Work Text:
“Computer.”
“Working.”
“Computer, locate Mister Spock.”
“Mister Spock is in his quarters.”
“Is he still awake?”
“Affirmative. Air displacement and temperature indicate wakefulness and limited movement.”
“I see. I wonder if he can’t sleep either.”
. . .
"Computer, record the following voice message to be sent to Mr. Spock on my command."
"Ready."
. . .
"Ready."
“No, too immediate. Let's try this. Computer, abort and delete voice message. Record the following on this microtape. Lock tape, to be opened only by Mister Spock and myself.”
“Ready.”
__________
Spock, I could ask you to report to me for this conversation, but I’m betting that speaking via microtape will give both of us more time to consider our responses without feeling pressured by the presence of the other. Yes, we could use the ship's computer to simply send audio messages. But I like the thought of delivering our taped voices to each other in person.
If you prefer to talk to me face to face instead, I would welcome that, of course. Because I want to venture into the personal realm, I have the sense that you’d be more comfortable dictating your thoughts rather than speaking them to me directly. Or, I don’t know. Maybe I’m talking about myself.
I'm going to stop here. I'll give this desk to you tomorrow in the mess hall or on the bridge. Which by now you already know, since you're listening to this.
__________
Captain, a conversation with you is always agreeable. Your idea to conduct it with no visual component offers intriguing possibilities. The delay between our transfers of the tape would create further nuance.
You say that the subject is of a personal nature. Would you care to elucidate?
__________
I’m glad you’re amenable to an alternate form of communication. To me, the pause would be like waiting for a letter from home because of the delay of subpace. I also think you and I might express ourselves differently using this method than we would in person. And something else. On Earth we’ve known for a long time that the language we’re first exposed to affects and even shapes the brain and therefore our perspective, how we experience our world. For a short time, we believed that growing up bilingual or multilingual was damaging to a child, as though there were room for only one language, and learning two or more would mean learning each imperfectly. Ultimately, we understood that the plasticity of a growing brain allows for uncomplicated, almost unlimited learning and therefore widens our ability and our perspective.
I’ve been reading more about Earth linguistic history. Words that exist in one language may not exist in another, particularly if a culture has no need for the concept. A very old and much-used example, back when Earth was divided by region and country, would be the Inuit dialects whose vocabularies included various words for different forms of snow and ice, whereas cultures living in tropical or desert climates had no need for even one. Unlike English, for example, the Inuit dialects had separate word roots for “falling snow,” “fallen snow,” and “snow on the ground.” Other linguistic differences might be gender categorizations or perceptions of time. My point is that you and I are distinct not only because we’re separate people with unique experiences but because our languages have shaped how we understand our own awareness and observations. I’m curious about how using spoken language only, without gestures or facial expressions or other physical cues, might bring out our linguistic differences more strongly. If we notice at all.
You asked about the topic. Since we’re trying this new (for us) style of communication, I think there’s some irony in telling you that the subject I want to talk to you about is communication itself. Our communication, specifically.
Spock, twice now I’ve found myself interacting with people from your personal life I was previously unaware of, namely T’Pring and your parents. I know that Vulcans place great importance on their privacy, and, as you so often say, you are a Vulcan. I value our work together and our chess games, through which you have become my steadfast first officer and my close friend. I wonder if there’s another way we can learn about each other, particularly the important people and events in our lives, past and present.
__________
Jim, are you disappointed in me?
I acknowledge that both of those situations put you at a disadvantage. In the first case, I believe I was not wholly responsible. Had I not entered my Time, you never would have learned of pon farr or T’Pring. Once I understood what was occurring, I could no more inform you than I could control the urge to vomit when I attempted to eat or quell the need to lash out in anger when anyone attempted to speak to me. If you remember, I told you that Vulcans do not speak of pon farr even among ourselves. You were exceedingly understanding that day you came to my quarters. I never thanked you for all you did after our interaction. Furthermore, I have never been able to confront the events that unfolded on Vulcan, much less assess them with you.
As for my parents, I can only say that I expected you to have read the roster of the complement on the shuttle that delivered them. My personnel file clearly states that, in the case of my death, my parents are to be notified. Their full names are specified. I acknowledge that I was surprised by your ignorance of the identity of the ambassador and his wife, given that you are usually thorough in your preparation for our missions. Jim, it was never my intention to embarrass you in front of them.
__________
No, I’m not disappointed in you, Spock. I would say frustrated. And a little discouraged. I don’t know that either of those situations would have turned out differently if I had grasped the circumstances better beforehand. I do understand why you never told me about pon farr. But the fact that you had a fiancée? Spock, you never thought that might be important for me to know, if not as your commanding officer, then as your friend?
I can already hear you correcting me about “fiancée,” but I don’t know what else to call T’Pring. Your intended? Maybe someday you’ll tell me the Vulcan word.
I admit that during our voyage to Babel I was foolish not to realize right away that the Vulcan and Human couple standing in front of me were your parents. To be honest, because I expected to meet only Vulcans, I didn’t see your mother’s Human characteristics right away. Her dress was properly elaborate, with its distinctive high collar, and her styled hair hid her ears. She conducted herself like a Vulcan of her status as she stood beside Sarek. Despite her affable demeanor, it wasn’t until you identified them that it all fell into place.
__________
You were not foolish, Jim. You are one of the most intelligent beings I know. You have an uncanny ability to imagine, even anticipate, situations never before encountered. You once called it luck; I call it inspiration. It is a quality I lack, as I learned during my attempt at leadership aboard the Galileo.
I do not know what more I can tell you about my life previous to our acquaintance. I learned early that divulging personal information is not required or even appropriate until it becomes necessary. It is unlikely that my effort to “fill in” the areas of my life about which you know nothing would serve any useful purpose. Nor am I convinced that such a report is what I would desire from you. They would be facts, with no connection to the friendship that you and I share. I doubt that is what you are seeking.
__________
Spock. I want to know more about you. Don’t you realize that? I want to know anything about you, everything about you. Partly because of the two occasions I pointed out, but not entirely. You and I are an extraordinary team, able to communicate without words and easily coordinate our actions. That ability to tune into each other extends into our personal relationship. You’ve become unusually important to me. Recently, however, I’ve begun to feel that we’ve arrived at a plateau in our friendship. I’d like it to deepen.
But if you find telling stories about your life irrelevant, let me suggest another possibility.
A list of lists. In other words, we could each make a list of categories from our lives that cover a particular subject that holds significance for us. Each category would be the heading for a list of explanations--instances or people or thoughts--that fall under that topic. If either of us wants to ask about one of those lists, we can see how that conversation develops. An example of a list might be: “Admirals I have no respect for.” That’s not the most revealing list because it only includes names. A better one might be: “Why I lost respect for certain Starfleet admirals.”
I suggest, if you’re amenable, that we each come up with as many categories of lists as quickly as we can. Whatever pops into our minds. Don’t judge, don’t censor. Then we can choose which we want to reveal to each other. What do you say?
__________
The activity you are suggesting is a kind of game, not unlike chess, is it not? I accept, Jim.
Allow me to offer my own example, to be certain that I understand. A possible entry for my list of lists could be: “Reasons I left a place or posting.”
What is the deadline for this exercise?
__________
There is no deadline, Spock. In that way, too, it’s like a chess match. The difference is that we’re not trying to outsmart each other or win. There is no winning. We’re trying to be more open with each other, more generous in sharing what’s important to us.
And yes, your example of a category is perfect. If you’d decided on: “Reasons I went to a place or took a posting,” those reasons would be easier to guess and less interesting.
I’ll begin my list after I give you this microtape at the end of our bridge shift.
__________
I have finished my list of lists, Jim. Initially, the exercise was quite difficult. My mind balked at both its personal nature and the unconventional train of thought it required. However, in the end I found it rewarding.
I wonder what your current experience has been, as I presume you have taken part in this pastime before. Are you producing the same categories, or does it make a difference that I am the one with whom you are engaging? Does the fact that we are, in addition, limiting this interaction to message tapes have a different effect than if we were making written lists or speaking about our lists in person? Could we have played this particular kind of game entirely in person? Fascinating.
__________
I’ve never made a list of lists before. Maybe I heard about it somewhere, but I thought I came up with the idea on my own. In any case, I agree that each time would be different because the categories would be influenced by the person you’re interacting with.
I’m glad I’ve piqued your interest, Spock. It can be fun to try out different means of communication.
__________
I am not indulging your desire for “fun,” Jim. However, there is an element of enjoyment involved.
What was the first category you thought of?
I will offer you mine. You will likely be surprised, as I was. Yet I could not dismiss it, because you had asked me not to censor myself.
"Humans I have...cared for and never told." Coupled with the reasons why.
__________
Funny. Mine is: "People I’ve said 'I love you' to and meant it."
My list is short. What about yours? You told me once that you had never told your mother you loved her. I imagine that she said it to you more than once when you were growing up. It was obvious to me on our way to Babel that she loved you very much. Are there others you haven’t said it to?
I mean, maybe, because you didn’t want them to know.
Is Leila Kalomi on the list? Just curious.
__________
There are others. To be precise, there is one.
I did reveal to Leila Kalomi on Omicron Ceti III that I loved her. Yet, I am certain now that I was not telling the truth. Perhaps I did experience some elements of that emotion in the moment. I felt a great surge of exhilaration, and she was the person with whom I could express it.
After you rescued me from the spores’ thrall, it was important to say goodbye to Leila privately. I didn’t blame her for what had occurred. She, too, had been under the influence of the spores, after all. Also, we had shared an experience together which left me with some affection for her. However, what I felt for her, in reality, was never love. I know that now.
. . .
Are you inclined to reveal the second topic on your list of lists?
__________
Thank you, Spock, for telling me a little about your encounter with Leila on that planet. I didn’t want to ask. I thought I should be less affected by the sight of the two of you together. I mean, you’ve certainly seen me with more than my fair share of beautiful women. I suppose I had never considered you as someone who wanted to be in any kind of relationship. That kind of relationship. I was afraid… I was afraid I would lose you to her. As my first officer, I mean. As my friend, as well.
You invited me to join you down on the planet, but I couldn’t even think about it, her taking the place of first in your life.
"Ideas I had to beat the Kobayashi Maru test." That’s what I have second on my list. I came up with a few possibilities. I’ll tell you sometime, if you like.
__________
Jim, it is highly improbable that we will find ourselves in a situation similar to that on Omicron Ceti III again, therefore the likelihood of my becoming derelict in my duties is almost nil. I would calculate the odds at 0.574 percent. Therefore, you have no need to give it more consideration. As to our own relationship, I would like you to know that I am no longer ashamed to call you my friend. Indeed, I am honored that you consider me your close friend. As I do you.
The second item on my list also concerns Starfleet. "Experiences of true discovery while exploring space on the Enterprise that have created awe in me."
I will add that the word for friendship, in the Human sense, does not exist in the Vulcan language.
I say “Vulcan,” not “my language,” to remind you that I myself grew up bilingual. Vulcans, too, have for centuries understood the advantages that the plasticity of a child’s evolving mind creates.
__________
I apologize, Spock. I played back our tape. You’re understandably offended by my earlier insinuation that Earth was or is the foremost authority on sociolinguistics. I meant only to give an example. My ethnocentricity is showing.
The fourth list in my list—I’m skipping number three for now—is: "Vulcan words I know." I’ve learned a few phrases, too. Mostly from T’Pau, but not from you. I wonder why that is. I assume you’ve never spoken Vulcan around me because there’s no one else on the ship to speak it with. That must be lonely.
__________
Jim, you of all people should know by now that Vulcans do not feel offence. I did, however, experience mild irritation.
I will follow your precedent to reveal my fourth list as well. This category is not one I am eager to discuss, but it was one of the first to occur to me. "Instances in which I was unable to maintain my psychic shields."
Besides the incident with Leila, you have been present for a number of them. I include the unendurable pain caused by the parasitic invaders on Deneva, my mind meld with Nomad and even with the Horta, and the effects of the virus on Psi 2000.
I do not include my pon farr, nor do I consider mind linking with psychologically disturbed beings such as Dr. Van Gelder to be violations of my psychic integrity.
Then there are the instances you are unaware of.
__________
Can we talk about them? I can’t imagine the mental suffering that kind of breach must cause. I mean that, Spock. If you can share some of what you experienced with me, or even show me through a mind meld, I want to understand. I want to know more about your Vulcan side. You understand so much about us Humans. About me, at least. But I don't know other Vulcans. I've seen you try to hide that side of yourself so that we don’t judge you as “too alien.” I hate it when someone reacts to you like that.
. . .
But you were able to withstand the Klingons’ mind sifter on Organia, and you were the only one of the men unaffected by the three women Mudd brought aboard the Enterprise. How do you classify the ways that your internal shields have been broken down? Where is the line crossed? At viruses, drugs, parasites, failed mind melds, aliens taking over your body, invasive machines? Does a virus count, but your own physiology going haywire doesn’t? Is it only when you’re unable to keep an outside entity from influencing your mind?
__________
Your questions are quite perceptive, Jim. In order to explain, I would need to speak with you, face to face. I would not be surprised if you convinced me to consider a different perspective on the matter.
Jim, addressing the computer in my quarters is becoming more of a hindrance than a help. Now that we have opened new pathways in our discourse, I find there is much more I wish to say to you, to ask you, to discuss.
__________
Yes, for me, too. Although I do enjoy handing off our tape to each other on the bridge as though we’re doing something clandestine. As though we’re old-style double agents or illicit lovers.
I’m sorry, Spock, that just came out. I know there are limits to what I can share with you, or even say to you, but I don’t always know what they are. I keep wanting to push against the boundaries you put up. You’ve always been astonishingly agreeable in allowing me to.
__________
Our current conversation is no more clandestine than speaking during a chess match in your quarters. What we wish to say in both cases is private. However, I do share your gratification when we exchange a tape in front of the bridge crew, knowing that they assume we’re providing data one or the other of us requires. The secretive nature of our recordings does transform the character of our interactions. It invites more…intimacy.
__________
Intimacy? That’s not a word I associate with you, Spock. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use it before. Are you sure it’s what you mean?
__________
Please, Jim, there is no need to insult me. I always mean what I say, whether aloud, in writing, or otherwise.
__________
Vulcans never lie, is that it, Spock? With that in mind, I’ll share the third item on my list. "Times I ran after my brother and he turned me away."
I think I’ve given you the impression that Sam and I were devoted to each other. After his death, when we found his body, you tried to acknowledge my loss. I cut you off, needing to focus instead on finding the cause. I want you to know that I was aware of the kindness you extended to me, and I know you would have continued to if I had asked.
We weren’t close, Sam and I, when I was little. I worshipped him. He could do no wrong. I was always following in his footsteps, trying to catch up with him. Maybe my drive has more to do with trying to show him I could compete than with any ambition to command. But he didn’t want me around. He had his own friends, his own goals.
What started as roughhousing turned into Sam beating me up. Especially when we lived on Tarsus IV. I guess he took out his rage and helplessness on me. Finally, he went away to school, and then I did, and after that we were rarely in the same room together. I toughened up, and he became less ruthless. By the time of his death, we had reached a truce.
On Deneva, I stifled any loss I felt, knowing I could unpack it later, after the crisis was over. Because my brother and his wife were already dead, there was nothing I could do for them. That’s how we roll in Starfleet. My duty, as captain, was to my nephew, whose life was in danger, and to any other inhabitants on Deneva who might still be alive.
Did my feelings about the deaths influence the desperation I felt when you were attacked? It’s likely. I had just lost the last of my family of origin. I couldn’t face the possibility of losing my dearest friend, one of my chosen family. You are like a brother to me, Spock.
The truth is that I haven’t grieved the loss of my brother’s life at all. I’m too afraid for yours.
__________
“Computer.”
“Working.”
“Computer, unlock this message tape.”
"Voice command of James T. Kirk, captain of USS Enterprise, verified. Completed."
“For what reason, Jim?”
“I want to delete it. It served its purpose.”
“You will not delete it. I wish to keep it.”
“Spock, are you going sentimental on me?”
“Never. I simply require proof of the commencement of our new status. Computer, relock microtape. Only the Captain and I may open it.”
“Completed.”
“Have I told you how much I love you?”
“Hardly. I expect you will take the rest of our lives together to tell me, my t’hy’la.”
“Your what?”
“The Vulcan word for friend. And brother. And lover.”
“And lover. My love.”
“My only love.”
“My true love.”
. . .
“What was the next category on your list, Spock?”
“Rumors I heard about Jim before I met him, and why they are untrue.”
“I don’t believe you.”
. . .
“All right, all right, I believe you.”
. . .
“Stop smiling like that.”
“I’m happy, Jim.”