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"Haaah..."
Stretching his arms out, Fumi felt the tension in his shoulders relax slowly, released in the form of a few twitches in his arms. He cranes his neck and faces the mirror opposite him.
'All right, it's time to start soon.'
Despite the ongoing preparations for the winter performance, Fumi had been spending a decent amount of free time restructuring one of his family's dances into something else, something new and entertaining. He thinks it's going well, but it would be better for him to test it out while he has the chance. Dances in one's own mind can look completely different when put into practice, after all.
Also, it might be—just a little bit—more because he needed a distraction.
'Kisa's still stuck on Chicchi—no, rather, she's still stuck on deciding to act as a woman.'
While Fumi didn't know all the details, it would be safe to assume that expulsion would be the immediate consequence should Kisa's identity as a girl be exposed in Univeil.
It's hard not to imagine that, especially since Kisa's been recently acting as if she were on death's door.
'Perhaps for Kisa, being expelled from Univeil is akin to that of death.'
As much as he wants to help her, he shouldn't. Not because he can't do anything about it, but because this is a choice that can only be made by Kisa, and Kisa alone.
'She looks as if she'll disappear at any moment, even the rest of the class has noticed. But they're being considerate about it for her.'
Despite himself, he couldn't help but smile.
'Kisa, I hope you'll realize soon just how much everyone cares about you.'
Tension. Fear. Anxiety, all of it was bubbling under the surface like a sloppy science project about to go wrong. And what happens if it does? He supposes everyone was afraid to find out the answer.
'At times like this, the best way to shake off these worries is...to dance.'
Maybe he's weird for that.
Fumi throws his hand up into the air, casting a shadow over his face as the fluorescent shine descends on him like a spotlight.
"Dance it all off, until the sorrow melts away from your bones and body."
It's as if it were a command, an order for his body, because as the words leave his lips, it starts moving on its own. He's dancing.
He dances and dances and dances, and he doesn't stop. Fumi feels the taunting stress melt away with his movements, muscles stretched and pulled with each movement in a rhythm that could be mistaken for a song. Perhaps it is a song, a song played to his tune.
And it's familiar, the dance. It feels like he's back at home, tossing and twirling a fan in his hands as he mimicked the Takashina dances back when he was a child.
'But that's not enough.'
Soon, he switches it up. There's more liveliness to his movements, more energy. He's finally managed to incorporate all of his accumulated knowledge into creating something he's always wanted to. A dance that's not just "Takashina," but also "Univeil."
He wants to continue, but then, he feels a feverish heat press on him. That's when he remembers it clearly, how it always embraced everyone both intensely, yet gently, how this heat always seemed to ravish his figure as if wanting to take whatever he gave.
How his heart always secretly pounded whenever he felt it. Even now, it still does.
It's Kisa.
His body realizes it faster than his brain does—her gaze, that is. But Kisa's already calling out to him.
"Excuse me."
"Hm? Oh, Kisa, what, you came to see me?"
He throws out the question nonchalantly, but with a hint of curiosity, genuinely wondering if this was just another case where she's stumbled onto him practicing, or if she came here to seek him out specifically.
"Er, um..."
She's a little bit more flustered than he expected, perhaps caught off-guard by his acute observation as she unconsciously starts shuffling her feet. But her body language quickly changes into something else. She fixes her gaze on him and looks him in the eyes, as if asking:
"Do you know...that I'm a girl?"
It's almost worrying how much her thoughts show on her face.
'Well, even if I did know, now's not the time to admit that.'
But it's hard to keep pretending, to keep watching from the sidelines. Heck, it's probably the main reason why she never responds to him, no matter how many times he says "I like you."
Even though he means it, he means everything he says to her.
"Hey, Kisa."
"Oh! Yes?!"
"There's something I want you to see."
"What's that?"
He smiles and says, "One of my family's dances."
As he was dancing earlier, he realized that he could do with a different interpretation of the dance, just to widen his perspective. Plus, by showing her his dance...
'I want you to take it all. My color, my talent.'
If it's her, he'll gladly give it.
"Oh!"
And just like that, her face lights up with delight.
'...Heh.'
"I've been trying out all sorts of things. I wanted to hear your opinion."
"I see. Well, if that's really okay..."
"Yeah." He feels his lips curl a little higher. "Please."
✧
"Now..."
Soon, he throws himself into the dance with the same enticing tempo he'd started with, but unlike before, where he danced alone, he feels Kisa's gaze drink up the sight of him with a familiar intensity.
'That's it, that's right. Take it.'
The dance is an expression of a love story between a man and a woman. He looks to his right and furrows his brows in sadness, as if feeling guilt, only to coyly turn his head to the left in an expression he's familiar with. Well, he's a Takashina after all.
Even as he's changing it up.
Kisa's eyes light up as the mood of the dance changes; she's entertained, and he couldn't be happier about that.
'The anxiety in her eyes has disappeared a little, I'm glad.'
The dance goes on until the very end, and Kisa watches it all without taking her eyes off of him. On the inside, he feels proud of himself for being the one to capture her attention like this.
"...That's it, thanks for watching."
"That was great! Your dancing was incredible, Fumi!" Her eyes are practically sparkling like dotted stars as she approaches him unreservedly. "I'm sure your family will be happy to see it, too."
"Well...I'm actually going to be heading back home for the new year."
"...!"
"So, I was thinking of dancing it then. As a gift."
"I see." The look in her eyes softens. "It'll be exciting to have them watch."
'She looks relieved. Though I guess that's very much like her to care this much...'
She's always been there for him, after all. Kisa stood by his side as he took each new step towards this future he'd never thought would come true. It was as if the path he walked, the footsteps he'd left behind, were all gently traced along with her own feelings.
He thinks about his own family and shows off a crooked grin. "My dad and my brother are both picky about dancing once's all said and done, so I'm sure they'll tell me all the things I should be doing instead."
"But that way, you'll be able to create a dance as a family together."
Fumi's a little taken aback. "Yeah, that's true..."
He'd never really thought about it that way.
"...I feel like I'm finally able to face my family's dancing head-on now."
The burdens he once thought would be there no matter what didn't exist anymore.
'...Thank you, Kisa.'
"There are a bunch of things I want to do all of a sudden." New ideas, new compositions, all of it felt exciting to him. Wanting to somehow share that feeling with her, he says, "And it's all because of you. Thanks."
She shakes her head. Honestly, he can't tell if she's being humble or if she really doesn't believe it. "No, you're the one who's always helping me, Fumi."
He wants to laugh, so he does. "Hah, that's pretty cute of you to say."
"Ah, well..."
'She probably doesn't realize her ears are red right now. But I guess it's better if I don't point it out.' Fumi mused. It was like watching a skittish cat fluster in the arms of a human, wanting to escape. Not that he had any intention of letting her go right now, though.
There was also something he wanted to see.
"Hey, how about you try dancing a bit?"
"Your dance..." She tilts her head cutely in a way that makes his lips twitch again. "...just now?"
"Yup. I want to see what'll happen if you dance it."
"All right. Then, if you could remind me..."
✧
He slowly teaches her the movements and rhythm of the dance he'd created, and is thoroughly pleased to see how quickly she's learning everything.
She really did "absorb" what he showed her just now. Sure, there were still a few rough edges here and there, but he's sure she'll be able to perfect it with time.
'Time, huh...?'
Fumi wonders just how much they have left with each other.
Should Kisa choose to perfect her Chicchi—to act as a woman, there's a likely chance she'll be caught as a girl. But Fumi has faith in her, so much more faith than he'd ever thought he'd harbor for someone else. Still, he understands that his expectations for her may be too heavy.
But even if that hurdle was cleared, there was still his graduation.
'...It'll feel lonely, I guess.'
As Kisa throws a look to her left as the man in regret, he sees a possibility; that Fumi himself may very well become that same man.
'No good, I need to focus.'
Not wanting to let his thoughts get carried away, Fumi focused on instructing Kisa.
"Yeah, you have a good sense for this." The proud smile that rises to his face comes so naturally that he barely even notices it. "Next, change up how your legs are placed...and now you're the woman, facing to your left. You're surprised, catching the eye of the man..."
If he were a Takashina instructing another Takashina, he probably would've been more specific in his instructions. Simply put, to act "coy," but he would rather see Kisa's own interpretation of the dance than force her into a shape that doesn't fit her.
"Surprised..."
She whips her head around, mimicking his earlier movements, except not quite the same.
"Oh, wait! Do that one more time."
She does the same move again, slightly confused but receptive to his request. "Like...this?"
"Your mannerisms are so pure, they fit in nicely." They were completely different from his own. It had a clear and yet pronounced feel that made one starve for more. "So...that's how it looks, huh..."
He couldn't stop the gears from turning in his head, ready to churn out something new, and says, "Maybe I'll incorporate some of how you're doing it."
"But I think the coy way you look is nice, too," Kisa says, adding her own opinion.
"Haha, thanks for that."
'Is there a way to fit them both in somehow...?'
Maybe it was because he was too focused on the hypothetical version of the dance in his head—gears turning even faster with Kisa's input—that he didn't notice until the last second.
"Ah!"
And it feels as if his heart was put to a stop without warning, his own body moving before his mind could in response to her swaying figure.
"Kisa!"
He reaches his arms out towards her and—
— catches her just in time.
"That was close..."
He feels the weight of her body press against his arms, followed by the spread of human warmth across it.
'And dangerous.'
His heart is pounding in his ears. Was it out of surprise?
"I'm sorry. Thank you!"
Or was it something else?
"I wasn't able to hold the position very well..." She's rapidly firing things to say as she hangs between his arms. "I have to train more..."
'Her body is...stiffening up.'
It was as if all the softness she'd desperately tried to recreate—or rather, bring back—for Chicchi's sake was being erased.
"...Fumi?"
She's calling out to him. He should say something, but what? Just what can he say right now? His mind's racing too fast for him to keep up, and the delay costs him, his mouth moving before he realizes it.
"...You're thin."
The words that follow all trickle out of him like a dam about to burst, and he's got no way to hold back the cracks. She's confused. He knows he should let her go.
He doesn't.
"You're really so thin. But..."
'Oh, so that's what this is. Even right now, I... like this. Like holding you.'
In his arms, is her. It's Kisa. The girl he likes. And when he holds her, the difference between their physiques is made so apparently clear.
"I'm sure you wouldn't break if I held you in my arms."
'I'm sure that no matter what happens, you'll be able to march forward regardless of any challenge. So, is it okay if one day I could...?'
"Fumi..."
"Hey, Kisa...want me to make you into a woman?"
"...!"
'No good. No good. I need to get it back together.' Fumi reprimanded himself, all the while doing his best to calm his nerves and seal the cracked dam back up the best he could.
"There you go."
He pulls her up, and along with it, his usual attitude. Right now, his heart is still racing. If it weren't for the countless number of times he's spent masking the panic and nervousness within him whenever he stood onstage, he's sure he wouldn't be able to fool her right now.
"Fumi..."
Kisa looks at him, as if—again—asking him silently. About what happened just now, about whatever his words meant.
All he can do is smile.
"...You're stuck on how well you can act like a girl for Chicchi, right?"
As he continues the conversation, he feels her gaze scan him up and down as if she were trying to decipher some odd, complex code. Frankly, it felt flattering, though now probably wasn't the time for everything to unravel.
So, he covers it up by putting on a feint with the feeling that he's just committed some sort of crime. The thought of it cracks him up slightly. "I've been the Al Jeanne all this time. Just thought I could offer a bit of advice."
"Oh..." She's not entirely convinced, doubt and severe confusion swirling in her eyes as she nods her head anyway.
"But still, your Al Jeanne and mine are different..." If Fumi's Al Jeanne had the flavour of an enticing red, then Kisa's had a transparent beauty that made one want more. Or at least, that's his current view on things. "It might be best if I don't carelessly give you advice. Hah..."
'The only person that can truly bring Chicchi to life is Kisa after all, especially when they're so similar.'
He sighs, as if trying to calm down his rapid heartbeat. It helps, just a little. But Kisa's still in front of him, looking at him.
"...Sure is tough having to have to just sit back and watch."
They're looking into each other's eyes, both of their thoughts completely occupied with different worries. The only similarity was that they were both probably thinking about each other.
His heart's calmed down quite a bit now, thankfully. As if trying to shake off the tension in the air, he extends an invitation to her. "All right, I think I'll call it quits for the day and get something to eat. Come join me, Kisa."
He can see her push away her doubts for this moment. "Oh, sure."
It's always been like this. Him asking her out. Her accepting his invitations without missing a beat. Even right now, as her mind swirls with doubt.
He wonders what it would have been like if Kisa had been more guarded around him and refused all his invitations. Just thinking about it makes him feel lonelier than he expected, but Fumi tries his best not to let it show on his face.
Both of them prepare to leave. Grabbing his folded coat off the floor, his mind wanders.
'Well, that was bad for my heart.' Fumi thought, 'It'd be pretty uncool of me if I somehow slip up and show how flustered I get at times like these.'
But maybe he wants that. To be vulnerable, and have her accept that uncool side of him, too.
"...Hey, Kisa."
"Yes?"
She turns to him when he calls out to her, moving her entire body to face him as she does so. It's a masculine movement, a definite difference from the way she would only turn her head his way back when she first came to Univeil.
"I like you, you know."
'So stay here, please. I want you to keep dancing on this stage, and shine brighter than anyone else.'
'Brighter than even me.'
So that the light that she had opened before his eyes would keep shining forevermore. And that this way, the raging fire that burns within him will keep itself aflame.
"So, I'll look after you if anything happens."
He means everything he says to her, really.
"You aren't alone. Just..."
'I'm here. All of Quartz is here for you.'
"...Remember that."
He wonders if she will. It's not as if she hasn't asked for help at all. But all this time, her secret has acted as some sort of irremovable veil that has blocked her outstretched hand from anyone who waits on the other side.
'As for the winter performance, the only people that can "save" you are yourself and...him too, probably.'
They've finished tidying up the dance studio, and both of them leave the main building to head for Tamasaka Hills. At this time of the day, the school is quiet. The winter chill sweeps over them, and every breath Fumi takes pierces his lungs in a way that's both painful and gentle.
As they reach the school gate, he asks, "Do you have anything you'd like to eat in mind?"
"I'm fine with wherever you'd like to eat, Fumi-san."
"Ahahaha, then I guess I'd better pick a place with hefty meals. After all that dancing, I'm sure you must be hungry."
"W-well..." Kisa fiddles with the hem of her winter coat. As she speaks, her breath comes out in the form of a small, hazy fog. "I'm not that hungry..."
"Really? I could've sworn you're a big eater."
'At least, more than girls your age would eat.'
The unspoken sentence hangs inside their heads, rather than between them. Kisa's trying not to show it, but out of the corner of his eye, Fumi just barely spots her grip on her coat tightening, giving away her anxiety.
He feels a pang of guilt. It's one thing to know about her secret, but it's another thing to needlessly worry her with uncertain "what-ifs," instead of coming out to talk to her directly.
'Not yet. Not yet.'
He wants to reassure her properly. That no, he's not upset, nor does he feel betrayed by her lies.
But if he reveals everything to her right now, wouldn't that just take away the value of all the struggles she's gone through? From the very start—ever since he saw her at the auditions as the cherry blossoms bloomed—he'd resolved himself to simply stay the excited "spectator" that he is until the very end, and help her out whenever she needed it.
Fumi looks to his side to see Kisa's form embraced by sunset hues and the picturesque view of the city sprawling out behind her like a painting. He thinks it's beautiful, obviously, but more than that...
'It's as I thought. I can't stay a spectator forever.'
Maybe as Christmas comes, he may finally make a decision.
✧
"Hahah..."
The moment he got back to his dorm room, Fumi uncharacteristically slumped down onto his bed. It wasn't as if he was really exhausted, he just...
"...She must've been really afraid, huh?"
Back when he'd held her earlier, he could feel it. The fear of being found out as a girl, a fear so strong that it had become a part of her very own flesh and blood.
She probably didn't even realize at the time. How her own body was desperately, desperately trying to protect her identity, screaming, pleading for him not to notice anything. It froze up, corrected her posture, and unconsciously guided her figure to transform into something more of a "boy" than a "girl."
"..."
Fumi raises his hands and inspects his palm, the same one that held her earlier.
'She felt thin, thinner than how a guy should usually be, though I suppose Mitsu would be a good contender. Should anyone else hold her the way I did, would they notice?'
'Notice the tremble of fear in her body?'
He thinks about it, again and again. All sorts of musings and thoughts circle within his head like a haywire compass thrown into an unfamiliar environment. Actually, it's been like that for a while, ever since they left the dance studio. He thinks about the meal they shared earlier, and how the girls on the streets had called out to them as two undeniably good-looking "boys."
But he's fine, he thinks. He's still calm. Maybe.
'Even though she already has an inkling of how much I know...she was still afraid. Though, maybe it's something that's been ingrained in her, to the point she's stopped having conscious control over it.'
Fumi thinks it's frightening, not being able to consciously control your body the way you want to.
"..."
Even as he takes a bath, gets changed, and goes to bed, the thoughts keep on going.
They're all about her.
Fumi lets out a sigh.
"Kisa..."
Even with the blankets covering him, he still feels cold somehow.
'Everyone will be with you—their precious friend and ally—when the time comes, so all that's left is for you to trust yourself.'
'Dance on the Univeil stage with all you've got, and stay desperate until the very end. Because that's how you've always succeeded.'
He bids her goodnight in his heart, secretly.