Work Text:
“I might not even be here…”
The sun was cold. Jesper looked down at his shoes, at the fresh footprints etched in the snow. Klaus’s feet were at least a billion times larger; the thought made Jesper smile, at least a little. But a terrible, sinking feeling in his stomach– like a boat left to weather the elements because of its captain’s piss-poor judgement– sailed through his guts, then plummeted to his feet.
Even if Klaus agreed to do the whole “Christmas Thing”, what good would that do? Jesper had no doubt in his mind he would reach his goal.
And when he did…
He was frowning as he went inside, kicking the door shut behind him, listening to snow ‘fwump’ against the ground from the impact. He wanted to scream. Or throw things, or knock himself out, or–or any kind of– stupid, freaking–
“Hot cocoa, anyone?”
Klaus’s voice boomed across the room. Jesper could see him tinkering with a kettle, in his oddly gentle way.
“Uh, sure,” Jesper said. He shook his head. His coat felt heavier than usual as he slunk out of it. A million thoughts were racing through his mind; what was he going to do? Stay here, forever?
With a creepy woodsman?
Surrounded by crazy people?!
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on anything but his thoughts. The cabin’s warmth permeated his chest. It felt beautiful compared to the crass winds outside.
Jesper took note of the floorboards whining while Klaus maneuvered around the kitchen. Soft ‘clink’-s echoed out as he set water on the stove to boil. Or maybe milk? Jesper wasn’t sure. Personally, he preferred it with milk, but he trusted Klaus’s methods.
As gentle as a lamb, Jesper sat himself down in one of the squeaky, wooden chairs pushed in at a small table. He scooched himself in for good measure. He felt huge in the cramped space, like a giant spotlight was on him– like everyone was going to find out his big secret any time now.
As if it’s a bad thing, he thought, getting angry at himself again.
He scratched at the table as he thought. There was a little divot in the wood from where he had done this a hundred times before, digging into the wood, as if he were carving his signature. As if he needed to, considering there were signs of his presence all over the cabin: a coat hung up here, a pair of shoes kicked off over there, aforementioned scratches in the wood, dirty footprints, probably some hair, on and on and on.
He basically lived here when he wasn’t sleeping at the post office. It was warmer, anyways. Could he really leave this place? The thought made his stomach churn. He really… He liked Klaus.
Everyone’s out to get something.
“Jesper?”
Suddenly, Klaus was directly behind Jesper, towering above him and making him yelp.
“Good lor- Klaus!” Jesper coughed. “You can’t keep sneaking up on me like that!”
“Sorry,” Klaus said. He set a cup in front of Jesper with a delicate ‘tink’. His chair creaked as he sat down beside him. “You seemed deep in thought.”
Jesper took a deep breath, then smoothed his hair out in an attempt to center himself.
Focus.
“Nahhh, I was just uh,” he stammered, “like… Never mind.”
I sound so stupid, he thought. He peered down at the cup in front of him. Klaus had even adorned their drinks with a little bit of whipped cream and… Dear God, it even had chocolate shavings.
Jesper salivated. He felt slightly better as he lifted his drink to his mouth and took a tentative sip. Still very hot, but good. His tongue went a bit numb from the heat.
Was that cinnamon he tasted? And maybe even a sneaky hint of nutmeg?
Klaus hummed. There was some whipped cream stuck in his beard, though he didn’t seem to notice (or care). It drove Jesper crazy to look at. “Care to share your thoughts?”
“No,” Jesper said, a little too curtly, wincing at the sound of his own big voice in what felt like such a small, quiet room. It was almost too intimate how comfortable he had gotten with the place. This was his home away from home. He didn’t want to ruin it.
Klaus just shrugged. Jesper appreciated that about him; Klaus communicated so well with so few words. Jesper felt the spotlight on him dimming into nothingness. Even the small space between the two made Jesper feel calmer.
They let the silence age as they sipped their drinks. This was something that happened a lot– the silence, that is. A million words said with no mouth movement at all. It kind of killed Jesper inside. He wasn’t used to not filling a room with his own words. But next to Klaus, he didn’t feel the need to make himself look important.
He was beginning to realize he really wasn’t important at all.
“You know,” Klaus began, startling Jesper, “this is how Lydia always made it.”
“Made wh…” Jesper stared at Klaus, dumbly, before remembering he could still use his mouth. “Oh! Uh, it-it’s good!” He said, finally.
“Thank you,” Klaus said, chuckling all the while. “I will say, the nutmeg was my little twist on her recipe.”
Jesper stared at his cup. “It’s good,” he said, again, feeling like a dolt for repeating himself. “I mean, it’s... Heavenly?” He shook his head. “No, wait, let me think of a better word–”
“Heavenly is good,” Klaus said, grinning. His eyes were a bit sad, Jesper realized, though his smile seemed genuine. It reached those sad eyes, at least, which had to mean something.
“Okay,” Jesper said. Again, the silence.
As he sipped his drink, Jesper’s eyes grazed the room. There were lots of shelves, once full of toys, now emptied and sad-looking. He missed the chaos of the music boxes, tinker-toys, and all of Klaus’s other fun little inventions. Sometimes, he wished he had gotten toys like that when he was a child. All he got was… Well, pretty much whatever he wanted. But still. All those things felt empty.
Klaus made his toys with love.
Maybe he can make one for me?
Jesper felt blood shoot straight to his ears at that thought. He huffed and stared daggers at his drink.
Stupid Klaus with his stupid kindness and stupid toys and stupid everything, making Jesper feel like the biggest asshole on the planet just for wanting…
Well…
What did he want, anyway?
Jesper yelped as Klaus dropped a hand on his shoulder.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” Klaus’s voice was steady. “You didn’t change your mind, did you?” He gently shook Jesper, an attempt at friendly joshing.
“Wh– No! No, of course not,” Jesper said, laughing at Klaus’s playfulness. “Get your hands off me, you brute. I still want to,” he said, “I just…”
“You juuust…?” Klaus, still with his hand on Jesper’s shoulder, grinned wildly. “I think it’s a great idea. I know I was hesitant before,” he said, his grin faltering, “but I think it would be good for me. To, you know.”
“Yeah,” Jesper said. He felt his hand twitch, wanting to reach out and grab Klaus’s hand, to comfort him in some way.
Instead, they sat and stared at each other for what felt like forever, until Klaus removed his hand from Jesper’s shoulder, opting instead to cross his arms on the table.
Jesper, like an idiot, patted Klaus on the back. “I think it’d be good for you, too,” he said. “I think…” He prepared himself for what might be either a really terrible thing to say, or a really profound thing. “I think she would be proud of you.”
And Klaus looked at him, and thank the lord above, he didn’t look angry, or sad, or any kind of negative emotion. Instead, Klaus grinned, again, which he seemed to love to do around Jesper, a nice contrast to his usual stoic demeanor. “Thank you,” Klaus said, and he really seemed to mean it.
“Of course,” Jesper said. He stopped awkwardly patting Klaus and picked up his drink. There was a faint ring on the table where some of the drink’s spillage had leaked under the cup, soaking into the wood and leaving what he hoped would be another permanent sign of his being there. He swallowed, then cleared his throat. Before he could even think, the question was spilling out of his mouth: “What was she like?”
And once again, Klaus didn’t look angry with him for asking another stupid question. Jesper smiled, gently, an attempt to make his question look genuine.
Klaus took a gulp of air, then started to laugh. “What was she like? That’s like asking what the first day of Spring is like to a fawn.” Klaus sighed away the rest of his laugh. He looked fondly at Jesper. “She was beautiful. So, so beautiful.” Jesper thought he could see tears forming. “She was funny, too. Kind of like you,” Klaus said, smiling, nudging Jesper.
Jesper’s mouth opened a bit, but Klaus continued. “And like you, she was stubborn. A real fighter, she was.” He wiped at his eyes. “She fought the whole time, to the very, very end. I don’t think the world was ready for her to leave.”
Jesper drummed his fingers against his cup, staring hard at the table.
“I think…” Jesper began, trying his damnedest to choose his words carefully, “I think she would be really happy for you.”
“You think so?” Klaus chuckled. There was that smile. “Why, because I’ve got a mailman pushing me around?”
“I–Pushing you around?!” Jesper shoved Klaus, an action that had little impact. “I couldn’t push you if I tried!”
Klaus just shook his head. “Well, you did something, I’ll say that.”
“What?” Jesper shoved him again, harder, with little effect. “What’d I do, huh? Grace you with my presence? Help you out of a deep, dark hole?” He wiggled his fingers in Klaus’s face. “Like a little boy trapped in a well?”
“Are you calling yourself a dog?” Klaus asked, laughing, the whipped cream in his beard bobbing along with each breath.
Jesper paused. “...Wait, no! Nonono, I take it back. You’re like a–”
“Can you bark?”
Jesper punched Klaus on the arm. Not an actual punch, mind you; more like some kind of weak person’s feeble attempt at squashing a bug. “No, jackass, I will not bark.”
“Okay! Okay,” Klaus said. “You’re not a dog.”
“Uh-huh.”
“But you sure do act like one.”
“Now what is that supposed to mean?!” Jesper shouted, trying again, in his own futile way, to shove or punch or otherwise inflict gentle harm on Klaus.
Klaus laughed, loudly. “It means you’re a good man, Jesper.” He took a sip from his drink. “I was going to say you were a good boy, but you’re far too old for that.”
“I am not. Old,” Jesper said, huffing. He mirrored Klaus, taking a sip from his own drink. Warmth spread through his chest. His feelings of dread were forgotten. But now he just felt… Confused?
“You think I’m good?” He asked, staring at his drink.
“Uh, well…” Klaus tilted his head. “Of course I do. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness.” He smirked. “Well, that might be an exaggeration. Point still stands.”
Jesper stayed quiet. This wasn’t right. He was doing something cruel. Leading all these people on, leading Klaus on, like they were all toys in Jesper’s pathetic little game.
Jesper cleared his throat. Whatever.
“Thanks,” Jesper said.
They finished their drinks in silence.
Klaus slowly stood to stretch, then picked up their cups and set them on a counter, to be washed later.
“Jesper,” he said, holding his hand out.
“Uh,” Jesper looked at Klaus’s hand, “...yes?”
“I have something to show you,” Klaus said, reaching for Jesper’s hand and grasping it with a gentleness you wouldn’t expect from someone of his stature.
“O-oh, okay.” Jesper’s mouth twisted into some kind of bewildered half-grin as Klaus pulled him out of his seat and led him to one of the work tables.
On the table was a mysterious lump hidden under a piece of cloth.
Jesper stared at it, then looked at Klaus, confused. “What am I looking at.”
“Lift it up,” Klaus said, nudging Jesper’s back.
Jesper furrowed his brows, but obliged, lifting the cloth to reveal… A present.
The little gift was wrapped with red paper and tied with a white ribbon. The bow was elaborate; it looked like someone had taken a lot of time making the gift look nice.
Jesper felt a bob in his throat as he swallowed. “You got me a gift?”
Klaus nodded, the most excited Jesper had seen him yet. “Open it, already!”
Jesper laughed. He could feel his face getting red. “Okay, okay! Hold your horses, big guy.” He took a deep breath. His fingers were shaky as he oh-so-carefully pulled at one end of the bow, watching the elaborate knot unfurl. He hesitated, picking up the present and trying to peel the wrapping paper off without ripping it, as he usually would.
“It’s not a bomb, Jesper,” Klaus said, impatient. He felt a pang of admiration, watching Jesper treat his present like a delicate flower.
Jesper huffed. “I don’t want to ruin it,” he said, trying to will himself not to start crying.
After what felt like a million years of agonizing gift-unwrapping, Jesper revealed the box that was hiding under the wrapping paper; the box fell open, and what was left was…
Jesper gasped.
“Do you like it?” Klaus asked, ruffling Jesper’s hair.
“Yes! I mean–” Jesper coughed, suddenly self-conscious of his volume for once, “–it’s, yes, I…” He faltered. “I love it.”
On the table, obviously made with the utmost amount of tender love and care, sat a little figure of a sleigh, with what looked to be tiny versions of Jesper and Klaus sitting at the reins, complete with a team of tiny reindeer.
Jesper carefully picked it up, admiring all the little details, like the reins being made of string, and his (handsome) figure having a removable hat.
He giggled; he couldn’t help himself. A strong, giddy feeling was bubbling inside of him as he marveled at the toy. A toy made specifically for him, of all people.
“Klaus,” he said, still giggling like a child, “this might be the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
Klaus smiled, a gentle tug at the lips that made him look younger. “I’m glad you like it. Took me, I dunno, a couple days?”
“DAYS?” Jesper yelled, exasperated. “You spent DAYS making something for ME?”
“Uh…” Klaus chuckled, nervous, and maybe even a bit self-conscious. “I mean, I could have done it in a night, but I had to hide it from you.”
Gears whirred inside Jesper’s head; then, suddenly, it clicked.
“Ohhh…” He said, finally understanding. He grinned. “Because I’m always around, right? So you had to wait for me to leave you alone.”
Klaus laughed. “Something like that, yes.”
“Well, thanks, really. I mean it.” Jesper kept smiling as he poked and prodded at his new toy. “Now I gotta get you something, huh?”
“You don’t have to,” Klaus said, leaning down to meet Jesper’s level, making eye contact like it was no big deal and resting his hand on the table. “You could always shovel the yard.”
“HA! In this weather?” Jesper turned to meet Klaus’s gaze. His mouth hurt from smiling. “Maybe if you make me a billion of these, I’ll consider it.”
Klaus mused over this for a moment. “Alright,” he said, smiling so wide his eyes creased at the corners.
They stayed like that for a moment, staring at each other, inches away from the other’s face, breathing the same air, as if they didn’t do that all the time, anyways, in the sleigh, barely a foot apart and reveling in each other’s warmth.
And maybe it could work, Jesper thought, the whole being-trapped-here deal, sleeping in a cabin in the woods and making toys for children and seeing all the smiling, happy faces around town, never wanting anything more…
And that close, Klaus looked kind of handsome, Jesper mused, staring at that bit of whipped cream that’s been bothering him trapped on Klaus’s upper lip. Jesper, without really thinking about it, took his thumb and swiped it across the whipped cream, glancing at it before licking it off himself.
Klaus’s mouth slowly fell agape.
Jesper, after a brief moment of what must have been benign hysteria, felt something click in his brain.
“Uh,” he laughed nervously, “you had something stuck. In your beard,” he said, suddenly feeling cornered, realizing just how close they were to each other, and how large of a presence Klaus had, what with his strapping arms and… Wide stance.
Klaus raised an eyebrow, then decided to smile, albeit a wavering one. “Thanks,” he said, pulling away and walking over to wash their dirty cups.
Jesper felt a little disappointed as Klaus pulled away; there was something else he wanted to do, wanting to take advantage of that closeness and–
“Hey,” he said, tentatively.
Klaus didn’t turn to face him, his attention drawn to the dishes he was scrubbing. “Yes?”
Jesper walked over to Klaus, placing a hand between his shoulder blades. He could feel Klaus stiffen. There was a sick, nervous feeling in his heart, and he didn’t know why. He took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Depends on what it is,” Klaus said, smirking as he wiped the cups with a rag and set them down to dry. He leaned against the counter.
Jesper slid his hand to Klaus’s side. “What would you do if…” Jesper drummed his fingers, feeling Klaus tense at the contact. “If I,” his voice weakened, “left, before the year ends?”
Klaus furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”
“I just–”
“Do you not like it here?” Klaus brushed a stray strand of hair out of Jesper’s face. “I mean, I don’t blame you, but–”
“I do!” Jesper yelped, feeling his face redden at the gesture. “I do, I love–” he stopped himself. “I… It’s great. Working with you, it’s great. It really is.” He lifted his hand off Klaus’s side, timidly drawing it toward himself, staring at his palm. “I want to stay here.”
“Then stay,” Klaus said, confused. “I don’t see what the problem is.”
Jesper closed his eyes. He couldn’t tell him. There was no way.
Klaus slowly cupped Jesper’s face in his hand. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. Jesper leaned into it instinctively, resting his hand on Klaus’s.
“You can tell me,” Klaus said, brushing his thumb over Jesper’s cheek.
Jesper sniffed. Was he crying? “You’d hate me.”
“Hate you?” Klaus moved his hand down to lift Jesper’s chin. “Why would I ever hate you?”
“Because!” Jesper could feel anxiety welling in his chest. He was restless, suddenly, wanting to do something absolutely crazy, looking at stupid Klaus with his stupid beautiful eyes and stupid lovely hair and stupid whipped cream still in his beard and–
Klaus leaned down to Jesper’s level, closing the distance between them even more. “Because isn’t a reason.”
Jesper’s mouth was dry. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“I think I would,” Klaus said, leaning his face closer to Jesper’s.
Jesper looked directly into Klaus’s eyes, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world for what he realized he wanted. He didn’t want to go home. Not anymore.
“Klaus,” he said, “I–”
And then Klaus kissed him– not abruptly, but gently– still with his hand on Jesper’s chin, lifting Jesper’s face toward his own, struggling to meet his height.
Jesper’s eyes shot open. He ripped himself away from Klaus, feeling a sort of dread well up inside him.
And there was Klaus, staring at Jesper, looking like a stunned deer, and Jesper couldn’t read his expression, if there was even one on his face, because everything was a blur, and nothing felt right.
“Klaus,” Jesper said, carefully.
“Jesper–”
“Do you really…” Jesper swallowed. It hurt. “I’m not–”
“No, of course you aren’t–”
“No no, I mean I am, that, I’m, like, I like–”
“Right–”
“But I’m not a good–” Jesper breathed in, stuttering. “I’m not good. For you.” His voice cracked. “I wouldn’t be good.”
“That’s not true,” Klaus said, his voice desperate. He breathed in, deeply. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… Done that.”
“No, it’s fine, I liked–” Jesper cut himself off, then groaned, scrubbing a hand through his hair, staring hard at their feet. “I liked it. I like you.” He squeaked this out, barely audible. “I really like you. And being here,” he lifted his head and gestured around the room, even doing a dramatic little spin around to really emphasize his point. “Being here has been so, so great. Really, just stellar.”
“You sound sarcastic.”
“I’m not being sarcastic,” Jesper laughed, so full of nerves he felt like exploding. Exploding would probably be better than whatever was happening at that moment, he thought, briefly. “I mean it, Klaus, I do.”
Klaus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said, “for being so forward. In the moment…” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry.”
Jesper opened his mouth, but no words came out. So instead, he stepped up to Klaus, so their toes were touching, and looked up, eyes a bit teary and strained, maybe even a little red, just as he imagined his face must’ve been.
And Klaus, his face truly red with embarrassment, stared down at Jesper, too nervous to move, too humiliated to speak.
And Jesper, in an attempt to show that he was telling the honest-to-God truth, grabbed the collar of Klaus’s shirt and slowly, slowly, tugged him down to his level, and– despite everything in him feeling like it was on fire– pulled him into another kiss.
There was no movement of the lips, the both of them too afraid and too unsure of the moment, too worried about the other, as if one wrong move would make the other scurry off and never come back.
Instead, they stood there, awkwardly, lips gently pressed together, like two high schoolers with no experience in anything, as if the idea of kissing was brand new to both of them.
In Jesper’s mind, he figured this was kind of new to him; he had never been with anyone in his life, much less kissed someone. If he was being honest, he hadn’t thought about being with anyone, in general, and girls never interested him much, and he figured that must mean he was broken in some sad, pathetic way. Because to him, a crush meant being ashamed of himself, for thinking one of his classmates was unbelievably handsome, and wondering what the hell that meant, and wondering why he couldn’t be more normal.
And for Klaus to feel this way about Jesper, in any capacity, well, the thought made Jesper sweaty. Being around Klaus all day every day for the past however-many weeks made him confused, and scared, and happy, all in one big, beautiful lump. Or something like that.
And anyways, what did it matter if it felt weird? Because in that moment, everything felt good, not weird; maybe a little uncertain, but certainly that had to be normal, right?
To be uncertain?
They stayed frozen for what felt like forever. Klaus was the first to pull away; his eyes had been closed, and he opened them slowly, feeling fear bubble in his gut.
Jesper also opened his eyes, which he felt was a mistake, because the look of Klaus’s face felt like a blow to the stomach, because wow, he’s handsome when he’s nervous.
After an awkward staring contest, Jesper was the first to break the silence, uttering a soft “wow”, practically throwing the word out of his mouth.
Thankfully, that was enough to make Klaus smile, then laugh. Then, he hugged Jesper, engulfing him in his arms, tightly.
Jesper, despite feeling like the wind was knocked out of him, managed to hug Klaus back.
“You’re really something, Jesper,” Klaus muttered, his smile permeating his words.
Jesper snorted at that. “You’re really something too,” he said, “whatever that means.”
They chuckled together, then pulled away, Klaus resting his hands on Jesper’s shoulders and Jesper too stunned to know what to do with his hands, choosing to let them hang lamely at his sides.
Klaus sighed. “So… Now that that’s over,” he looked around the room, “shall we begin planning?”
“I was thinking maybe lunch,” Jesper said, grinning. “All that emotion has me hungry.”
Klaus made a noise of agreement.
Nothing more was said.