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"are you even listening to me?" his voice, deep as always, spoke to me.
i flinched. taken out of my thoughts so suddenly.
"yeah, go on." i murmur, a meaningless response as my next actions are to do anything else rather than pay attention to whatever he's telling me.
i've never paid too much attention to him.
i mean, yes. he's my best friend. i know his birthday. his worries. his family. i- i do pay attention to him.
but i never paid attention to.. the way he is.. towards me.
he's always been like this, i think. yet i've never noticed.
he always has this soft look in his gaze. when he looks at me i love the kind of light that goes through his dark, dark brown eyes.
when he speaks to me he shifts his tone. it's not as rough as his thick vocal cords make him sound. he's.. in a way, more delicate when talking to me.
he also uses weird hand gestures. he touches my chest and arms when he laughs. i can feel his warmth each time - and it makes me smile a little. more than what i would like to admit.
"yunho, seriously, i don't know what's up with you." he cups my head, my long face with his large hands. i blink, clueless, my eyes on his.
"what?" i tilt my head to the right slightly, genuinely confused.
"geez, quit the puppy act." he looks away with a faint blush. i always thought he blushed when he got annoyed. but lately i noticed it's precisely when i act dumb.
"we should go buy something to eat. im hungry." i straighten my back on my seat. he sighs.
"sure, yun." that nickname.
he used it for the first time in middle school. i feel in love with the way he said it. well— not fall in love as in fall in love. just— it's cute. he's cute.
"what do you want?" he leans in against the glass of the snacks machine. i, once again, find myself a bit confused. time goes by too fast, and i get so caught up on my thoughts that i don't notice it.
"uh- whatever you want." i reply automatically. he stares at me for a long second. then turns to the machine.
"you're paying." he bluntly says and i take out my wallet. "okay now that's odd." he grabs me by my shoulders and pushes my body against the machine. my back hits the glass softly. "you always deny paying. what's wrong with you?" he confronts me.
what's wrong with me?
nothing. it's really nothing.
im just.. a bit more observant than usually.
is that too weird?
"it's nothing." i answer with a flat face expression, weirdly neutral for me,
"bullshit." he's not using his sweet tone. he's.. as rough as he's with anyone else. "is it about the girl that asked for your number last week?"
who?
son..sonhyeon?
what was her name again?
"who?" i frown.
"ugh, yunho, you're impossible." he lets go of my shoulders and i caress the muscles he pressed on.
"you're letting her get into your head."
"mingi— who are you even talking about?" i bark back. he knows i hate it when people talk about stuff i obviously don't know of, assuming i do.
"sunyeon!"
oh, that's her name.
"she- she asked for your number last week and you've been distracted ever since that!" he stutters in between words, exasperated. that's confusing.
"why do you care so much about her?" i question with a curious tone. "i barely talked to her."
jealousy.
somewhere inside my mind, that word lighted up.
mingi? jealous?
why would he be?
i'm his best friend. what could he be jealous of? a girl flirting with me? he wouldn't.
"i don't know! you're— you're too hard to read lately!" he runs his fingers through his hair, and i stare for a few moments.
i decide to play my luck.
"are you jealous?" i ask, calmer. examing his expressions, the way his mouth opens to say something but nothing comes out.
"m-me? jealous? why— why on earth would I? there's no way i could be jealous of that— that stupid, pretty, feminine... fucking... perfect girl..." and it clicks. he's way too obvious.
"you are actually jealous." i scoff. he just groans, in defeat. "why?" he looks away, taking one step backwards. i would never leave him for a girlfriend, and he knows that - we've talked about it before.
"it's just..." he exhales. "you wouldn't get it, yunho." he gazes at anywhere but my eyes. not get it?
"min, just tell me." i take a slow, small step closer. he looks briefly to my eyes before dragging his gaze to our shoes. "maybe i'll understand."
he stays silent for a while. i wait for him - i know he sometimes needs his time, and i love to know i make him feel like he can be comfortable in silence as he considers his words and--
"i like you."
simplicity.
straightforwardness.
deepness.
yet compendious.
mingi was always quite laconic.
"you like me?"
i felt like a kid. like children confessing to each other in the backyard of kindergarten, thinking your first love is your eternal love. innocent. pure.
"i like you." he repeats.
and it doesn't really- it doesn't.. it's weird. but it's not. it confuses me.
i can feel my heart beat faster.
i can feel my cheeks tighten in a shy smile, burning up with a slight blush.
snap out of it, yunho, say something to him.
"i-" i swear i try to. but if i force it i'll end up saying nonsense. my throat feels dry. my hands melt in cold sweat.
why am i like this?
his soft touch on my jawline takes me out of this confusing self talk.
"yun." he smiles at me softly. a gauzy smile - i can see his insecureness, and his hope.
i've known him all my life. he knows me more than my own family. and i know him more than i know myself. it has always been him. always him by my side.
he's.. he's my everything.
"i like you too." I don't even have to think about it. it's something I've never considered before, it never crossed my mind.
but now that i think of it, all that i look for in a partner... mingi has it.
he's my best friend. he knows me and i know him. my parents love him, his love me. fuck, i've even met his grandparents and cousins and went to family dinners.
he's a part of me.
and i don't think i could love any girl - let alone any person - more than him.
"i like you too." i say once again, and i can tell by the way his eyes shine, this time he believes me. "i don't know since when, but i do." he shakes his head as a no as he lets out a mix of a sigh and nervous chuckle.
"can i- uhm.." he looks up. i see the blush in his cheeks. mingi, you're too obvious, too cute for your own good.
it makes me smile.
and i cup his head, one hand on his jaw and the other one at the back of his neck. our eyes lock, and i feel fireworks on my chest. my heart is on fire, and i can feel his hands trembling. i slowly lean in. he tilts his head slightly to the left, and so do i.
it happens as if we were made for doing this.
our lips meet silently in a brief, uncertain press, like both of us are waiting to see if it’s real.
his breath catches, and i feel it tremble against my mouth.
the world gets quiet in a way that makes my pulse sound too loud. i close my eyes and let the thoughts go — everything and everyone, gone for a second. just this. just... us. he exhales against my skin, and the warmth makes me shiver. his hand is still on my jaw, thumb moving like he’s trying to memorize me.
i don’t move at first. i just feel him — the shake in his fingers, the taste of the mint gum he had eaten in class, the faint sound of the vending machine humming behind me.
it’s not perfect. it’s nervous and uneven and a little too real.
but it’s him.
so it is perfect. for me, it is.
when he finally pulls back, the air feels dense, thick. his forehead rests against mine, and we stay like that, catching our breaths and processing whatever that had just happened
his laugh comes out low and a bit shaky. "you’re blushing," he murmurs, of course mingi would be unable to stop teasing me even after this.
but i am. i can feel the heat all over my face.
i smile anyway, and it shifts to a little smirk.
"you too."
silence again, and as always, it's comfortable.
"you're paying anyway." his hands slide off my jaw as he takes a step back.
"i'm not paying, mingi." i roll my eyes and stand at his side, turning to look at the machine. my left arm goes over his shoulder. "another one that you owe me." he sighs and presses the buttons he always clicks. 3 for me - a pack of coca-cola gummies. and 9 for mingi. of course it's a bag of shrimp crackers.
i giggle as we walk off.
"one day i'll make it up to you." i playfully push him and he grins at me while shaking in a jokingly disapproval.
this time, i can't tell if it's his normal grin or if it's different. either way, i smile back.
i always thought love was another thing. i thought i was supposed to feel it loud. like a rush of blood, some kind of lighting storm, i don't know - something so impossible to control that throws you off your hinges.
but it's not. at least not mine. mine is.. mingi.
its the way we lay our heads against each other's. the way he says my nickname. the way our hands sometimes brush. the silence between us. the laughter, the jokes.. the connection.
i guess that's my type of love — mingi.
and i couldn't be more happy to know that it's him.