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“Oh yeah, Mom? I’m into guys, so don’t expect any grandkids from me, okay?”
That was the moment that Masato’s world turned sideways, and nothing was ever the same again. His brother– both his brothers– liked guys. His mother wanted grandchildren. Masato preferred liked girls. Everything was fine.
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“I was getting fed up. He was way too short-tempered…Sorry for scaring you.”
In middle school, his world turned upside down, and nothing was ever the same again. His older brother’s face, blooming with blue, his lip split. An ex boyfriend who thought punches spoke louder than words. At that moment, Masato thought:Two guys being together is…scary.
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“Kagi-kun!”
In his second year of high school, everything changed. Hanzawa– he went by his last name at school– watched his usually serious best friend smile, bright as anything, and ruffle his roommate’s hair. Hanzawa raised a brow. Huh. Both decent people by themselves, but two beings that shined much bright together. Hirano and Kagiura. Well, that had a nice ring to it, he supposed.
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“Uh..Seems to me like you’re asking plenty.”
In his second year of high school, everything changed again. Hanzawa chuckled, looking at the defeated first year. Tashiro, his name was, with eyes as green as summer meadows and a front ponytail of hair brighter than the sun, which was the current topic of contention. The ping pong club captain had forbidden him from dyeing it, at least until he was able to beat him in a match–or even Hanzawa himself, when he became the new ping pong president after the current one graduated.Tashiro was blunt, to say the least. He wanted to slack off, he didn’t want to be dragged around to club meetings anymore. He said what he thought, and he didn’t say anything he didn’t mean. It was rather refreshing for Hanzawa, who leveraged fake smiles and bangs as a lifeline, a person who never really said what they truly felt. It would probably be better to let him go, but the club president had seen exactly what Hanzawa had as well.
Tashiro was…magnetic. He smiled, happy-go-lucky attitude and all, and people around him were drawn in, including Hanzawa. He would make an amazing next captain after Hanzawa graduated. At the thought of being unable to continue observing Tashiro’s eccentricities graduation, Hanzawa felt an odd sense of melancholy.
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“It was a fight, right Kagi-kun?”
At the start of Hanzawa’s third year, his world regressed, back to that moment in middle school all those years ago. A slap had resounded from Hirano and Kagiura’s room– too loud and too sudden to be mistaken as anything else. He had pounded at the door, asking to know what was happening. As the dorm head, this was his responsibility– but in the moment, it felt more like redemption.
When the two came out, smiling at each other as per usual and insisting it was only a fight, Hanzawa couldn’t help but be a tiny bit worried. Even so, it wasn’t his place to interfere. As long as it was just a fight, there was nothing to worry after.
Later, he would find out that Kagiura had suddenly kissed Hirano, who did not like physical affection without first being forewarned. On impulse, Hirano had shoved Kagiura away. Afterwards, they had a heartfelt conversation about their feelings on the matter–a conversation which would help them in their dating life thereafter.
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“Excellent! Then, shall we make it official, Tashiro-kun?”
At the end of Hanzawa’s third year, he couldn’t name the way his world changed, he could only sense that it had happened. His high school graduation was nearing. It was time to pass on the title of ping pong captain to Tashiro, but, as true to his nature as ever, Tashiro had started avoiding Hanzawa, probably thinking the post sounded too difficult and wanting to laze off.
Though he could’ve passed it to someone else, Hanzawa knew Tashiro would be the best person for the job. He was too earnest to truly give up on something if it was entrusted to him, and he could interact with people perfectly. And so, Hanzawa kept looking, despite how clearly Tashiro seemed to be avoiding him.
One day, it seemed, Tashiro changed his mind, sitting down next to Hanzawa and saying that he would be the next captain, albeit grudgingly. Looking at the bashful look on Tashiro’s face, Hanzawa laughed. Tashiro was just too amusing. And even Hanzawa–a person often mistaken for a sadist who kept every person at an arm’s distance–couldn’t help but to soften. It seemed Tashiro had been concerned about the amount of clubs Hanzawa was in, and had wanted to lighten the load and let him rest.
Hanzawa could only laugh, asking Tashiro whether he wanted to become captain right that moment. He didn’t say goodbye, because that wasn’t what it was. They would see each other again, when Hanzawa was visiting his old kouhais at school.
A few weeks later, a text on his phone made Hanzawa chuckle once more. Tashiro had simply asked how many piercings Hanzawa had, no preamble or explanation. Hanzawa texted back that it was a secret.
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“I wish you’d stop bringing every conversation around to romance!”
Hanzawa finally snapped. His brother couldn’t help but see every interaction he had with his friends as romantic, and he was tired. Miyano was just a junior– nothing more, and nothing less. And besides, Hanzawa was straight, he liked girls, and Miyano already had someone that he liked.
Miyano didn’t say it, but just about everyone knew. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not Miyano and Sasaki were going to get together, it was a matter of when. Those two…their love was so undiluted, like the miraculously clear water of the Niyodo River. If two guys were to be in love, Hanzawa supposed that was the way to go. Earnesty, honesty, communication, and patience.
So Hanzawa was not in love with Miyano. Hanzawa wasn’t gay. He liked girls. He just wanted to focus more on his friendships just then, and he’d wait to fall in love later. Or at least that’s what he claimed. His brothers were only so accepted by his parents because Masato could pass on the family name and have heirs, so it was good that Hanzawa was straight. Hanzawa ignored the flash of green eyes in his memories. It couldn’t didn’t mean anything significant.
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“I’d still like to have a bit more fun, myself!”
Coming back from a karaoke night with his college friends, Hanzawa could only blink seeing Tashiro and two of his other underclassmen crouching near a building, tailing Sasaki and Miyano on their date. Well, that wouldn’t do. Hanzawa couldn’t let them disturb the happy couple now, could he? It was time to act as a distraction!
Tashiro had his hair in a bandana today, and Hanzawa thought it looked nice. Tashiro was taller than him now, surprisingly. It had been a while since they last talked, hadn’t it? They had a lot to catch up on. Going from store to store, he and Tashiro stayed close, talking about nothing in particular.
Tashiro, remembering the piercing question from earlier, decided to count them for himself, starting, then losing his place and starting over. Hanzawa couldn’t help but laugh–yes, he had missed this.
Eventually, the four ended up going to a restaurant, where Hanzawa was able to see Ogasawara of all people hanging out with Sasaki and Miyano. In the middle of their date.
Hanzawa ended up dragging Ogasawara away as well. Though he knew the older brother was no good, being his older brother’s abusive ex, he had no idea that Ogasawara himself was so dense as to not realize that Sasaki and Miyano desired alone time. In other words: Ogasawara needed to stop third wheeling.
Given how large their group had gotten, it was deemed implausible for them to continue following the happy couple without notice, but Hanzawa didn’t want it to end yet. He wanted to stay there, at least a little longer, hanging out with his friends.
Tashiro smiled back at him, and Hanzawa’s stomach gave a frightening lurch. Tashiro, he decided, was not aware of the effect that he had on him people.
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“Hanzawa-senpai…It’s time to settle this!”
During his first year of college, everything changed again–and Hanzawa didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. It was the annual school festival, and Hanzawa had felt obligated to check out how his old kouhais were doing. At the ping pong club activity, he was getting just a bit carried away. On a winning streak, he had almost drained all the candy from the club, and no one else had the opportunity to win.
Tashiro, exasperated, had challenged him. If he won, Hanzawa would stop terrorizing the poor people who just wanted candy. Seeing Tashiro in front of him–bold, earnest Tashiro, taking the ping pong club even more seriously than Hanzawa had even expected, Hanzawa couldn’t help but to fall even harder.
Sasaki and Miyano. Hanzawa liked the two together. To him, they were the ideal gay couple. But, Hanzawa realized, there were different ways to love.
Sasaki and Miyano were innocent and pure, patient to the very end. Kagiura loved Hirano earnestly, his feelings shining straight out of his eyes. Hanzawa’s love was not earnest, innocent, or patient. It was the type that lingers, slowly sinking in until he had long since fallen before he knew how to get up.
Panic flared up in him then, sharp and metallic. He liked Tashiro. He really did. That was the problem. His mom wanted grandchildren, and he had already seen how hard being queer had been for both his friends and family. Hanzawa had worked so hard– club positions, perfect grades, fake smiles, everything– to present himself favorably to the world.
However, above all, Hanzawa did things for the sake of others. He took on too many leadership positions to take the burdens off of other people. His parents were only so accepting of his brothers because of Hanzawa’s perceived straightness. Hanzawa needed to continue his act, for them. No matter how strong his feelings for Tashiro were, it seemed they might’ve been doomed from the start. Because they were.
Hanzawa shook his head. Play ping pong now, worry later. He needed to win. Hanzawa wanted enough candy from winning these ping pong matches to make all his teeth fall out.