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okay finally drunk now. Face warm, mind nice and fuzzy. Mmmm. I like fuzzy.
Sadly, this will not be a fuzzy sotry, but if we're lucky, it'll be a FUNNY owne.
When Ron Weasley finally left Hogwarts he took a little bit of time off, gettign drunk on his own time h(YAY FIREWHISKSY) and thinking about his goals. and aobut how he'd never really been able to measure up to harr. WEll, except for heigh and cock length—harry and ron were ach proportional to their heights, you know, so since harry had bene such a malnorueishged twat as a kid, he was short and so was his cock. Molly WEasley had fed ron really really well, so byt hte tiem he was 20 he was almost as big a sa half-giant, whith proportional cock.
So talk of coks sis out of the way. We'll see if we can gtet this baby to pron befor ethe end of gh e story.
fuck. where idd i put my botteloe of cider? i can say that because at leeast three of us are drinking this shit this motnhth. So yaya anonoymity!
Yay, i foudn the bottle, and yay for meta.
Anyway. So Ron was thinking about al lthe ways he had never measured up to Harryd, and he was raeally pissed off at those damn leprechauns from the Quidditch World cup back in 1994. He was really narked off that he had lost the bet, but had welched on it by paying in Leprechaun gold. (He didn't care tha t "welchign" was an ethinic slur; his mum had been welsh after all).(at least nin myhead caonon.)
Ron decided that he needed to goe to the damn leprechauens sand demand satisfaction. Ys. bcause of course, he was foolish enough to think that the leprechauns actullya owed him somehting, just because he had had it in his handsand then not,and it was their fault. So fo course they owed him.
Ron was a bit stupie that way.
He wnent to George first to learn how to find the leprechauens. Except George wasn't at his shop; Ron didnt know where hse was, but he htought maybe he should ask Seamus instead. Since Seamus is a mick and all.
A little Drunk, (because how can the charcaters not be drunk when the author ist toatsteseed?) Ron threw floo powerder into the fireplace and called out "Seamus's house, whereever he's living!"
And somehowe that woekd, becuase this is fansfciection and it doens't need to follow canon entirely.
Seamus did not want to give up the secrets of the leprechauns. "Mate, I don't know where they, are! " he shouted, a bit annoyed that ron had shon up just as he and dean were getting ready to fuck. Because Ron can be a great cockblocker (note him showing up again in the forest before Hermione and Hearry had managed to get it on—stupid cockblocking ron!).
"I need to fined the leprechauns!" Ron repeated. It was important.
"Get out of here, already!" seamus shouted again, wishing he'd thorught to lock and ard his floo. Really. Ron was annoyingly inconvenient and persistent at that . Boo.
Finally it was Dean whose blue balls won. "Seamus. Tell him. "
Seamus sighed. "I dont know anything other than theat you need to follow the rainbow. To the pot of gold, right? But it;ll be the crap laprachaun;s gold so you'll need to follwo the March Wind from there."
"Follow the march wind, " Ron said. "Ta, mate!" and he flooed back out.
He decide that he needed to go to Ireland, because there were probably no leprechauns in Otery st catchpole (god that sounds dirty) even if it was the wet season. SO he left, took the ferry to Belfast whcih was irish even though it was part of hte UK, and even though Seamus would never let him consider it properly british, so there must be leprechauns there, right?
Seems they'd flown the coop, though. By the time Ron found a rainbow wiht a proper pot of gold at the end of it, he'd travelled all the way to Donegal.
The gold was pretty. Real pretty. Ron was tempted to run his hands thorugh it, feel so much money in his hadns, cherish it for a moment, but no, that's not what Seamus has said to do: ROn is supposed to follow the March wind.
There was an odd, sulfuric odor permeating the glen where Ron'd landed. Almost like...farts.
And then he heard, like a far off trumpet, the sound of breaking wind.
Oh no.
"THAT CAN'T BE WAHT HE MEANT BY MARCH WIND" ROn shouted in his mind. He knew better than to say things that might offend magical creatures. He rememberd how Buckbeak had tunreded on Malfoy back in te day, after alll.
Griameacing, Ron followed the sound and the stench of the wind.
In the middle of a stand of trees was a little man, seeming more like a footstool than anything, since he was squatting, arms on his kenww knees and arse in the air. He had a nice, green-tartan-coloured bottom.
He farted, and then stood at attention, saluted the patch of shamrocks in front of him, and marched firmly toward another patch, beyond the moss0veered rocks.
"March wind," Ron muttered aloud.
"Darn tootin!" Said the leprechaun, turning around and glaring. "And I suppsoe there's something ye be wantin', isn't there?"
Actually," shaid Ron, "i'm not so sure anymore."
Gpd, leprechauns were truly vile creatures. This one looked like he hadn't seen any Irish Spirng in a decade.
"Well, bugger off, then," siad the leprechaun, "Unless yu'd prefer to bugger me." (woot, i did html and ni think it'd going to work!_)
"Do you need a good buggering?" Ron asked. Because, well, he wasn't attracted to the leprechaun (heaven forefend!) but hwe wasn't the type of bloke to turn down a good fuck, no matter how much Hermione waxed on abou his honour.
Theh leprechaun smirked at him. "Aye, lad, a nice buggerin' loosens up the March wind even more, ye know!"
Ron Wrinkled his face. "eugh." he said. "WEll, I can help you out with that anyway. But what's in it for me?"
The leprechaun's jaw dropped. "You think a nice bit of leprechaun arse isn't good enough for ye?" he said. "I'll have ye kow, i've the itghtests arse in Killybegs!"
Ron rolled his eyes. "we're not in Kilybegs," he said. "Notice the trees? Do you see the see from here?"
The leprechaun ust nsnorted. "Well, let me tell ye, laddie, this here is a lovely arse to bugger, and if ye don't want it, you don't need it!"
Ron shurgged. "it's just that I've always preferred fanny."
"Truly ye aren't expectin me to believe that, lkad."
"But I could certainly help you make your wind for a price, yeah?"
EEEEK! " screamded the leprechaun. "Yer after me lucky charms!"
Ron wanted to bang his head againgst the tree. "NO, you green menace! I'm after som egodl that won't disappaer!"
"ah but as they say, if you've looked where it isn't, you must look where it is."
"Is it up yoru bum??"
"COme and see, JOhnny."
Ron reddened and coughed. "Er, it's ron."
But hte leprechaun was taking down his trousers and showing his bum. Ron cas a lubrication charm, and went hunting.
The less said about that, the better.
Ron never learned where to find Leprechaun's gold that would not disappear. But he did find out that leprechauns tend to be size queens.
The end.