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Crowley sits in the bookshop, drinking, and wallowing in his loss. He had kissed him, the angel had forgiven him and then left him. He feels anger boiling up, lightning flashing under his skin and scales rippling in and out of view. He knows he needs to leave the bookshop, or he might very well destroy it, and he doesn’t want that. Not really. He is an optimist and hopes that the angel will someday come back and it wouldn’t do if Crowley destroyed it in his rage. Crowley miracles himself to his flat but leaves just as quickly, he doesn’t want to be there either. Only one place he truly wants to unleash his fury and that is heaven.
Standing just outside the elevator on the first floor of heaven, he marvels in the fact that no alarms sound, not one angel seems to take notice of him. *Bees* He thinks as he walks down the hall, the hem of his white robe dragging slightly behind him, his now long curls bouncing just above his hips as he stalks down the halls of heaven.
He reached an intersection and when he didn’t see anyone in sight, he felt the rage bubble up and decided this was as good of a place as any to make his stand. He lets the fire and rage and deep heartache churn and rage until he felt he couldn’t contain what was about to happen and letting out a gut-wrenching roar he let it loose. Feeling the sting as the energy struck out and blackened all it touched, marble chunks skidding along the floor with the destruction. He cried out and flames joined the lightning, not hell fire, but just flames.
A crowd had begun to gather, he frantically looked around, not seeing Aziraphale, he decided to make it personal.
He curled in and flexed every muscle to the point of pain and let the rage build, he could feel it, this would be good. With a smirk he exploded with all the energy he had left and laughed as the other angels jumped back in fear. He could see Michael and Uriel rushing to the scene, their weapons drawn, but the look on their faces gave away that they were unsure what to do.
“Where is Aziraphale!” he roared, and it shook the walls.
When no answer came, he changed tactics and began moving towards the Archangels.
“Where is the supreme archangel Aziraphale?!!!!” he asked, venom in his words. He felt the desire for death and destruction keenly, but held it back, trying to remember why he was here.
He was met with silence until a small angel with the biggest brown eyes he’d ever seen raised their hand and waited to be acknowledged.
“You, do you know where your boss is?” he let the fire go out on the hand he pointed at the with.
“Y-yes. But I’m afraid you won’t be able to see him.” They clutched their hands together in front of them.
“And why is that prey tell?” he let his fire dim slightly but left the lightning crackling along his skin.
“Well, it’s only that…” they trailed off trying to think.
“It’s what? Come on…out with it!”
“If I show you, will you stop burning? It scares me and I don’t think the plants will do well either.” They looked terrified, both by the flaming creature before them, but also that they had agreed to something without permission. They glanced at Uriel and Michael who both looked angry and astonished.
Crowley put out the fire but continued to smolder and the lighting and scales continued to ripple along his body giving away how little control he had.
“Better?” there was an edge to his words that he knew this angel didn’t deserve but he also didn’t care.
They nodded slightly and turned to walk down the hall, Crowley following.
They stopped at what appeared to be a door so well hidden it simply appeared to be a door.
“I am not supposed to even know this place is here, but I happened upon it one day and The Supreme Archangel caught me in here and since then I have been allowed to enter.” They stopped with their hand on the demon’s chest, trusting that Crowley wouldn’t hurt them, that was a huge leap, but he cooled his skin where they touched.
“You should know that he is not the same as when he first came up here.”
‘Whaddya mean not the same?” he asked.
“I think you should talk to him first, just know that it is like a part of him is broken or missing somehow. Please be kind, he has a very heavy heart. And we still need him; you have no idea what he has done up here. Especially for us.” They said gesturing towards themselves to indicate that they meant low ranking angels.
At the thought of his angel being broken he felt all the rage fall away and he felt weak as the flame and lightning vanished and the scales all disappeared. It made his head spin, but he put a hand on the angel’s shoulder and said, “Thank you. Please.”
With that, the angel opened the door and stepped back to allow Crowley to enter, closing the door behind him. He didn’t even look back, having spotted the angel sitting on a rock in the sun, staring out at the garden before him. He realized that the angel didn’t seem to know he was there, so he took a moment to take him in, his hair was longer, and he looked like shit in that plain gray suit of heaven. He looked closer and realized what he saw was a beard, “Aziraphale hates beards” was all that came to him. What had they done to him?
He moved closed and gently said “Hiya angel.” He made no move to get closer but waited to see what reaction he would receive.
He saw his shoulders sag a bit, his posture no longer stiff and ramrod straight as it usually was. He hadn’t even seen his face, but he could tell that Aziraphale was carrying a very heavy weight and that saddened him greatly. His angel was always light and airy, a very excitable hedonist, it is part of why he loved him. He took another step towards him but came up short when he heard him speak.
“What do you want Crowley?”
He sounded defeated, exhausted and very, very sad. He didn’t even chastise him for busting into heaven.
“Can I sit down?” he waited.
The only response he received was Aziraphale miracling the rock large enough for him to sit down without touching him. He took what he could get and sat down, making sure to leave space between them.
He wanted to talk to him, but he just didn’t know what to say. Aziraphale turned his head to look at Crowley, “Answer me, Crowley.” His eyes didn’t sparkle, his tone sounded dry and lifeless, amending. This was not his angel, not anymore and that was more heartbreaking than him choosing to leave.
“I…….” he couldn’t decide why he was here, what did he want? What did he need?
Aziraphale turned his face back to the garden, but said nothing more, made no move to shoo him away or ask more questions. He just sat there, staring out into the distance.
“I'm not afraid of the war you've come to wage against my sins. I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend.” Crowley finally said, not an answer really, but it was all he had right now.
When the angel looked at him briefly, he took a deep breath and carried on, what did it matter anyway, if the world was going to end may as well say what he wanted.
“I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face. And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same” He added reverently. Trying to tell the angel that while he knew that he had to do what he had to do, that he didn’t blame him, and he wasn’t afraid. If he were honest, if he had to be destroyed, he would rather the angel do it than some demon or other heavenly host, at least he hoped the angel would miss him.
Aziraphale finally turned to face Crowley and taking a deep breath he began to speak.
“Crowley, do you know what this place is?”
Crowley looked around briefly, but he knew already, it was Eden. So, he just nodded, hoping he would continue to speak.
“This all I have left. Of myself, of you.” His head dropped to look at his feet as he spoke the next words, “Of us.”
Crowley felt as though all the air had been punched from his chest. That word “us”, it hung heavy with unspoken truth between them. Crowley started to feel this would be a weight neither of them would ever be able to set down. He felt air return to his lungs, and he struggled to find his voice.
“It…..” what was he going to say? That it didn’t have to be, but he left. That it doesn’t have to be, he is here now? What could he say?
The silence stretched out, both of them crushed under the weight of choice, or destiny, either way, it was a shared pain. Neither knew how much time had passed, but eventually Aziraphale straightened and rolled his neck with a soft crack, then made to push himself up from the rock. He stood and turned to look at Crowley.
“The last thing I tasted of Earth was you. And the hardest part is how no matter what I do, how busy I am, thoughts of you are always there.” He stood there, putting it all out there, not that it would make a difference, but at least it was truth.
Crowley sighed, “What am I supposed to do here? Aziraphale, you asked me to stay with you, but only if I agreed to give up who I am, to be an angel. I said no, to heaven, to hell…..to you. And yet here I am, sneaking into this awful place…again…..for you…..” He stood up and moved to stand before the angel, “What am I doing here? That is a very good question.”
They stood staring at each other, neither able or willing to budge, or let go. As time passed Crowley resigned himself to not getting any answers, he never did, why would this be different. So, he did the only thing he could, he snapped, changing his appearance back to his usual, pulling the sunglasses out of his jacket pocket. As he put them on he looked at Aziraphale one last time, “Good bye, angel.” He felt his heart being ripped from his chest as he turned away from him for the last time. He wouldn’t do this again, to him, to them.
He paused before the apple tree and touched the bark, leaving a message carved in the tree, “AZ + CR”. He reached out to touch the wound and as his hand came away, he felt a hand on his arm and a grip turning him. The next thing he knew, Aziraphale, was kissing him. Pouring every ounce of everything he had into it. He felt one hand at his waist, and the other tangled in curls at the back of his head pulling him close. The sound that escaped him as he felt a tongue drag across his lips was wanton and under any other circumstance would have been embarrassing, but the demanding softness of the Angel’s tongue inside his mouth was exquisite. Without his permission he felt his arms wrap around strong shoulders and hold on as if his life depended on it, maybe in some ways it did.
They parted but didn’t move away from one another.
“Oh Crowley. You must know how much I love you, exactly as you are. You must know that I am happy you didn’t agree to be made into an angel, that is NOT what I would have wanted.” Aziraphale’s voice was broken and soft.
Crowley lifted his chin to meet his gaze saying, “Angel, why is there a but coming?”
Aziraphale drops his head to Crowley’s chest and spoke in such a whisper it was almost missed. “But you can’t stay here, and I can’t leave.”
Crowley hugged him tight and said “Oh Angel, don’t you know that I know that. You are doing things here, important things, and I don’t belong here. But that doesn’t mean it has to last forever. Wasn’t it you who said that nothing lasts forever?” He hadn’t meant it as a jab, it was gentle.
Aziraphale looked up at him then, eyes shinning with emotion, “I don’t know if I can do this without you. When you are gone it is like part of me is missing.”
“Aziraphale, how can someone so clever be so stupid?” he said smiling though his eyes watered.
Aziraphale looked pained but he was thinking.
“Come on angel, since when have I ever been gone? Haven’t we always managed to bump into one another through the ages? Why does that have to stop now? I mean I snuck into heaven to find you, didn’t I?”
He held him close and said, “You did indeed.” He smiled against the demon’s chest.
“Aziraphale if you need me, you’ll find a way. Won’t you?” he asked, also needing some reassurance.
Aziraphale pulled back to look at him, not wanting to be misunderstood in the moment.
“My dear boy, I will find you in any universe, I would know you in any form, always.”
They stood under the apple tree, lips touching, hands reverently stroking, all promises and truth. Crowley stepped back, slid on his sunglasses and stood, drinking in the angel before him, his smile making his eyes twinkle. Reaching up he picked an apple and took a bite, then holding it out for Aziraphale.
“Tempt you?” he smirked.
Stepping closer and taking a bite out of the apple without touching it, juice dripping down his chin and the demon’s fingers, he smiled and batted his eye lashes.
“Temptation accomplished.” He gently held Crowley’s hand that held the apple and spoke.
“Until next time. I’ll be watching.” With a wink and a kiss blown in his direction he sent the demon back to the bookshop with a woosh of air, scented with apples and smoke.
Crowley still had a smile when he popped back into the bookshop. Looking around he called out to Muriel, “Hey, kid, you here?”
“Oh hey! Mr. Crowley. You are looking well again, thank heavens.” They beamed.
“Right, yes. Well, what would you say to a day on the town. Lots of human things to try, being that its Saturday. Have you ever been to a Farmer’s Market?”
He offered his arm as they exited the shop and walked down the road. Crowley sporting an easy stride while explaining the market to the angel.
Aziraphale smiled as he closed the viewing window. They would find a way; he realized that they always had. This was just a new round of figuring it out. He felt reassured after the garden and knew that when he needed the demon, he would find him or be found by him.
You could say they were ineffable.