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“It’s been weeks,” Ar’alani said, standing in his doorway and blocking the exit to his apartment.
“He wouldn’t want to see me,” Thrawn said simply, trying to move past her only for her to step in his way.
“You are so sure?” Ar’alani asked, raising an eyebrow.
“He has not spoken to me since my initial rescue from the unknown regions,” Thrawn stated simply. “You know as well as I the things I have done wrong. He made it clear before his capture that he did not wish to speak to me.”
“You are an important part of his life. Your presence may help him recall something,” she said, glaring into his soul.
Thrawn looked away. In these past few months, he had gone from prisoner of the Chiss Ascendancy to personal babysitter. Ezra was, of course, an adult, but ever since they had been rescued together it had been the council's decision that he was to watch Bridger and monitor his advising of the navigators in force/sight abilities; something Ezra had supposedly volunteered for and had somehow been deemed capable of by the council despite his alien status.
Ezra seemed to pick up the given job immediately, something Thrawn did not find surprising after their six months spent in the unknown regions together before being rescued. Ezra had shown more skill in regulating emotions than anticipated, and despite occasional moments of intense, but short lived, emotional turmoil, seemed overall to be doing well, especially since their rescue. Something that Thrawn did find surprising, however, was how, despite Ezra’s initial hatred for him, the man had seemed to have grown accustomed and even content to be around Thrawn. Moreover, it had seemed Thrawn shared the feeling of slight acceptance and had grown, in a way, content with Ezra as well.
Overall, Thrawn did not mind Ezra despite disliking, but did not hating, his place as his ‘advisor.’ Despite this, one major thing he didn’t like was Ezra continuously probing into his personal life, especially when it came to Eli Vanto. Thrawn did not pretend to know much about the force, even if he tried his best to understand it based on Ezra’s explanations to his many questions. What he did know about it, however, was the fact that Ezra could feel his particularly strong emotions, as well as occasionally get glances of Thrawn’s emotion filled thoughts and dreams. Thrawn abhorred this with his very being. He had always been a very private person, and having someone like Ezra somehow discover who Eli Vanto was, along with his feelings and the intense hurt he felt from Eli’s resistance to speaking with him, was something Thrawn had and would always be extremely uncomfortable with.
Even now, Thrawn could feel Ezra’s eyes on his back, clearly eavesdropping on his current conversation with Ar’alani in regard to the man Thrawn tried his hardest to prevent Ezra from even speaking about.
Currently, Thrawn tried to repress any surfacing emotions that threatened to bubble up. He didn’t want to feel the pain that came along with comparing Vanto’s past warm smiles to his more recent bitter glares. It was beyond obvious how deeply he had hurt the much more moral Vanto with his actions. Thrawn understood what he did wrong, and he did not blame Eli for the shunning, even if every interaction had made him feel like he was having a knife slowly shoved into his chest. A reaction he, of course, tried not to respond to. Vanto had always had more of an effect on him than he ever wanted to admit and rejection from the man who had followed him so closely for most of Eli’s career hurt him deeper than he would ever admit.
The idea of seeing Vanto now stung him too. Even if he entered Vanto’s medical room and received not a glare but a smile he would feel nothing but pain over knowing it was not the Vanto he knew smiling at him. Not only that, he would need to be reminded of the way Eli had seemed almost lifeless after his rescue from the grysks; the ones who had tortured him so badly that Eli had supposedly forgotten his own name. It was all unknown to Thrawn, what exactly happened in his month spent in capture and what particularly caused the memory loss. All he knew was that Eli remembered nothing, and that Thrawn going to visit was more than likely not going to do anything. He had already visited once when Eli had first returned. He remembered with a little too much emotion the condition Eli had been in, the way a sleeping Vanto could have appeared dead if not for the heart monitor next to him. And yet, despite all of his pain and apprehension, he knew Ar’alani made a point. It was only fair that he try to help the man with the knowledge that he would leave as soon as Vanto requested, as soon as…if…Vanto remembered.
“You truly believe this may help? You believe that one visit from me will have an effect on him?” Thrawn asked, staring at Ar’alani with a neutral expression he fought to preserve.
Ar’alani nodded briskly. “I would not be here if I did not believe so.”
Thrawn hesitated a moment longer before nodding. “I will try.”
Thrawn could have sworn he saw slight surprise in Ar’alani’s features for the briefest of moments. “Very well,” she said. “Are you ready now?”
Thrawn nodded simply, letting her lead him silently there.
***
He was dreading it, he knew. He had no plan, no idea on what he should say or do, especially if this did trigger some kind of memory response. He was going in blind knowing that this experience would most likely trigger himself more than it would trigger anything from Eli.
He set a timer on his watch for twenty standard minutes as they neared the room, giving himself an excuse to leave if all else fails. Twenty minutes, that was all he had to expose himself to if all went well.
They stood near the doors entrance, Ar’alani pausing and turning to him, waiting for him to nod before knocking.
“Come in,” came the voice in Sy-Bisti, something Thrawn found a bit shocking that Eli could speak despite the supposed memory loss.
“Hello Admiral “ Eli said in Sy-Bisti once more, Ar’alani apparently having introduced herself to him again recently.
Thrawn slowly followed her, his eyes slowly tracing Eli’s features behind what he hoped was an emotionless mask. The scar was what Thrawn noticed first, the scar jagged and running from his hairline down to the corner of Eli’s left eye, not as bloody as it had been before but still clearly visible. His hair was a lot longer now as well, still short but messy and unstyled, even more so than it had been previously. He was clean shaven, most likely due to the medical staff, but had a slight amount of stubble. Overall, he looked a lot better than he had when they had first rescued him and Thrawn found himself letting out a silent breath over the fact.
“This is Mitth’raw’nuruodo,” Ar’alani said, startling him ever so slightly as he was yanked away from his thoughts. She motioned to Thrawn. “Do you recognize him?”
Eli pressed his lips together as he stared at him. Thrawn almost expected to see bitterness reflected back but instead hardly saw any emotion at all. The only emotion recognizable on Eli’s features seemed to be guilt, his eyes appearing to almost droop slightly in disappointment and shame. “I’m sorry ma’am…I…” he paused and looked over at Thrawn again. He sighed, frowning deeply. “He's …I’m having trouble finding the words.”
Thrawn waited for Ar’alani to respond, and when she did not, Thrawn took the cue for what it was. “Do you prefer Sy-Bisti, or would basic be better?” Thrawn said in basic, Eli’s eyes lighting up in surprise.
“I think I can speak both fine,” Eli said, Thrawn finding himself nostalgic for the accent that slipped off Eli’s tongue when he responded in basic. Eli gave him a little smile and Thrawn found himself feeling bitter as he was reminded of just how expressive Eli used to be. “It’s just that I can’t think of any word to describe it. I feel like I’ve never seen you before, and yet, you feel familiar. I almost feel sad looking at you. Is that weird to say?” He asked in basic, smiling slightly still in a way Thrawn knew was supposed to be comforting but only served to worsen the pain in his chest.
Ar’alani looked between them, understanding some of what was just said and looking curious over it.
Thrawn stared at him closely, inspecting Eli’s face closely and trying to read his body stance further only to confirm the unnecessary guilt it was clear Eli felt. “No,” he said finally, but did not elaborate.
He turned to Ar’alani and spoke in Cheunh. “It seems he does not remember me.”
Ar’alani raised an eyebrow. “That is what he said to you?” Thrawn went to open his mouth when she interrupted him. “Do not lie.”
Thrawn let his shoulders sink ever so slightly. “He admitted I caused him to feel slight sadness, yet cannot tell me why.”
Ar’alani narrowed her eyes. “I see.”
Thrawn looked away, his frustration over this entire situation momentarily getting the better of him as months worth of suppressed emotion clawed against his throat. “I should be leaving now,” he said in Sy-Bisti, heading to the door when Ar’alani called on him.
“Why don’t you let Eli show you the math equations he has been working on. They are very advanced for one that has recently lost their memory,” she said smugly in Sy-Bisti as she turned to look at him.
Thrawn slowly turned to face her, about to glare when he saw Eli blushing just as he always had when Thrawn gave him a compliment. “It’s nothing, ma’am. He can leave if he needs,” Eli reassured.
Thrawn stared at him and repressed a stressed sigh as he tried to put his discomfort aside. He needed to remember this was for Eli, that even if it was hopeless he should still try. It was selfish of him to try and leave, even if the longer he was here the longer he felt on the verge of an emotional shutdown. “I have time,” he said, walking slowly over to the side of Eli’s bed and sitting in one of the chairs there. He glanced at his watch, torn between still wanting to leave and wanting to help Eli’s potentially, devastatingly hopeless case he had been trying to avoid thinking about for weeks.
Ar’alani stepped aside. “I trust you will stay here at least a few more minutes,” she said in Cheunh before turning and leaving.
Thrawn relaxed slightly as she left. Eli waited a moment before speaking to him in basic. “You sure you wanna be here. No offense, but you seem reluctant.”
“It is nothing,” Thrawn said quickly. “Show me what you have been working on.” He said, impressing himself by keeping his voice neutral as he spoke.
Eli slowly took out his questis, finding what he wanted before turning the questis toward Thrawn. “I’m not sure why she suggested this topic, I know math bores most people, but if I had to guess it’s to prove I have some memory capability at least,” he said, scrolling a bit on the pad. “Anyway, I was reading this book, Theories of Future Space Travel. I guess I remember enough to correct some of the author's work. It’s not like I can fact check myself but…“
Thrawn looked it over, the math too advanced for him but still somewhat comprehensible. “Explain your work to me,” Thrawn requested, much to Eli’s apparent surprise.
And that Eli did, going into detail about why he doubted the book's corrections and why he had chosen this exact method to solve the problem.
Thrawn looked at him when he was done explaining, eyeing him. “Vanto,” he said, hesitant and yet accepting the fact his curiosity was very much getting the better of him. “I must admit I am confused, not with the math but how you are able to know all of this and still need to be told the names of those you have known for years.”
Eli smiled sadly, expressively. “I and what seems like the entire medical staff have been over this. I couldn’t remember who I am, how old I am, where I was, but I can remember math. As well as some other basic tasks. It’s like my subconscious knows some things for me. Like with Sy-Bisti, I somehow know it without knowing where I learned it. It’s the same with a bit of Cheunh too, although for some reason that’s harder to fully understand. I couldn’t really understand what you were saying to the Admiral.”
Thrawn nodded. “And how old did you believe you were when you were first returned. What is the last thing you remember?”
Vanto pursed his lips. “Not much, not even my childhood. I feel….older. They told me I was thirty-six, I believe that, but yet….” he sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “I don’t know how it’s possible. Sometimes I’ll get glimpses of things in my dreams, and sometimes I remember bits and pieces of my past, but nothing massive, and nothing too recent.”
Thrawn lay a delicate finger over his lips as he thought more deeply on it. He had not been given many details of Eli’s condition, but it seemed either he had brain damage, or he was experiencing some kind of trauma response to what he had experienced. It was as if the brain was overcompensating by not only forgetting the traumatic experience but everything else as well. That scenario was unlikely, however, and he assumed some kind of extensive brain damage was to blame. The only odd part of this was that those with brain damage typically also struggled to form new memories, and that didn’t seem to be the case if he could also remember Ar’alani and-
“Thrawn,” Eli called before hesitating. “Mitth'raw'nuruodo,” he corrected, saying Thrawn’s full name perfectly before rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know why I called you that, sorry. I was asking if you’re alright and you didn’t respond. You just seem upset is all.”
Thrawn paused for a long moment, staring at him and only finding confusion in Eli’s expression. “Thrawn is my core name, it is the name you used to call me,” he responded, Eli’s eyes widening slightly.
“Oh…I guess that’s a good sign,” he said, offering a small smile.
Thrawn couldn’t decide if he should feel hopeful or bitter, still unsure if this would lead to much of anything. “I would hope…” He responded simply before turning back to Eli’s earlier question. “I am fine, to answer your question. Simply lost in thought about your condition. Have they discovered the cause behind your memory loss?”
Eli nodded. “Yes and no. They really don’t know, but they suspect brain damage," he said, motioning to his head. “They know I have a concussion at least.”
“I see…” he said, frowning against himself.
“Why don’t you tell me about yourself,” Eli said, clearly trying to change the topic. “Beside how serious and definitely not upset you are.”
Thrawn huffed slightly, his lips upturning for only a moment. He, of course, found himself unable to deny Eli, telling Eli a little about how they knew each other and of the Empire, and then of his return here. He left out the part where he was punished for his actions…and the actions he was punished for, but he was sure Eli would find that out eventually. There was no need to cause a conflict now when Eli was in a vulnerable state…and when he himself was vulnerable.
“I’m sorry,” Eli eventually said. “I knew you so well and I-”
“Do not apologize,” Thrawn interrupted him, regretfully startling Eli slightly with his bluntness. “I am sure you have had to apologize enough to others you did not remember.”
Eli nodded slightly. “Yeah….”
Eli flinched yet again when the timer on Thrawn’s watch went off. Thrawn quickly stopped it, eyeing Eli to make sure he was okay and trying not to think about the man’s skittishness, about the torture he endured, and Thrawn’s emotions that were still clawing at his insides. “I need to get going,” he eventually said, pretending like the timer indicated he had somewhere to be other than his bedroom.
Eli sighed and then nodded. “Alright, thanks for the company,” he said, giving Thrawn a smile that made Thrawn feel guilty.
Eli did not even remember him, it should not matter if he visited anymore…and yet he knew it did and that even a small amount of progress was still progress. He also wondered if Eli had his memory restored, if he would be mad if Thrawn did not visit again. He wondered if he would want him to visit when Eli was in this weakened state, or did he despise him so much that he would be repulsed that Thrawn even visited at all?
At this present moment, he felt relieved to leave, because it temporarily took him out of yet another morally dubious situation. It took him away from the pain of getting this much interest out of the man he had at one time considered a close friend…one of the closest friends he had ever had.
“You’re doing it again,” Eli suddenly said, staring at him.
Thrawn looked over at him, being pulled away from his thoughts abruptly. “Doing what exactly?”
“Staring off into space like you’ve seen a ghost. You do that a lot, you know,” Eli said, sounding a bit amused before frowning slightly as he thought about it. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Fine,” Thrawn dismissed, standing abruptly. “I wish you the best in your course to recovery,” he said, walking to the door and leaving before Eli could get out a fair well.
***
Thrawn stared at Ar’alani in slight frustration, the Admiral coming to get him yet again only two days after his last interaction with Vanto. “If he had his memory, he would not want me to visit,” Thrawn began.
“Well, he’s asking about you now!” Ar’alani retorted, glaring at him.
“He is going to regret doing so when he finds out about what I’ve done,” Thrawn said sharply.
“Don’t pretend this is about him and not you,” Ar’alani said, Thrawn raising his eyebrows just slightly. “You are scared of the hurt you’ll feel when- no, if he remembers and responds by distancing himself from you.”
“He does not need to remember to know what I have done. What is the point of talking to him if he will be hurt when told he was talking to a criminal the entire time?” Thrawn asked pointedly.
“You told me he called you by your core name without being prompted, you triggered an emotional response. That’s more than he’s had for anyone so far,” Ar’alani said, his arms tightly crossed against her chest defensively. “Just go once more, see if you can trigger something else, anything.”
“And if it is not successful,” Thrawn asked.
“Then it is up to you if you visit him again,” she said, turning away. “He’s asked about you,” she repeated. “He seemed happy when I told him I would inquire about you visiting.” She paused again. “He will be free the rest of the day,” she finally concluded before walking off.
Thrawn sighed silently in resignation.
***
Thrawn knocked on Eli’s medical room door, Eli answering immediately. “Come in,” he said in Sy-Bisti.
Thrawn stepped inside, Eli looking up from one of the many pieces of flimsi paper scattered around his bed and smiling, genuinely smiling. “Mitth'raw'nuruodo,” he greeted, quickly trying to organize all his papers as if it was something he should be ashamed of. “Sorry about the mess,” he said, switching to basic.
“Do not apologize to me,” Thrawn said, trying to sound reassuring even if he was sure his voice sounded bitter. He grabbed the chair he sat in last time, bringing it to Eli’s bedside. “May I sit next to you?”
Eli nodded, offering him a small smile still as Thrawn sat down.
“What are you working on?” Thrawn inquired, Eli scooting a little closer to the side of his bed before showing Thrawn some of the equations he was working on.
“Same book as last time,” he filled in, Thrawn studying it closely as Eli spoke again. “I’m glad you visited again,” he suddenly said, Thrawn looking up at him and studying him as Eli suddenly switched topics. Eli stared back at him, his smile fading. “Was that inappropriate to say?” Eli asked, also studying Thrawn’s facial expression in return.
Thrawn shook his head after a moment. “I am…simply confused as to why.”
Eli huffed at him. “Well, you’re one of the only people who sit down and talk to me about something other than my medical condition,” he said, offering a small smile before pausing. “Not to uh, guilt you into talking to me or anything.”
Thrawn looked back down at Eli’s equations, suddenly feeling guilty for reasons he could not understand. “Do you…wish to speak about that?”
“Speak about what?” Eli asked. “My boredom?” he asked as if it was a joke.
“Perhaps…perhaps about how I could help? Are there any topics you wish to speak to me about?” He asked, looking back up to Eli who was smiling slightly at him in a way that made Thrawn’s heart squeeze painfully in his chest.
“You,” he said. “Last time I asked about you just told me about us,” he said, giving him that painfully genuine smile.
“You are a part of who I am,” Thrawn admitted to both Eli and himself only to regret it when it made Eli frown. Thrawn spoke again before Eli could possibly apologize again. “I would also like to mention that I would prefer you call me Thrawn,” he said, knowing he may regret it later but unable to let Eli continue to use his full name in such a formal way.
“Then you can call me Eli,” Eli said.
“Eli,” Thrawn said, the name feeling odd on his tongue and yet pleasing to hear. He had always liked the sound of Eli’s name. “You wish to know more about me?” He inquired again. Eli nodded, Thrawn having to think for a moment.
“What are your hobbies?” Eli asked, Thrawn a bit surprised by this.
“I enjoy art,” he said, Eli smiling at him.
“You seem like you would. Not that I can name why,” he said, studying him.
Thrawn smiled ever so slightly as he thought about one of the better moments in their shared history. “I would often tell you about pieces I enjoyed and their perceived meaning,” he informed. “We would frequently attend art exhibits and museums on shore leaves,” he said, Eli nodding in partial understanding.
“We would take leaves together…from uh…the navy?” He asked, Thrawn nodding in confirmation. “So, we were good friends then?” Eli asked, Thrawn wondering how deeply he should explain things and how the way he described their friendship may make him appear.
“I would have liked to believe so,” he said, admitting to such quietly. “You were always a very good listener when it came to my interests,” he said quietly.
“What did I used to like?” Eli asked, staring at him like Thrawn held the answer to his every question.
Thrawn smiled slightly again. “Math topics,” he said, motioning to what Eli was currently working on. “You, of course, had other interests as well with math simply being the most relevant to your career,” he informed as he thought about all he knew about Eli. It was too much to share in one session and yet Thrawn would try his best to try and cover his most important memories. “You enjoyed learning new languages. When we would travel to new planets you would often try and learn bits and pieces of their native languages. You were very skilled at it,” Thrawn complimented, thinking deeply on some of Eli’s other little hobbies. “I believe you enjoyed fantasy novels to some extent, although you always seemed too embarrassed to share too much about them,” he said. “I remember they were often from your home planet, Lysatra, and I would commonly try to learn more about your home culture based on how you explained each book,” Thrawn recalled fondly, continuing and telling Eli about one of Eli’s favorite books he had shared with Thrawn, one in which this cowboy falls in love with an outsider. He also shared some of the stories about the Chiss Eli had told him, Eli finding these stories very pleasing to hear and in his words, ‘very familiar.’ Thrawn once again found himself surprised when Eli somehow managed to guess the plot to one of those stories, making him wonder if it was simply a good guess or if it was a slip of past memories.
“Tell me more about us, the types of things we would do together,” Eli had requested a short while later, Then trying not to let himself feel too hurt as he went over the extensive memories he had with Eli, some of his favorites and some of the ones he had never let Eli know had affected him so deeply. He was in the middle of sharing a story when he caught Eli giving him a fond smile, one that made his heart inexplicably skip a beat a moment. He stopped talking and stared at him a moment. Eli laughed at him slightly. “Why’d you stop?”
“No reason,” he said, clearing his throat when Eli interrupted him again.
“I can see why I cared about you so much,” Eli said suddenly, smiling at him with that agonizingly genuine smile.
Thrawn coughed again in surprise. His throat tightened and he could feel a slight amount of heat under his cheeks and on the tips of his ears. He wanted to hear Eli say it again and yet, at the same time, almost felt the need to scold this version of Eli for saying it at all. 'If only he knew,’ the familiar thought repeated in his mind once again.
“Are Chiss not usually so blunt with emotions?” Eli asked, staring at him with a slightly concerned expression.
Thrawn shook his head slightly.
“I’m sorry-”
“Do not apologize to me,” Thrawn reminded him again.
Eli, thankfully, smiled a little again. “Whatever you say, sir,” he said in a joking tone, even if the use of the word ‘sir’ made Thrawn feel like they were in the Chimaera all over again, like Eli had been injured and they were simply in the med ward together.
Eli huffed as he looked somewhere to the side of Thrawn. “You realize you’ve been here an hour and a half talking to me?” Eli asked, motioning to the clock next to his bed.
Thrawn’s eyes widened. “I had not.”
“I suppose I should let you go now then,” he said, Eli looking a bit put out by this. Thrawn nodded, standing as he tried to hide his frown. “Do you uh…think maybe you’d be willin’ to visit again sometime?”
Thrawn turned to him, looking him in the eyes as if trying to read his every thought. “Would it make you happy?”
Eli nodded, looking confused. “‘Course it would. Why wouldn’t it?”
“I am…simply making sure,” Thrawn commented even as his mind continuously reminded him of Eli glaring at him after Thrawn’s rescue, the look of concern that faded immediately after he found out Thrawn was okay. The cold stares…the brief, heated conversation they had before Eli’s capture.
“I spent years with you, how could I not wanna spend time with you now?” Eli asked, so innocently, so cluelessly.
Thrawn simply looked away. “I may visit tomorrow,” he said before leaving the room, unable to say anymore to the man who was once again unintentionally making him feel more than he should. He startled slightly when he felt someone grab his wrist. He quickly turned, a young girl who looked beyond familiar staring at him. “Un’hee,” he filled in, the girl nodding with a very serious expression.
“How much does he remember? Did your visit help? Is he okay?” She asked frantically, as if scared he would shove her away.
Thrawn hesitated. “He is…in a good mood.” he paused. “His memory is still greatly lacking,” he murmured regretfully.
“But are your visits helping, does he seem to remember anything at all?” Un’hee asked frantically.
Thrawn shook his head. “All I can tell you is that he seems to think that I am familiar to him.”
Un’hee nodded quickly. “You’re going to keep visiting, right?” She asked desperately, looking him in his eyes, looking into his very soul.
Thrawn stared at her, accepting his fate to continue this potentially useless mission even before Un’hee begged him to. “I will continue.”