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Riku starts the live with Sion, he's been wanting to do it right after the Kagawa concert ended, but with logistical problems they just for to it now. He looks at himself from the reflection of the camera, fixing his hair, looking at how he is reflected from the lens. He thinks he looks good, but there's always that urge to look perfect, to fit the standard of beauty he inevitably fails because he's not pale as snow. When there's cracks, he putties it with the compliments he receives and continues to stack it. His mother called recently and told him he does well. Ai-chan said the same. They told him to eat well, and so did Sion who would forcefeed him like a duck to be turned into foie gras since there were days where he just wouldn't eat.
"You have so much strength in your dancing, it's not like Yushi's where it's light." Sion says, which he echoes later in the live. Riku thinks his style is much similar to Sion's and they would dance a lot together and a lot of the fans said their dancing makes sense and they have good visual chemistry and Sion is one known to please, he's the archetypal leader and exceptionally good at fanservice that Riku thinks he should step up to that level every once in a while. Their schedule has been really packed, but Sion still goes on bubble, still sends a selfie and pretends to be their boyfriends which Riku could also do but he's a bit more sensitive with that- thinking that relationships and by extension, marriage is not something to just joke about.
Riku thinks about the upcoming big stages- MAMA and MMA, both of which he missed last year. He watched all of in in the comfort of his home in Fukui, and there's only so much FOMO you can have before you start having thoughts that you're no longer needed and people would be better without you. Which is why he still keeps those letters given to him by the members, taking comfort in replaying Yushi's video telling him he missed him and he feels incomplete without him because God knows Yushi isn't saying that shit to his face. Osaka was unfamiliar to him, but he knows Tokyo. He thinks he probably visited the popular spots more than Yushi, and he's raving to show him around to the spots he and his friends frequented. Riku spent a good deal in Tokyo auditioning and being rejected, with SM only coming around on his last year of global audition. It was bold and ambitious to be so goal-directed, to think you could be something so many people wanted to be without the resources to do it. But Riku kept at it, working his part-time job then practicing dance as much as he could. He would look in the mirror and force himself to do aegyo, to be more personable and stay out of his box.
"These fans are just your friends. Think of them as such." Riku hums to himself as he looks at Ai-chan's material, on how to respond to external pressure and be a version that sings and dances and is liked by others. Riku, for better or for worse, just wanted to be liked.
The live goes on and Riku thinks about how Ryo and Sakuya are probably pantless right. Riku found Ryo really endearing, like a younger brother he never had and dotes on him like his sisters did when he was younger. Ryo joins the live and he proves him right, and Riku gloats on live that he knows Ryo. They talk about age some more and Riku assures the fans that he would continue to do aegyo for as long as he was an idol. He knows it's part of his charm. Riku asks Ryo if he was roommates with Yushi, but Ryo says he's roommates with Sakuya.
"Shit, have I talked about Yushi that much this live? Audience aside, Ryo is very perceptive." Riku glazes over this but he continues with talking to the fans.
Another thing that Riku loved to do was gloat on how much he knew Yushi. It's not like the other member didn't, but Riku would like to think he knew Yushi on an intimate level. Some light kissing truth-or-dare chicken and beer sessions will do that to you. Yushi who would not go truth and always chose dare and Riku was brave enough to dare Yushi to kiss him. Riku thinks Yushi likes him too, even though he doesn't ever say it because Yushi doesn't back away and holds his neck as he tastes garlic on his lips. Pensive kissing aside, he thinks he has the cherry magic gift, but somehow better since he doesn't even need to touch Yushi to read his mind.
When Yushi joins the live, Riku finds him cute and he lets it out.
"Kiyowo."
Riku calls Yushi cute in the span of three minutes which is not a record for him since he calls him even more than that when they're face-to-face. Riku notices Yushi's playing chess again, probably with Jaehee and he's a little hurt since Yushi never invites him to anything. He notices it when he calls Jaehee to play soccer or even whatever switch game they have with the maknaes. Riku's never asked to do anything with him, but he doesn't take it to heart because Yushi can do anything and he'd probably get bored. As much as he knew Yushi, Yushi also knew him and they danced around what they knew about each other like two people who started dated would-bringing maximal pleasure and interest and always making sure the other was satisfied.
"Riku, you kissed him once. Or twice. You're not dating."
When Riku thinks about it, Yushi was also talking about playing the piano the other day. Riku couldn't play the piano but Jaehee could. He even mimicked Jaehee doing it the other day. But this blooming jealousy/frustration was unhealthy and Riku acknowledged it before it became toxic. This was Jaehee he was talking about, Jaehee who would play him Sparkle from Kimi Na Wa when he was having a bad day just because he could.
"You know Yushi more than Jaehee does. It's okay." Riku internalizes, and he watches Yushi more and calls him cute a couple more times before he slips out that he's cute like a girl.
That's suspicious.
Riku has only ever liked girls but Yushi was an exception. Much like Yushi made exceptions for him with his sweat and saliva and petting his styled hair which Sakuya would get an immediate death stare for, Riku could do almost anything with Yushi and let him get away with it.
Riku could handle a scare. He wanted the comfort of their dorm again, going all midnight on Yushi as they buzz that one drink since Riku is a lightweight. Riku ignores the sweaty, shaky hands Yushi is adamant to turn into sweater paws as he holds his hand. He's not wasted but his heart is punched by Yushi's refusal to interlace with him. Riku presses down on him for a few seconds and it fixes things, and the blood is real and it rushed to his fingertips but not his lungs as he finds himself breathless just touching Yushi's hand.
There's too much to carry.
When Yushi pulls out a keychain he basically stole, Riku asks why he didn't get him one as well. Riku would get Yushi a similar one. Riku would match with him when he could.
"There was no red one. Sorry." Yushi won't lie for him this time. He was a good cat who Riku understood as much as he could, but was an enigma all the same. They work together and won't work. Wanting Yushi was like leasing insanity, but the alternative was regret and Riku didn't want that. He believed in doing his best and trying and letting the cards fall into place.
"I've been watching your live the entire time." Yushi says, nonchalantly.
"Yuu-chan likes us." Riku says, the ting of his thinner inner voice wanting to say that Yushi likes him. It's visceral. The tongue in his mouth wants to say he like Yushi too but he bites it and the weight pins on him like he hasn't eaten.
Yushi nods, the reluctant nod he always gives Riku because every lie with Riku was caught in a half-truth of wanting to be similar enough that they're compatible. Yushi lies about not wanting coffee too since Riku doesn't like it, but with Riku, he can't lie. Riku knows him too much.
"This is awkward for you? You want to leave?" Riku asks, knowing full well the answer but an open invitation for Yushi to sleep and rest now. Riku would end every live for Yushi to get an extra hour of sleep, he's done it multiple times before hoping the fans wouldn't notice.
Yushi says no multiple times, flashing all his teeth which gets him a pass and Riku thinks he's funny and charming. Riku stares at him, willing him to stay. There's so much tension you could cut a knife with, and they weren't even in the same room.
Before he gives away too much, Yushi leaves the live despite knowing that Riku wants him to stay.
For weeks, what Riku's been thinking, he wants to say out loud.
He wants Yushi to stay. He wants Yushi. He teases him to make him notice because otherwise, Yushi would keep his distance.
Yushi leaves anyway. Riku just can't figure out the timing. He's smiling ear to ear though, honey pouring out his eyes that have disappeared into slits since Yushi was smiling back at him.
He calls Yushi cute multiple times, and Yushi doesn't return it a single time. With Yushi, he had to endure because Jaehee or Sion would've called him cute too by now but with Yushi, he's always waiting to be acknowledged and he doesn't question it like how a devout Catholic wouldn't question God. With Yushi, he just lets things be and they fall into place. Being with Yushi was that easy despite it making his hair fall off sometimes (which to be fair, was also natural- telogen effluvium).
God help him, he's so in love.
P.S.
"Is Riku enough?"
"You're enough." (For Riku, this was enough affection from Yushi to last a week)