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“You really should’ve been there. It was hilarious!” Tommy states, and receives a loud laugh from Adam as response.
“I bet! I should’ve been there for real! Lucas’s probably never going to get drunk ever again! Well shit. What was so important again that I had to miss it?” But Adam knows. Sauli was, because Sauli always is.
“Sauli’s sisters visited.”
“Right. That was fun too!”
“Not as much, I’m sure.”
“Shut up! I –” Adam’s phone rings and vibrates in his pocket to make sure he never misses a call. He still does most of the times, though. “I regret nothing.” Adam smirks while pressing the green phone button without watching who’s calling in the first place.
“Speak up, dear friend”, Adam jokes into his phone, knowing that only his closest friends and crew members have the number to this phone.
“I love you”, he hears a soft, but very familiar, voice say. “I love you, Adam.”
“Hey baby.” Automatically Adam’s voice softens too. “Wait a minute, I’m just getting to my room.” He puts the card where it should and pushes open the door. “See you later, Tommy! Downstairs at ten, right?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Okay, see you then”, he still manages to make clear before shutting the door for real and walking to the bed, laying himself on it, eyes closed.
“How are you doing, baby? Shouldn’t you be asleep already? I suck at time differences, but I’m sure It’s already night in LA right now.”
“I miss you.”
And that’s an answer Adam hadn’t seen coming. At least not as a reply to his questions. “Are you okay? You sound so sad.”
“I really miss you.”
“I miss you too, honey, but I’m almost coming home.”
“Four more days is not what I would call almost. That’s still all those nights without you. The bed is so cold, and the pillow on your side now smells like me.”
“Oh, so I’ll fall asleep to that when I come home. Now I’m looking forward to it even more.” Adam tries to keep the conversation easy going and light, trying not to give in to the feeling in the pit of his stomach and the sad undertone in Sauli’s voice.
“I’m going to wash them. We’ll have clean sheets by the time you come home.”
“Only so we’ll have to change them again after all the sex we’re going to have?”
“Yes. At least we’ll have sex in clean sheets.” Sauli’s trying too, but the thought of Adam in his bed, where he should be right at this moment too, is almost too much. He forces the wetness out of his eyes and takes a deep breath.
“They won’t be clean for long.”
It’s getting so much harder to breathe. To think, to forget about everything Sauli wants right now but can’t have. Adam’s arms around him, Adam’s lips against his cheek and chin and nose and lips. The sweet words that would sound like heaven in his ears, knowing that it’s not just Adam speaking, but also Adam’s heart. Especially Adam’s heart.
But Sauli tries desperately to not let Adam notice, which he – of course – fails in miserably.
“Honey, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong, I’m just tired.” Adam wonders why Sauli doesn’t want to tell, because he always tells. But Sauli feels like he can’t tell, because it’s never been this bad before and he doesn’t want to scare Adam away. That’s exactly what Sauli feels he would do if he shared his thoughts with the other person in this conversation – his boyfriend. “I’m just tired.” He mumbles a second time.
“Bullshit. I’ve got some free time, so we can talk. Actually, I was going to call you the minute I got to my room and lay down on the bed. You got me first, though.”
“You had me at ‘hello’”, Sauli answers cheesily.
“Don’t drown, baby”, Adam laughs but Sauli doesn’t get it.
“Why were you going to call me?”
“To talk to you? Sauli, honestly, you’re starting to freak me out. What’s up? Did something happen?”
“I really love you.”
“Sauli”, Adam starts, not knowing how to control all the emotions going through his entire body. “Did you cheat? Are you br-”
“No! No no no no! No!” Sauli panics. Shit, Sauli thinks, this is not how he planned this conversation to go. He thought he’d call Adam, tell him he loves him, so Adam would say it back and he could calm down again. But the only thing Sauli noticed since the beginning is that Adam hasn’t said he loves him back yet. And then he can’t stop the wetness. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Adam, even if they can’t see each other, so he pulls the phone away from his ear in the middle of Adam’s answer and ends the conversation without saying one more word.
It isn’t until Adam hears the beeping tone that he realizes that Sauli is no longer on the other side of the phone. He stares at the phone dumbstruck, not knowing what is wrong with his boyfriend, nor how to fix it. They are miles and hours apart, and there’s no way in hell that Adam can escape his busy schedule and go back to LA to make sure his boyfriend is still there waiting for him to come home. He wants – needs – Sauli to be home when he gets home. He needs the familiar feeling of his boyfriend’s arms around, Sauli’s head laying softly on his shoulder while his favorite pair of lips leave kisses on his bare shoulder.
“Shit.” He dials Sauli’s number but only hears a recorded voice from voicemail. “Fucking hell, Sauli, pick up!” Adam’s heart is racing. The hard beating is hurting his ribs, but not as much as his aching heart at this moment.
But then his phone rings again, and if it weren’t for the vibrating, he would’ve never even noticed the ringing.
Sauli
“Honey, don’t hang up on me. Now tell me -”
“I love you.”
“What’s wrong.” Adam frowns, getting more worried with every second passing by.
“When are you coming home?”
“On Thursday.” Adam says, even though he knows Sauli knows all the details. Hell, he probably knows better than Adam does. “Will you pick me up, or do I have to ask Lane to get me a car?”
“I can pick you up if you want to.”
“I’d love that.” Adam makes sure Sauli hears the honesty in his voice, because he can’t think of anything else to do to reassure Sauli from whatever thoughts he’s having.
“Okay.”
Awkward silence, and if Adam thought he couldn’t get more nervous, he was wrong.
“How was your day?”
“It was okay. Yours?”
“It’s going well. I’ve got some free hours now. Going to catch up on some sleep before meeting the band downstairs.”
“At ten downstairs, I heard. You’re going out?”
“We are, to this really cool and fancy club. I think it’s a bit too much, but Tommy said it would be fun. I wish you were here to go with us.”
“You do?” Sauli turns even colder.
“What? Of course I do!” Sauli sounds so beaten, like there’s no energy left, and Adam doesn’t know what to do. He’s never seen or heard Sauli like this before.
“I do too”, it then sounds, but it’s so silent Adam almost missed it.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Can you sing me that song?”
“You’re not making any sense today, honey”, Adam states, and if he weren’t so concerned about his love, he would’ve probably laughed at Sauli’s silliness.
“The one you covered. I just love you.”
“You’re listening to my covers?”
“It’s beautiful.”
“It’s a beautiful song.”
“Sing it to me, please. I need to hear your voice.”
“I said darling it’s late, is everything okay? Silence took over the room. ‘Till she said: ‘I – I just love you. I don’t know why, I just do. When are you coming home?’ – ‘I’m coming home soon. And I – I just love you too.’”
And then Adam can hear the soft sobbing through the phone and it makes his heart break. It’s tough, he thinks, him being in Australia and Sauli being back in Los Angeles – a time difference of eighteen fucking hours in between.
“Hey baby, talk to me.” Adam whispers – almost sounding desperate. But maybe he is, Adam thinks. “Do you have your laptop near you?” And Sauli’s on it. He crosses the bedroom and grabs the laptop from the desk before walking back to the bed that feels way too big without Adam in it. And Adam does the same, taking the laptop from the bedside table he left in on this morning and puts life to it.
It takes them five minutes to finally look at each other’s face, and that’s when Sauli breaks down for real. The soft sobbing turns into heart-shattering crying, but his eyes never leave Adam’s face on the screen. And Adam can only stare, tears forming in his eyes too, and wishing there was some way to fix this. But he knows he can’t hold Sauli like his boyfriend needs him to right now. He can’t kiss him, hug him and just hold him close. Adam knows that’s exactly what Sauli needs the moment he saw the look in his boyfriend’s eyes, but there’s nothing he can do. Not without disappointing hundreds of people.
“Honey”, Adam finally manages to say. “It’s okay. I’ll be back home before you know and I won’t let go of you. I’ll have my arms around you for a week straight, okay?”
And with that comment he gets a little smile from Sauli’s face. Adam desperately wants Sauli’s eyes to smile at him again, but he’s okay with baby steps at this moment.
“I’m sorry”, Sauli’s broken voice sounds before he’s breathing in deep to calm down. Adam only watches at how his boyfriend is trying to stop crying, to stop panicking and feeling so damn lonely.
“Don’t be. You really are tired, baby. What time is it back home anyway?”
He said home, Sauli thinks, while Adam wonders why there’s another small smile painting Sauli’s face. It almost reaches Sauli’s eyes, but they’re not quite there yet. “2:37 AM”, is the answer Adam gets.
“Oh honey, go to sleep and I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” Sauli nods and keeps his eyes on his boyfriend’s face lighting up his laptop screen. “Okay. Good night, baby.” Adam blows a kiss, remembering how good it feels when he kisses Sauli’s lips. Sauli sets the laptop on his side of the bed and lays down on Adam’s side, his head turned to the screen, eyes almost completely closed.
“Can you”, Sauli starts, “can you stay? I just –” Sauli feels so lonely. “I just love you”, he whispers and has to close his eyes to prevent himself from crying again.
“I’ll stay”, Adam answers and Sauli opens his eyes again and they just look at each other. Sauli smiles a thank you. “And hey baby.” Sauli just wants to close his eyes again so sleep can take over when he hears the words he wants to hear so badly. “I just love you too. Sleep tight.”
It doesn’t take Sauli long to finally fall asleep. Because now he remembers again – he’s always with Adam. On his computer screen, in his thoughts and in his heart.