Chapter Text
It had been almost two months since it happened, yet it only felt like a few days ago.
All of the Shiratorizawa Volleyball Club members knew what had happened that day, but none of them really dared to speak of it. It was almost like an unspoken curse, something unmentionable, completely taboo.
Even then, they didn’t know how the hell to even bring the topic up, because it wasn’t something you could just start talking about like Tendou with his Shonen Jump, or Semi with his electric guitar.
Everyone knew, but whenever they were questioned by other students out of curiosity about why there was an ambulance on campus a while back, none of them would answer truthfully, avoid the question completely, or pretend not to know anything about the matter.
But they all knew one thing, they all knew who they had to be careful around, walking on eggshells when it came to self-depreciating jokes, advice, or potential triggers. They knew that one wrong joke or move could result in him relapsing. They took care of him more, kept a more watchful eye on him in various ways. It was like their unspoken duty as his upperclassmen.
What had happened a few months ago was that Goshiki Tsutomu had been admitted to the hospital from a suicide attempt, with his past records of no reported self-harm or mental health issues, it was no surprise that this left a permanent stain on the Shiratorizawa member’s minds because of how sudden it was.
None of them ever wanted to see their teammate—especially their underclassman that they treated like a younger brother, ever like that ever again. Seeing Goshiki in so much pain that he couldn’t express it to his upperclassman made the team feel horribly worried about him, especially when he was this loud, passionate, and determined kid that almost never gave up.
In the backs of their heads, they all wondered just how long this had been going on, was he hiding his genuine feelings this entire time, and who got him to break?
Some knew who got him to break, but they didn’t dare speak about it.
All these questions kept on piling up so they all silently swore to keep a better eye on him and to help him out when he needed it.
Tendou even went as far as to making a group chat without him in it, deeming it as their ”Goshiki Protection Agency”, something Shirabu found to be a little ridiculous with the chat name, but ultimately didn’t find himself too bothered with the idea.
The group chat was made to monitor Goshiki’s mental and emotional wellbeing and post tips about interactions that could potentially warrant more concern, although Tendou would just send a lot of memes and off-topic stuff in there. But Tendou was Tendou and he did care, he just didn’t show it the way you’d expect.
Ushijima would help him out more with his line-shots and even encouraged their friendly rivalry, firing him up to Shirabu’s annoyance but also slight relief. Semi, Reon, and Yamagata would invite him to hang out during weekend breaks, Tendou would lend him his Shonen Jump Mangas, and Shirabu would help tutor him whenever he needed help on his homework.
But despite how much better things were getting, were still harsh on Shirabu’s mind. Everyone was dismissing what happened months ago, or moving on, but Kenjirou couldn’t let go of what happened that day or what he saw.
That day when he found Goshiki.
It had been a normal start to the day, he woke up at 6:30am sharp, got ready, went to morning practice for about an hour, took a shower, went to his morning classes until 12. He ate lunch with Taichi in the main hall until 12:50, finished his afternoon classes at 2, and studied in the Student Center for about half an hour until 3:30. Going to afternoon practice was just part of his routine, this was his standard day.
He was going to stay after practice for about half an hour before leaving to go to the library to revise, review, study, and finish up schoolwork. Afterwards he would plan to get dinner from the cafeteria and then go back to the dorm and prepare for the next day.
When he walked into that gym, he took note of a strange quietness, and despite the sound of Tendou’s voice filling about half the room besides the sounds of Volleyballs smacking the ground and Coach Washijou scolding the poor first year rookies, something felt off.
The First-year training camp had ended a day prior, so there weren’t any other students from the other schools over here anymore, although Shirabu wished there was so that this gym wouldn’t feel so oddly liminal.
He still found it a little funny how that little ginger from Karasuno even made it to Shiratorizawa, after all, it was said that he lived on a mountain about an hour and a half away. The dedication was incredible, truly it was.
And Shirabu ended up tracing it all back to that bowl-cut brat. Where the hell was he anyways.
He glanced around the gym, seeing no familiar bad haircut (friendly-fire), around the area as he walked closer to Tendou and Ushijima.
”Ah! Shirabu, Mr. Bowlcut number Two. Here to seek some wisdom from your Seniors?” Tendou playfully teased much to the Sandy haired setter’s visible annoyance. Ushijima nodded in his direction. “Hello Shirabu.”
“Say, do you guys know where Tsutomu is? He hasn’t arrived here yet, he didn’t mention he had something beforehand.” Shirabu questioned.
Tendou felt confused. “No? He might be studying for some test, First-years get a lot of tests, but him choosing willingly to study is quite abnormal. That guy always chooses Volleyball over his studies and faces the consequences afterwards.”
”Shirabu is right. Usually Goshiki is one of the first to arrive to the gym. He’s never late unless if he says so, or will arrive 15 minutes later at most.” Ushijima cut in, the two boys agreeing with the Great Ace as Shirabu tried to find a way that would impress Ushiwaka.
”I can go search for him Ushijima.” He was suddenly really perky, the Ace nodding and wishing him good luck on his adventures as Tendou waved him off in his own eccentric way.
As Kenjirou left the gym, he suddenly got a strange urge to check the First-year’s dorms first. A gut feeling of some kind, it was practically tugging at him as he decided to listen to his gut, making his way to the Dorm buildings.
He had a spare copy of Goshiki’s keys, and vice-versa, well everyone in the team did. It was a way to show how close the group truly was as Shirabu reminisced on the halls he lived in last year. Damn, they needed to replace the paint on the wall.
Once he made it to Goshiki’s dorm room, he had knocked once as the light to his dorm was on. But there had been no answer as he had tried to knock again, but yet again there was no reply.
”Goshiki. I know you’re in there, come on out and go to practice, why aren’t you at practice.”
This was enough, the uncanny silence was making the boy feel more and more uncomfortable by the minute as Shirabu had took the key and unlocked his door. “Come on out, everyone is waiting for you.” Which was partially a lie.
The moment he cracked Goshiki’s door open and made his way inside, he was met with a horrific sight.
Goshiki had been half sitting half-laying on the ground, a medicine bottle rolling around by his desk, as a poorly hidden box cutter was pushed underneath a chair. Shirabu couldn’t forget the sight of small drops of blood staining his shorts and the unraveled bandages sitting beside him which only confirmed his suspicions even further.
And oh his face was so pale. He glanced up at Shirabu and that look in his eyes made the elder break. He had closed Goshiki’s door and had rushed over to the poor kid, holding him in a tight hug as he jumbled over his words.
Just thinking about it now, he couldn’t quite recall what he said to the kid, but he knew that Tsutomu had tried to fight back when Shirabu called the paramedics and Tendou. He vaguely recalled backhanding the poor boy, which he did feel sorry about.
It was new. Shirabu wasn’t the type of guy that liked to initiate physical contact with others. Usually it was done to him with a simple pat on the back, grabbing of the shoulders or hands, or a brief hug. So for him to be holding onto Goshiki like he was his only life line, it hurt. It hurt a lot.
Tendou and the first-year RA had came bolting into the room a few minutes later, the RA confirming that the paramedics were on the way before turning around to leave to do crowd control.
Tendou had knelt on the ground and had comforted the dark-haired boy the best he could as Shirabu pressed himself against the desk and tried not to make the situation worse for everyone.
Poor RA, he graduated only a year prior and was clearly unequipped to deal with such things. He made sure that the hallways were cleared up so the paramedics could wheel their stretcher into the building, which was nice because there was enough attention here already.
Shirabu didn’t want to watch when he saw Goshiki being wheeled out of the dorm, the sound of him pitifully sobbing as the Paramedics took him away. He could hear the sound of their sirens blaring as they faded away, sitting there in silence and look at what remained as Tendou returned back to the dorm, standing over him for a moment as he needed a moment to breathe.
”Shirabu, let’s go back to the clubroom.” There was no playfulness in his tone and it was obvious he was crying too, although not as hysterically as Kenjirou was.
The boy didn’t have the strength to even bite back, allowing his Senior to help him up and letting him embrace him in a hug for a brief moment as the two walked back to the club room after wiping their faces off the best they could.
When they had entered, the room had been full of their club members changing back into their regular school outfits, they looked over at the pair and their faces were riddled with a strange concern.
“What? What’s happening, is practice over?” Shirabu questioned, he knew he looked like an absolute mess right now but he didn’t care.
”Woah what happened? Coach cancelled practice suddenly, we don’t know why. Assistant Coach Saito ran out of the gym and we heard ambulance sirens outside by one of the dorms.” Reon commented, the other members of the team nodded in agreement.
”Did you find Goshiki?” Ushijima asked. A simple question, but Shirabu had been torn to shreds, crumbling on the ground as he broke down in tears.
The entire team was at a loss, they had seen Shirabu cry before but that was long ago when they lost to Karasuno at the Finals, but this was new. “Hey man, crying ain’t a good look on ya.” Semi teased, trying to make the boy return back to his bratty, snappy self to no success.
”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Ushijima responded, awkwardly standing over the setter as Shirabu waved at him, wordlessly telling him it was alright as Tendou approached the Ace. “Goshiki’s going to the hospital— the psychiatric ward most likely.”
”The psych ward?!” Yamagata and Semi shouted, turning their heads to look at the Middle blocker as he nodded, leaning against the lockers as he sat down by Shirabu.
”Holy shit, no way is he gonna be alright?”
”What happened even?”
”Oh my God…no…”
Shirabu didn’t feel like he could concentrate on anything until Taichi had got down and crouched by his side, a rock in this entire situation as he looked at the Setter.
”Come on, let’s go. I’ll buy you something from the school store.” Maybe this was what he needed as he got up and followed Taichi out the clubroom.
Shirabu had chosen a random bag of chips when they arrived at the store, wanting to get this over with as he hid behind a shelf as he pretended to be busy by reading food labels as Taichi roamed around and browsed the selection of treats. He felt lucky that there weren’t so many students roaming the school during this time, it was their study time or after-school activities. He couldn’t hide the fact that his eyes were red-rimmed with tears and his cheeks were flushed from all the crying he had been doing.
As Taichi was paying for the food, the Setter had accidentally overheard some students’ conversations about what happened a short while earlier.
”Hey… Hayashi… did you see that ambulance earlier?”
”Hm? What ambulance? Did something happen?”
”There were ambulance at the first-year’s dorm, I didn’t see what happened exactly because Coach yelled at me to get back to practice.”
”Ah dang, wonder what happened.”
”Yeah… I heard it was one of the First years?”
”A first year? That’s new, do you know who it was?”
”No clue...”
Shirabu was deathly quiet as he left the school store with the Middle Blocker and walked back to their dorm, sitting down on his bed as he zoned off staring at the wall.
”Do you wanna talk about what happened? Whatever happened, I’m here for you man.” Taichi questioned, sitting down besides the Setter as Shirabu wiped his eyes.
”It’s a lot. I don’t think I would be able to say it.” Shirabu muttered, his throat tightening as he realized just how socially stunted he was.
He was incredibly intelligent but yet when it came to expressing his feelings, he was physically unable to get the words out. He knew what he wanted to say, but yet it felt like it was stuck in his throat.
”That’s alright.” Taichi said, his tone gentle as he opened a bag of chips, offering some to the Setter to his refusal.
”Was it a medical emergency?”
Shirabu shook his head, hanging his head low as he looked away.
”He’s okay isn’t he, I hope he is.” Taichi muttered, trying to make small talk to no success.
”I said I don’t want to talk about it.” And that was the final end of their conversation.
That night Shirabu had laid in bed ruminating through what happened today.
He couldn’t imagine where Goshiki even was now. Which hospital he had been put in and how he was even feeling. But something that stuck out to him was the way that his teammates reacted to the news.
They were all so concerned about his wellbeing, they were so worried about him. Shirabu wondered if they would’ve done the same to him if he were the one in Goshiki’s position. Nope! Nope- Nope- Nope— This wasn’t a competition, so why did Kenjirou feel as if it had to be.
He wondered what they would say if they found out he was in a similar situation as their little First year, would they be as worried about him as they were for Tsutomu? What would they say? Would they even care?
Would they even care about him the way they did with Goshiki?