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Kachink!....Chang!...Vrooo!!.... Sqeeeee!!!... Kachink!....Chang!...Vrooo!!.... Sqeeeee!!
"Oh come on! I'm gonna throw this thing in the Styx!"
Kachink!....Chang!...Vrooo!!.... Sqeeee!!!
"Why'd they get rid of the chariots? A few flaming horses, some spiky wheels, it was cool!
Hades ground the gears in the shiny car, causing the vehicle to lurch a few feet down the street before stopping once again.
"Gharrr!" His hair suddenly flamed blue in his fury (luckily, the car's top was down).
Hades banged the wheel with his fists a few times, inadvertently hitting the car horn and attracting even more attention than his attempts to drive had already garnered him. He was just about to kick his way out of the sporty jalopy, intending to leave some markedly disgruntled boot-prints on the interior when a sing-song call stopped him cold.
"Oh bibbidi-bobbidy! Is that the new Carriage Cruise D26 model?"
"Nooo," he groaned, flopping across the seats and pressing his hands to his eyes, hoping maybe the ground would open up and swallow him.
Fairy Godmother sashayed her way out into the road to stand beside the stalled car. "It IS the new model! How wonderful! Is the dynamic positron reaction timing everything the advertisement says it would be?"
Hades cocked his head up from where it lay and stared at her in dumb incomprehension. The lady was dressed in blue (of course). The outfit was something a bit less formal than her professional attire on the school grounds. Her hair was carefully combed up beneath a rather frilly hat, and she had a large purse slung over one arm.
Seeing his somewhat vacant look, she changed the subject.
"I was just going to do some errands, and it's such a beautiful day for a walk but . . ." she looked around as if trying to find something. "I think the walk is going to be longer than I expected . . ."
Hades sat up and looked back at the way he had come. The gates of Auridon Prep were less than twenty yards behind them.
". . . would you mind giving me a ride?" The headmistress suddenly opened the passenger side door and bumped him back into position behind the wheel with a nudging hip. "You seem headed in that direction anyway and . . . it's such a pretty car!"
Hades gave her a scowling side-eye, then grabbed the stick-shift and tried to make the thing go! There was a grinding and a clacking and a lurch followed by more horrible noises as the convertible crawled down the street.
"I'm sure you'll find first gear somewhere," Fairy Godmother twittered unhelpfully as the windshield wipers came on.
"Oh!" she exclaimed after a horrible lurch. "What a rough road! And to think it was just resurfaced last week!"
After another jarring jolt: "Bippidy! I . . . um. . . I think you may have left the transmission back there on that one!"
The car finally died again, and Hades threw his hands in the air. "That's it!" He shouted, thrusting the door open with a crash of one large boot. "I curse this thing to the deepest pit! I'm gonna' get a lawn chair and sit and watch it burn up when I get back!" He kicked a tire angrily, flickers of blue flame crackling along his hairline.
"Oh, no, no!" Fairy Godmother quickly got out of the car (hurrying just in case it began the descent to this "pit" with her in it). She jogged in her somewhat cloppy heals around to where he stood.
"I'm sure King Ben wouldn't want to see one of his fancy toys condemned, and it was so nice of him to let you borrow it." She beamed at the shiny car like it was just another rascal at the school she had to wrangle. "Why don't I give it a try?"
Hades stared at her for a moment. Then, flipping his trench-coat in irritation, he stomped around to the other side of the car and settled into the passenger seat with a disgruntled air.
"By the way," Fairy Godmother said as she fished overlarge, glittery sunglasses out of her purse and settled them on her nose. "You can call me Fay."
She ignored his snort as she arranged herself in the driver's seat, adjusted the mirrors just a tad, and put both hands on the wheel.
"Seat-belt!" she sang out before putting the car expertly into gear and hitting the gas, nearly flipping Hades into the back seat as the engine roared and they shot down the street!
"Oh my!" She shouted above the wind as they whipped around a corner, "this baby corner's like it's on rails!" The statement was made in the same excited chirp she would use to say "very good" when one of the VK's did something not wicked.
“Eh?” Hades intoned as he clutched the door handle and the armrest, sliding down slightly so he couldn’t see the traffic flashing by.
“Rails!” Fay laughed over the wind. “I love roller coasters, but … whoo!” She sped up an incline and caught some air coming over the hill. “But as headmistress of Auradon Prep, I don’t get as much coaster time as I’d like.”
Fay swooped the wheel around, and the car drifted in a tight, smooth, squealing circle, coming to a stop perfectly parallel parked in front of a store.
"Here we are!" she sang, taking off her sunglasses and giving Hades a wink.
Hades pried his hands loose from the indents he'd made in the car's leather-like interior fabric and sat up. Looking around, he could see the turrets of the castle not five blocks away. The ride seemed to have been much longer!
"Yeah, thanks . . . " he said, jumping out of the car without bothering to open the door, his long coat catching on the side mirror. Smoke started to steam from his hair as he testily detangled it, then turned and stomped into the nearest store.
Attempting to regain his cool after the wild car ride with Fay, Hades shuffled between the racks, flicking his fingers irreverently at clothing and wondering if he could find some decent bed sheets and just tie on a toga.
"May I help you . . . ?" a snobbish voice inquired from behind Hades.
"Just checkin' things out." Hades turned to the stuffy looking salesman and tried for a smile. He ended up looking like a crocodile about to intentionally eat fireworks.
The salesman reflected the look with one of his own sanguine grimaces - one that was almost deferential but said he was trying to ignore something really unpleasant he'd discovered on the bottom of his shoe. "Are you looking for something in particular?"
Hades threw up his hands and grabbed randomly at a suit on a nearby display.
"This looks all nice and crap. How much for this?"
"I don't think we have that in your size," the salesman said in an oily tone. Hades made a mental note to be sure and find this guy's soul on the other side and put him to work!
"Then what'cha got I can wear?" Hades asked through his teeth, leaning on the nearby racks and leering at the man. His studded trench coat, rough black clothes, banged up combat boots, and wild blue hair were as out of place in the elegant store as a mossy bolder in a jewelry case.
"My friend," the salesman said in clipped politeness, though not friendly at all. "This store caters to the highest sophisticates in Aurodon. King Ben even deigned to wear a sweater of ours once." He raised his eyebrows as if acknowledging something he thought Hades should inherently be understanding.
When the man, who had more links on his coat than a chain-gang could carry, simply showed indifference (with a "so what" motion using his fingerless gloves and a head turn) the salesman decided he needed to be more to the point.
"I don't think we have anything for you. You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave."
Hades nearly went full flame! He had his finger in the man's face and was formulating a good curse when Mal's admonishments came back to him:
"Dad!" Mal had said. "Remember, not everyone in Auradon knows who you are or what a big deal you were! Don't. Go. There!"
Her words echoed in his head. Hades stopped pointing, balled up his fist, and let out an angry, frustrated sound. He turned on his heel and stormed out the door.
Fay was taking surreptitious selfies in the driver's seat of the car when she saw him come out.
"Oh dear," she exclaimed upon seeing his thunderous expression. "I've had carriages made out of soft tomatoes that lasted longer than that!"
Getting out of the car, she hurried over to where Hades was pacing on the sidewalk.
"... not even real gold coins!" he was muttering angrily. "I have these plastic playing cards!" He pulled a couple of credit cards out of his overlarge pocket, waved them around, and then flipped them onto the ground in disgust.
"I take it you're looking for something to wear for the wedding?" Fay scooped up the cards and trotted after him.
Hades stopped and turned on her suddenly. "Can't you just . . . ya know," he looked around to make sure they weren't overheard, " . . . do a Cinderella thing for me or something?"
"Oh my, um . . ." Fay laughed benevolently. "As much as I love using magic for good . . . well . . . the wand is back in the museum and . . . it really is only a temporary trick. The wedding is weeks away and even if I did it then and the reception went past midnight . . ." she made her face overly cheery and gestured as if spreading fairy dust: "We'd have a father-of-the-bride dancing around in only his under-things!" She put her fingers over her mouth, trying to stop a giggle as she turned a warm shade of pink.
"Gah!" Hades threw up his hands in frustration. "What is it with everyone today? I am a god! Remember? If one more person jerks me around like a little wooden boy, I'm gonna . . ." He went about wringing the air with his hands as if he had the salesman in his clutches.
"No, no! It's all right!" Fay suddenly grabbed his hand and started pulling him down the sidewalk. "Just come with me. We'll find you something!"
Hades pulled away indignantly and shoved both his hands in his pockets. "I'm coming, I'm coming," he groused.
Fay swept into a shop a few blocks down where the bell over the door tinkled merrily at their entrance. Hades wanted to scream at the sheer pleasantness.
"Lumière," she sang out, taking off her hat and tossing on a nearby sofa.
"Oui, oui?" Someone inquired, emerging from a back room.
"Oh, Madame Fay!" A slender Frenchman adorned with intricately curled white hair, his shoulders draped with a measuring tape, rushed to take Fairy Godmother's hands. They air kissed with an emphatic mwa, mwa.
"I did not expect you today, ma chère!" Lumière's curlicue mustache smiled with the rest of his face.
"Well, I don't need . . . I mean, I always need something new from you, Lumière!" She flattered the maître d' turned tailor as she led him over to where Hades sulked.
"But I was wondering if you could do something with . . ." she held her hand out toward the one-time villain and considered.
". . . with this." Fay gestured to all of him.
Lumière's eyes widened a bit, but his cheerful smile never faltered. He seemed to consider, then turned slightly and had a breathless, nearly silent conversation with Fay, both gesturing wildly before they turned back to Hades with open, beaming faces.
"Challenge accepted!" Lumière announced loudly.
Hades just glared, his hair fairly crackling.
Que Music Montage!
In the Summertime by Mungo Jerry
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Fay seats herself on a cushy sofa as Lumière measures Hades - across the arms, from waist to foot, around the middle . . .
In the summertime when the weather is hot / you can stretch right up and touch the sky
Lumière measures Hades from the waist up, unrolling the tape more and more as he attempts to measure to the top of the spiky blue hair.
When the weather's fine / you got women, you got women on your mind
Lumière shoves Hades into a dressing room and shuts the curtains with a flourish. He snaps his fingers and pulls the curtains open to reveal . . .
Have a drink, have a drive / go out and see what you can find
Hades in a pale blue tuxedo reminiscent of a 70's prom - complete with ruffled shirt and cummerbund. It matches his hair, but that's the only good thing about it.
If her daddy's rich take out for a meal / if her daddy's poor just do what you feel
Fay emphatically mouths "NO" as Hades sneers and turns a leering gaze on Lumière. The tailor shoves him back in the dressing room.
Speed along the lane, / do a ton or a ton an' twenty five
You can make it / make it good in a lay-by
The curtains open and Hades steps out in an ostentatious outfit consisting of an overlarge shirt and pants covered in flames that iridescently dance as he moves
We're not grey people / we're not dirty / we're not mean
we love everybody / but we do as we please
Hades actually seems kind-of happy with this almost-pajamas look and shimmies around a bit to make the flames flicker.
When the weather's fine / we go fishin' or go swimmin' in the seas
we're always happy / life's for livin' / yea that's our philosophy
Fay pinches the bridge of her nose and, closes her eyes and shakes her head.
Lumière, who has been doing a little dance next to Hades, stops abruptly, grabs the other man by the lapels and shoves him back in the dressing room.
Sing along with us / dee dee dee-dee dee
Dah da dah-dah da / Yeah we're hap-happy
The curtains of the dressing room flap and roil a bit as if someone inside was fighting to escape!
Dah da-dah, dee-dah-do / deedah-do dah do dah
Alright
Hades stumbles out as if pushed and to straighten his suit jacket reluctantly, brushing invisible dust off the fabric. He is uncommonly handsome in a dark suit, open at the neck, with a few light blue embellishments and a small chain or two.
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Fay does a wow face while Hades admires himself in a mirror, nodding in the acknowledgment that he actually looks good!
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Fay jumps up and dashes into the dressing room. A moment later, she tears back the drapes to reveal a very chic black dress that compliments Hades' suite. They do a little dance, separate but together, while Lumière claps his hands lightly nearby, congratulating himself and looking around as if for adoring admirers.
When the winter's here / yeah it's party time
bring your bottle / bring your bright clothes
It'll soon be summertime
Fay and Hades, still dressed up, are in a salon. He's getting his nails done and is peering closely at the process. Someone comes up behind him with scissors as if about to work on his hair.
We'll go drivin' or maybe we'll settle down
The hair-dresser leaps back as if burned after touching Hades' hair. He looks over his shoulder and shakes a finger in admonition.
If she's rich, if she's nice, bring your friends, and we'll go into town
Hades and Fay are having an elegant lunch, all the waiters deferring to them and offering platters of succulent hors d'oeuvres. Hades laughs in delight when a platter has the lid lifted to reveal a flaming dessert.
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh
Chh chh-chh, uh / chh chh-chh uh (fade out)
Hades, devil-may-care in his new suit, walks into the store he'd been "thrown out of." Several salespeople come forward eagerly, including the salesman from earlier.
"May I help you, sir?" The salesman dithers eagerly.
"Do you remember me?" Hades asks, chin in the air - as if anyone could forget that blue hair.
"Well, yes sir. I must say . . ."
"Nah ah," Hades holds up a manicured hand - his nails are the palest blue with just a hint of gold glow.
"My daughter is marrying King Ben. You don't get to say anything." He flips his lapels at the salesman.
"Big mistake earlier," Hades says, backing out the door for effect and fanning his hands in a mock explosion."Huge!"
He departs with a villainous laugh.
"Just one small errand and then we'll bibbity-bop out'a here," Fay said as she led Hades further down the street.
"I just have to check on this apartment for Jane. She can't live on campus forever, ya know?" The smile she flashed him seemed a bit forced - like a mother facing the fact that her daughter needed to spread her wings.
A harried looking realtor was just coming out of the door of the apartment in question when they arrived.
"No, she said forcefully into her phone. "a three-bedroom will not work for seven dwarves! Are you kidding? They'd be pickaxing the walls in no time."
She put her hand over the receiver and said to Fay: "Sorry, emergency with a big family - their place was suddenly overrun with wild-life . . ."
She caught sight of Hades in his tailored suit. "Well hello," she said, smiling at him. "I . . ."
The phone squawked and she seemed to suddenly remember what she was doing.
"Oh, Fay, I gotta run," she said, tearing her gaze away from Hades and back to Fairy Godmother. "Please feel free to check the place out and let me know what you think!"
She hurried down the hall, peaking back several times for one last look at Hades.
Fay poked around the place, keeping up a running commentary for Hades a few rooms away. She finally finished opening all the cupboards and finding all the HVAC vents and came back into the main living space.
"I just wanted to make sure there were no hidden fireplaces! You know the cinders that would need sweeping . . ."
Hades was fully asleep in a folding chair in the empty room, head thrown back and snoring.
"Oh, just wore him all kinds of out!" Fay crossed the room, reluctant to wake the sleeping man - he might flare-up and burn the place down, and it was so hard to find a good place in the city.
"Well, what can you do?" she asked herself. Digging in her purse, she came up with what looked like a very small replica of her wand.
"Just a little magic won't hurt! Bippity-boppity-boo, something more comfortable for you!"
The folding chair morphed into a wide lounger with several pillows propping Hades up. He continued to snore as though nothing had happened.
Fay looked at the comfortable piece of furniture longingly.
"Well," she said decisively, kicking off her shoes. "Don't mind if I do!"
She tiptoed around to the other side and settled beside Hades with a sigh. With the miniature wand, she conjured up a television and a box of chocolates, settling in to watch a few daytime "soaps" at a low volume.
Beside her, Hades twitched in his sleep, and his hand fell to lay on her thigh. She looked at it for a moment, then to the man beside her.
"It's a nice thought," she said to his sleeping form.
She carefully moved his hand back and turned her attention to an episode of The Ever After, wondering if Drizella would ever get over her giant foot problem.
End.