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Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

One

Pilot roughly pushed Snippy down on the couch and quickly worked his fingers under the other man's mask. The sniper protested loudly although the aviator thought that maybe it was because he was being too rough. For once, Pilot didn't mean to hurt his squad mate but Captain was about to enter the house any minute and Pilot needed this to look just right if his plan was going to work. Voices coming up the front walk outside the ruined base were getting closer and their familiarity suggested it was Zee Captain and Engie. Almost frantically, Pilot managed to get Snippy's mask off and was kissing him just in time for Captain to open the door and catch them.

Snippy froze. Engie made some exclamation of surprise and disbelief. Captain simply walked into the kitchen, talking animatedly about the mission he and Engie had been on.

Pilot wanted to scream.

XxX

It had all started innocently enough. Captain was making a journey into the city and he had brought Pilot and the two shoes with him. Engie was unfamiliar with the area but Snippy and Pilot recognised their old high-rise base. The last time Pilot had been there was when Captain had sent him on a mission to find a flying machine. He was aware that Captain and the blue-eyed shoe had frequently made use of the building while he was away. The thought was enough to make Pilot want to hit Snippy but then the shoe was saying something that, for once, was extremely important to Pilot.

"Are we here to visit your girlfriend or are we actually here for something important?" Snippy asked Captain. Then, under his breath, the sniper muttered, "Not that we ever do anything important."

"Girlfriend?" Engie asked. He was clearly bemused.

Pilot wanted to yell that Snippy was a liar when the sniper started to answer the engineer's question. "It's not a person. Well… you could argue that at some point there was a person involved. But it's really just a billboard with the image of a girl on a bomb on it. Captain talks to the damn thing like it's his most precious person though." Snippy explained.

"We are here to do both!" Captain announced. "I am here to see my beloved but also because I forgot my white t-shirt and I need it."

Pilot's world seemed to simply stop. Then he realised that Snippy was cautiously poking his arm in concern, trying to get his attention. Pilot smacked his hand away. Determined to size up the competition, the aviator hurried to the side of the man he was devoted to.

"What makes her your beloved?" Pilot asked. He wanted to know what Captain saw in "the billboard." Maybe if he understood, he could show Captain that the billboard was really just another silly shoe and not as worthy of Captain's affections as Pilot was.

Captain smiled and patted Pilot on the head. "That, mein minion, is something you are much too young to understand. But come to my special window and see my precious' glory for yourself."

XxX

The billboard was glorious. Pilot was loathe to admit it though. He spent the next three days out in the wasteland with Photoshop, trying to plot a way to take back Zee Captain's affections for himself. If only he hadn't wasted all that time trying to keep Snippy away from Captain when the shoe wasn't the real threat to Pilot and Captain's love. Then the aviator's mind caught up to his thoughts. Snippy. Pilot could use Snippy to make Captain jealous. When Captain saw Pilot in the arms of another he'd be so overcome with jealousy over his pilot that he'd dump the billboard and come back to Pilot.

The only flaw with his plan that Pilot was aware of was Snippy. The sniper most likely would only go along with the plan if he could use it to take Captain for himself. Pilot was going to have to be sneaky with his jealousy plan then.

He never thought about how his definition of sneaky was simply to not tell Snippy that he was planning on seducing him in order to make Captain jealous. He also never stopped to think about how the shoe's feelings would come into play either.

XxX

Countless voices sometimes haunted Pilot. He could remember the screams of Eureka despite the fact the he couldn't remember his own name. Yet knowing they were all dead allowed him to ignore them. The hard part was finding that one wisp of a voice that had been nearly decimated when Pilot's blue tiara broke. The voice sounded a little like his own and sometimes told Pilot how things used to be. Pilot often didn't realise it was there or he ignored it when he did. The voice was just so distant. But now Pilot wanted to know the kind of things one did when they were pretending to date a shoe and he wanted to know it now. He was in the same room as Captain and Snippy (for Captain was giving out their orders for the day) and he needed to start putting his plan into action.

Hold hands. Walk together.

The faint voice had to struggle to say that much but Pilot instantly ignored that. Instead he grabbed Snippy's hand and said cheerfully, "I request that the shoe and I go on the same mission!"

"Bwah!?" Snippy cried. He tried to take his hand back but Pilot just gripped it tighter. Stupid shoe never wanted to do anything helpful.

Captain just tilted his head. "But mein minions are so efficient on their own. Still, teamwork is good and I like that mein minions are willing to make the effort. Alright! Pilot, you can go with Mr. Snippy on his mission. Engie can build the statue of my glorious face instead."

Engie, whom Pilot had completely forgotten about because he wasn't part of the plan, groaned.

As soon as Captain and Engie left the room, Pilot dropped Snippy's hand and announced, "Let's go shoe."

Snippy, as usual, was not quick to play along. "What was all that about?"

"It was necessary." Pilot felt that that was all the explanation needed.

He wasn't surprised when Snippy tried to argue with him over it during their entire mission though. But Pilot was confident that his plan would work and that he could eventually make Captain jealous. It was just a matter of patience and determination.

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Two

Exhausted, the voice hadn't spoken for two days. Pilot, however, had managed to take many ideas from it. He did have a massive headache for his efforts though. It was as if he had been thinking too hard.

There were advantages to his unusual painful head though. And all of those advantages had to do with furthering The Plan. Pilot had been low in energy and unwilling to do anything unless asked directly by Captain. Finally, prompted by concern, Snippy and Engie attempted to diagnose him. Engie was the one who figured out it was just a headache. Snippy was the one who had to deal with it.

XxX

Gently rubbing at the other man's temples, Snippy studied Pilot with a mystified expression. Pilot didn't care what kind of looks he got so long as the pain in his head went away. Pilot and the voice were going to have words when this was all over.

"You've never had a headache before?" Snippy asked. He was sat on the couch with Pilot and they were face to face. Not that that mattered, because Pilot had his eyes closed to block out the light.

Pilot groaned. "No talking shoe!"

"I don't have to help you out, you know." Snippy said, removing his hands from Pilot's head.

Pilot growled dangerously, opening his eyes so he could glare at the sniper. Snippy's soft, circular massaging of the aviator's temples had actually been helping and Pilot did not appreciate him stopping, even if he was a shoe. But then a sharp pain shot through his head and Pilot whimpered.

"I'm too nice for my own good." Snippy muttered as he returned to the massage. "I just wish I knew why you've been acting so weird lately."

Pilot was paying Snippy no attention. At first, the aviator had been revelling in the relief the massage brought. Then, the aviator had noticed that Captain had walked in on them and was staring at them quite intensely. The intensity of that gaze made Pilot shiver until he realised that that was the sort of attention he wanted: Captain had to be jealous now! The voice had said something about intimate touching and, although Pilot had not been sure what that had meant at the time, the massage appeared to fit the bill. Snippy was certainly touching Pilot a lot. Pilot leaned further into Snippy's space. Watching from the corner of his eye, Pilot saw that Captain was still watching them.

Suddenly, Captain clapped his hands together and announced, "Mein minions are so cute together!"

Snippy jumped with a loud "Bwah", violently removing himself from Pilot. He hadn't seen Captain come in and the German could walk without making a sound. Pilot found the sudden noise and movements excruciating. He didn't understand why none of his plans were working. Pilot buried his head into Snippy's shoulder in a miserable attempt to block out all sound and light. The aviator and the voice were going to have quite a few words and nasty ones at that.

Too focused on himself, Pilot didn't notice Snippy's tentative attempt to sooth him by rubbing his back.

XxX

After his headache subsided, Pilot decided to up his attack. He now held hands with Snippy whenever Captain or Engie were in the room; Pilot did not want to take the chance that Engie wouldn't report on their activities to Captain. After all, if Engie and Snippy had been the ones to start holding hands all the time, Pilot would tell Captain immediately.

Pilot had also started to kiss the sniper on the cheek every time one of them left on a mission. He had come up with that solution by salvaging through the last remains of the Hallmark store in the most run down, shady looking mall in the whole post-apocalyptic wasteland. The half-rotted, mostly molded over cards provided a plethora of information.

However, while both Engie and Snippy were paying more attention to him, Pilot couldn't seem to get Captain to notice that anything odd was going on.

Pilot decided that he simply wasn't trying hard enough.

XxX

If touching didn't work and actively spending time together didn't work, then there was only one other option. Gifts! Captain loved receiving gifts or, more specifically, monuments of his greatness. Pilot was not about to build monuments of the shoe's face but he could shower him in gifts. That should make Captain jealous or, at the very least, angry because Captain was the only one worthy of any gifts. This was especially true when the gift came from Pilot. Pilot was willing to settle for even a lecture from Captain at this point. Any form of attention would be good so long as it came from Captain.

The very first gift idea came from the moldy cards of Hallmark. Pilot had studied them diligently and carefully sounded out the words he wasn't familiar with. The one thing all the romance cards shared was pictures of flowers. Pilot spent two days hunting down the Lifealope creature he had seen one day while out on a mission but the creature could outrun him. Unfortunately, the Lifealope was the only thing producing real flowers anymore.

Then Pilot had an idea.

XxX

A consistent prodding woke Snippy. The sniper was irritable enough that he had been woken by someone poking him in the head; he was worse when he realised it was Engie.

"What do you want?" Snippy snapped, looking up at Engie from his prone position on the couch.

"I can't even explain it." Engie said and indicated Snippy's entire body with a wide sweep of his arms.

Frowning, Snippy sat up a little- things were shifting on his body- and peered down at himself. He was sitting in a sea of paper flowers. He couldn't even see his legs due to all the flowers. Bewildered, Snippy picked up a flower and studied it. The flower was made out of a decimated greeting card and was obviously hand-crafted. It was in horrible shape due to the material but the workmanship was good and… it was the most endearingly annoying thing Snippy had ever seen.

"Pilot's really lost it this time." Engie commented, reminding his companion about who the flowers likely came from.

Snippy sighed.

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Three

Quietly and deeply invested in his current project, Engie didn't hear anyone enter the room. So, when the gloved hand landed on his shoulder, he had to admit that the scream that came out of his mouth was less than manly.

Hearing Captain chuckle behind him was not reassuring.

"Ah, mein minion, you are zee jumpy one this morning." The purple-eyed leader teased. And it was such teasing which instantly told Engie something was up. Captain was not often this easy to read.

"What do you want? I told you I didn't have all the parts needed to finish the ten foot high coffee maker." Engie said.

"Ah, that can wait. I want you to tell me what Pilot is up too." Captain said, sitting down beside Engie.

Engie paused. It seemed obvious enough that Pilot was after some sort of sexual favour- Captain and Engie had walked in on him forcing his mouth on Snippy with the blue eyed man pinned under him the other day- but this was Pilot and he probably didn't know what sex was. Pilot was more of a crush type person than a lust type person and he typically showed the opposite kind of feelings towards Snippy.

"I have no idea." Engie admitted.

Captain hummed. "I see. Well. I like zis development. If Pilot comes to you for any of the romantic advice, give it to him. It's nice to know Mr. Snippy is not the only one open to romance. But do not let either know I approve. I look forward to zee awkward explanations."

Engie nodded. It wasn't wise to go against an order from Captain. But the engineer didn't think the sniper's nerves could take this newest development.

XxX

Around the same time as Captain and Engie's talk, Snippy found himself waking with a start. He didn't have the nightmares anymore, not really, so Snippy couldn't place the source of the sudden dread he found himself feeling. Stretching, the sniper looked out the "window" that was really just a hole in the wall and judged it to be early afternoon.

"That's odd." Snippy muttered. Usually Captain woke him fairly early so he could get a start on the day's missions.

And then Pilot was in his lap while holding a tin of warmed soup.

"Bwah?!" Snippy cried. "Where did you come from? Don't molest me this time!"

Pilot tilted his head in confusion. "Molest? I brought you breakfast after letting you sleep in."

Snippy frowned and eyed his fellow minion with distrust. But Pilot looked… mostly innocent… with that tin of warm mystery broth. A gentle wisp of steam was coming from the can.

"Well? Take it!" Pilot insisted.

Snippy decided not to point out that even when Pilot was trying to be nice he was sort of mean. But the sniper did take the can and cautiously sniffed it before taking a mouthful. Pleasantly surprised, Snippy found that the soup tasted a little bit stale but otherwise unhurt.

"What prompted this?" Snippy asked. "Did Captain say he wanted breakfast in bed and you're practicing on me first?"

"I don't intend to do this for Captain but I don't mind you telling him about it." Pilot said. The way Pilot said that sounded odd to Snippy (Snippy had no way of knowing how much Pilot didn't want to do something special for someone who wasn't Captain) but Snippy was more surprised that this whole scenario was just for him. It really didn't seem like an assassination attempt either. Then there were the gifts, hand holding, shared missions and… aggressive kissing… that had occurred recently. And Pilot was still sitting on him.

Snippy was beginning to get the feeling that he was being courted. He just couldn't figure out what Pilot was trying to achieve.

But he really didn't mind the extra attention when he thought about it.

"This isn't half bad. The expiry date must have been fairly recent." Snippy said after a while. "Did this come from Engie's bunker?"

Pilot nodded. The aviator was looking between the front door and the hallway like he was expecting someone to walk into the living room.

"How'd you heat it? Engie helped right?" Snippy asked. He was fairly certain that Engie would have been the one to heat up the food because Engie and Snippy didn't trust Pilot and Captain with an open flame. Snippy usually did it and Engie did it when he couldn't. Although they all generally ate their meals cold so it would have been unusual for Engie to make Snippy's breakfast on Pilot's behalf.

"I started a fire in the front yard. Tires make a funny smell when they're burning." Pilot replied.

"Bwah!?" Snippy cried. Reacting with pure horror, the sniper had the sudden strength to throw the aviator off his lap and he was instantly on his feet, running to put out any burning remains. Snippy had an image of the house burning down. He briefly thought that Pilot needed new filters if he could smell the tires burning but that thought was pushed aside for the panicky thought of 'oh god, why didn't I smell the tires burning?!'

XxX

Engie walked out of his workshop and was greeted by the sight of Snippy frantically putting out a raging tire fire while Pilot, standing in the front entrance to the base, grumbled about another failed plan.

'Do I really have to help hook these two up?' Engie thought with no small amount of alarm.

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Four

At some point, the little voice made its reappearance.

You're only going to hurt someone.

It was the first whole sentence the voice had ever spoken to Pilot and the aviator was too annoyed to enjoy it. Indeed, he called it a jiggly slugged disaster of a shoe and pointed out that he never wanted to talk to it again after the mighty headache it had given him so long ago. Pilot never stopped to wonder about whom he was going to hurt or why the voice thought he was capable of it. Pilot didn't even know all that many somebodies but he did know he'd never hurt Captain!

The voice sighed in resignation and seemed to retire to the back of Pilot's head.

Still, despite the voice's doom-filled soothsaying, things were actually beginning to go according to plan. For one thing, the shoe was finally playing along. Snippy didn't have to be told to go on missions with Pilot anymore and sometimes even suggested good missions for them to do together. And when Pilot started complimenting the shoe-because, according to Engie, romantic people did that sort of thing- Snippy came up with a few compliments of his own for Pilot. The shoe even grasped Pilot's shoulder a few times in a friendly, potentially affectionate way. Okay, so it wasn't hand holding, but the shoe was beginning it get with the program.

And Captain had noticed. Pilot was ready to do a happy dance every time he thought about it. Captain hadn't actually said anything yet nor had he spoken to Pilot about the change in the minions' relationship. But every so often Pilot could tell that Captain was giving him a long, searching look. Pilot could feel it in his bones: Captain was searching for the reason why Pilot would give so much of his valuable, Captain-worshipping time to a shoe. Soon Captain would be jealous and he'd swoop in and say to Snippy, "Nein, Pilot is mine!" and everything would be wonderful again.

Pilot could barely wait.

XxX

"I think I have boyfriend." Snippy announced.

Engie looked up from where he was eating his midday meal at the debilitated table in the base's kitchen. He had been left in the base alone to invent electricity while Snippy and Pilot had been on a mission to walk Photoshop. Captain was wherever it was that Captain went. Yet Snippy and Pilot had apparently just come home and that meant that Engie had to play love doctor. Sighing, the engineer stuck his spoon into his tin of beans and gave the sniper his most deadpan expression.

"No, really? Whatever drew you to that conclusion?" Engie asked.

Snippy laid his gun on the table and dropped into a chair. "I didn't ask for this, you know. You don't have to be a jerk about it. I just want to know what I should do about Pilot."

"If you haven't made up your mind then why are you reciprocating?" Engie asked.

"He started complimenting me! How do you not compliment someone back?" Snippy asked. "It's not like I've ever gotten compliments before. I just thought I was, I don't know, following etiquette."

Engie felt bad about that one. He had suggested the compliments to Pilot simply because he knew Snippy would not know what to do with them and because he had to do some sort of matchmaking before Captain decided to punish him. But it was kind of funny seeing Snippy so distressed.

"You don't have to compliment him back if you don't like being complimented in the first place." Engie pointed out.

"…"

"What's with the pa- you do like it? You do! Why would you like Pilot paying you any sort of attention?!" Engie cried, shocked.

Snippy shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "It's just… I don't know. He's trying so hard to do whatever it is he's doing, and, well… the handmade flowers were really endearing…"

"You think he's cute!"

"You don't need to act like a teenage girl over it."

"I'm being a teenage girl? Me?"

Snippy simply started to stare down Engie. However, Engie really was just like a teenage girl and he stared right back, knowing that he was right about the whole situation. Finally Snippy gave in and buried his face in his hands.

"Bwah. I think you're right. I'm actually starting to like that insane man-child." Snippy said mournfully.

Engie coughed and patted the sniper on the shoulder. This felt like the kind of situation where one should offer condolences but what would he say? Sorry you're falling in love with a crazy person with the mentality of a five year old? Then Engie had a thought. Maybe one of Pilot's Hallmark card flowers had the proper sentiments printed on it.

No, that would only make Snippy dangerously cranky.

XxX

Snippy had spent the rest of the day with Engie after their mission. Pilot didn't like it as he had the feeling that the shoe was trying to avoid him. Yet the aviator had things of his own to do so he had to just accept it and move on. Besides, Captain wasn't around so it didn't really matter that Snippy and Pilot weren't doing things together.

That night offered plenty of opportunity though. Captain had decided to gather his minions around in the space of time between the last meal of the day and bedtime. He directed the men to sit on the sole surviving couch in the base and began to talk. Captain had declared it Captainia history month and was explaining how the great nation had been formed. Pilot had deliberately sat next to Snippy and kept their fingers intertwined the whole time.

And the plan had obviously worked although it was not in the dramatic way Pilot had planned. Captain had only looked over at Engie once and spent the whole time he was talking staring at Pilot and Snippy's hands. Although Snippy seemed to be avoiding everyone's eyes that night. Pilot shrugged. Maybe Captain would react once the aviator gave the shoe his goodnight kiss.

That part of the plan didn't work though. At least, not in the way Pilot had intended. When Captain had declared the day over and done with and ordered lights out, Pilot had semi-forcefully taken Snippy's jaw in his hand. With ninja-like speed, the aviator had both of their respirators off and then placed his mouth on Snippy's.

Snippy kissed back.

Well, shit, the voice announced. Those two words from his own subconscious seemed to freeze Pilot to the spot. Something had just happened that probably shouldn't have. Then Captain was sighing happily and telling Engie that he was so pleased his minions had found love. All of those thoughtful looks and deliberate studying of Pilot and Snippy's interactions: it wasn't a man expressing jealously.

"Argh! You do everything wrong shoe!" Pilot groaned as he grabbed his head in frustration before getting up and rushing to his bathroom bedroom.

The last thing he heard before he left the room was Snippy saying to the others in a lost, confused tone, "I don't understand what just happened."

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Five

This time the little voice in the back of Pilot's head readily admitted that this was his fault. Pilot hadn't even been there to participate, not really. Although when the voice told Pilot that they were going to hurt someone this was not what it had in mind.

XxX

Christophorus Pi Hatchenson, also known as DEX-M unit 966912, had always been inside Pilot, stubbornly holding onto the last of himself. He had been failed by his own organic body parts- primarily his mind- and ANNET. His goal was to stop the unscannable one but then the world went crashing down into chaos. Then it wasn't so important to go after the unscannable one because ANNET was destroying everyone and that would really mess up the Insurance Agency's day. There was nothing worse than the amount of insurance claims increasing by more than 150% when there was an unexpectedly high turnover of staff. This did not mean that Pi would not go after the unscannable one though.

But Pi was just the subconscious mind of a mentally ill, mentally delayed young man with the extraordinary abilities of a DEX-M and the heart and soul of a human being. There was enough of the machine in him that he could sometimes think as a separate entity from Pilot but he was Pilot too and thus could not separate himself from the aviator completely. So he could influence Pilot's dreams and feelings because they were his too and in turn he provided whatever wisp of memory he could grasp whenever Pilot asked for one. Pi was part of the reason why Pilot hated Snippy. The aviator recognized him subconsciously after all. But it was because Pilot needed friends that Pi never actually tried too hard to kill the unscannable one.

Then things went straight to soap opera hell.

Firstly, Pi was not all that capable of independent thought. He was still Pilot when all was said and done and Pilot's feelings could be very powerful. A DEX-M shouldn't date its prey but Pi still helped Pilot romance the unscannable one. And he truly did not want to hurt anyone- Pi knew that a quick kill did not have to be messy or cruel. He was merciful even as he hunted down prey without mercy. But he (be he Chris or Pi or Pilot or whatever he wanted to call himself at any stage of his life) did not love the sniper. And the seduction plan was going to be hurtful for everyone involved.

Then, once Pilot had finally stopped sulking over his failed plan and the unscannable one was distracted by the mysteries of Captain's mug, murderous ladybugs attacked. Pilot was frightened and angered. Yet the lady bugs did not frighten him as much as the return of his neural interface and ANNET. That emotion was strong enough that every part of Pilot was frightened-Pi included. And then, for the first time in years, Pi was the one in the conscious seat. He controlled everything and he couldn't hear Pilot anymore. Pilot, who was always so loud and insistent and alive. Pilot was whole and as a result he was no longer Pilot.

And he remembered exactly what the unscannable one was and what he had done to the world.

Details had flooded through Pi's mind and with the memories came the realization that Pi as an unconscious voice had only vaguely remembered what kind of threat the unscannable one was. Pilot should have killed him a thousand times over for the world that was stolen from them, for the millions of voices of Eureka that haunted Pilot still. Pi would finish it now, for revenge and for the world that had been lost and for better late than never.

XxX

Fire raged behind him and flood waters threatened to overtake him. But he had little control over that now. Pi had lost control of the body to Pilot when the neural interface broke once more. Pi was just a voice now and soon he would only exist in the subconscious. Yet he still had enough presence to recognise the corpse for what it was and not what Pilot thought it was.

He had killed the unscannable one. His mission was accomplished. He could stop hunting. Pi was relieved to know he could finally rest. But he had taken something from his childish, mentally failing heart and soul. Pilot had killed his own friend and did not even know it. For that, the voice was sorry.

But voices were insubstantial and could do nothing to change the world.

XxX

This IS most UNAccepTable. WE still hAVe need of the hOST.

HE should Have gONE in fOr the EXtra orGANs.

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidentally in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Six

Pilot wanted Zee Captain.

He wanted a lot of things actually. Like arms that would stop being broken, a new sword and dry land. But the abandoned church would have to do because the flood waters were trying to take Snippy away and Pilot's old sword was stuck in Snippy's chest: which, when Pilot thought about it, was a really weird place to keep a sword. But Snippy was a weird person so Pilot didn't bother paying too much attention to it.

Finding a safe place in the church, above flood water levels, was not all that easy but Pilot managed it. Then he set Snippy down on the floor and made himself comfortable. Once that was done, Pilot tried to think of what had happened lately. He felt confused and fuzzy, like he had been sleepwalking for a really long time. It didn't help that he could recall his left arm doing mean things to Snippy that he didn't tell it too. Pilot hated it when his limbs did their own thing. But even those memories weren't all that clear. Pilot could remember sulking in the bathroom for about a week because his plan to steal Captain back from the billboard hadn't worked. Captain had thought that Pilot and the shoe really were dating. Captain had even been a little sad when Snippy and Pilot had "broken up" as that shoe Engie called it. Snippy had been all sorts of angry and confused and it had been a really long time before they talked again.

After that, Snippy touched the mug, which you weren't supposed to do. Then ladybugs threatened to kill Zee Captain and Pilot had to warn the governor. That might not have been so bad because Captain could stop any bad guy from doing bad things but then there was the lady who wanted to fix Pilot's blue tiara. And then Pilot was no longer Pilot but still Pilot and that was when the aviator gave up on trying to remember how he ended up in a church with a sleeping Snippy and fire and water behind him.

Pilot didn't like that Snippy was still asleep. It was the wrong time of day for a nap. But Snippy was a heavy sleeper so there wasn't anything the aviator could do to wake him up. It was lonely without anyone to talk to though and having Snippy ignore him reminded Pilot that he had hurt the sniper's feelings. He felt worse about that now that the urge to throw Snippy off bridges had lessened.

Happily, Pilot wasn't alone with a napping Snippy for very long. The flood waters of the fire brigade had brought a half drowned Engie with them. The engineer washed up on the church entrance where he stayed, clutching the stone steps. Pilot had to go out and retrieve the silly shoe. But the shoe had been relieved to see Pilot, muttering about how a crazy man-child was better than a bath with Annie any day.

Pilot frowned at the mention of "Annie" and thought about the scary lady that had fixed his blue tiara. He didn't like her. But then he told Engie to come inside and see if he could wake Snippy. Now that the three of them were together it was time to find Zee Captain. Pilot was in the mood for a mission.

XxX

So Snippy hadn't died in the fire. That, Engie decided, was a relief. The engineer had every intention of telling the sniper just how crazy Engie thought he was until he saw the body.

"He took my sword but I think he just did that because he broke his favourite jam jar when we fell from the building." Pilot explained. "Anyway, tell him to stop napping so we can go find Captain."

Blood was everywhere and the sword was protruding from Snippy's still chest. Engie doubted the sniper was sleeping. The engineer shivered but he knew that only had a little to do with the cold water that had seeped through his clothes. He didn't know how to tell Pilot that Snippy was dead. And he couldn't bring himself to deal with the gruesome task of removing the sword.

Giving in, Engie turned to Pilot and said in a small voice, "I don't know what to do."

Pilot nodded. "Snippy is always hard to wake up."

"… Yeah. That's it." Engie agreed. "Snippy's just a heavy sleeper."

XxX

Ignoring the humans, Biomatrix 117 started to reboot the host systems. As ribs healed and muscles grew back, the ligaments wrapped around the sword. Then, when the humans weren't looking, muscle and bone worked together to push the broken metal out of the host body. Once that ordeal was over with, Biomatrix 117 had to realign the bone and tissue while rebuilding the spinal column. The parasite put the host's bone marrow into overdrive to replenish the blood supply. Finally, the Biomatrix was satisfied with its work- although an extra liver would have been nice- and it told the heart to restart.

The host's consciousness sparked back into being. It was slow and groggy but that was alright. The Biomatrix could be patient. Besides, it was anticipating some amusement soon.

"Bwah? What happened?" Snippy asked as he returned to his normal, functioning self.

"WE had to Reboot the sysTEMS. HUman flESh is nOt SuitABle to FALLing eighty stories."

"Did I die again?" the host asked, not the least bit surprised.

"yEs."

The host sighed, then sat up. The Biomatrix was quite amused when the fur wearing human called Engie screamed in terror. The human quickly grabbed the human called Pilot and stared in shock at the host.

"You had a sword sticking out of you!" Engie cried.

"Yeah. That happens." Snippy replied. "Is that… Pilot, you aren't going to kill me again are you?"

"Don't worry. Left hand has been punished!" Pilot announced.

The host sighed again and the Biomatrix knew that he wanted to be angry at Pilot but could not. Why? The Biomatrix computed the statistics and compared them to its observations from its time with the host and the odd entity called Captain.

"Your CHosEn mate IS male. WouLD YOU like To UpGraDE to the FeMALe moDEL? You Can hAVe OvaRies aNd still BE firePRoof." Biomatrix 117 suggested hopefully, already planning on where the uterus should go.

"Wait, wha- NO!" Snippy thought viciously. "This better not be how I get descendants!"

"YOur chOSEn mAte may BE leSS likeLY to MUrdeR YOU if you carry HIS OffSPring."

The host was allowing blood to rush to his face. Interesting reaction. He was also denying "liking" the pilot. But the Biomatrix was monitoring the host's heart rate so there was no point in denying anything. But it would not bring up the female reproductive systems upgrade until after the host was ready to admit its mate choice.

TBC

Chapter Text

Accidently in Love

Dark Lady Devinity

Seven

Things had quieted down since Snippy miraculously came back from the dead. Well, Engie was absolutely terrified of the sniper but he was like that. Some days he was scared of Snippy and some days he was completely exasperated with Snippy. No, what bother Snippy the most was that Pilot was quieter. For one thing, the aviator seemed to know that he had done something wrong by Snippy- that is, more wrong than killing him. Not that Snippy necessarily blamed Pilot for that. Still, Snippy was relieved when Pilot voluntarily gave Captain his neural interface for safe keeping until his left arm could be trusted.

No, Snippy was annoyed that he still liked Pilot even after that stupid seduction scheme.

He had to fix that.

And so, on a gloomy Sunday morning- it felt like a Sunday anyway- the sniper walked up to the aviator and said, "You killed me so you have to take me on a date."

Pilot, sat on the couch in their current base and playing with Mr. Kittyhawk, looked up at Snippy in surprise. He seemed to think about it and then nodded. "I'll ask Captain if it's okay to take a day off from our important missions."

That was far easier than Snippy had been expecting. He even said so to Pilot. The green-goggled man simply shrugged. Then he said something about a voice warning him that he was being bad a long time ago. Between the two of them Pilot was now responsible for a lot of bad. Snippy had no idea what that meant but he was willing to take what he was given.

"Well, ah, you're taking me on this date so think up something good." Snippy said abashedly. He was probably going to regret this sooner than later.

Pilot hummed in agreement. Whether he was agreeing with Snippy's words or with Snippy's thoughts the sniper could not tell.

XxX

"I am so happy for you, mein snippy-sniper!"

Snippy jumped as the loud German-accented voice of Captain assaulted his ears just before the large German body of Captain captured him in veritable death-trap of a hug. Snippy had been stood up in the kitchen trying to decide which type of canned bean he wanted for dinner when Captain mysterious materialized behind him. Snippy struggled for about a minute before giving in and letting his back rest against Captain's chest. There wasn't much point in fighting with his superior commander when said commander wanted to give out free hugs.

"And why are you happy for me?" Snippy asked. "Nothing new has happened."

"You and Pilot are back together! Romance is in the air!" Captain said delightfully. He quickly let go of the sniper so he could spin the man around and grip his shoulders. "This is good! I have agreed to give you two one day free of missions. But you must work extra hard on all zee other days."

Snippy sighed. Pilot clearly had already spoken to the German. "We're not getting back together Captain. I just wanted to know what it would have been like."

"Ah, such a jaded snippy-sniper." Captain announced dramatically, griping his heart with one hand while keeping hold of Snippy's shoulder with the other. Snippy figured he must have looked ready to bolt. Which, okay, he kind of wanted to do.

"You do know he was only trying to date me because he thought it would make you jealous right? Pilot does not like me." Snippy enunciated.

Captain sighed sadly. It sounded like a sympathetic noise. Snippy frowned and vaguely wondered if his goggles were mirroring his bemused expression. Captain was rarely sympathetic to Snippy's feelings. "My snippy-sniper may not be as pretty a girl as his Captain but he has his own very good points. Pilot will see that eventually."

Captain was making it sound like Pilot and Snippy were young children and that Pilot merely had a crush on Snippy's mom- in this case, Captain. But god-worshipping was not the same thing as a crush. Snippy just wanted to try a little experiment, see what he could have had if he was anyone other than himself, and then try to get over the Stockholm Syndrome-type symptoms he seemed to be suffering from. But how could he explain that?

He couldn't.

The simple fact was that Snippy's heart hurt. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had been genuinely interested in him solely for his own merits. That was why Pilot's seduction attempt had worked so well on Snippy and not Captain. Captain was satisfied with everything in his life while Snippy was lonely. He had been lonely for a long time. Captain and Pilot were both too crazy to have meaningful conversations with and, even if they had not been crazy, they were typically happy-go-lucky type people. Then there was Engie, who was the epitome of anti-socialness. Engie wanted to know there were people that he could rely on when things got bad but otherwise left each other alone. Snippy was a pessimist that depressed other people and yet needed to have that little touch of human contact in his life. He had known it was all a game but Pilot had been warm, solid and kind, and Snippy found himself wanting that. He still wanted it.

More than anything, though, Snippy just wanted to move on. And he intended to do just that. His plan was to attempt one date just to get the idea of a meaningful relationship with anyone out of his head.

Captain gave Snippy another, slightly less bone crushing, hug. "Captain always makes things work out for the best, ja? So stop making the sad goggles-face."

"Sometimes I feel like I must be going crazy," Snippy groaned, "but could I have a mission for this afternoon? I need to do something distracting."

It was a relief when Captain sent him out to look for a hot pink collar for Photoshop.

TBC