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Fumbling through my pockets in search of my keys, it was only a short moment later that I realised that they were inside. Begrudgingly, I resigned myself to knocking, knowing that my aunt wouldn’t be pleased. It was Yuuichi who answered though, after a good few minutes of waiting.
He looked at me, in that way he sometimes did, as though he wasn’t sure if I was real or just a fragment of his imagination. Just one more character to control, like in the video games he was so obsessed with.
“Yuuichi?” My voice seemed to startle him as he jumped back, blinking rapidly and balling his fists at his side. “I forgot my keys. Are you going to let me in?”
A beat too long before he replied, jaw working in agitation. “I thought you were out all day. Mum and dad are away for the night.”
“So can I come in?” He was still blocking the doorway with his body, desperately trying to avoid my gaze. Usually he would have left the door open and retreated back inside as soon as he saw it was me, so something was clearly wrong.
“Mum said not to let you back in if you came back.” And there it was, the bombshell figuratively dropped, voice reverberating around and around and-
“Auntie always did know how to hold a grudge. Did she mention why?”
Here the fidgeting grew worse, a hand coming up to grip the doorframe as he shot glances over his shoulder, clearly wishing to be anywhere but here, anywhere but talking to me.
“That... that boy you’re always with... he...”
“Hide?” I cut him off, taking an involuntary step forward. “Are you talking about Hideyoshi Nagachika?”
He nodded, shifting his weight to his favoured foot before continuing, “She found out about you two.”
“What?” Now it was my turn to be agitated. I had expected this to be about the incident just over a week ago now, when Hide demanded that my aunt return my books from the recycling centre. That was a sight to behold, and righteous anger always did look so good on him, but apparently my aunt had found something new to latch onto.
“You know,” Yuuichi was sneering now, features twisting into something unrecognisable, something so reminiscent of his dear mother. The resemblance always was strongest at times like these, times when he would drop the nervous act. He always was surprisingly manipulative, feigning personas that would suit him the best in whatever situation he found himself in at the time. Chameleon-like in his ability to adapt to his every surrounding. Dangerous. “We know what you get up to behind closed doors.”
“Behind... wait... oh,” realisation hits me like a freight train, hard and fast and vicious, a blush colouring my cheeks crimson as the whole atmosphere around us seemed to burn, oxygen combusting and I couldn’t breathe. There’s not enough air, not enough life that could sustain me in this one moment, this one moment where the centre of my universe went spinning out of control and gravity reversed because Hide isn’t just mine anymore.
People know, they know and it’s now not just our secret but everyone else’s too, their hands sullying what we have and twisting it into something it’s not. We have always been undefined, silent words passing between closed lips, agreeing not to put a name to this, but now people know and that’s what’s going to define us. Their thoughts and words and sneering faces will become what we are, what makes us who we are.
“What do you think you know?” I’m practically breathless, mouth too full of saliva no matter how much I swallowed, blinking too fast to try and focus on something other than the dizzying lack of oxygen supporting coherent thought in my brain, repeating the question because it’s the only thing I have left. “What do you think you know?”
“Enough,” and he’s smiling too bright, as though the stars weren’t falling in bright shower sparks around us and the air wasn’t freezing, burning the skin from my bones, the life from my lungs, the words from my lips. “Enough to break you.”
I did the only thing I could think of then, half sure I was dying on my own doorstep. I turned and ran. Fled as fast as I could until the image of Yuiichi’s smiling face was left far behind, and the burning fire in my lungs was more of a physical pain as I panted for oxygen and sweat trickled down the back of my neck.
It was only when I began to lose track of my surroundings, buildings growing unfamiliar and people few and far between, that I drew to a stop. The air had a chill to it that burned stronger than before, and I couldn’t help but shiver as I stumbled along, now no longer craving escape but longing for the familiarity of lost comforts. Of the crinkle of paper between fingers and sharp dig of the arm of my favourite chair in my back and the faint smell of mildew that clung to everything in my father’s study. That was a million miles away though, no longer mine to go back to and no longer safe.
Home, what I truly longed for, was no longer a place for me, hadn’t been for a long time. Home was warm laughter and a lilting voice singing rabbits die of loneliness, Ken and the smooth slide of fingers against skin. Home was listening to music on walks home and trying every coffee shop in town just because we could, and yet always returning to the same place in the end. Home was when he’d point out the different constellations and ask me to tell him the stories despite him having heard them a thousand times, and when he’d lay his head on my shoulder when he was tired, struggling to keep his eyes open.
Home was Hideyoshi Nagachika, and everything that made him up. Home was only a call away, and so I pulled out my phone and dialled it up, because I was done putting off the inevitable.
“Kaneki? Is everything okay?” He answered on the first ring, damn him, but I couldn’t help but smile at that.
“Where are you right now?” I didn’t answer his question, not quite trusting myself.
“Anteiku. I was supposed to be meeting Kiyama to do homework but he didn’t turn up. I was just about to leave,” He spoke quickly, “Though I can stay, if you want?”
“No, that’s okay,” I sighed, backtracking my way through grungy streets, “Start walking home and I’ll meet you on the way.”
There was the distinct sounds of movement in the background, heavy breathing and a dull thud followed by the clink of china and the tinkle of a bell. “You still there?”
“Yeah, don’t hang up?” He laughed, so I continued, “How was your day?”
“Boring,” He groaned, “There’s a new girl at Anteiku though. Bad attitude but she’s kind of cute.”
“You have a crush?” I was teasing, but I couldn’t help the sudden rise of bitter resentment for this girl, despite having never met her, “How very unlike you, Hide. Please, do tell me more.”
“Quit it,” He laughed, “You know I only have eyes for you, darling.”
“Oh,” Slightly breathless and half sure I’m delirious, shaky hands and faster pace all of a sudden just so I could get to him that little bit quicker, see him just that bit sooner.
“Hello? Kaneki? Shit, Ken are you okay?” He was laughing at me so clearly, voice only slightly tinged in worry as he continued to say my name down the phone and I tried to think up an appropriate response, because just what can you say to that? What’s the right reply when I don’t even know what I want from him. “Did I break you, Ken?”
Well that certainly made things easier. “No, you didn’t break me, Hide,” I rolled my eyes for extra measure despite the fact that he couldn’t see me, making sure to include just the right amount of annoyance in my tone to let him know the joke wasn’t appreciated, “It takes a lot more than some cheesy one liner to break me.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, sweetheart,” and oh God, was he flirting? Is this what this was?
“First darling then sweetheart, it’s like you went and picked up a textbook on how to utterly fail at seduction whilst I was away, honey,” and did those words really just fall from my lips? Maybe it was the fact that he couldn’t see my blushing face or that he seemed so happy and willing to play along, but it was as though my mouth suddenly had no filter and Jesus, what was I doing?
“Oh it’s on now babe,” He sounded like he meant it as well, fully into the competition I’d unwittingly started, “I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.”
“Fuck,” I couldn’t help but laugh at the double entendre, “You know I’d like to invite you over, but you’re so hot I’m afraid my air conditioning bill would skyrocket.”
“If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?”
I bit my lip, holding my breath for a few seconds in order to try and compose myself because holy shit, “You’re kinda, sorta, basically, pretty much always on my mind.”
“Are you a magician? Because abraca-DAYUM!”
We were both laughing then, and I could see the back of his jacket now as he walked along on the path in front of me, winding in and out between the various people passing by. Steadily, making sure not to be too loud, I walked up behind him, hesitating a little before wrapping my arms around him and whispering in his ear, “If I could reach out and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, I’d hold the whole sky in the palms of my hands.”
He froze, and I was pulling back, unsure of myself and the sudden crippling wave of what the hell am I doing, when he turned around in my grip, pulling me into a hug right there in the middle of the street. “Ken,” I could hear the smile in the warmth of his tone even if I couldn’t see it, “I think you win.”
I hummed, removing my arms from around him so we could carry on walking together, slipping my phone back into my pocket as we went. It was easy to slip back into routine now that we were together again, easy to not think about anything but the gentle rub of my clothes as I moved, and the cool breeze stinging my cheeks.
“It smells like rain tonight,” Hide is watching the sky, hands stuffed in his pockets and head tilted up towards the sky, still managing to skillfully avoid the others passing by.
“Hm?” I’m not truly paying attention, drifting behind as instead trying to avoid stepping on all the cracks, a game Yuuichi taught me before the hatred settled in. It doesn’t hurt as much to think of him now that I had calmed down, and the game always was oddly entertaining.
“I said-” And he had stopped walking then, causing me to bump into his back, upsetting my balance and sending me stumbling a little. He caught my elbow to help steady me, and if he noticed that I lean into his touch then he doesn’t mention it, just as I don’t mention how he lingers too long, fingernails scratching the wool of my coat when he eventually drags his hand away. This is how things work between us, neither of us mentioning the thick tension that underlies every interaction, each word spoken. “I said it smells like it’s going to rain.”
I tipped my head back as we continued to walk, now side by side, but all I see is winter sun and not a cloud in the sky. Rain could not seem farther away. “You’re delusional.”
“I’m not the one constantly stuck in my own head,” He pouted, bumping my shoulder with his own, “You’re harsh, Kaneki.”
“And you’re still delusional,” I faked a sigh, laughing softly at his put out expression. “But good delusional. Trust me, there’s a difference.”
“Gee, thanks,” He rolled his eyes, “So what’s up at home? Last time we spoke you were ready to settle in for a night of- oh, what was it now? I think you said ‘quiet reading without you constantly disturbing me.’”
“I...” It’s hard, seeing his expectant gaze and knowing that if I did tell him he’d understand. He always seemed to understand, knowing the right words to say and the right way to hold me and assure me that everything would be okay. Maybe it wouldn’t be, not this time though, and so I lied. “I just missed you.”
He caught the hand that was scratching my chin in agitation, folding it into his own, and if his palms were slightly sweaty then I ignored it and if I blushed a little bit then he ignored that too. “I missed you too, Kaneki.”
We walked the rest of the way to his house in silence, still hand in hand, but I still couldn’t help but feel bad about the lie. Usually I’d never lie to him, but it just didn’t feel right to tell. What would he say, knowing that it was our friendship that meant that I couldn’t return to the house that I only lived in through technicalities? Knowing that other people knew that we did things just friends didn’t do?
Usually, I tried not to think about my aunt a lot, but sometimes it can’t be helped. Thoughts of her would creep up on me, much like now; her similarities with my mother and how she used to act so kind, before the reality set in that I would be staying for more than just a few days, more than just a few years even. Her similarities to me that I absolutely hated, because it hurt too much to bear thought that I could be anything like her.
Isn’t it funny though, how quickly people can change? One moment shining and the next deep in the shadowed halls of despair. One moment murmuring words of encouragement, words meant to soothe, and the next screaming profanities for only me to hear.
Isn’t it funny how the things I hated the most about my aunt were also the things I hated the most about myself. The fear of being left alone and the lies that were slowly growing easier to tell, the more I gave them words. The feeling that lately, I’m not quite sure who I am.
I do these things and say these words and act this way, and it’s supposedly me, and yet I can’t help but wonder have I always been like this? This complete mess of jumbled words and emotions constantly bouncing around my mind. It makes no sense, clashing thoughts like waves crashing through my head and my body and my whole self, crashing and destroying everything in their wake.
Just who am I?
The elusive puppet master of my body in this great joke we spin as life, or a mere flicker of existence trying to combat the inevitability of death?
Something, something was missing, some piece of the puzzle, some-
“Kaneki?” I looked up at Hide as he called my name, “We’re home.”
“Yeah,” and I smiled, deciding that perhaps it be best not to tell him that I’d been home all along.
“Come on, Kaneki, just try them on,” Laughter and pressing hands that I was too tired to deny any longer, fingers skimming my cheeks as he slipped the glasses up over the bridge of my nose.
“You look good, look.” He spun me around to face the bathroom mirror, manhandling me gently and tipping my chin up so I’m forced to see.
I looked exactly like my mother.
The frame of the glasses was slightly different, a little less curved, but they slipped slowly down the length of my nose in the same way that her’s used to. Made my eyes look a little bit wider, more childlike, in the way that hers used to.
I saw her in myself every time I looked in a mirror, which is why I usually tried so desperately to avoid it. I saw her in the slope of my neck where it meets shoulder and in the curve of my cheeks, no definition to be found in the slight pudginess still clinging to them.
“Kaneki?” Hide seemed hesitant for once, almost nervous as his warm hand enclosed my shoulder, and it was only then that I realised I’d been silent for all of too long.
“I don’t need to wear glasses.”
And perhaps I was a little too harsh, the edge to my tone a little too sharp, but he didn’t flinch when I handed him back the frames, curling his fingers around them. It came pretty close though, and that brought a whole different kind of sting to the one I was used to feeling, shame colouring my cheeks a deep red that threatened to creep down my neck and stain my chest with my misery.
“Can I stay the night?”
“Yeah,” he slung an arm around me, pulling me back down the hall to his room, ignoring the whole exchange as though it had never happened, his mother’s glasses disappearing back onto the bathroom counter just before we leave the room. “Mum’s making a lasagna tonight.”
I settled back into his warmth then, letting the previous tension drop out of me. No harm done, I reminded myself. Hide would never hold this against me.
“Sounds nice.”
“You know my mum can’t cook, idiot.”
“Still,” and we’re both smiling now as he pushed the door to his room open with his hip, arm still around me, “It’s the thought that counts.”
“Kaneki dear, how’s your aunt?” Hide’s mother was always asking me that. I wasn’t quite sure why as she knew the nature of our relationship, knew why sometimes I would turn up at her doorstep in the middle of the night with nothing but fumbling apologies and thank you’s.
“She’s out with my uncle tonight as things have been tough at work lately,” And just like always, I supply her with an answer anyway, acutely aware of Hide’s hand resting on my knee underneath the table.
“So Yuuichi is home alone?” She questioned, sounding thoroughly concerned with my cousin’s welfare even though she knew quite well the type of boy he was too.
“He prefers it that way,” I shrugged, took another bite of lasagna despite the fact that the pasta was undercooked and the cheese slightly hard still, “I would only get in the way.”
“Nonsense,” She shook her head, smiling kindly. Sometimes I wondered if that was her favourite word, she said it to me that often, always with that soft, sad smile. Sometimes I wondered why she still accepted me into her home at all, as I was nothing but trouble. Sometimes I thought that I should really stop wondering things like that, but that thought never seemed to stick. “Perhaps you and Hide should-”
“No!” It was Hide who cut her off, hand forming a fist on my knee even as he scrambled to continue in softer tones, “I mean, Kaneki and I have a lot of work to do, you know for school,” I nodded along when he pinched my thigh, hand having slipped further up my leg, “And I’m sure Yuuichi does as well. It would be better not to disturb him. He’s always complaining that we’re too loud when we’re over.”
“Okay, okay,” She laughed, holding up her hands as a signal of surrender, “I get it, you and Kaneki need to spend sometime alone. No need to tell me twice.”
She winked at me then, and Hide groaned even as a bright blush flooded my cheeks, creeping crimson down my neck. “It isn’t like that, mum!”
“I’m sure it isn’t,” She reached across the table to pat his unoccupied hand in a consolatory gesture, “I’m sure. Now you boys best not stay up too late, you hear me?”
We both nodded, though Hide did mutter under his breath, “I’m eighteen, it’s not like you can technically stop me.”
It was later, and he was humming some nonsense tune, headphones on as he nodded along absentmindedly, eyes half closed. He always seemed so different at times like these, times when his boundless energy was tied down and contained into this small, vibrating form, knees tucked up to his chest as he played at making rainbows on my back, hands leaving a trail of warmth behind where my pyjama top had ridden up.
“Hide?” I rolled over so his hand slid to my stomach instead, drawing teasing lines across my ribs.
He shifted the headphones so one ear was exposed and glanced down at me expectedly, humming ceasing to exist as he waited for me to continue.
“Let’s say we do move in together,” I continued a conversation we’d been having on and off for the last three weeks, finally ready to put more thought into it, “When we leave school.”
“You finally coming ‘round to that?” He grinned, straightening out his legs and shifting so he was laying facing me, music forgotten.
“Just let’s say we do,” I shook my head, fringe falling into my eyes, “What then? How would that work?”
“Well...” He dragged out the word, letting it roll off his tongue like a slur, “I’d cook you breakfast every morning and greet you with a kiss every day when you got home. We’d have our own rooms but I’ll crawl into your bed when I get lonely so we can cuddle. You’ll get used to my singing in the shower and I’ll get used to your unhealthy eating habits and, well I don’t know... it’d be just us, you know? Doing what we always do together.”
“That sounds nice,” and his smile in that moment could have saved a dying star, or crushed it, “Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.”
“Yeah, maybe,” He nudged my chin with his nose, “You’re taking the entrance exams to Kamii, aren’t you?” I hummed my assent so he continued, “So am I.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“Like, actually really?”
“Really, truly, really,” He grinned, nudging me again, “So we could get a place close to campus and everything.”
“I’d really like that,” I was smiling as I tucked my head under his chin, cuddling into his chest in the way that he was prompting for with the nudges, and though the dig of his earphones was mildly uncomfortable I was too unwilling to move and too tired to care all that much, “Like, actually really and everything.”
He snorted. “Get some sleep, Ken.”
I woke up with a warm weight settled on my hips and the cool slide of something wet on my cheek, pooling stickiness by my head and neck.
“Hide, what are you doing?” I say it without opening my eyes, refusing to humour him with my annoyed glare.
He laughed anyway, as though he had achieved whatever he had set out for, “Practicing my calligraphy.”
I did open my eyes then, just as he wiped another streak down my chin, balancing the brush carefully between the fingers of one hand whilst using the other to support his weight, fingers splayed against the cool skin of my bare stomach, top having bunched up around my ribs during the night.
He’d obviously been up for a while, hair slightly damp and curling against his forehead from a shower, eyes sparkling in the dim light streaming through the window.
I wasn’t the only thing stained in ink, black fingers creeping across the sheets beneath the overturned pot that sat on the edge of the bed. “Your mother won’t be happy. Ink is a difficult stain to remove.” I’m still half groggy from sleep, stuck somewhere between feeling lucky that my hair is already black and annoyed at how sticky everything now was.
That soon changed when he leant down, breathing words into my ear as though he didn’t know the meaning of sin, “Dear mama’s out visiting and won’t be back for hours, Ken.”
And like that I was spinning out of control along with the situation, his teeth grazing my skin as he pulled back, grin wicked because he knew the effect he had on me. Knew how much I wanted him, had always wanted him. Hell, maybe that was all I ever wanted, just him. Hide in his entirety, with nothing to hold us back.
When he next spoke he was practically sighing each syllable, fingernails dragging as he shifted his hips up and then back down, grinding against me, “I’m going to make love to you on these ink stained sheets, and then we can be like the lovers in your poetry books. How’s that for romantic?”
“You’ve clearly never read one of my books in your life,” but I’m distracted, mind too focused on the fact that we had hours and he said make love and God, how he was touching me. We’ve done things like this before, but it was always rushed, trembling fingers finding purchase on skin in the dark and groping hands sliding under clothes.
Nothing quite like this though, nothing that made me wonder just what we were getting ourselves into like this did. Nothing that made me lose my mind quite like this did.
“It’s the thought that counts,” And damn, does he ever be quiet, still managing to sound petulant even as I’m pulling him down into a kiss, licking my way into his mouth and tangling my fingers through his hair.
There’s no words left then though, only half sighs and swallowed moans as we move against one another, the smooth glide of fingers twisting and the rough slide of skin against skin, him against me.
“You know, sometimes I think I’m in love with you,” the confession came unexpected, my hand jerking in his grip, his cheek smooth against the back of it as he turned to look at me. My ear was pressed uncomfortably against my shoulder, palms slightly sweaty and stomach overheating, still naked from earlier but not quite bothered anymore. “And other times I think I don’t even know what love is.”
And there it was, the words lingering in the air between us, thick and heavy and right, because we don’t know what love is. This, whatever this is, isn’t some storybook fantasy that you hear about as children, or some daring romance out set to change the world. It’s real and human, problematic and difficult.
We’re all that too, and more. I could look at Hide, count all the ways he’s just like everyone else. The cheesy grins and the childish behaviour and the attention span that was all here, there and everywhere all at once. There were so many similarities between him and others that I could get lost in separating them, but then... but then I could look at him and he could be my whole world and I’d be completely fine with that. I’d look at him and see sunflowers and honey, whole planets orbiting around us and me falling, falling, falling... I could look at him and see stars, light and heat blinding and gravity all too strong. I could look at him and think that I would be completely okay if he was the one. The one that ended up destroying me, the one who ended it all, the one I would spend the rest of my life with.
“Kaneki, I... I think we need to name this thing that’s between us. If it has a name then maybe it won’t seem so... so...”
“Terrifying?” I offered when he trailed off, lips downturned in a frown.
“You always were better with words,” a self depreciating laugh that hurts just to hear, nose nuzzling our joined hands as he sighed, “Go on then, tell me what we are, Ken. Find me the words that I can’t seem to string together.”
“You were doing a pretty good job,” I can’t help but defend him even as he puts himself down, squeezing his trembling fingers gently, oh so gently. Letting him know it was only me, letting him know he was safe and that I understood. “I don’t think even I have a word for this.”
“We should come up with one then,” he paused, nodding to himself, “Something that defines what we are, something that nobody but us will understand.”
“Can it already exist?”
“Why, what were you thinking?” Lost is the melancholy in light of this new game, his smile back and his shoulders relaxed.
“Aien Kien.”
“A mysterious, shared bond?” He raised an eyebrow, recognizing the phrase.
“Something that can’t be explained,” I nod, slightly distracted by the foot now running down my calf, cool skin causing goosebumps as I shivered from more than just the cold. “Something between two people that is completely incomprehensible.”
“It seems we have found our words,” he lifted his head, catching my chin with his nose as he breathed warm air across my ear, “Ken.”
I nudged his head back with my own, closing the distance between our lips without having to hear him say it. The kiss seals it, Aien Kien, and perhaps we don’t have to be so different from storybook fantasies after all. Maybe Hide can still be my prince, even though he’s rather unconventional and definitely too energetic. Maybe we can have our happily ever after in the end. Maybe...
It was hours later before we moved again, Hide rising to his feet, idly crossing his bedroom.
And maybe his body was just a little bit like a river in moments like those, lines flowing and muscles rippling smoothly under skin, movements swift and yet lingering at a touch, toes curling in carpet and a graceful arm rising up to the window latch. Maybe he was just a little bit like a river, completely untouchable in the fact that he was a volatile force of nature, raging forever intertwined with this flimsy mortal body. Maybe he was just a little but like a river in that the threat of drowning in him always lingered near, constant and needy and perhaps a little too heady.
Or maybe he wasn’t anything like a river at all, even in moments like those.
He leant out of the window he’d opened, chin tilted up to the sky, and when he looked back at me it was with a melancholy little smile, head tilted gently to one side. He was holding out his hand to me, water droplets clinging to his outstretched fingers.
“See, I told you it smelt like rain.”