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“Weren’t you supposed to be in bed?”
The voice, coming from behind him, echoed in between the distant sounds of the waves, almost as if it was a part of nature. Could be a hallucination, Sousuke thought. Or perhaps his own conscience, tired of being ignored throughout this trip, had finally decided to come to life and face him head on.
He turned around, trying to fight the shiver that ran through his body. “Oh, Murashige-san, you scared me,” he said, feeling relieved and ashamed at the same time. “It’s too hot, makes it hard to sleep.”
The blonde girl hummed, as if this was the same reason she was also up this late while everyone else was asleep, recharging their energy to return to Tokyo in the morning. Before he could say another word, Yuzuki was lowering her body to sit with him on Mitsumi’s rear porch.
“Wish we could stay here a little longer,” Yuzuki said wistfully.
“Yeah.” His voice was low, raspy. “Hard to believe we need to head back already.”
After years of hiding, it was easy for Sousuke to find people with the same fears as him, people that also hid parts of themselves. It never bothered him, but Murashige Yuzuki felt a little bit too close for comfort.
Sousuke could feel that there was something more lying in between his friend’s words. Maybe it was the dark circles around her eyes or the way she kept intertwining her fingers with the grass, carefully picking one strand, then another. He wanted to pry, wanted to ask if she was a liar like him, desperate to find a partner, but he didn’t know how—or if it was even acceptable for him to cross this line.
She was always kind, but deep down he sensed that she never felt at ease around him. She always stood a few centimeters from him, with the same polite smile that was a little colder than the one she aimed at the girls, with eyes that never met his — little details that would be unnoticed if directed at anyone but him.
Her coldness had never bothered him before. What did was the fact that she, unlike him, could live her life normally and freely, as if she didn’t feel the need to hide anything. Sousuke felt a type of envy that he had never felt. It was unfair that the world had placed someone who seemed to be his own reflection so close to him, but played with his emotions by giving her much more courage, a thirst for life he never felt before. Murashige didn't hesitate to show love or dive into something new; she did everything she could to free herself from the chains of the past, while he just gave up on himself more and more.
Two almost identical souls that had to hide their true intentions to be seen as humans, but only one of them was brave enough to face the sun.
“Shima-kun, can I ask you a question?" Her voice was faint, light as a breeze. "A personal one.”
Sousuke felt his skin prickle with a shiver again, afraid of what she might say. “Sure, but I really don’t know if I could help you.”
“Have you ever liked someone? Like, not in the friendship sense…Have you ever liked someone?”
Sousuke’s blood ran cold, icy to the point of draining the color of his skin: he didn’t need to look at himself in the mirror to know he was all white, from head to toe, his fear in full display. His mouth, the only thing he wished would move, felt sticky, covered in sugar, lips gluing together as he tried to breathe again. He could feel her gaze, could feel her plea, mixed with the same loneliness that he knew so well — yet how could he compete with this thunderstorm when he felt like melting at a single touch of water?
“You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to,” Yuzuki sighed. “It’s a silly question anyways.”
“I just don’t know how to answer that, Murashige-san.” He pasted a faint, gentle smile on his face to soothe her. “I don’t really understand how it feels to like someone.”
Sousuke had had a fragile hope after his conversation with Mukai but, contrary to what he thought might happen, there was no wave of relief or any weight lifted from his shoulders — he just felt soaked, his shame plastered to his body. It was not normal for a boy his age to not understand the concept of romantic love.
Maybe he had lost this piece of himself before the divorce, when his parents’ fighting was already part of the routine. It could also have been any one of those times his mother refused to meet his eyes as he begged for a day off work, or when no one really wanted to be his friend, only use him for their own status — situations where he was so deprived of any kind of love that his brain reacted abruptly, drying all the water from of his body until all that was left was sand.
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to?” That was not the question he was expecting to receive. Sousuke caught her eyes, confused. “I mean, can you see yourself liking someone, Shima-kun?
“Why are you asking me this?”
Yuzuki averted her gaze now, eyes lost. “The other night, the girls were talking about crushes and whatnot, and it made me feel…” She tried to convey her feelings with her bare hands, moving them haphazardly in front of her. “Broken, I guess. I just don’t understand it at all. Why does everything end with romance, somehow? Why is it so important for people to have someone? When I think I’m close to getting it, it just…slips away.”
And suddenly, Sousuke was back in the bath with Mukai. Hearing such familiar doubts coming out of Yuzuki's mouth gave him a new sense of belonging. It wasn't like she was letting her wall crumble, but more like she was letting out a little cry for help, a shelter from the rain of the confusion they shared.
There were numerous ways out of this. He could just avoid the conversation, give her any type of excuse to go back to bed and let himself drown in his own pity.
Or finally, for the first time in his life, he could learn how to swim.
"It's honestly pretty confusing to me, too." Sousuke stretched his legs in front of him, not really sure what to do with himself. “I believe that it’s more important to love someone and accept someone for who they are, not as a lover or as a friend, but as a person.” He shrugged. “But I guess that's not enough.”
Yuzuki seemed to ponder this. "Then how do you see it now? Love, I mean."
Sousube battled with himself for a minute, afraid of saying something wrong or being misunderstood. "Do you remember the other day at the beach, when I stayed behind with Mitsumi?" Yuzuki nodded. "She found this tiny crab, and grabbed it without any hesitation. I was very, very afraid of touching it, but she showed me how and it was easier than I thought. You have to grab them by the middle, you see? That way you avoid its claws."
Yuzuki looked confused, clearly not following his line of thought. Sousuke cleared his throat, a little regretful for starting this conversation. "What I wanted to say was: I was very afraid it would pinch me. I had never, ever grabbed a crab before so they looked dangerous. But Mitsumi…Mitsumi had this perfect way of grabbing it, of managing it. She wasn't at all afraid and the crab didn't attack her. I think that's the difference between her, someone who knows how to love people, and me.”
Sousuke looked for Yuzuki's eyes in the dark. She was dead silent. "Love is this…tiny, weird crab that scares you, but when you face it with delicacy, it actually welcomes you. You just need to figure out which crab is safe enough to pick up, or if you don't want to grab any at all, or if you're willing to go for it and hurt yourself."
Yuzuki observed him for a long moment, her gaze slowly dampening the sand inside him. Sousuke felt ridiculous. He had promised himself once that he would never put himself into situations where he spoke his mind without carefully making a plan first — and there he was, breaking it without question.
Who in their right mind would make such a childish and silly association? Was he starting to lose his mind? Was Ririka, somewhere, somehow, casting a spell on him?
But suddenly, a loud, obnoxious laugh grabbed him by the neck. It was weird, contagious, completely different from the silence they were immersed in up to now. Yuzuki, now with her hand in front of her mouth, vibrated with amusement, a little too much for his comfort.
"That was pretty stupid,” Sousuke said, embarrassed. “I'm sorry."
"No, no." She touched his shoulder in reassurance that he was safe. "I just never imagined I would hear this from you, Shima-kun."
"Honestly, neither did I…"
"This is so amazing. I really wish the girls were here to hear this."
"Please, spare me. Don't ever tell anyone about this conversation, please…" Even with his shame, there was a small, playful grin forming on the corner of Sousuke’s mouth, Yuzuki’s teasing so amusing that it was hard to fight against.
Yuzuki let a couple more laughs free before regaining her composure. "But honestly, I think that’s a great analogy…I am very afraid of the crab. Can't see myself catching one anytime soon."
Sousuke hummed. "Sometimes I feel like trying to grab it. I just don't know if I have the right to do so, yet."
"What do you mean?"
He wanted to open up a little more. Wanted to tell her how he felt unlovable, how undeserving of love he was. Wanted to tell her what he had done to Mitsumi and what a monster he was. Maybe dive in a little deeper and tell her about his past, about his mother, about the storm that went on and on within him and never stopped.
Sousuke studied her, took in the little tears around her eyelashes from all the laughter and her now much-lighter expression. He could cherish this moment forever or break it in a second.
And afraid of any of these options, he just gave her a gentle, kind smile. "I don't really know myself," he said. Yuzuki let out a playful scoff in response.
"Well." Yuzuki got up, stretching her limbs to the sky. "Guess I'll go back to bed. Don't stay up or we'll miss the train because of you."
Sousuke nodded but stayed in place. He was still too lost in thought to fall asleep.
"I really hope you find a way to grab that crab soon, Shima-kun." Yuzuki smiled at him and Sousuke could swear the storm inside him stopped for a moment. "One day, I'll find a crab for myself, too."