you… do you not want them?" Karamatsu asked, lowering his chopsticks. "I thought about what you might like…."
"I just thought you were buying those fashion magazines, Karamatsu-nii-san," Todomatsu piped up. "I didn't realize you picked anything else up. Weren't those like, 5000 yen each?"
"5000 yen?" Choromatsu asked, looking over the magazines again. "Karamatsu-nii-san, for that price they’re probably limited edition!"
Karamatsu squirmed under five pairs of eyes. "Is that good?" he asked nervously.
"That's amazing!" Choromatsu hugged him in a way he hadn't for years, excitedly and voluntarily, until Karamatsu felt his ribs might crack under the pressure. Instead of pulling away he lifted his free hand to rub the back of Choromatsu's head. "I can pay you back, of course, but--"
"No," Karamatsu interrupted, voice a bit hoarse from lack of air. "No, they were a gift, Choromatsu. I saw them and they reminded me of you."
"How fucking sweet," Ichimatsu said from across the table, eyes tired as always but with a less-than-happy expression on his face. "Kusomatsu actually had a thought for once."
No one joined in on the ribbing--if it could be called that. It was more like a full on attack but Karamatsu wouldn't fault his brothers for participating, as long as it resulted in more unity between the five of them.
Todomatsu frowned over at Ichimatsu, his thumb stilling over his phone. "Karamatsu-nii-san actually helped me a lot when we went shopping. He found me, like, two entire outfits and some new shoes."
Ichimatsu didn't seem to know how to reply to that, but Karamatsu jumped in. "It was mostly you, Totty. Ichimatsu's right. I don't really know how to think."
Choromatsu, still hugging his books like they were treasures, looked over at him, lips turned down. "You and Jyushimatsu are always making those songs up on the roof," he chimed in before setting his books behind him and making a grab for a piece of steak that Osomatsu tried to steal while they weren't looking. "That sounds like a lot of thought to me."
Jyushimatsu nodded emphatically. "Karamatsu-nii-san comes up with most of the words, and the guitar parts. I just help him sing them!"
Osomatsu leaned his chin in his hand, his elbow on top of the table and a strip of carrot in his mouth. "Don't you always help mom with the dishes and the groceries and stuff?" he asked with his mouth full, earning a disapproving glance from Choromatsu that he ignored. "Why don't you have a job? You do more than any of us in a day."
Karamatsu actually had an answer for that. "The cashiers at the grocery see me all the time, and apparently they have an opening…," he admitted, picking at his rice. "I thought about taking it so I can help mom with grocery costs. We all eat… kind of a lot on a daily basis."
This whole "being silent when he talked" thing was more than unnerving. He didn't look up at all, eating his rice and pulling vegetables out of the pot. Slowly conversation began to pick up again, Jyushimatsu regaling every second of his baseball training that day to Todomatsu, Choromatsu explaining to Karamatsu in excited tones which releases the books were, and how they were in absolutely pristine condition.
Osomatsu was content to jump into which ever conversation suited him best at that moment. Karamatsu, always keeping an eye on everything his brothers were doing, saw Osomatsu begin to talk to Ichimatsu, whose voice was so low Karamatsu couldn't make anything out.
He realized what he was doing was rude quite quickly and put all of his attention back on Choromatsu, nodding and oohing and aahing appropriately. Choromatsu got more into his explanations the more he was allowed to talk about them, until Karamatsu took some humor in directing Choromatsu's chopsticks down into the pot and back up again into Choromatsu's mouth. He stopped around every bite instead of talking like Osomatsu would which was even funnier.
"Tell them what we sang after baseball practice, nii-san!" Jyushimatsu cheered, spraying rice everywhere. Todomatsu and Choromatsu, after he turned a scolding whisper at Jyushimatsu, looked up at him expectantly.
"Mm." Karamatsu continued to eat to buy himself time. When he couldn't shove any more food in his mouth or he would choke, he finally chewed and swallowed. "Most of them don't have names," he admitted, rolling down the sleeves of his hoodie over his wrists.
"You can tell them what they were about!"
Karamatsu sighed and nodded. "Well, some of them are just random words that rhyme--"
"That's not true, nii-san," Jyushimatsu said with a rare furrow between his eyebrows. "They're like tongue-twisters! And you make them up on the spot sometimes!"
"That's pretty cool, nii-san," Todomatsu said, his phone face down on the table as he finally started eating.
Karamatsu's grip tightened on the ends of his sleeves. "I don't know what's going on, and I'm sorry, but I don't like it."
Todomatsu frowned at him, taking more food from the hotpot. "What do you mean, nii-san?"
"This," Karamatsu replied pointedly. He gestured his hand around the table. "You don't have to, to pretend. Just insult me for fuck's sake." His head was hurting as if it was punishing him for the thoughts he was having against his brothers but once the dams were open it was hard to close them again. "Jyushimatsu can't lie to save his life, but somehow you all have got him to participate in your little… your little--"
"Karamatsu, what the hell are you talking about?" Osomatsu said, still grinning. "You're not on the rag, are you?"
Karamatsu pushed himself away from the table and stood. Everyone's eyes followed him and no one was ignoring him now, and wasn't that what he wanted all along? But it was wrong, it was forced and he had never felt so uncomfortable. "Go back to your dinner," he said, walking out of the room and down to the front door, shoving his feet in his shoes and leaving the house.
No one protested behind him.
It was very, very late when Karamatsu finally stopped walking and sat on a bench in the middle of a public park. He wasn't absolutely positive about where he was in relation to home, but he wasn't particularly keen on returning anyway.
A cat that looked very familiar to the one who woke him up that morning came ambling through the grass toward him. Karamatsu watched it jump up on the bench next to him and curl up with its back pressing against his thigh. He chanced patting its head gently, and when it began to purr, he scratched it behind its ear and against its ribs.
He was so engrossed in pleasing his new cat friend that he didn't see Ichimatsu come and sit next to him until the younger cleared his throat. Karamatsu didn't quite shriek but he did jump a foot off of the bench, eyes wide as he stared over at his brother.
"I-Ichimatsu," he wheezed, hand over his heart. "Sorry about monopolizing your gorgeous friend. She seemed cold and I--"
"Why did you blow up at dinner, Kusomatsu?" Ichimatsu asked without fanfare.
Karamatsu continued to look at him for a moment, and then dropped his eyes back down to the cat, who was whining about not being pet anymore. Karamatsu ran an extremely careful hand over its stomach and smoothed the soft fur there.
"I didn't mean to," Karamatsu began. "I love all of you, all of my brothers, but sometimes… sometimes I just get so upset with myself. I try not to show it." He watched the cat flip onto its back before scritching under its chin. "I usually go for a walk or…." He crossed his legs at the ankles. "Or smoke a little. I'm trying to quit."
Out of the corner of his eye, Karamatsu could see Ichimatsu looking at him as if he'd never seen him before. "You smoke?" was all he asked.
"Mm. I probably started in… high school. Mom had a fit the first time she caught me so I've had to be extra careful since then."
Ichimatsu shifted, burying his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie. "I didn't know that," he said softly.
All Karamatsu could do was shrug. "None of you did until just now. I usually put the packs somewhere you won't find them."
"Where?"
Karamatsu smiled wryly. "I'm not telling you," he said.
Ichimatsu huffed a laugh.
Karamatsu couldn't remember the last time he and Ichimatsu just sat like this without slinging insults or being purposefully mean. He found he liked it a lot. It made him remember when they were all closer, as children, and he got the sudden urge to hold his younger brother's hand.
"Are you coming home?" Ichimatsu asked eventually. Karamatsu hesitated for just a moment, but that was enough time for Ichimatsu to sniffle wetly and choke out, "Please come home."
"Oh, Ichimatsu," Karamatsu sighed, lifting the cat and placing it in his brother's lap before shifting next to him, wrapping his arm around Ichimatsu's shoulders and guiding Ichimatsu's head to his chest. He wasn't sobbing, not really, but Karamatsu could feel tears leaking all the way through his sweatshirt which meant there were a lot of them.
"I'm sorry I'm mean to you," Ichimatsu said but Karamatsu shushed him.
"Don't apologize, little brother." He tucked Ichimatsu's head under his chin and leaned further back on the bench. "I understand. I'm not angry with you." Ichimatsu began to shake his head and Karamatsu lifted his other hand to stroke Ichimatsu's hair, scritching behind his ear like he did the cat. Ichimatsu had a similar reaction to his feline friend, stretching his legs and burying his face further into Karamatsu's chest.
Karamatsu let him lie like that for a few minutes but when it his hands started to get cold and Ichimatsu's head got heavier, letting Karamatsu know he was inches from being dead asleep, Karamatsu helped him sit up. "Come on, Ichimatsu. I'm sure everyone is worried about you."
Ichimatsu, whose eyes were still red but thankfully dry, looked like he was about to cry again. "They're worried about you, too, Kusomatsu!"
Karamatsu let him think what he wanted. He stood, helping Ichimatsu stand as well; the cat slid off of Ichimatsu's lap and made its way down one of the park's paths. Ichimatsu watched it go, and then let Karamatsu tug him forward so they could go home.
It took less than five minutes for Ichimatsu to flag. Karamatsu looked at him fondly, resolutely stumbling forward in his sandals, before he stopped his brother, crouched in front of him, and pulled him up onto his back. Ichimatsu automatically wrapped his arms around Karamatsu's neck, letting himself be held under his thighs and resting his chin on Karamatsu's shoulder.
"I'm tired," Ichimatsu said needlessly.
"I know," Karamatsu replied with laughter in his voice. "We'll get home and get you in your pajamas." His steps stuttered for a moment when a thought hit him but he kept walking. "They've all gone to the bathhouse by now. Do you want to go see if they're still there?"
Ichimatsu shook his head without saying anything. Karamatsu adjusted his grip on his younger brother and kept walking.
When they got home, Ichimatsu more than half asleep and Karamatsu getting a bit tired from carrying him, Osomatsu pulled the door open before Karamatsu could even get his keys out. "Osomatsu-nii-san?" he asked, surprised.
"Where were you?" Osomatsu asked, hair sticking up in a million directions like he'd been pulling at it. "Ichimatsu went after you and--" He stopped abruptly when he saw Ichimatsu's face over Karamatsu's shoulder. "Why did you leave?" he finished, defeated.
Karamatsu didn't think he'd ever felt more guilty. Osomatsu had enough stress as the oldest--Karamatsu saw him doing headcounts almost constantly, making sure each brother was in his place--and Karamatsu tried his best not to add to it. Except for today. "I didn't want you all to… to see me like that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of it."
Osomatsu looked a bit frazzled but he ushered Karamatsu in, helping Ichimatsu back to the ground and holding him up with an arm around his waist. "You're really worrying me, Karamatsu," he said, frowning again.
Karamatsu blinked tears away and nodded. "Sorry," he said again. Osomatsu took their younger brother away, leaving Karamatsu to stand alone at the foot of the stairs.
The next morning Karamatsu had to quickly stub out a cigarette when he heard the balcony door opening and closing behind him.
"I already know," Osomatsu said, bumping shoulders with Karamatsu. "You think you could hide something like that from your big bro?"
Karamatsu sighed but pulled out another cigarette, lighting it with his hand around the tip to block out the morning breeze. Osomatsu watched him with curious eyes. "Do you want one?" Karamatsu asked, holding it out over the balcony railing so the ash didn't fall on the floor.
Osomatsu shook his head. "I don't smoke. And neither should you."
Karamatsu nodded at him and took another drag.
"What's wrong? Really." Osomatsu crossed his arms and leaned against the wooden railing. "You haven't seemed like… normal Karamatsu in a while. Painful Karamatsu."
The balcony door slid open again. "Don't call him that."
Karamatsu closed his eyes and sighed. "Is everyone going to come out here? Is this an intervention?" he asked, half joking and half serious. Then his eyes snapped open and he looked over at Osomatsu. "Sorry, I meant--"
Osomatsu plucked the cigarette from his fingers, put it between his own lips, and inhaled deeply. He didn't cough, much to Karamatsu's surprise. Osomatsu winked at him. "I don't smoke now. It was easy to quit. Just got expensive."
"Stop apologizing," Ichimatsu said, still standing in the doorway, as if Osomatsu hadn't said anything. "It's like you're stepping all over your own self. Stand up for yourself for once."
Karamatsu pressed his lips thin and rubbed the pads of his index finger and thumb together. He glanced over to Ichimatsu but couldn't think of anything to say. Ichimatsu got frustrated and left them alone again, half-slamming the balcony door behind him. Osomatsu was still smoking, elbows on the railing, looking out at nothing. "You look really cool, nii-san," Karamatsu said abruptly.
Osomatsu turned slightly and grinned. "You think so?" He did one of Karamatsu's poses, so well that Karamatsu had a second of confusion on whether or not he was looking in a mirror. "Gimme a pair of your sunglasses."
Karamatsu couldn't help but laugh. "No, Osomatsu. You'd probably break them."
"Can't fault a man for trying." Osomatsu reached out to ruffle Karamatsu's hair like he did when they were kids, but Karamatsu was fast enough to duck under it. His older brother got a bit serious again and tilted his head toward the inside of the house. "You've seen how Ichimatsu is, right?"
"Yes." Karamatsu thought he was too tired to feel anything but tired, but apparently he could still fret over his brothers with less than half brain function. "He… he was upset last night. I'm not sure what happened after I left."
Osomatsu looked at him oddly, cigarette still hanging from his hand. "What happened is that you left. You know how much he cares about you."
Karamatsu took his cigarette back. "Do I?" he asked, exhaling a lungful of smoke. "He doesn't like me at all."
Osomatsu rolled his eyes and reached into Karamatsu's hoodie pocket to get another cigarette of his own. "You know how nervous he is, with emotions and things. He doesn't really know how to show it but I'm pretty sure he loves you the most." Karamatsu didn't try to deny it and took a moment to think. He also noticed Osomatsu pilfering another three cigarettes but didn't say anything.
"Do you think I should talk to him?"
"Sure," Osomatsu said lightly, flipping Karamatsu's lighter up in the air and catching it--Karamatsu didn't catch him stealing that. Osomatsu really did have the quickest fingers out of the six of them. "Don't tell him I said anything," he continued, rubbing under his nose with his free hand. "He'll probably kick my ass."
"You know you're the best fighter, nii-san."
"Yeah, but he can probably use some kind of… dark aura technique to take me down." Osomatsu was grinning as he said that, drawing a smile out of Karamatsu as well. "If I were you, I would take him to one of his weird alleyways and feed cats with him. He's always nice when he's around them."
Karamatsu nodded slowly. He was getting tired again, and it was early enough that he had time to go back to bed, so he decided to think on it a bit longer. Of course he wanted to let his younger brother know he loved him, but he didn't want to change their dynamic. If Ichimatsu hated him, he hated him, and that was his decision. Karamatsu would love him either way.
Karamatsu tucked the rest of his pack between the side of the house and a little plant pot that Choromatsu took care of. "I'll quit if you do," he said absently. Osomatsu cuffed the back of his head, and then pushed him in the back toward the balcony door.
He slid the door open as quietly as he could and closed it behind him before the cold morning air (and Osomatsu's cigarette smoke) could creep in. He took the stairs two at a time until he got to their bedroom and opened that door quietly as well. Todomatsu was sound asleep, curled up on his side with his hands tucked up under his chin. Jyushimatsu had wiggled his way on top of Choromatsu, but he didn't seem to mind, his hand resting on Jyushimatsu's back.
Ichimatsu was still awake. He looked up when Karamatsu came in, eyes tired and a little red like he'd been crying again.
Karamatsu climbed into the futon next to him and Todomatsu kind of gravitated to his warmth, pressing his face into Karamatsu's back because Osomatsu wasn't at his other side to cling to. Karamatsu let himself be clung to, facing Ichimatsu. "Are you alright, brother?"
"Don't call me that," Ichimatsu said quickly. He glanced up at Karamatsu from under his eyelashes and, after realizing Karamatsu was still looking at him, turned absolutely pink.
"May I accompany you to feed your little furry friends after the sun rises, brother?" Karamatsu asked, teasing Ichimatsu until the younger frowned at him. "Could you use another hand?" he asked again more seriously.
Ichimatsu watched him warily, much like one of the cats, eyeing Karamatsu just in case he didn't have pure intentions. Eventually he nodded. "Just don't scare them away, Kusomatsu." He shifted closer, just like Todomatsu, and closed his eyes. Karamatsu watched him for a bit and shut his eyes as well, lulled to sleep by the warmth of his brothers around him.
They all woke up when Osomatsu came back inside because he slammed the door too loud. "Oops," he said with a sheepish expression faced by the glares of four of his younger brothers (Jyushimatsu, as usual, was dead to the world).
Choromatsu recoiled. "Osomatsu, you smell like an ashtray. When did you start smoking?"
Osomatsu rubbed his index finger under his nose, smiling eyes pinned on Karamatsu. "When Karamatsu gave me the rest of his pack," he replied.
"I didn't say you could have the whole pack," Karamatsu said quietly, mostly to himself, under Choromatsu's "smoking is horrible for you, Karamatsu-nii-san!" and Todomatsu's "you're going to start going to the gym with me so you'll be forced to quit!" and Osomatsu's gasping, laughing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
They didn't stop until the smell of breakfast reached them, and then Jyushimatsu shot awake like he was never sleeping and they were all quick to fold up the futon. Osomatsu stayed behind to change into his hoodie before following them--Karamatsu figured he didn't want to smell like smoke in front of their parents, but Karamatsu could still smell it on him. Maybe it was his experience with his own brand.
Halfway through breakfast, when Karamatsu was near zoning out with their normal early-morning quiet, Ichimatsu tapped his arm almost shyly. "Will you really come with me today?" he asked under his breath.
Karamatsu nodded at him, posing as subtly as he could. "Have I ever lied to you, brother?"
Ichimatsu winced but didn't say anything to the contrary. Instead he continued to eat quietly. Karamatsu's gaze was caught by Osomatsu waving at him from the other side of the table, and when he realized he had his brother's attention, he sent him an overdramatic thumbs up. Karamatsu rolled his eyes but inside, he was incredibly pleased.
The same cat as before walked up to them while they were in the street. It talked to Ichimatsu first, a series of mrrrows and maows that didn't end until it got a pat on the head. Then it turned to Karamatsu, stretching up on its back legs and pawing at his jeans.
"She wants to be picked up," Ichimatsu said. He lifted the cat himself, settling it into Karamatsu's open arms. He only slightly knew how to hold a cat but he tried his best, holding it under the back legs where it could stand comfortably, his other hand supporting its back. It reached up to lean over his shoulder, paws firm against his chest, and he grinned.
Ichimatsu watched them impassively. "I didn't know anyone could like you that much, Kusomatsu," he muttered.
Karamatsu turned; the cat was still rubbing its face all over his and didn't take offense to him turning away, using the opportunity to rub against the back of his head. "I didn't either," Karamatsu said, running his hand down the cat's back and getting more than an earful of purring in return. "Do you think cats understand being 'painful', brother, or do they just take affection where they can?"
Ichimatsu's eyes narrowed at the near-insult to his friends, but Karamatsu thought he made the right call. "Cats are smarter than you, Kusomatsu, so I think they can tell an idiot from a normal person."
Time to double down, even if Ichimatsu got pissed. "So why does this one like me? I think she can't tell that I'm stupid and painful." Reminding himself of true characteristics didn't hurt him at all, but they seemed to make Ichimatsu uncomfortable. That wasn't really Karamatsu's intention but he at least wanted to get yelled at so Ichimatsu could feel better.
"You're not stupid." Ichimatsu shifted from one foot to another, eyes on the cat. "Not… not really. It's just something I call you because I want to."
Karamatsu, despite the extra sleep he got that morning, was very tired. It was all he could do to smile faintly at his younger brother and shift his feet back and forth like he was rocking a baby--the cat seemed to enjoy that immensely. "That doesn't mean it's not true," he reminded. "I know I'm mostly oblivious, Ichimatsu. I'm not good at reading a lot of situations, I'm not good at thinking, I'm not good at making all of you happy. After 20-something years I should have learned at least some of these things."
Ichimatsu rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. "Shut up, Kusomatsu, before I shut you up," he growled into the fabric of his sleeves.
Karamatsu nodded. The cat tried to climb him further, settling around his shoulders so he had to bend forward a little so it wouldn't fall off. As Ichimatsu asked, he kept the rest of his thoughts to himself, thoughts like Osomatsu couldn't have been more wrong about this and the only way I can make Ichimatsu feel better is to leave him alone.
He lifted the cat gently off of his shoulders, making sure its claws didn't drag against his sweatshirt, and set it on the ground. Instead of walking away it turned circles around his feet, staring at the dry food bag Ichimatsu was holding but not leaving Karamatsu's side. "Go on, beautiful," he said in a whisper, gently shooing the cat toward his younger brother. As soon as Ichimatsu bent to open the bag and feed his cat friend, Karamatsu took a step back, and then another. He almost wanted to watch Ichimatsu from down the street, just to make sure he got home okay, but he realized his "younger" brother was the same age as him.
Oblivious, he thought to himself.
"Kuso--Karamatsu-nii-san!"
Karamatsu paused and looked back at his brother. "Did you need something, Ichimatsu?"
Ichimatsu had left the cat food bag open, much to the delight of his friend, who was half-way inside of it already, and marched over to Karamatsu. For a moment, Karamatsu was positive Ichimatsu would hit him, but like last night, he shoved his face in Karamatsu's chest, demanding a hug.
At least, that's what Karamatsu thought he was demanding. As it was he wrapped his arms around his brother, one around his shoulders and his other hand rubbing circles on the nape of his neck. Ichimatsu shuffled even closer, sliding his arms around Karamatsu's waist and holding him tightly.
"I hate you," Ichimatsu mumbled against his brother.
Karamatsu frowned down at him. "I knew that, Ichimatsu."
Ichimatsu knocked his head harder on Karamatsu's sternum. "Why don’t you fight back, Kusomatsu?"
"Because you're allowed to feel how you want to feel." Karamatsu lifted one hand to sweep back his bangs and sparkle at no one in particular, because the alley was empty except for him, his brother, and the cat, who was now fully inside the food bag. "A true gentleman doesn't constrain his comrades to a set range of emotion, he--"
"I don't hate you!" Ichimatsu protested, loud enough to interrupt the beginning of Karamatsu's monologue. "Fuck, Kusomatsu, I don't hate you. You just make me so… angry." He tightened his hands in the back of Karamatsu's hoodie. "Why don’t you ever yell at me? Why don't you tell me I'm trash, I'm worthless?"
Karamatsu didn't have to think of an answer. "Because it's not true. How could an older brother ever think that of his younger sibling? They would have to lock me away, to force me to--"
"But I insult you all the time. You never get mad except for last night, when everyone was complimenting you except me. You were angry with me because I'm cruel, and I'm cruel because…." Ichimatsu took a shuttering breath. "Because you're worth so much more than I am."
Karamatsu half smiled at his brother's explanation. There were so many wrong opinions, about himself, about Karamatsu, that Karamatsu didn't think he could explain them all in one day. For now, he murmured, "I wasn't mad at you last night. I wasn't mad at anyone except myself." He leaned back so he could look into Ichimatsu's face, studying the tears in the corners of his eyes and the deep furrow between his eyebrows. "I miss when you used to come to me for things like this when we were kids," Karamatsu admitted. "I never want to see you upset, but when you were, you would come crying to me and not let me go for hours. I didn't want to let you go until you pulled away."
Ichimatsu didn't seem to know how to answer. He did extricate himself from Karamatsu's hold, and Karamatsu let him.
They just looked at each other for a few seconds. Ichimatsu was the first to turn away, walking slowly back to the bag of cat food and pulling the cat out of it, careful not to squeeze its stomach. The cat looked at the both of them, and then ran in the opposite direction, tail held high.
"There's more cats to feed," Ichimatsu said, lifting the bag into his arms. He paused. "I want you to come with me more. The cats seem to think you're… cool. I don't!" he denied immediately, but Karamatsu already knew how he sounded when he was lying so adamantly.
It feel so much like a joke anymore. Karamatsu knew he had to apologize to the rest of his siblings, but Ichimatsu seemed to have forgiven him just fine.
"I will accompany you, brother, for the streets are dangerous this early in the morning, and I would not have you cornered by a band of ruffians--"
Ichimatsu threw some cat food at him to get him to shut up. Karamatsu caught the little smile on his face before he walked away, expecting Karamatsu to follow. He did.