Work Text:
Therapist: What is it you’d like to talk about tonight, Osgood?
Osgood: Umm… Does the topic have to be work-related? I mean, it sort of is, but it’s not about a mission or anything.
T: You can talk about anything you’d like, anything that would be helpful for you.
O: Oh, that’s good. I’ve only used the UNIT therapy service for, like, alien-related things.
T: *chuckles* We’re here to support your mental health. If you have non-work troubles that might affect your ability to do your job or your general well-being, you’re welcome to discuss them.
O: And, um.
T: The same level of confidentiality applies. Anything you share with me stays between us, unless someone is at risk of harm.
O: Good. Phew! *pause* I’m not sure where to start.
T: How about with whatever brought this new topic to mind?
O: Sure, that works.
I saw a photo today, on the UNIT internal message-board. It was from that new support group that Kate’s set up, for the Doctor’s ex-companions.
I didn’t even know that was something in the works until today.
Anyway, I think they took the photo to commemorate the first meeting. Kate, alongside faces I recognise from various UNIT archive files. Maybe they took the photo because that’s the only meeting Kate will actually attend? I don’t know what the plans are for UNIT’s presence at that group.
Once upon a time, I would have known. Kate would have kept me updated with the details. When we were in the same team, certainly. But even when I first moved to this archivist role, when we were all based in the Tower, she would come see me on breaks and we would catch up, talk about what we were both working on.
It’s a bit harder for her to stop by the archives on her coffee break now that she’s in the new offices. And I’m still in the Tower.
T: This photo reminded you of what’s changed in the last few years, then? That must have felt unsettling.
O: Unsettling sounds about right. I mean, there’s already a… spookiness to working in the Tower. And I don’t mean the ghost stories that the Yeoman Warders tell the tourists!
I’ve worked there for, what, nearly fifteen years at this point? There’s a lot of memories there. Colleagues who are no longer with us. *sharp intake of breath* And people who have moved on to other jobs. Bigger and better things.
UNIT is going on to bigger and better things. Which is great, our work is important and it’s brilliant that the powers that be are now funding us properly. The new HQ they’ve got planned is a great idea.
I just feel… left out. Sorry, that probably sounds daft. We’re not on a playground.
T: That’s how you feel, it’s not daft. Are you reconsidering your current role at UNIT?
O: I don’t think so. I like the archiving work – I’m good at it, and it is important. When I think of the number of objects we used to have stored away with no clue what they were, I shudder! There’s been quite a few incidents in recent years where the information or technology my team has worked on has been the thing that made the difference between success and failure of a mission.
There was a learning curve, when I first transferred into this role. It was shortly after the Zygon ceasefire issues. Good timing really – this role came up and it was a good move in terms of seniority, career progression, all that. But also. I was glad to be in a slightly… safer role.
(Well, we still go out in the field on retrieval missions, and lend technical support when needed for emergencies. But you know what I mean.)
T: I do. Tell me about the learning curve.
O: It was different, being properly in charge of a team rather than being Kate’s right hand. I had to do people management training. That took a while to get used to – making more decisions myself, supporting others in their work.
And the team was mostly new people. New to me, anyway. It took a while to build up that rapport. I’d gotten so used to the old team – Kate, Vikram, Josh, Sam. They all knew how I think. I noticed differences in the flow of ideas when brainstorming a new project. It went less smoothly. I thought it was being more senior, at first. My team being less willing to jump in and contradict me or add to my ideas in my new role. I stand by that theory, for the most part.
But there was the personal rapport as well, sense of humour and all that. There’s several times I remember making some quip related to a past mission and reflexively looking for Kate to see what she thought. Took me a second to realise what I was looking for.
Maybe I had got too used to working with the same people.
T: That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know.
O: I suppose.
T: So, you’re happy in your current role now?
O: I’m half a dozen years in and I’ve settled in well, even if sometimes I feel like something’s missing. Like I’m only half alright.
But overall, I like this new role, I wouldn’t change it.
T: Were there any other reasons you felt left out when you saw that photo today?
O: I guess it reminded me… Kate’s been keeping me at arm’s length since. Um. A while back. And we’ve drifted apart even more now that we’re in our different roles, and with the restructuring that UNIT’s gone through.
T: *waits*
O: I should probably tell you the whole story, right?
T: It might be good to talk about it, yes. Especially as whatever-it-is is clearly bringing up some strong emotions for you.
O: Yes. Okay. This goes back to when I first started at UNIT. I was assigned to Kate’s department and pretty soon, we found that we worked well together. We just clicked, and before too long, I was her right hand person. At least for the science side of things.
We made a good team, and we grew closer outside that as well. You know how it is in this job – there’s a lot of time spent together outside of ‘normal’ working hours. Downtime during travel, waiting for analyses to run, going out for a drink after a crisis to work off the lingering adrenaline and decompress.
And somewhere in all that, I kissed her. Must be a good ten years ago at this point. We were in a bar but we’d barely taken two sips from our drinks. She laughed at some joke I made, some terrible pun that only Kate would laugh at, and I knew I had to at least try.
I still remember her face when I pulled away from the kiss. Her eyes stayed closed for a moment, and she pressed her lips together and for a second I hoped.
But, no. She was very nice about it, but she said that she couldn’t date a subordinate, that she has a strict rule about not mixing the personal and professional.
Which. Fair enough. Our work is important, and if we’d tried and then had a messy break-up… That could – quite literally – have been the end of the world.
*pause*
I sort of thought you might push back on that. Say that I’m being over-dramatic.
T: Are you exaggerating things, do you think?
O: *considers carefully* No. I don’t think I am.
After that evening, we settled back into our professional relationship pretty easily. Except… Kate was less inclined to talk about more personal topics. Before, we’d talk about all sorts – friends, family, hobbies. After, I still asked after her kids and her garden and all that. But the conversations felt more… Surface level. There was a tension in her that only dissipated when we were discussing work or general science – topics on the professional side of those boundaries.
T: That’s what you meant by “keeping you at arm’s length”.
O: Exactly.
T: And you said that now you’re in your new role, you and Kate have less contact?
O: Yes, that’s right.
I miss her. Can I say that?
T: *raises eyebrow*
O: Yes, yes, I know – “if that’s how you feel”.
Talking this all through has made me think… Kate was very specific, when I, um, kissed her. She didn’t want to date someone who she was directly working with. And, well, we don’t work together in the day-to-day any more.
I wonder… *deep breath* I wonder if I should try asking her out again. Revisit that old ghost.
****
Two weeks later
T: How are you doing tonight, Osgood?
O: I’m never sure what you expect me to say in response to that question.
T: Noted. It’s mainly a conversation starter. Do you have anything particular you’d like to talk about in this session?
O: Um, yes. I have some follow-up from our last session.
T: *encouraging nod*
O: I saw Kate. I reached out, asked if she wanted to grab a coffee and said I had something to discuss. We met up in a cafe halfway between the Tower and the new temporary offices.
I think she was expecting me to be asking advice on a work project, or proposing some new process or something. She had a notebook on the table in front of her.
I’d written out notes as well, of what I wanted to say. I, um, I told her that I missed working directly with her. That I missed her. She agreed with that – she sees the changes too.
I asked her if she remembers the night I kissed her. She went so still, the tiniest nod and something in her expression that I couldn’t read.
I asked if she would be interested in revisiting that. All the points you and I discussed last time, about no longer being so professionally intertwined.
*Looks down at her hands* She was very nice about it. Just like last time. A gentle rejection, but a rejection nonetheless.
She’s still technically my boss, after all – our commander-in-chief. It’s a lot of pressure on her shoulders as well. There’s people who would jump at the chance to smear her name for a relationship with a junior colleague, and a queer relationship at that.
T: Is that what she said? Or speculation?
O: Her words. Almost verbatim.
T: *nods* And how do you feel about that?
O: I think… I can live with this.
I’m glad I tried – both back then and now. Because now I can move on without that ‘what if’ hanging over me.
****
One year later
T: Is there anything from last session that you’d like to continue discussing today?
O: Not today. That project is going well, your strategies have been a great help.
*pause*
I have something else I should probably talk through with you. About the head of department meeting we had the other day.
It was my first time visiting the new HQ for an actual work event. Obviously, I was there for the grand opening.
The actual meeting went smoothly. It’s a really good idea, actually – having an in-person meeting to hear what other departments are doing and update them on the current Archive projects. It’s nice to see everyone, to catch up.
Mostly.
T: Mostly?
O: Kate walked into the meeting room and I nearly buckled under the weight of my feelings. Seeing her in person again, so comfortable in her new headquarters, perfectly in control and in charge. It brought everything back.
Time was, I’d had been two steps behind her at a meeting like that. I would have known all the details of her update before we even stepped in the room. Not any more.
I sound like a broken record.
I should be over this. I’ve moved on, you know I have.
T: *nods*
O: I’m with Josh now, and we’re happy, we are.
Hm. Saying it like that makes it sound like I don’t mean it, like I “doth protest too much”.
T: You can be happy and still have unresolved feelings around Kate, that’s understandable.
O: Can I? Oh, good.
Just… Seeing her across the room and knowing she was once the person I trusted most in the world. And that the same was true for her about me.
It’s not that that trust is gone. If we were in an emergency situation together, I would still trust her to have my back. It’s that we’re not in those crises together any more.
We’re both still part of UNIT. My work still serves her, like a tool at her belt. But it’s several degrees removed, and it’s just not the same.
I do wonder sometimes… Would we have drifted apart if I hadn’t told her about my feelings?
No. That way madness lies. I would rather have tried and failed, than not tried at all.
T: That’s a sensible attitude. But it’s okay to be emotional about the situation, even so.
O: *shaky* Good. *sniffs* Sorry, give me a couple of minutes and I’ll be fine.
T: Don’t apologise, this is what these sessions are here for. Let it all out.
Two minutes later
T: Any thoughts about how to move forward?
O: I think… I just have to keep going.
Talk this all over with Josh – he knows about my past with Kate already, of course. And I know he has similar feelings with having worked for UNIT for so long, he’s seen the same changes I have.
Continue with the good work we’re doing. Continue to help our colleagues in saving the world.
And, hopefully, there will come a day when I see the new HQ in the skyline and I won’t be reminded of how sometimes I feel like a ghost haunting the city. Those of us still at the Tower a remnant of the old UNIT and the ‘good old days’.
****
Six months later
T: How are you feeling today, Osgood?
O: I... I am angry.
T: Would you like to tell me about that?
O: What would you do if I said ‘no’? Hm? *shakes head* No, I know, I’m just kidding.
*long pause, furrowed brow, thinking*
I found out today that Kate is dating someone. Has been for several months now, by all accounts.
I was at HQ, conducting some interviews with the ex-companions – some oral histories for our archive records. And during a break, Mel and Donna were chatting and they mentioned that Kate has a holiday coming up. As does Colonel Ibrahim. They were being all nudge-nudge-wink-wink about it and I was confused, so I asked if I was missing something.
Turns out that Kate no longer has a hard-and-fast rule against dating her subordinate. Or maybe she never did, maybe she just wanted to let me down gently and that was a convenient excuse.
I know, I know, she could have changed her mind about the situation. I did wonder if this meant that her main reason not to date me was the idea of having to come out at work. But do you know what? *rough laugh* Donna also let slip that both Kate and the colonel are openly bisexual.
So.
T: I’m sorry, Osgood. I can understand why you’re angry.
O: The wound is still fresh. I’m so… fucking pissed off at her.
And yet, I still hope she’s happy. Sort of. There’s a part of me that hopes it will all crash and burn. That whats-his-face won’t measure up to what we had, way back when. That’s it’s not true love.
That sounds mean, do I mean that?
Right now, I do. It feels like I’ve been supplanted – both in this and as her right-hand person. I know it’s petty, but I hope that when she first kissed him, she was reminded of me.
T: Are there any feelings besides anger?
O: Of course there are. But the anger is what has allowed me to keep my composure ever since I found out.
Beyond the anger…
I’m left wondering what it was about me that meant she didn’t want to try something. All our intelligence, and we couldn’t think of a way to make things work.
Or, well, academic intelligence does not always match social intelligence. Certainly not for me.
*screws up face* No. No, I don’t want to spiral, or go backwards. I don’t want Kate’s choice to keep me a secret, to choose someone else to be equated with me feeling stupid, or damaged, or, or. Anything we’ve talked about previously.
It’s not like Kate’s perfect. She’s had her own personal disasters, I know that.
Maybe we just weren’t meant to be. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people.