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Only the usually soft noises of the Anaheim Coves filled the thick silence between Pavel and Leo–crickets, frogs, and the wet plop of fish jumping from the water.
The stars scatter light around the sky, the moon barely shining through the thick clouds.
There are so many words they would like to say, but the giant knots in both of their throats prevent them. They never look at each other out of fear that if they do, it would result in tears they couldn’t stop.
Neither want what could possibly be their last time hanging out together to be tearful.
The water is calm, cold on their toes. The complete opposite of the storms brewing in Pavel and Leo’s minds.
“Pavel,” Leo whispers breathlessly, followed by a shaky exhale. When Pavel glances over at Leo, he sees Leo’s eyes closed, chin to his chest. His shoulders are hunched in, shaking on every breath. He looks nothing like his usual self–confident, assured, comfortable in his skin. “I really don’t want you to go.”
Pavel isn’t sure what to say to that.
He’s never really been good with words.
But Leo deserves more than his usual dismissive ‘yeah.’
Especially since this could be their last time together.
“I know,” he says, “but I can’t control that.”
Leo nods.
“Do you think you’re..” Leo trails off, snapping his head over to look at Pavel. His eyes are so wide and earnest, desperate for Pavel to assure him he isn’t going anywhere. He’ll stay in Anaheim until he retires.
Pavel wishes he could give Leo that reassurance, but how could he when not even he knows?
“I don’t know.”
“You have to know!” Leo insists, sitting up straighter. His voice is much more strained. It’s clear he’s doing everything in his power to not cry. He and Pavel pinky promised they wouldn’t cry. “How could you not know?”
“It’s not my job,” Pavel mutters, looking back down to the shimmering lake in front of them. He can’t bear to look at Leo anymore. “My job is to play hockey, and they aren’t letting me do that.”
Leo doesn’t look away from Pavel. He tries to commit every aspect of Pavel’s face to memory–the smooth bridge of his nose that rounds into the tip of his nose, long eyelashes, thin lips, the mole on his ear lobe.
“You should get that pierced,” Leo states, staring at the mole.
Pavel turns his head slightly, looking at Leo through the corner of his eye. “What?”
“The mole on your ear,” Leo points at it, “you should pierce it.”
“Get a needle,” Pavel grins, biting his bottom lip. “I would let you.”
Pavel is quiet for a while. The two of them just look at each other, eyes shining, grinning ear to ear.
Pavel’s eyes trace Leo’s features. All of them. The tiny ones that Leo doesn’t even know about, and all the obvious ones that girls love. Pavel loves all of them.
“I would let you do so much to me,” Pavel admits, his voice breaking. Tears threaten to fall, but he doesn’t let them. He won’t be the one to break their pinky promise.
“I think that scares me the most,” he continues, “I wouldn’t let anyone else see me like this. I–If I leave, I’ll be leaving you. I’ll be leaving the one guy who I trust with everything.”
Leo’s lower lip trembles. He scrunches his nose as he sniffles.
Pavel tries to continue speaking, but the words get caught in his throat. He can’t express his feelings to Leo. Not when he could be leaving.
There is no way that he, morally, could say the words he’s been thinking for three years, and then just leave.
“Pavel?”
“Leo?”
“I–” Pavel cuts himself off. He can’t.
The shine in Leo’s eyes drips down his cheeks in steady streams. He frantically wipes at his cheeks, but he can’t stop crying.
Pavel’s heart absolutely shatters.
He starts trying to talk. Maybe deny his feelings, say he wants to leave. He’ll be happier away from Anaheim. Maybe he could convince Leo that Leo himself would be better if Pavel left.
“Pavel,” Leo moves closer to Pavel. He buries his head in Pavel’s shoulder. He sobs, his shoulders shaking violently each time. “Pavel, I love you.”
Before Leo said those words, Pavel would’ve had an easier time leaving.
He could’ve been sitting alone in an apartment that doesn’t feel like his, convincing himself Leo never loved him. If Leo never said it, Pavel could’ve convinced himself that all of Leo’s affectionate touches and acts of service were meaningless. Friendly. He could’ve looked at Leo and thought it was entirely one-sided.
Without those three words, Pavel could’ve, eventually, convinced himself that Leo never loved him.
Now that Leo said I love you, how is Pavel supposed to leave?
Once again, Pavel doesn’t know what to say.
Leo is bawling into Pavel’s shoulder, soaking his shirt with endless tears, whispering that he loves Pavel over and over again.
“Leo,” Pavel whispers, pitifully. Maybe sympathetically. He tries to force the words out, but they stick to his throat, choking him.
“I love you, Pavel,” Leo sobs, “you can’t leave me. What do I do without you?”
Pavel forces Leo away from him. He smiles softly at Leo, using the bottom of his shirt to wipe his tears. He tries to look like he’s handling everything–being scratches, trade rumors, the pressure, Leo’s confession–with grace, with strength even, but he isn’t. He can’t help the way his vision of Leo’s face blurs with tears.
“Leo,” Pavel says, his voice warm. He blows cold air on Leo’s face. “You just keep playing hockey without me. Maybe you’ll even do better without me.”
Leo shakes his head aggressively. “But I don’t want to play hockey without you!”
“I know,” Pavel pulls Leo back in for a hug. He presses his cheek into Leo’s hair, closing his eyes. “I know you don’t want to.”
“Do you love me too?” Leo asks. His shoulders are tense as he asks the million dollar question. Pavel can feel him holding his breath, as his chest isn’t rising and falling against Pavel’s arm anymore.
Pavel smiles, bittersweet and trembling. “Leo,” he begins, finally letting his tears fall into Leo’s hair. “I love you so, so much.”