Work Text:
We enter the station after taking a deep breath to get ready for the constant questions that will be directed towards us the whole day. I think Drew must've sensed my anxiety since I feel his hands pat my back three times. The specific thing he does everytime I am not feeling well. Somehow I never questioned how he could know what I feel. Or maybe I'm just overthinking. It might be a habit of his. It's not like I'm actually his daughter or something.
I don't mean it. I think like that but I know I don't believe it. Everytime I try to convince myself that I am not a special person in his life his gestures make me believe the other way. Like yesterday when he asked me to keep him company in "bring your kid to work" day. He said that every single one of his coworkers at his age has their kids with them so he feels lonely being the only one without a child to bring. I don't know what got into me but I was extremely happy and excited. Maybe it's because it's Drew who asked or maybe it's me whom he chose to ask. Probably both.
He picked me up from home and I decided to be good the whole day. I lack sleep but I heard that Milo won't be in for the morning due to a recent crime. I can go to a corner and sleep a little until he comes back and acts like the world ended because I didn't sleep whole 8 hours last night. I guess I owe him an apology for that since the dark circles under my eyes were a bit too obvious this morning. I had to put on some concealer but it's still visible if someone looks up close. I am sure Milo will notice it.
The moment I set my foot inside a big noise greets me. My ears do not really enjoy it but I still follow Drew next to him. He clocks in and takes me to the office to introduce his coworkers.
I am surprised at the sight before me. I have been here before but it looks completely different from the last time. Everything is in place and tidy. It's extremely clean that they could've make me believe that there had been a renovation since my last visit.
An officer who used to greet me a lot speaks up from behind "Heh pretty impressive huh? Officer Ellison threw a fit about having to clean everything because we can't accept guests in this state. But looks like we just found out the reason of-" He lets out a painful grunt before silencing himself. I think someone just punched him in the gut but I try to ignore that. He cleaned the entire place for me..? I try to fight back the smile that creeps up and lifts the corners of my mouth.
Drew coughs as if to warn someone and goes to get coffee. The moment he leaves I get bombarded by questions about my relationship with Drew. Some people ask me about my relations to Milo as well and I feel my face getting hotter with every question. I stay silent and wonder how Drew and Milo would feel if someone ask these questions to them. But I am not them so I am not able to answer like them.
While I was trying to pull myself together someone startles me with a sentence: "He never told us that he adopted you. I wonder why..."
My embarrassment and joy melts away at that. I suddenly feel guilty and mad. I remember dad and imagine how he would have reacted if he was present. I try to tell them that I am not adopted but they just laugh like the grown ups that think every word a child says is a joke.
"He's not my father and he never will be! Why don't you just get it!? " I blurt out.
Silence overwhelms the room. Everyone suddenly looks shocked and... Apologetic? I realize that they're all looking at the same direction. As if they saw something. Or someone.
I follow their gaze and catch a glimpse of dark brown hair. Oh no. Oh no no no no...
Drew looks at me shocked for a second and then the corner of his lips turn upside down. He looks so much like dad when I called him the worst daddy ever. I was four years old at that time. I have never imagined I'd see the same expression after twelve years. Nostalgia is not always a pleasant feeling.
"I... Drew- I didn't... " I try to say but what am I going to say anyway? Sorry that I haven't gotten over my father's death yet? Sorry that I don't see you as a father figure? Everything starts to swim. I'm underwater again. My surroundings get blurry and I can't breathe. No matter how many breaths or how fast I take them... I still can't get enough air in my lungs. I feel my eyes getting watery.
I shouldn't blink. If I do, the tears will start to fall.
Drew opens his mouth but closes it back again. Then he says "If you didn't like the thought that much you could've told me Eli. I would never want to make you uncomfortable. You know that. "
Of course. I want to reply. Of course I know. I didn't mean it like that! But I can't get the words out. I want to tell him the truth but I haven't figured it out yet. Do I see Drew as a father figure? The memories about him start to play in my mind.
The moment of our first meeting. The moment he saved me from a particular gang in the neighborhood. The picnic he organized to cheer me up... Every single moment about him suddenly passes before my eyes. I look down to not let him see my expression. Then I realize what I have gotten myself into. Couldn't you have kept your mouth shut for once? They were just teasing you, not mocking you! They didn't insult you nor your dad!
I hear the sound of Drew's boots fading away and everyone slowly starts to leave the room.
A few hours later Milo finds me on the ground. "Hey Eli- Oh..." he says after I lift my head. He must've seen how red my eyes are. After a minute of silence and hesitation he sits down next to me. I bury my head back between my knees. He doesn't talk but the soothing motion of his hand on my back tells me enough. 'I'm here for you.'
I cry in silence a bit. He probably noticed it from the way my shoulders shake after each sob.
I start telling him what happened little by little for a good half an hour. I tell him every single detail. I stopped hiding things from him a long time ago. He listens and lets out a sound of affirmation a few times.
"What am I gonna do...? I didn't mean it like that... " I say quietly after telling him that I upset his boss like that. For a moment I expect him to walk away and just leave me there. He respects Drew so much after all. He might be mad at me.
To my surprise I feel his arms around me. He says "It's alright. You were never good at expressing yourself. "
Suddenly I feel a peck of annoyance that changes my tone. "Hearing it from you is kind of ironic don't you think? " I say. He laughs. Then I realize that I'm no longer underwater. Or maybe I am but I can breathe now.
He pulls back a bit to look at me. "We all know you like to bite with your words. But we also know that you don't mean to hurt anyone. You would prefer a weapon for that occasion. " I chuckle when he says that. He is right. If I wanted to hurt someone I would use that one metal pipe in the basement.
I have to go apologize to him. Apologize to Drew.
He squeezes me tight once and then lets go. "Do you have a plan by now? Since you calmed down enough to think of a way to talk back sarcastically? " he points out and I tell him that I will find a way to apologize and make it up for Drew. He smiles and says "It's alright now then? " I nod. "Great." he says before frowning. I tilt my head slightly, trying to understand what he's thinking. Then it hits me.
"We will talk about how you didn't sleep and how you tried to put a shameless act of trying to cover those eyes bags."
He doesn't even give me a chance to create an alibi or to explain my lack of sleep. "But your priority is something else I believe? " I look away like a child who got caught red handed. He sighs and stands up. Then offers me a hand to grab so he can pull me up to my feet. He gives me a last encouraging smile before we head back to the main hall.
I am even more nervous than this morning. I can feel my fingertips slightly shake and my eyes getting watery again. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. You just need to explain yourself. Nothing crazy. Drew is a nice person! He would probably say that it's nothing. Take deep breaths. I try to inhale and suddenly smell the cafeteria food. The lunch break is near. I have to hurry.
I quicken my pace, hoping to catch Drew in his office so no eyes will be on us. I stop in front of the door to his office and hesitate to knock for a second. What if he doesn't want to see me right now? Milo sees my motionless hand in the air and nudges me slightly. "Go on..." he whispers and I take the deepest breath.
The door suddenly opens and Drew appears. He looks surprised to see me in front of his office after what I said. Another wave of hesitation washes over me. I start to shake but don't break the eye contact.
"C-can we talk? Please?" I whisper quietly. I don't even know why I'm whispering. There's no one in the hall except for the three of us but I still don't want to risk anything. I embarrassed him enough today.
Drew does the expression whenever I believe that he is trying to read my thoughts. He smiles a bit but it looks like he feels guilty about what happened even though it was my fault. He lets me in and Milo excuses himself to go to the cafeteria.
It's just the two of us and the stubborn ticking of his old clock. He always liked the antique things but I suppose spending years with it would be annoying. But again he was always patient even with me...
I fight the urge to break down crying but it's a real struggle. He always has been one of the first people to comfort me and even the sight of him makes me want to weep on his shoulder. The water level increases and I realize that I have to be quick. I have to apologize before the water gets to my head so he can at least hear my apology.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I never meant it. I don't even believe it but I said it anyway. I don't know why. I don't understand why. I really am sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so-" I can't breathe. The water reached my head and I can't see his expression. Is he mad? Is he disappointed? Will he accept my apology? What if he doesn't accept it? What will I do then?
I try to breathe. I want to tell him more. I want him to know more but I can't manage to get the words out. All I can concentrate on is to get air in my lungs while being underwater.
"You didn't mean it? Really? " Drew says with a happiness in his tone. "I thought you were angry at me since I kind of forced you to play the role of a daughter. " I lift my head and catch his gaze. He isn't angry nor sad. He looks relived actually. But I'm sure he isn't as much as me. I take a deep breath and tell him everything. What I think of him and what I was thinking while saying those words. He listens patiently while I talk and I see his mood lifting with every word I speak. When I'm done he hands me an old fashioned handkerchief and I find out that I have been crying the whole time.
He comforts me for a while and then looks at the clock. "Oh shoot, we missed the lunch... " he says before patting my back three times. "Let's go grab something. It's on me. " he winks while I smile and follow him outside.
We have a lunch at my favorite restaurant while talking about each other's past. A waiter asks Drew if his daughter would like a dessert and before he can correct her I reply with a yes. I guess I don't really mind getting called his daughter after all.