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"I...I really like Kuduu..."
"...I know."
"So, your answer...?"
I...I couldn't listen to this. I shouldn't be listening to this. I can't do it. I'm not so strong.
From behind that curtain, I shifted, curling into a tighter ball. I wanted to shut it all out, their voices, everything, the world around me should just go away. My teeth sank deeper into my lip, preventing the scream in my throat from bubbling out.
If only I could be like Ayumi. If only I could just tell Kuduu how I felt too, maybe all this wouldn't have happened. I thought I could just back away, and let Ayumi have Kuduu. I thought I could be strong. I thought I could smile and wish them well from afar, and pretend I never felt anything for her.
I was wrong.
"I..."
Don't do it, Kuduu. Don't say it. Don't go to her. I love you. I'll tell you properly this time.
Please don't leave me.
"Ayumi, I..."
I couldn't see their faces from where I was. It was as if, behind this curtain, I lived only in a world of despair, of my own making. I was drowning in it, and all I could taste was metal on my tongue as tears threatened to overflow from within. I wanted everything to stop, to return to that one magical moment when I was in Kuduu's arms, and nothing else existed outside of us.
Why didn't I say anything then? Why couldn't I say it? It was just three little words.
Why did you walk away? And why did I let you?
Regrets. I have so many of them. I never wanted to let you go. I can't do this. I can't pretend to be the strong one. I can't stand seeing you with another girl.
Please. All I want, is just another chance with you.
"Yes, I li--"
Crash.
Sometimes, all you need is a little miracle. The curtain I had been hiding behind had gotten tangled around my leg. I hadn't been moving ever since they came in, but in my pain I shifted, and brought the flimsy contraption down on top of me. The metal pole struck against my forehead, and I cried out involuntarily, flinching away from the impact.
"Sayashi-san?!"
Woozily, I heard Kuduu's voice as if from a great distance. I felt like I was several metres underwater, and my vision swam. Blood was still warm on my tongue, slick from my abused lip. Insanely, I wondered if I was in an alternate universe, where all the rules were different.
Maybe, in this new world, I could be strong. Yes, strong enough to tell Kuduu how I really felt.
A familiar warmth, and a familiar embrace. My vision sharpened back into focus, and I found myself looking into worried eyes.
Kuduu, you're so close. Am I dreaming? I feel like I can just reach out and touch you. So I did, questing fingers coming to cup one side of your face. Are you real? Is this real?
I don't even dare to hope.
"Sayashi-san...?" Kuduu's voice was pitched lower than usual, and as gentle as I've ever heard. It wavered ever so slightly, uncertain, and hitched when my thumb caressed her cheek gently.
"Does it hurt?" Her voice was thick with concern and worry and something else I couldn't identify. "You're bleeding..."
Her fingers brushed against my torn lip, a familiar ghost of a touch. The familiarity of it, the remembrance of her lips against mine, that day outside the karaoke room, brought tears to my eyes. That time, I should have returned your embrace. I should have held on and never let go.
Is it too late to try again?
"Kuduu, I..."
"Sayashi-san. What were you doing there?"
A cold voice penetrated the protective cocoon that had sprung up around us. It pierced the dream-like haze that was laid over me, waking me to the fact that I was in an empty dance studio with Kuduu and Ayumi, while the two had been in the process of confessing their feelings for each other.
What was I doing? What place did I have? My eyes slid past Kuduu's worried expression to rest on the icy gaze Ishida Ayumi was directing at me. Her fists were clenched tight, and I swallowed hard.
I had promised her not to take Kuduu away from her. She made me promise her. And I...but I...
I can't do it. Ayumi-chan, you said you couldn't live without Kuduu. You cried and begged me not to take her away. I promised you because I thought I could be strong on my own. I really wanted to keep my promise. I really did!
My heart was breaking. My soul was being rent apart. Some of it must have shown on my face, the pure anguish inside too fierce to be contained. A part of me was dimly aware that I was crying again, though I didn't realize until Kuduu drew me close, allowing me to sob against her shirt, my fist balling on its hem. I didn't dare to look up to see the betrayal in Ayumi's face that I knew had to be there. I still hadn't said anything, but Kuduu's protectiveness of me had to be like a slap in the face.
"Ayumin, not now." Kuduu's voice was deceptively calm, but I could feel the trembling in her body, pressed as I was against it. I was scared, I realized. My resolve to tell Kuduu that I loved her was wavering. I struggled against my own cowardice, my promise to Ayumi, and the secret underlying fear that Kuduu would prefer Ayumi over me.
I was afraid of putting that choice in front of Kuduu. I was afraid of making myself vulnerable, the way Ayumi had made herself open and vulnerable...and available.
That's right. Kuduu couldn't choose me because she didn't know I was a choice. But...I was afraid. I was afraid to gamble and lose. I don't gamble, you see. I play to win. And if I'm not sure I can win, I don't play at all.
That was what held me back at the karaoke place. I couldn't throw myself into the game. Not like Ayumi did. I am a coward. I'm not strong at all. What made me think I was strong enough to do this?
"You still haven't answered me, Kuduu." Ayumi's voice was shaking. I clutched Kuduu's shirt tighter, as if it were a life buoy, and I, a drowning sailor in a storm. Kuduu must have felt my tension, because she laced one hand into one of mine, gripping it reassuringly.
This is why I love you, you see. Your kindness, your strength, I love it all. I love it so much it hurts. Do you understand? I'm not strong at all. I need to lean on you when I'm weak like this.
I need you so much I'm scared of it. Ne, Kuduu, do you know how much I love you?
"Ayumin..." Kuduu hesitated, looking down at me. I made the mistake of looking up at the same moment, and our gazes met in a repetition of that day. Kuduu's eyes were flashing with pain and guilt as they dropped down to focus on my bruised lips. She had stolen a kiss from me that day, and while I didn't mind at all, I hadn't been able to convey those feelings.
The regret burned in me like white hot flames. Unwittingly, I tightened my grip on Kuduu, snaking my arms around her waist. She started a little, some surprise registering in the same dark eyes I loved so much.
Ayumi-chan, I hate losing too. Did you know that?
"Kuduu, I..." The words caught in my throat, and my voice grated like nails on rusted steel.
"Don't leave me." Ayumi whispered, but it sounded like a thunderclap in that confined space. Both of us froze, and I felt frost crawl up my spine.
"Kuduu, I love you so much. Please don't leave me." Ayumi whimpered again. She was shaking, and her eyes were fixed directly on us.
"Ayumin, you..." Kuduu wavered, first turning to look at her, then back down at me. A broken sob came from the older girl, and Kuduu winced. Guilt flashed across her face again.
The me outside the karaoke place would have let her go again then. I almost did. But then Ayumi went on.
"Sayashi-san, please don't do this to me. Please..."
How dare you make this my fault, Ishida Ayumi. How dare you.
You're not the only one suffering here. And even now, Kuduu is...
I never wanted to hurt anyone. Much less the one I love. But to let her go like this, without even a word, when she's right here with me...how much more pathetic could that be?
I'm done being a coward. I'm done crying over everything. I might not be strong, but I refuse to be this weak. I am Sayashi Riho, and I refuse to lose to someone like you.
"You're not the only one who loves her."
The words slipped out so easily, I surprised even myself. My voice was shaking with repressed rage, and the abrasion on my lip fed my building anger. Blood on my lips, blood on my tongue, a world stained red. My colour, the colour I didn't want before. It was the only thing sustaining me now.
Kuduu rocked back visibly at my words, a look of stunned amazement on her face. There was shock there, and...hope? Fear? Excitement? She was looking directly at me now, a mix of so many emotions raw on her face. I felt my cheeks flush, and I averted my eyes, my momentary courage unable to face her earnest gaze.
"Sayashi-san...?" Kuduu murmured tentatively. Our hands were still joined, and I felt her give it a squeeze comfortingly, hidden out of sight by our bodies. I drew strength from that simple contact, and the fact that the words I had spoken were already like a crack in the dam that had formed my previous silence.
"I-I..." I stuttered, cursing my own tongue. "I lo--like you too, Kuduu."
I couldn't face her. I didn't dare to look into her eyes. Funny, since she basically still had one arm around me while the other was interwined with one of mine.
"Really?" Kuduu's voice shone with wonder. And hope. Her hand gripped mine more tightly, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of my hand. I shivered, and managed the smallest of nods.
Then I suddenly found myself crushed against Kuduu, who was trembling with emotion.
"Sayashi-san, I..."
"You PROMISED! How could you! I trusted you!"
Ayumi's scream tore through the room, and I found myself knocked away from Kuduu, with a dishevelled Ayumi falling to her knees between the two of us. Her glare, directed at me, was filled with betrayal and something bordering on outright hatred. I flinched from that stare, biting back down on my already injured lip and winced again.
"I'm sor--"
SLAP
I fell backwards from the blow, my ears ringing from the force of it. Then Ayumi was hovering over me, and I closed my eyes, my arms coming up to shield myself...
"That's enough, Ishida."
I opened one eye slowly. The shadow over me was gone, and now Kuduu was...holding Ayumi back? Ayumi seemed to go limp in Kuduu's arms, turning to bury her face in Kuduu's shirt, but Kuduu took her by the shoulders and pushed her away gently.
"Kuduu, I don't know what came over me, oh god, I'm so sorry...I just couldn't..."
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, Ayumin."
Me? I crawl to my feet shakily, still in a wary stance from the obviously still unbalanced Ayumi. She seemed to be in a somewhat better shape with Kuduu's hands still on her shoulders, but the fact that Kuduu had rejected her embrace cheered me up considerably. Also, to my shame, I felt a small stab of glee at the disappointed expression Kuduu had on when she was looking at Ayumi.
I know, it's small and mean of me to feel this way, and I immediately felt guilty for even thinking it. If I thought about it logically, I guess I deserved that slap. I did promise her that I wouldn't interfere. Oh god, I had even told her to 'go for it', and now here I was, stealing Kuduu for myself...
Well, it wasn't stealing if she didn't have Kuduu to begin with? And Kuduu hasn't actually chosen me yet, really...
"Ayumi-chan..." I started, then stopped. I wasn't sure what to say to her. I was sorry about breaking my promise, but I wasn't sorry about confessing my feelings to Kuduu. On the contrary, I felt such a great relief that it was all out there in the open. That I didn't have to bear the full weight of it on my own.
Whatever happened next, I've already done what I could. I can live with the consequences now, I think. Even if Kuduu doesn't like me back, at least I know I tried.
"Sayashi-san. Why did you promise me if you were going to do something like this anyway? Was it fun for you? Did you even care how I felt? Or did you just want to watch me fail?"
"Ayumi-chan, I wasn't trying to..."
"It's fine. Everything's fine now. You win, alright? You've already won from the start. Happy now? Even though I love Kuduu so much, it was all for nothing, because she was always looking only at you..."
What? Kuduu was? I look surreptitiously over at the girl in question. Kuduu's face was a conflict of emotions, and when her gaze met mine, I saw for the first time, clearly, all the yearning in her eyes. Directed at me.
I felt a pang of sorrow. Not for myself, but for Ayumi. All this time, I thought that Kuduu liked Ayumi, so I had placed myself out of reach in order not to interfere with them, so I understood the pain of unrequited love. I couldn't hate her, not when I knew how she felt.
Ayumi had slumped to the ground, weeping with all the energy gone out of her shoulders. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had crossed the short distance over to her and embraced her.
What was I doing? I don't know. But I felt bad. I knew her pain, and no one should have to suffer like this. Pity? She would hate it, coming from me. But I felt her pain like my own, and I had no more words to give.
One fist pounded without any real force against my shoulder, several times, before the fist fell open into an open-handed clutch against my jersey. She was bawling now, and in between sobs I could hear words like "hate you" and "don't do this". Above all, I heard a "how could you, Sayashi-san?" repeated over and over.
Another pair of arms enveloped the both of us. I looked up, and saw Kuduu kneeling next to me. Her face was sad now, though there was a spark of something -- dare I call it affection? -- as she looked at me. Neither of us said a word as we held the sobbing Ayumi between us, the only sign of our acknowledged feelings in the way her hand rested on mine.
This is enough for me right now, I think. I don't know what will happen from now on, but right now, I can live with the fact that Kuduu does like me back. Even if nothing can happen immediately, at least I'm no longer afraid. Because I know you have my back, always had.
Ne, Kuduu? Walk with me a little further down this road? Be patient with my little fears.
I love you, and I always will. So, just wait a little longer?
We have time, and forever starts now.