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Juju’s diary
July. 6th. 2024.
These nights and days feel so lonely without you here. I regret encouraging you to go on a tour, and leaving me alone here. I should’ve been there with you. Nico.
My thoughts are killing me.
I had to go outside, so now i’m sitting alone at the han river writing this, while my tears are wetting the pages.
My eyes are so blurry, it’s hard to write. And my head aches from crying, drinking and from the lack of sleep. I don’t know how many hours i’ve slept in these past 5 days, maybe 6 hours?
⋅˚₊‧ May. 30th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Juju!” Nicholas said while walking down the stairs.
It was 9am on a Monday, June was right around the corner which meant that summer break would be starting soon.
“What class are you heading to?” He asked after catching up to Euijoo.
“English” Euijoo said while smiling at Nico. “What about you?” He added.
“Korean” He answered and sighed. “I don’t get it, why my teacher won’t let me pass the class early or let me drop out, i’m literally pro.” Nico added and crossed his arms.
“Well.. maybe if you did your homework and listened in class instead of making music 24/7, he’d let you pass early” Euijoo said while letting out a chuckle.
Nico rolled his eyes and whined “Thats boring.””Anyways, i need to go now, i’ll meet you after classes on the rooftop i have something to tell you” He added.
“See you there Nico” Euijoo answered. “Bye, Juju!” Nico said and flashed his smile.
⋅˚₊‧ After classes ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Do you have plans after classes?” Yuma asked after the teacher announced that the class was over.
“Yeah, Nico has something to tell me, so i’m meeting him on the rooftop” Euijoo answered and started packing his backpack.
“Alright, i’ll see you at the dorm then” Yuma said and got up to leave. “Wait, Yuma. Are you stopping by the convenience store?” Euijoo asked. “No, but i can if you need something” he answered.
“Can you get me some ramen and just something to eat and drink, i don’t think we have anything at the dorm” Euijoo said and got up. “Okay, i’ll buy some. Have fun” He replied and left.
Euijoo left the class room and started to make his way to
the rooftop.
“Nico!” Euijoo said when he finally reached the rooftop. Nicholas was already waiting him at the bench, near the edge of the rooftop.
The view from the rooftop was Euijoos favorite. They have spent countless lunch breaks and nights up there in the past year.
“Hi, Euijoo.” Nicholas said and turned to look at Euijoo. “So, the thing i wanted to tell you” He added. Euijoo sat down next to Nicholas and said “You sound too serious, its scary.”
“Eh, so i got...” Nicholas started and turned towards Euijoo. “I got a tour offer” He added. “Wait Nicholas, thats great!” Euijoo said excitedly and smiled at Nico.
“The tour will last for over 2 months.. and it starts in less than two weeks” He said sadly. “I’ll be flying to LA in 9 days, Euijoo” Nico added. “We haven’t been apart from each other since the day we met” Nicholas continued.
“What am I supposed to do without you there?” His voice cracked, as he turned to look at the school grounds. “Nico…” Euijoo began, trying his best to sound happy for Nicholas.
“This is your dream. You have to take this opportunity.” He tried to keep his voice steady, but it trembled slightly as he spoke. “I would never want to hold you back from something this important.”
“I know,” Nico replied. “It’s just… I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I thought i had more time to plan this and make it work.”
“I thought that i could take you with me, i can’t be away from you. You know that Juju” Nicholas added, his vision started to blur from tears.
“Yeah… I know. But you need to go, okay?” Euijoo said, forcing a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I really wish i could come too but i can’t, i’m sorry. Just promise me you’ll be safe.” He added and smiled.
Nico nodded and tried to smile, but a shadow passed over his face. “I promise.”
⋅˚₊‧ June. 5th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
It was finally Friday, and the group had been looking forward to this night all week. Nico and Euijoo had planned a movie night with their friends, the kind that would turn into a sleepover full of laughter and late-night talks.
Euijoo lived in the dorm with Yuma, Harua, and Jo, while Nico shared a place with Maki and Taki. K and Fuma stayed together in an apartment just a short walk from the dorms. This time, they’d all decided to gather at the bigger dorm before Nico left for his tour.
They had hung out as a group of nine a few times before, but something about tonight felt different—warmer, closer, like the start of a memory they’d all carry with them.
“So what movie are we watching?” Nico asked while preparing the snacks. “I don’t know yet, maybe Twilight or Harry Potter?” Euijoo answered. “One of those two would be great” Nico answered and smiled.
All nine of them were crammed into the living room, blankets and pillows everywhere, the movie barely audible over the chaos of jokes and laughter.
Euijoo sat next to Nico, shoulder pressed against his, quietly memorizing every detail—the way Nico’s hair fell into his eyes, the way he laughed too hard at dumb jokes, the warmth of being close.
It felt ordinary, like every other night they’d spent together, but Euijoo couldn’t ignore the truth. This was their last one for a while.
Nico had gotten the offer of a lifetime—an international tour, the kind of chance people only dreamed about.
⋅˚₊‧ After movie ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Are they all sleeping?” Nico whispered. “I think so?” Euijoo answered sleepily.
“Do you wanna sleep in the bed?” Nico asked and caressed his head. “Yeah” Euijoo said and got up.
Nico got up after Euijoo and followed him to his room. “Can you just sleep here..?” Euijoo asked and looked at Nico with his puppy eyes. “Yeah, that’s what i was planning to do, Juju” He answered and smiled at the sleepy Euijoo.
Nico squeezed himself in between the wall and Euijoo. He buried his head into Nicos neck and hugged him with his arm. “Are you comfortable there?” Nicholas asked. “Yup” He said and gave Nico a little peck on his neck, which startled Nico. He definitely wasn’t expecting that.
“What was that for?” Nico questioned. He waited a while but didn’t get any answers from Euijoo. He gave him a kiss on his head and closed his eyes.
⋅˚₊‧ Next morning. ‧₊˚ ⋅
“Where is Euijoo?” Harua asked. “I have no idea, i fell asleep before we even go to the half way point of the last movie” Jo said.
“He’s probably in his room, he can’t sleep anywhere else than his bed or..” Yuma started. “Where is Nico? Can they stop disappearing” Maki interrupted. “..or with Nico” Yuma added and sighed.
“These two are so obvious but blind at the same time.” Harua started again. “Can’t they just date already??” he added.
⋅˚₊‧ June. 9th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
Euijoo had never been good at keeping secrets, but for once, he was determined. It was Nicos birthday, Euijoo wanted to give him something that felt like home. Not just a cake and a gift, but a night that reminded him how loved he was.
Euijoo had spent hours cutting little paper stars, stringing them with lights to hang across the dorm ceiling. He wanted Nico to walk in and feel like he had touched the sky, even before he boarded a plane to chase it.
Yuma and Jo promised to handle decorations, Harua took charge of the playlist, and Maki swore he’d keep Nico distracted on the day.
Fuma and K volunteered to bake the cake—though everyone agreed they should probably have a backup just in case.
When Nico opened the door, the room erupted—“Surprise!”—and his stunned laugh filled every corner.
He looked around at the faces, at the lights, at the ridiculous banner Jo had taped too low on the wall, and finally at Euijoo.
For a split second, their eyes locked, and Nico’s smile softened into something private, something that said thank you without a single word.
Euijoo looked away first, cheeks burning, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Just seeing Nico that happy made every secret worth it.
The dorm was quiet again, Euijoo sat on the couch with a half-folded blanket in his lap, lost in thought. “You planned it didn’t you?” Nico asked nudging his shoulder.
Euijoo froze, then tried to play it off. “What makes you think that?”
Nico held up one of the paper stars still dangling from the string lights. “Only you would cut out twenty of these until your hands cramped just to make the room look like this.” “Thank you, Juju for all of this” He added
“It wasn’t just me. Everyone helped.” Euijoo swallowed hard and stared at the star hanging from Nicos hand
“Yeah, but you thought of it,” Nico said quietly, his voice softer now, as if the words were meant only for him. “You always think of me.” He added.
Euijoo’s chest ached. He wanted to tell him you’re welcome, I’d do anything for you, don’t you know that by now? But instead, he smiled faintly and muttered, “Happy birthday, Nico.”
Nico leaned back against the couch, his shoulder brushing Euijoo’s, just enough to feel it. “Best one I’ve ever had,” he murmured.
And though nothing else was said, Euijoo carried the moment like a secret, one more memory to keep close when Nico wasn’t there with him.
The night before Nico’s flight, the dorm was louder than usual. Tomorrow was the day, the day when Nicholas would be leaving for months to chase his dreams.
Euijoo was looking at his phone, 11:38pm. He has tried to sleep since 9pm, but he kept thinking about Nico and the conversation they had over a week ago.
After rolling in his bed for hours he got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. “Can’t sleep?” Yuma who was still in the kitchen, asked.
“I have this weird feeling in my stomach, i can’t stop thinking about him” Euijoo sat down and said. “Maybe you should tell him, Juju” Yuma answered.
“I can’t. What if he decides to stay if i tell him? I can’t be the one holding him back from reaching his dreams.” Euijoo said sadly.
“You aren’t holding him back. If he decides to stay its his choice” Harua who had heard the conversation and who was now sitting around the table, stated.
“Yuma is right, you should talk to him” Harua added. “I’ll try i guess, thanks guys” Euijoo answered and got up to get water.
“I’ll try to sleep. I need to go see him tomorrow. Good night guys” He added and disappeared back into his room.
Euijoo put down his water glass onto his nightstand and opened the top drawer to get his diary. He opened the first page and something fell out. It was a letter.
To. Juju
I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll start with today. That party… it was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time.
Not because of the cake (though Fuma’s disaster of a frosting attempt was unforgettable), and not even because of the lights or the music.
It was because of you.
I knew you planned it. The way the stars were cut just a little uneven at the edges, the way you tried to hide in the back when I walked in—you think I wouldn’t notice?
You’ve always done that—look after me without ever asking for credit. That’s why I couldn’t stop smiling. Not because of the surprise, but because it came from you.
I didn’t say this on the couch last night, but I wanted to. When I told you it was the best birthday I’ve ever had, what I meant was: you make everything feel like the best version it can be.
And here’s the part I can’t say out loud: I’m in love with you, Euijoo. I think I have been for a long time. Maybe it’s the way you always remember everyone else before yourself.
Maybe it’s the way you smile like you’re holding the whole room together. Or maybe it’s just the way you see me—not the musician, not the one chasing dreams, but me.
I’m scared to tell you because I don’t want to lose what we already have. But if this tour takes me farther away than I thought, I want you to at least know. Even if it’s only in words you find too late.
So keep this letter. Keep the stars from the ceiling if you still have them. Keep whatever piece of me you want. Just… keep me.
Always yours, Nico
“What is this? When he put this here?” Euijoo said out loud with the letter in his hands.
Maybe he should’ve told him how he feels
Maybe he should’ve agreed to go with him.
Maybe he should’ve told him to stay.
Maybe..
It was almost 1am, Euijoo needed to sleep.
He laid down on his bed, letter still in his hands.
Euijoo had promised to meet Nicholas at the airport before his flight.
Slowly he fell asleep, while thinking about the letter and what he would say to Nico tomorrow.
⋅˚₊‧ June. 10th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
Nine days later, the sun dipped low on the horizon, casting a golden glow over the landscape.
Euijoo stood outside his dorm waiting for the taxi, his heart racing with anxiety as he watched the clock tick down.
Nicholas clutched the boarding pass tightly in his hand, he was excited but anxious. He didn’t wanna leave his lifeline behind, he can’t remember when was the last time they’ve been apart for more than a day.
It took Euijoo about 20 minutes to arrive at the airport, Nico was waiting him near the exit. He looked stressed and sad, Euijoo tried his best to not start crying before leaving the airport.
“So… this is really happening, huh?” Euijoo said when he finally reached Nico. “Yeah, I guess it is. I mean, I always dreamed of touring, but now that it’s here… it feels different.” Nico answered.
“I thought I’d be supportive, but standing here, I just feel… I don’t know. Lost?” Euijoo said and sighed.
“I know what you mean. I keep thinking about all the times we’ve spent together. It doesn’t feel real that I’ll be away for over two months.” He sighed and looked at his boarding pass .
“You’re going to be amazing, Nico. Just think of all the stories you’ll have to tell when you come back” Euijoo said and tried to smile.
“Yeah, if I come back.” Nicholas started. “I mean, I will. I just… I never thought it would feel this hard to leave you.” He added
“It’s hard for me too. I wish i could come me with you.” Euijoo started. “I should’ve..” he continued but the announcement stopped him mid way.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We would like to make an important announcement regarding Flight 472 to Los Angeles, scheduled to depart in approximately 2 hours.
We kindly ask all passengers traveling on Flight 472 to proceed to Security check and to Gate 12 for boarding. We remind you to have your boarding passes and passport ready for inspection.
For those who are staying behind, we invite you to hold on to memories and dreams as you await the return of your loved ones.”
“Don’t say that. I need to do this. You encouraged me to chase my dreams, remember?” Nico said and caressed Euijoos hand
“I didn’t think it would mean leaving me behind…” His voice cracked. “I thought I could handle it, but now I just feel empty.” Euijoo added
“You’re not empty. You’re part of me, and I’ll always carry you with me.” Nico said and squeezed his hand. “I promise I’ll call you everyday, hm? You’ll be the first person I tell all my stories to.” He added and forced a smile
“Promise?” Euijoo asked
“I promise. And when I come back, we’ll go to that restaurant we love. We’ll eat all the ramen and laugh about how ridiculous this all sounded” Nico said and patted his head.
“You should go, hm?” Euijoo asked. “Yeah.. i should.” Nico answered.
Nicholas got up and opened his hands, Euijoo hugged him and said “Go, before i actually start bawling my eyes out and won’t let you leave.” He said and chuckled.
“I Love You, Juju” Nico whispered in his ear before letting go of him.
“I promise to be back soon” He said and looked Euijoo in the eyes. “Don’t break the promise” Euijoo answered. “Never” Nico added and smiled.
Nicholas took his bags and started to walk towards the security check.
“Bye, Nico!” Euijoo said. “Bye, Juju” Nico answered.
Euijoo stood near the exit, the weight of the world crashing down on him as he watched his best friend disappear into the airport's haze.
Euijoo reached on his pocket for his phone, as he took it, something fell on the floor. He picked it up, it was a letter from Nico and his boarding pass.
To. Juju
I don’t know how to start this without sounding stupid, so I’ll just write and hope it makes sense.
By the time you find this, I’ll already be in the air. I didn’t tell you I was writing because I knew you’d stop me, or worse—you’d smile that smile you do, and I’d lose the nerve.
You told me to go. You told me to chase this dream, even if it meant leaving you. And I’m going, but you should know the truth: the only reason I had the courage to say yes was because of you. You make everything feel possible, even when I’m terrified.
I really wanted to go together bc we both know, that we can’t be apart for more than a day. But i guess we need to learn to be apart, don’t you think so?
I don’t know how to say this out loud, so I’ll leave it here: I can’t get you out of my head. I think about you all the time, the way you fall asleep during movies, the way you always remember everyone’s order when we get food, the way you listen like it actually matters. I think about you, and I wonder if maybe you think about me too.
I know we never called it love. Maybe we were too scared. Maybe the timing was wrong. But if I could have one more night, one more chance, I’d tell you without hesitation, that i love you, Juju.
I don’t know what will happen out there, or how long I’ll be gone, but please keep this letter. Even if I can’t come back, at least you’ll know.
Take care of the others. Take care of yourself. And when you look at the stars, think of me—I’ll be thinking of you.
Always yours, Nico
⋅˚₊‧ June. 11th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
Euijoo stared at the words on his phone, big bold letters saying ‘Breaking News: Flight from Seoul to LA, missing after engine failure’.
His brain tried to make it logical, maybe they reported the wrong flight, maybe they landed somewhere, maybe it was a mistake, just maybe..
He opened another news outlet on his phone, ‘Breaking News: Flight 472 from Seoul to LA gone missing after engine failure’.
The news were all the same.
Flight from Seoul to LA.
Missing.
No survivors found.
Euijoo just stood next to Nico at the airport, he could’ve asked him to stay.
He could’ve been there with him.
It felt like the air had been punched out of him and then his heart being ripped apart.
He couldn’t cry. He was staring at the ceiling holding the letter Nico had given him the day he left.
The paper was creased and worn, as ordinary as anything, yet it carried the weight of everything they’d lost.
⋅˚₊‧ June. 12th. 2024. ‧₊˚ ⋅
Days blurred.
The news spread fast. Identified bodies that belonged to someone’s mom’s and dad’s were found every hour. When they found Nicos body and identified him.
Messages started to pour in from fans, from strangers calling Nico an inspiration, a star gone too soon.
Euijoo couldn’t look.
To him, Nico wasn’t a headline or a hashtag—he was the boy who hugged the blankets during movie nights and cuddled up with his friends, who hummed when he brushed his teeth, who promised he’d come back with stories to tell.
Now there would be no stories.
Just silence.
Just a piece of paper and heart shattered but full of memories that Euijoo carried everywhere.
Juju’s diary
July. 7th. 2024
I haven’t been attending my classes since you left.
Everything reminds me of you here.
Remember the restaurant near the park we used to go almost every weekend? I haven’t been there since you left, i haven’t even walked though the park.
July. 8th. 2024.
I still hear your voice and laugh in my mind when i think about all the memories we made, i’m scared that one day i won’t hear it anymore. Or remember how pretty your smile is or how pretty you are.
July. 9th. 2024.
It’s your birthday.
We had planned to go to the beach and look at the stars.
You always dreamed reaching the stars, but now you’re one of them.
I miss you. I miss you so much my love.
July. 10th. 2024.
It’s been a month. I still can’t believe that you’re gone, and this time you’re gone for good.
It hurts, it hurts so much. I can feel my stomach twisting when i think about the day when i heard the news.
I didn’t think anything or anyone could hurt me like this, but after meeting you, there was many things i didn’t think could happen to me.
But falling in love with you was the best thing what happened, after meeting you. I never said this out loud and i regret it and i am sorry about it but..
I love you, my Nico.
Juju’s diary
There is a reason we don’t say ‘goodbye’ when someone is leaving to go somewhere.
‘Goodbyes’ mean leaving a place where you’re never going back.
We only said ‘bye’ but why’d you leave forever..?
I don’t think that i can live here without you, my love.