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Eli once read that you never hear the shot that kills you. It sounded overly poetic and more than likely false—after all, it’s not like a dead man can corroborate the claim.
Eli hears the blast.
He just can’t hear what happens after.
His eardrums are likely busted. His final moments are filled with the absence of sound entirely. Flames engulf him. He can’t feel anything, but logic dictates being so close to a detonation does not result in you keeping all your limbs. He really hopes he dies before he burns to death.
Thrawn appears over top of him and his peaceful dissent into darkness fills with panic. He can’t leave him. He loves him. He loves him so much. He can’t just leave.
Thrawn is saying something, but he can’t hear him. He looks frayed, lost, confused—like all of these emotions are something he hasn’t experienced before. Eli tries to say something, but his throat is on fire. Thrawn presses down on his chest—shrapnel, likely.
The darkness in his periphery ebbs further into his line of sight. So this is it. This is how he dies. In silence. Mute. Watching the one he loves suffer.
~
Eli wakes. He isn’t in a bed, and he isn’t… anywhere. He should be afraid, but as he sits up in a completely dark space with speckles of white light, he feels at peace.
“Ah, there you are.”
A Chiss man with long hair and longer robes, stands at the end of an illuminated pathway, smiling at him. He starts walking closer, robes swishing with each step. “I’m guessing this is…” Eli looks around at the vast darkness. He had hoped heaven would be… happier, but he supposes he has committed enough sin to end up in hell. But this hell doesn’t look like the fire and brimstone his parents preached.
“The world between worlds, as I like to call it,” the man says and offers Eli a hand up. He takes it. The ground is solid under his feet, despite its translucent nature.
“So I died.”
“Unfortunately, yes. But so did I, so fear not. You are not alone.”
Eli smirks. “There are worse things, I s’pose.”
“Indeed.” He extends a hand. “Mitth’rass’afis, but you may call me Thrass.”
“Eli Vanto, just Eli is fine.”
Thrass smiles. “Oh I know all about you, my brother was in love with you.”
“Your brother?”
“Thrawn.”
Eli scoffs on instinct. “Thrawn didn’t love me.”
“Then why are you here?”
Eli looks around. “Did you also love Thrawn?”
Thrass starts walking and beckons for Eli to follow. “Oh of course, and he loved me too, I believe. You see, here, I’ve come to learn that I’m tethered to him. That my soul can’t let go until he reaches the end of his life. There have been a few close calls over the years, which is one of the many reasons why I was elated when he met you. You kept him safe.”
Eli shrugs. “I was just his aide.” It feels wrong to refer to himself in the past tense, but he shakes it off.
“May I show you something?”
“Sure.” What else is there to do? He is dead, here in a world between heaven and hell, with Thrawn’s brother. Somehow it isn’t the strangest thing to happen to him since meeting Thrawn.
“Follow me.” Thrass leads him through starlit halls and to a portal. “Step up to it.”
Eli eyes him. “But don’t go through?”
“No, it’ll take you to that time and time travel is… well, it can vastly change the universe.”
“Alright,” Eli says and steps up to the portal.
They are sitting in Thrawn’s office aboard the Chimaera. Thrawn is sitting at his desk and Eli is sitting at the spare desk, flipping through many different datapads. It could have been any day, every day, since they left Royal Imperial. They have spent countless hours studying different things in each other’s presence. It was comfortable. Soothing.
Eli—it is odd seeing himself as a character in this scene—sets down a datapad in favor of picking up another, but Thrawn has set down his work entirely. Instead, he is watching Eli. His expression is soft, adoring. Eli never noticed before.
This Eli, the one in the memory, senses someone watching him and looks up at Thrawn. “Something wrong, sir?”
“In a manner of speak,” Thrawn says and rises to show Eli his datapad.
Eli steps back from the portal. “That’s hardly anything.”
“Oh,” Thrass says with a giddy smile, “That is only the beginning.” He gestures down the hall. Countless portals line the walkway. It stretches on for an infinity—an entire lifetime laid before him.
“Why are these all here? That… that wasn’t anything of significance. It could have been any day.”
“These are moments that are important to Thrawn in one way or another. If I had to guess, he felt safe here. That is so rare for him.”
“Even before the Empire?”
“Oh yes. Even then. Come, I have much more to show you.”
Every memory makes the pain of dying worse. It slowly becomes more and more obvious how Thrawn loved him so quietly. How he doted on Eli after being poisoned at a gala. The drink had been meant for Thrawn, but Eli ended up with it. Or how he slowed his pace so Eli could walk more comfortably alongside him while explaining data. It makes him feel like he still has shrapnel in his chest. Like he is still laying in that warehouse, dying.
“Are all of the memories happy?” Eli asks, as they walk down another corridor.
“No. That wing over there is where the trauma resides.”
Eli starts heading down the hall.
“Trust me, you do not want to travel that way.”
“Thrawn loved even the darkest parts of me,” Eli says. “I don’t see why I can’t return the favor.”
Eli watches the morning when Thrawn wakes up as a child only to realize that his sister has been kidnapped. He can’t be any older than five as he sprints out into the snowy morning screaming her name as tears roll down his round cheeks. Eli steps back, feeling Thrawn’s grief like it is his own.
He sees the day Thrass dies.
The day of Thrawn’s exile.
The day he nearly died on the exile planet because of some berry that was supposed to metabolize correctly and didn’t.
He sees the day of his own death.
“You shouldn’t watch this,” Thrass warns beside him. “It is difficult to fight the urge to save yourself.”
“I’ll be fine,” Eli mutters and steps up to the portal.
They walk into the warehouse together. The storm troopers cleared the area first and they are to check boxes for any evidence that could lead them to Nightswan. It should have been routine. They split up. Eli goes towards his death and Thrawn, to the other side of the warehouse.
The explosion is much larger than Eli remembers. Thrawn is knocked from his feet and loses consciousness. Fire laps around him.
“He’s not waking up,” Eli, in the world between worlds, announces.
“A man will come and save him.”
“A stormtrooper?”
Thrass shakes his head. “I don’t remember. I didn’t see who it was.”
Eli folds his arms across his chest. He doesn’t care about saving himself, but Thrawn is right there. Fire laps at his boots, smoke builds up in the dwindling air around him.
“Where’s the guy?”
“I don’t know. I could have sworn—”
Eli walks through the portal. All of the air leaves his lungs. The world seems to spin upside down and he lands shakily on his feet. There is hardly any breathable oxygen, and what is left is boiling. Eli kneels by Thrawn anyway and shakes him awake.
“Eli?” he asks groggily, struggling to blink him into focus.
He shakes his head. “I’m dying. You’ll find me, but I’ll be too far gone. I love you.”
Thrawn’s eyes widen and Eli feels a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him back through the portal.
“What have you done?” Thrass hisses. “Time is not something to play with.”
Eli turns and watches as Thrawn rises to his feet and sprints to the Eli of the memory. For the first time, he sees the extent of his injuries—no leg, no arm, a bloody and mangled torso. No wonder Thrawn had looked so concerned. It was a battle he was never going to win. Thrawn found him, knowing that all was already lost.
Eli looks up at Thrass. “I think I was the guy.”
Thrass looks at the portal, watches as the memory plays out exactly as it should. “How strange,” he mutters.
“Is there a place to watch the present?” Eli asks.
Thrass eyes him. “Follow me.”
~
Thrawn doesn’t mourn Eli in any traditional sense of the word. He holds a service for the crew of the Chimaera to pay their respects, and then he simply dives into work. It briefly makes Eli think that Thrawn never loved him until Thrass explains he has done this every time something bad happens. They take a stroll through the past memories for a while after that.
Eli watches as Thrawn of the present day wakes up every morning after sleeping only a handful of hours, to run countless klicks and fight sparring droids. He lets him carry on like this for a few weeks, until he snaps at Karyn. Then, late one night as Thrawn is staring at his datapad, he steps through the portal.
Thrawn doesn’t notice his arrival and Eli cherishes this silent moment. So many nights were spent just like this—silent companionship. But it’s not his reality anymore.
With a fortifying breath, Eli says, “Come to bed.”
Thrawn looks up. “You are dead.”
“Hallucinating doesn’t bode well for an admiral does it?” He holds out his hand.
Thrawn stands, but doesn’t accept the assistance. “If I hadn’t been selfish, you would still be alive.”
“You’ve never been selfish, not once. Go to bed.”
“You made it sound like you were joining me.”
“You and I both know I’m not really here.”
Thrawn looks down and Eli swears there are tears in his eyes. “Yes, I am aware.”
Leaning against the fresher doorway, Eli watches Thrawn go through his nightly rituals. It is all the same, nothing has changed since he died. Once in bed, Thrawn looks up at him. “It has been difficult to sleep in your absence.”
“Well, I’m here right now.” Eli sits on the side of the bed, it doesn’t dip with his weight. “I’ll stick around.”
“Perhaps I should seek a medic.”
“Let’s try getting a good night's sleep first,” Eli says and adjusts the blankets around Thrawn’s chest. “I love you, good night.”
Thrawn is out in seconds and Eli returns to the portal in the front room.
“You shouldn’t help like that,” Thrass chastises upon return.
“I was his aide,” Eli says as he lowers himself in front of the portal. “It’s what I do.”
~
Eli watches Thrawn, which is not a big change from what his life was like when he was living. Ironic, in a way. He hated his job so much in the beginning, that he is hellbent on spending the entirety of his afterlife watching him.
Thrass sits with him, telling him stories about a young Thrawn. Eli, in return, shares his side of the story, though Thrass already knows most of it.
Darth Vader joins Thrawn on his ship. Palpatine grows more disbelieving of Thrawn’s loyalty. It makes Eli want to jump through the portal and strangle him for a change. It’s not like he can die again, after all.
Late one night after Vader has finally left and hyperspace brings a moment of tranquility, Thrawn sits at his desk. “Eli, I do not know what to do,” he confesses to the emptiness surrounding him.
Beside him, Thrass is dozing off. So, Eli steps through the portal.
“Run me through it,” Eli says.
At the sight of him, Thrawn takes a deep breath. “I have a fleet. I could bring it to the Ascendancy to help fight their war, but the Empire could make a formidable ally.”
“Palpatine doesn't trust you, is it worth the risk?”
“It is just my life at stake.”
“Is it?”
Thrawn stares at him. “I could not prevent your death.”
“No, but maybe you can prevent your people from dying.”
“I am sorry I couldn't save you.”
“I don’t blame you.” He wants to walk closer, to take Thrawn’s hand. He stays firm across the room. “Go to bed. Sleep on it.”
“You will not be here when I wake.”
“I won't be too far away, I promise.”
Thrawn rises, gaze lingering on Eli, and retires. It is difficult to fight the urge to stay, Eli has always stayed, it is—was—his duty to stay. But, he returns to purgatory. In the morning, Thrawn offers his crew the option to defect or stay. Almost all choose to defect and join Thrawn in the Ascendancy.
“What convinced him to leave?” Thrass asks as they watch a severe woman, Ar'alani, embrace Thrawn.
“No idea,” Eli says.
~
The Chiss war is brutal. The 7th fleet brings about victory after victory, but not without substantial losses.
“Sir, we're being boarded,” Pyrondi says.
Thrawn barks orders, but the boarding party somehow makes it to the bridge. The crew abandons ship and Thrawn goes toe-to-toe with the Grysks to give his people more time.
He is woefully outnumbered. With every Grysk that falls, another emerges. One tackles him to the floor, they tussle, but Thrawn is losing.
“I can't bear to watch,” Thrass murmurs, covering his eyes.
“Neither can I.” Eli dives through the portal.
The dizzying feeling of traveling through a universe has become tolerable now and when he hits the floor of the Chimaera, he is quick to action. He grabs the baton from a fallen Grysk and beats the one strangling Thrawn over the head. Another one lurches down the hallway and Eli meets it head on, bludgeoning it before it even gets the chance to attack Thrawn. Even though Eli is dead, a good fight has him feeling alive again.
“On your feet,” Eli says, pulling Thrawn up. Blood drips from his nose and his eyes are wide with confusion.
“Eli?”
“You aren’t going to die today,” Eli vows. “Get to an escape pod.”
“Come with me.”
Eli shakes his head. “I'm dead, remember?”
Thrawn's brows knot together and he nods. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
~
Time passes. He and Thrass argue ad nauseum about Eli's penchant for intervening in Thrawn’s near death experiences. When the war is over and Thrawn must be reinstated to the Mitth officially, rather than on military necessity, there is an assassination attempt. One Eli only barely manages to thwart.
Later, Thrawn gets very sick. Eli sits by his bedside, nursing him back to health. He has no one else. It surprises Eli that none of his friends come to check on him, that everyone just keeps on living their lives.
Thrawn ages; Eli stays twenty-nine. He sits in the world between worlds with Thrass, watching as Thrawn slows down. He watches as his hair turns white, as his spine bends under the weight of a difficult life. He watches as the neighbor kids bring him flowers and stories of their days at school. He watches Thrawn lay in bed, too tired to rise another day.
“You should go to him,” Thrass whispers. “I think it is time.”
Eli looks at him. “What do you think will happen to us?”
“I imagine we'll go wherever the deceased are meant to go,” he says. “Heaven, Hell, the Great Nothing.”
Eli nods. “Well, it has been good knowing you.”
“Likewise, my friend.” They clasp hands and, for the last time, Eli steps through the portal.
“Eli,” Thrawn rasps. His breath is shaky with the last dregs of life.
“I'm here,” he says, kneeling beside Thrawn's bed to take his hand. “I'm here.”
“You cannot prevent my death this time,” he says.
“No,” Eli says. “I think it's time for you to join me.”
Thrawn shakes his head. “If Lesser Space customs hold true, I am destined to Hell.”
Eli smirks, rubs his thumb across Thrawn's weathered knuckles. “I'll go anywhere you go. I love you.”
Thrawn smiles, reaches up to pat Eli’s cheek and passes on. The house fades around Eli and is replaced with darkness.