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“Sir, why do you have a Halloween decoration on your car?”
“What on earth are you going on about, Barbara? Why would there be a Halloween decoration on the Bristol?”
“Why? Because there’s a spider the size of a new-born baby guarding the driver’s side door.”
“Don’t be ridicul… bloody hell!”
“I told you.”
“It can’t be real.”
“Well, you’re going to be the one to find out. Spiders and I don’t mix, remember.”
“We are NOT burning the Bristol.”
“If it gets any closer, I’m burning down the police station and half the street!”
“Don’t overreact, Barbara.”
“I’m not overreacting, Sir… and that spider… it’s looking at you.”
“It does not look at people, Barbara. It’s a spider.”
“That’s exactly what something with too many eyes DOES, Sir.”
Tommy leaned in and stared. The spider shifted, all eight legs flexing like a bodybuilder admiring himself in a mirror.
“Well?” Barbara called from a safe twenty feet away. “Is it real?”
“Oh it’s real,” Tommy said, stepping back sharply. “And it’s… bold.”
“Bold? Sir, that thing has territorial rights. It’s claimed the Bristol as its holiday home.”
He shot her a glare. “You are not helping.”
“I’m not the one negotiating with Shelob’s cousin!”
Tommy exhaled. “Alright. We need a container.”
“A container? What, a shipping crate?”
“A box, Barbara!”
“I don’t have a box big enough to house a baby-sized arachnid!”
Before Tommy could reply, a drunken giggle drifted from inside the car.
“Did that spider just giggle at you, Sir?”
“Don’t be ridicul...”
“If you call me ridiculous one more time, I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be nice, and you won’t enjoy it!”
Tommy opened his mouth to respond, when another giggle rose from the back seat. This time it sounded human-ish.
Barbara’s eyes widened.
“Sir. The spider isn’t alone.”
"I worked that out for myself, thank you Havers!"
A slurred voice chimed from inside the Bristol, “wherever we go, Geoff goes… hic!”
“Geoff?” Tommy snapped. “And who’s this we?”
A head popped up from the back seat, eyes glassy, grin lopsided.
“I’m Elfie, mythical muse extraordinaire. Who else would tame Geoff? Beast loves me.”
Tommy froze.
“Barbara… why is there a drunk named Elfie in my Bristol?”
“Probably because you don’t lock it, Sir. I keep telling you, it doesn’t have central locking, but you still keep sticking the key in just the driver’s door lock, giving it a quick turn, then walking away!”
“That still doesn’t explain how one mythical, drunken muse and a spider come bouncer are in my car!”
A second head appeared over the dashboard, hair standing on end like she’d styled it in a wind tunnel.
“Eris,” she announced grandly. “Mythical muse and Geoff-wrangler at your service. And technically, Geoff’s on your car, not in it.”
Barbara snorted. “Make that two mythical, drunken muses, Sir.”
“Tommy!” Eris beamed. “Me and my sister Elfie are borrowing your car. Don’t freak out.”
“I AM ALREADY FREAKING OUT!”
Elfie slumped dramatically, face planting into the leather of the Bristol's back seat, while muttering, “you signed a permission slip…”
“I DID NO SUCH THING!”
Eris grinned wickedly. “You might want to negotiate that with Geoff. He’s very protective, even more so when we’re drunk; which, if I'm honest, is most of the time.”
The giant spider lowered itself another inch, staring at him with silent, unnerving judgement.
Barbara whispered, “Sir… I think Geoff outranks you.”
Tommy closed his eyes. “And I think I need an exorcist.”