Work Text:
Each person in the office has their own special thing. That is how the universe works.
For example, Kirsten's thing is knitting behind the front desk when she thinks no one's looking. Gibson's thing is complaining about never getting to see his wife and kids. Matthew's thing is drawing weird cartoon figures of people, Joe's thing is having a dubious connection to the Mafia, and Shemar's thing is being black.
A.J.'s thing is being competent at her job, which makes her considerably less interesting than her co-workers but also indispensable to workplace productivity.
Paget has only been at the office for two weeks, which is usually too soon to tell what exactly her thing is. At first they thought it might be Dressing Like a Slut, but on her third day she showed up in her pajamas carrying a fish purse and took a four-hour lunch break, so they reconsidered and decided it was Actively Trying to Get Fired. She then celebrated her first week by smearing Vaseline on every single doorknob in the building, and on the tenth day, she came into work announcing that she had just flashed her boobs at the falafel guy from downstairs.
"It was for a good cause," she explained.
"MADD?" Matthew suggested.
"No, even better: free falafels."
After two weeks, it is evident to A.J. that Paget's thing is to be cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, impossibly and inexplicably attractive, and (hopefully) single.
Paget manages to arrive on time for her fifteenth day, which confuses everybody and their morning routine dissolves into utter chaos.
"I'm so sorry, honey," Kristin says. "We forgot your bagel."
"Because you're never here this early," Matthew says.
Joe pats his arm patiently and reminds him about trying harder to pick up on social cues.
"Here," A.J. says, before any of her co-workers can make the situation even more awkward. "You can have mine. I've got a coffee, so I'm good."
"Thank you!" Paget smiles winningly as she takes the bagel from A.J. Their fingers touch for a second, and A.J. is suddenly, unequivocally convinced that she is going to die. There is no way her heart can beat that fast without going into cardiac arrest. She's seen it on House.
Fortunately, Matthew manages to distract her out of her tachychardia. "Your face is turning really red," he comments thoughtfully. "You are either having a stroke, or you're sexually aroused."
"Shut up, Matthew," says A.J.
They go back to work as if nothing has happened. Around eleven, Paget appears at A.J.'s desk and asks, "Do you want to have lunch? I know this place where they serve drinks in these containers that look like severed heads."
"Severed heads?"
"They're not creepy, I swear. And the gnocchi is really good."
"Um, okay," A.J. hears herself saying, even though the rational part of her realizes that this is a terrible idea, because 1.) Paget is crazy, 2.) A.J. has made a pact with herself after Lola that she isn't going to be attracted to crazy anymore, 3.) having lunch with Paget, who is crazy, will not help A.J. in becoming less attracted to Paget, who is crazy, and 4.) severed heads? Really? Did A.J. learn nothing from Lola?
"Cool. I'll make a reservation."
No sooner has Paget disappeared into her cubicle when Bernero storms out of the elevator, yelling, "WHO STOLE ALL THE LIGHTBULBS FROM THE SIXTH FLOOR?"
A.J. is so screwed.