Work Text:
She knew she should fight back
Yell or move away or hit him
Something, anything
But she didn’t
The second his hand landed on her thigh, she froze
She shut down
She could have easily moved, said she wasn’t ready
She could have even fought him off, if necessary
She knew she could
But she didn’t
And suddenly, she was back there
In his room
Still the same little girl, scared and alone
So alone
Still the same, all these years later
No matter how much she trained in self defense
No matter how much she told herself that she’d moved on
It would always be the same
The same hands, venturing to far, holding her down
The same face, smiling and telling her to be quiet
And she always was
She learned to be quiet all of the time, to take up less space
To breathe silently enough that he would think she was asleep
To let the tears roll down her cheeks without so much as a sniffle
To live as a ghost of the girl she once was
Because that’s what he wanted
She started to shy away from touch
Her mother wondered why she never wanted to hug her anymore
She could see the hurt in her mothers eyes, how much pain it caused
And it caused her pain too,
Because no matter what she told herself, she wanted to hug her mom
She wanted to hug her so, so bad
She wanted nothing more than for her mother to hold her tightly in her arms as she sobbed
For her to whisper that everything was going to be okay as she carded gentle fingers through her hair
But how did she explain that she simply couldn’t bring herself to do it?
That every touch now seemed malicious?
That every hug, every high-five, every kiss on the forehead now seemed like a trap?
They were just waiting for her to let her guard down
Because she had no other use
Not really
Every other interaction was just formalities
She knew what they really wanted
And it hurt
So when that hand started sliding up, she froze
Years later, different boy
Same reaction
Every.
Single.
Time.
And the worst part was,
It wasn’t his fault
Not really
It was hers
She could’ve said no
He probably would’ve listened (right?)
After all, he was her boyfriend
She could’ve said no
But she didn’t
Because it never mattered before
Hands would slide over her mouth if she protested before
Or those hands would clamp down around her neck
Until she couldn’t breathe, let alone speak
Until everything went dark
She always hated the dark
It scared her
Nothing good ever happens in the dark.
But this dark was kind of nice
She couldn’t see or feel what was happening to her body
Nothing could hurt her here
She started making it go dark on her own,
When things got to be too much
Even if she didn’t really black out
Her mind did
When someone brushed against her and the hands came back,
Moving along her skin in all the places they shouldn't
Nobody could see them
Nobody could hear them
But she could
So she let her mind go dark,
Allowed herself to float in the comforting nothingness
It was just like her,
Nothing.
She was just a toy to be played with
To be used by her owner however they pleased
And when they were done,
She was discarded
She was all used up
Disgusting.
Broken.
Useless.
Helpless.
She was unfixable and she knew it
And that hurt
God it hurt
But objects don’t feel, and that’s what she was
Nothing more than a play thing
So she bottled it up
And she tried so hard to please
To help
To be useful
To be more than what she was made for
She wanted so desperately for someone, anyone, to be proud of her
To need her
To want her
But objects don’t want, don’t desire, don’t feel
No one was ever proud of her anyway
And no one ever would be
So she let it go dark again (just like he made her light go dark)
One last time.