Chapter Text
Todd wasn’t acting right. He hadn’t for a while now, but for some reason no one had noticed, or at least they hadn’t talked about it. Billy saw him only a few times a week these days but even then he could see something was wrong. The exhaustion that framed his face was frightening. At first, he put it down to the half marathon he was training for with Theo, raising money for the charity that had helped Paul. When he first heard about it, he had been hit with both painful memories and immense gratitude to the couple. Summer was ecstatic and, for the first week or two, so was he.
But then the only times he would see Todd was when he was running with Theo. He would smile at him, say all the right things, act like usual, but physically, he was anything but. He could see the shape of his skull through his face, the rings under his eyes stuck out way too far and he looked as though his body was so brittle it would snap from any kind of force. Billy tried to talk himself out of any worry for his good friend, after all, he was training hard for Paul and he didn’t want to discourage the man.
He was torn. Todd hated people interfering, and he could see how he could be making a mountain of a molehill and any suggestion that something was wrong would cause another fight. However, there were other signs that stuck out to him that might not have worried him on their own, but did in context. For instance, it looked like Todd hadn’t found himself another job. He couldn’t be sure because he hadn’t spoken to him about the subject, not wanting to snoop where might be uncomfortable. He’d also spoken to Summer and she had said she’d seen him about as much Billy had seen him, which wasn’t a lot. There was a lot you can say about Todd, but he loved Summer and it was odd for him to be neglecting her.
Of course, Billy feared for the worst. The rapid loss of weight, the distance he held everyone at, it all pointed at one possibility for him.
Todd was ill.
He couldn’t bear the thought of it. He had been overjoyed when Tood told him the test results were good and stupidly, he’d believed him. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Todd was always so bad at being vulnerable, it wasn’t in him, and it led him to self destruct. A variety of possibilities zoomed around his brain. Cancer was the main one, it was what he had been worried about before and it wouldn’t be the first time the doctors had missed something wrong for anyone. Of course, he didn’t want to assume, he shouldn’t even be speculating. He didn’t want to breach his privacy.
Still, he couldn’t help it. Todd was one of his oldest friends, someone who if he hadn’t had when Paul died, he probably would’ve joined him eventually. He didn’t dare think about it too long because the thought was so real and vivid. It still felt fresh after all this time and maybe that was why he was worrying like this for Todd. Or maybe he knew to see the signs of someone who knows they’re ill now. Maybe he was being paranoid but what if he wasn’t? Could he take that risk?
That question was answered the next time he saw Todd running with Theo. Through all of this, Billy still had some peace knowing that he probably wasn’t going through anything alone because Theo was always with him. He found it sweet, and he ached as he pushed down the jealousy of still having that person.
Todd staggered into a walk when he saw Billy approaching and Theo soon stopped by him with a hand on his shoulder. The man was even thinner than the last time he saw him, he didn’t know how anyone else couldn’t see it. His body looked tense, probably from the exercise but maybe worry and pain too. There were so many ifs and maybes that Billy couldn’t keep his head straight. Every second he was second guessing himself. However, he forced himself to get in line and to set out what he knew needed to happen.
“Hey, fancy seeing you! Was gonna go for a coffee if you wanna join me, we could catch up, it’s been ages!” He tried to keep his tone light but the desperation was most likely seeping through from the look on Todd’s face.
“Uhhh, I don’t know, I’ve got to finish this run, you see..” Todd looked to Theo and the expression was odd. Theo looked as if he didn't have a care in the world. He was probably better at hiding his emotions, or more likely, Billy couldn’t read him as well.
“No, come on, please! We’ve got so much to talk about, I need to tell you about Summer.” Billy was lying through his teeth, he knew this, but it was all in a service to a greater good.
Still, the man didn’t speak. He looked unsure of himself, as if a catch up would make the world explode. It was frightening to see in the man who was usually so confident in himself. It wasn’t until Theo gave a small nod, giving Todd the strength to speak, that he accepted. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
He watched as Theo placed a kiss on Todd’s face, something that was so small yet manifested so largely on Todd’s face, and it made Billy question things. Was Todd even hiding things from Theo? Still, he and Todd walked towards Roy’s and grabbed themselves a table without saying a word to each other, content in each other’s silence.
Billy ordered for them both, getting Todd’s favourite, when Todd changed the order to a tea. His stomach churned at the thought that he could have possible dietary restrictions from an illness that made him cut out coffee. His idea of what Todd was going through kept getting worse and worse.
“So, how are you?” Todd led the question, clearly interested but desperate to not talk about himself. “And how’s Summer? What’s been going on with her?”
“Ah.” Billy hated that he used Summer as a trick to get Todd to talk to him. Still, he had to do what he had to do. “Well, the truth is, she’s okay. Nothing wrong, nothing different, same with me. I mainly wanted to know if you’re okay.”
The tone of the conversation was slipping but Todd seemed determined to keep it from happening. He looked stunned at the question, like he hadn’t heard it in ages, but quickly recovered.
“Yeah, I’m great! Looking forward to the marathon and whatnot.”
He didn’t clarify further, and that was how Billy knew something was wrong.
“Todd,” Billy reached his hands across the table and laid them on top of Todd’s, “I want to know if you’re okay, seriously. You know you can tell me anything, yeah?”
Todd withdrew his hands as though they had been burnt and looked down at them, like they were scarred. “Seriously, Billy, I’m fine.”
“Maybe I’d believe you if you could look me in the eye.”
Todd sharply looked back up, staring into Billy’s eyes. He wasn’t fine, he was performing as someone who was fine, it was clear as day.
“See? Fine.”
“You know, if you’re ill or something, you don’t have to go through it alone, I-“
“This is what this is then? You think I’m ill?” Todd snapped back, startling Billy. “You think I’m some frail man who’s dying?”
“That’s not what I said…”
“No it is! You need a new man to look after and you’re choosing me, well, it’s not happening!”
Even Todd seemed shocked by his own words, half the cafe did. Most of all, so was Billy.
“What did you mean by that?”
Todd was silent again, clearly ashamed of his words. Billy knew what he meant, so did everyone. And to think Billy was worried about him.
“I thought you’d changed.”
“I have, I’m sorry.”
“No.” Billy interrupted flatly. “You haven’t.”
He left his still warm coffee on the counter and stormed out, not being able to stand the sight of the man, who only a few seconds ago, he had been deathly worried about. Literally.
He made his way back to his home and he knew Todd was coming after him, he could hear his apologies, his explanations, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be alone. Unfortunately, he couldn’t even get that because when he went to close the door, Todd had entered the flat anyway.
“I thought I made it clear that I don’t want to see you.”
“No, I have to explain, I’m sorry!”
“Get out!”
Billy hadn’t just shouted, he had screamed. He was so angry, so disappointed, so let down that he couldn’t take it. He wanted to cry, to shout more, to scream more, to punch a wall, to do anything, but he let the silence fall, hoping Todd would leave.
Todd didn’t leave. He wasn’t doing anything. He was simply standing there.
“Didn’t you hear me, get out!” Billy repeated himself but to no avail, Todd was as stationary as before. He had expected some kind of reaction, any kind, but the man was still standing where he was.
And then he paid closer attention. His whole body was rigid, far too rigid. His eyes weren’t exactly wide open, they were tense. They weren’t looking at him either, they didn’t appear to be looking at anything. It was the weirdest thing Billy had ever seen and it immediately washed away his anger.
“Todd?”
No response. His eyes were still glazed over, his body still apart from a slight tremor in his hand.
He waved a hand in front of his face.
Nothing. Billy wasn’t sure what to do. The tremor was getting more prominent.
He held onto his hand.
Todd exploded into life and hurled himself backwards into the wall at lightning speed, making Billy jump. He collapsed down onto the floor by the wall as his breath got louder and shorter and suddenly, Billy knew what this was. He was having a panic attack.
His autopilot turned on and he knelt on the floor to reach Todd’s level. He made sure not to touch him again as that was probably what led him further into the state he was in, so instead he spoke gently to him.
“It’s okay Tood, I’m here, it’s Billy. You’re safe, you’re in my flat, remember?”
Billy talked to him for who knew how long, mostly repeating those exact words, until Todd slowly began to come back to himself and become aware of his surroundings. It was terrifying. He had seen people have panic attacks, he’d had them himself, but seeing Todd have one was devastating. It was an image he wasn’t sure he’d ever get out of his head.
“Billy?” Todd probably only realised who was in front of him and where he was, as he looked around the room in confusion.
“Yeah, it’s me.” Billy smiled comfortingly. “I think you had a panic attack.”
“Oh.” Todd’s face turned flat once again. “I’m sorry, I need to get back to the flat, Theo’s probably wondering where I am.”
“There’s no need, I can call him here if you want?”
“No!” Todd protested, like he had snapped back to life to stop Billy from calling him. Billy didn’t understand. “You don’t need to do that, thank you.”
“Okay, but I’m gonna get you some water, yeah? Then we can have a good proper talk.”
Billy rose to his feet and walked towards a kitchen, still keeping a small eye on Todd. He was still sitting where he was, now with the palms of his hands on his face. It took until Billy had returned with the water to realise he was crying.
“I’m sorry.” Todd muttered through tear soaked hands. “I’m sorry for what I said, I’m sorry I’m here right now, I don’t mean any of it, I really don’t.”
“Shh, just take the water, you must be dehydrated.” He watched Todd’s hands descend from his face and reach for the water, revealing his red face. “And panicked, from the looks of it. Todd, please be honest with me, what’s wrong?”
That seemed to be the question and Todd was looking like he was finally considering an answer. Billy let him think about what to say, he knew whatever it was, it wasn’t small. He could just blurt it out. But watching him struggle to express his feelings with words was killing him.
What came next killed him more.
“I don’t know what to do.” He looked Billy in the eyes again, but this time he wasn’t holding back. “Nothing I do is right. I’m a horrible person, I can’t even make tea right. Everything I do, everyone I know, I hurt them. I’m so tired Billy.”
Todd wasn’t sobbing. Tears fell from his eyes but his face and voice weren’t affected. He was numb, and Billy knew why. Because it was his everyday life. It had collapsed on him, taking all the fight from him. He didn’t get what he was saying. How could he think those things?
Todd had history. He wasn’t always the best person, but despite what he had said earlier, he knew he had changed. He was kinder, more empathetic, a person that people genuinely liked and that was because he was good. He had supported Theo despite his hidden wife and kids, he was nothing if not kind.
But why did he believe this so deeply? He didn’t just say he was a bad person, he said he did everything wrong, even the simple act of making tea. He had never seen the man with such a low opinion of himself. He wasn’t sure if he’d met anyone who believed they were that bad.
Or had he?
He was a vicar, he met countless people in his day-to-day life and that meant seeing all kinds of things people struggled with. He saw dying people, he saw people struggle with their own faith, he saw people fight the urge to betray their own morals or what they believed was sin, and he saw people broken. He saw women who stood at the back of the church, hiding in themselves and freezing when their husbands took their hand to lead them home. He saw bruises that he wasn’t supposed to see and he talked to those women who would never say a bad word against their husbands, only themselves. He saw what kind of pain their eyes held, how hollowed out they were, and for the first time, he recognised them in Todd.
His stomach sank. He had been so blind. It started to make sense, every piece of the jigsaw started clicking into place all at once and every single sign was made clear. The lies, the constant attachment to each other, the way he had to check with Theo to see if he could have a coffee with him. But it went further back than that. Theo was always talking for him, always making decisions for the both of them, making him stay away from Billy, supporting his choice to quit his job, entering him into the half marathon. The food too. It had been months since he had seen Todd eat what he really liked. He hadn’t had a kebab in months, he hadn’t eaten a pastry in front of him, and now, on his floor, he was far too bony for it to be natural. He was ill, but he hadn’t realised someone had been making him ill.
“Oh Todd.” Billy couldn’t help but draw him into the tightest hug he could manage. The other man collapsed into him and finally, he was sobbing.
“I know, I know, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t see it.”
They held the embrace and Billy didn’t dare to let go first. He wanted Todd to know that he was here, that he always would be, no matter what. He pushed down his rage towards Theo, he had to save that for another day because right now, Todd needed him and he was going nowhere.