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1 month has passed since everything changed. It’s like his life was split in two lines now; one half with happiness and the other with depression. Eddie’s death had affected Dustin more than he ever anticipated. Then again, how can anyone mentally prepare for how the death of one of their best friends would affect them? He kept thinking it should’ve been prevented, could’ve been prevented if he had just fought harder to stop Eddie from his reckless yet admirable sacrifice. The pain was consuming him and he was engulfed in the stages of grief. Which one do you ask? They rotated on a spit day after day. Some days he felt a rage so deep he thought he would explode. Others, he felt like laying in the dark and crying until he lost all energy and would just sleep for hours upon hours. And some days, the darkest of all, he would just wander the woods, blankly staring at the endless sea of pine trees and dissociate for miles until he had realized the sun had set and he was hours from home. It wasn’t getting any better as the time passed either. There were days that seemed ok. But for the most part the guilt of that day was slowly creeping over Dustin like a shadow he would never be able to shake off.
Steve on the other hand, was mentally at a loss too. Although he didn’t have the same relationship with Eddie as Dustin had, he had no idea how to cheer up his younger friend. Hell, Dustin was more of a little brother than anything at this point and knowing the amount of pain he’s been in the past few weeks was enough to make Steve want to cry himself. It was almost impossible to reach him, Steve tried for the first few days after Eddie died to talk to Dustin, but he quickly became very closed off and started distancing himself from Steve little by little. First, he stopped coming by the video store as he and Robin worked at. He stopped acting like a pain in the ass too, always hopping over the counter, making fun of something Steve or Robin were doing, or eating a bag of chips too close to the computer. Instead, Dustin would just come in and wander about, make some small talk about whatever new movies were out and then leave with a sad smile.. But what truly did it for Steve was when Dustin stopped playing D&D. That game, that stupid game that he played with Eddie that caused Steve so much jealousy from the bond it formed between the two of them- when Dustin abruptly gave that up and instead just sported that hideous yet tragically meaningful “Hellfire Club” shirt as some kind of poignant reminder of the death, THAT is when Steve knew he had to step in. He tried to talk to Dustin one day at the video store, bust his balls about not playing anymore or hearing any dorky updates about the game, but Dustin didn’t even crack a smile or whip out a comeback.
“Yeah, not in this lifetime. I’d appreciate it if you shut the fuck up about the club too. You don’t have to pretend you didn’t make fun of it every single day.”
Steve stared at Dustin. He was half proud of the kid for standing up to him like that, and half annoyed. The little shit. He ditched him half of last year for that stupid D&D club.
“Yeah you got it man. I won’t mention it anymore.” Steve said casually, turning his attention to his work and kept entering returns on the computer.
Dustin secretly wanted Steve to push back at his cruel remark- he felt so numb lately he didn’t even mean for his comment to come off how it did, but he didn’t have it in him to apologize either. Nothing seemed to matter.
“So listen, uh me and Robin were going to see a movie tonight come with us.” Steve proposed hoping Dustin would agree and come along- it had felt like ages since the kid was tagging along with them. Although it never really felt like he was imposing, despite the age difference Steve truly saw Dustin as a best friend.
Dustin rubbed his temples. “Look Steve I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I just…I can’t okay?” He looked away for a moment. “It’s just, it’s too soon.”
Steve sighed, but he was careful to not make it too obvious his disappointment. “Yeah man, I get it. I just…I think you should be around people right now. You’re not yourself and I’m worried about you. Robin is too. And I’m not asking you to be happy and ok with everything, shit I still wake up with my head spinning most nights but I really think…”
Dustin cut off Steve in his pathetic yet slightly endearing rant. “Steve. Stop.” he moved closer and really made sure Steve heard his plea this time. “Steve, I just can't live like nothing happened. It doesn’t feel right…to Eddie…” his voice trailed off.
The pain of that night was hitting him again. He never even told Steve what really happened. Just that Eddie stayed behind and the bats got him. Every time he replayed the memory of Eddie dying in his arms, he wanted to go back in time and do something, anything that would change the events. If only he had stopped him, begged him to stay.
“You okay dude?” Steve said quietly. Dustin looked like he was dissociating.
Dustin quickly snapped out of his trance and rubbed his eyes for a minute. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Shit, fine let’s just go see that movie I guess all I’ll be doing is sleeping at home anyways.”
Steve drew in a breath before speaking again. He knew he was potentially playing with fire here but he needed to do something to get through to the kid. It was depressing to watch him drown in his grief.
“You know it’s not your fault right?” He said with sad eyes looking over at the poor kid who looked like he was seconds away from crumbling.
Steve’s words cut deep. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about what really happened. So how did Steve know he was feeling so much guilt?
“What? Yeah no I know that. Eddie did what he wanted in the end…” He said his voice choking on the last word.
“Dustin, I mean it. I know you’ve been blaming yourself since it happened. It’s why you’ve been so distant from everything.”
“Because I should have stopped him!” Dustin yelled this time, his voice raspy and hoarse. “I KNEW Steve, I fucking KNEW something was going to happen if I didn’t stop him. He wanted to go all hail mary and be some hero. When I…when I got back to him, he was just laying there on the ground…the blood….” his voice trailed off and tears began to sting his eyes.
Steve could feel his heart hurting. It was the first time Dustin had really snapped.
“I tried…to get him to move. But he was bleeding too fast. He died in my arms Steve.” Dustin said tears were pouring down his cheeks now. He didn’t care anymore. All the time he was trying to hold it in, be absent, and not remember was becoming too painful.
“Dustin…” Steve started to say, sadness in his voice. It was killing him to see Dustin this way. He was always the happiest kid, so goofy and loving and at times a total sarcastic asshole.
Dustin wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “Whatever though.” he muttered. “He’s not coming back and I…I have to live with this now.”
Steve shook his head. “Henderson, I need you to listen to me okay?” He moved over and put his hands on the boy’s shoulders looking him in the eyes. “You didn’t do this. It’s…it’s ok to miss him. I'm not saying that you…that we should forget about him. But you did not do this. It’s not your fault.”
Dustin looked back up at Steve and he couldn’t do it anymore- pretending he was just numb, that he didn’t care when he was in so much pain. He threw his body against Steve and the sobs overtook him.
Steve sighed and wrapped his arms around Dustin just holding him tightly. “Just…let it out man.” He said as Dustin continued to cry into his shirt.
It wasn’t until this very moment that Dustin realized how badly he needed this. He had been holding it in since the day after Eddie died and nothing has felt ok since. He was so scared that if he started to cry again he would never be able to stop. So he turned off every emotion except for anger and guilt and just general apathy to everything. But with Steve being there- he just couldn’t do it anymore.
After what felt like an eternity, Dustin pulled back, wiping his nose and eyes with his sleeve. He was almost scared to speak- Steve had never seen him like this before. “I’m…shit I’m sorry you don’t need to see this…”
“Shut up Henderson you have nothing to be sorry for okay? I’m here for you, you know that don’t you?” Steve said, his heart still breaking at the thought of Dustin wanting to hide his feelings.
Dustin felt a little less embarrassed for a second. He drew in a shaky breath “I just hate crying because it feels like I don’t deserve to, I’m still here. I’m the one who got to live, he died for me…for all of us…” his voice filled with so much pain and remorse.
Steve shook his head. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be sad Dustin. You’re crying because you miss him. There’s nothing wrong with that. You hear me?” Steve said, desperately trying to get through to him.
He felt more tears fall down his face, his vision went blurry. “No one has said that to me…” He said covering his face again with his hands, this time hysterical as he leaned over the counter of the register sobbing into his hands. It was true though. After Eddie died, the rest of the gang was sympathetic, sure, but they never really asked him how he was doing. Told him it was ok to cry, ok to not be ok. But here was Steve, giving him the permission to fall apart.
Tears were stinging Steve’s eyes at this point. It was like watching someone you love the most in this world not be able to be helped. But he knew just being there for Dustin was what the kid needed the most.
Moving closer, he just simply placed his hand on Dustin’s back and leaned against him, rubbing his back as he continued to cry into the counter top.
Dustin turned toward Steve crying once again into his jacket. God he was pathetic. But it felt so good to just let go of all the pain he had been bottling up for weeks.
“Alright, fuck, I need to stop.” Dustin pulled back, kicking his foot hard against the wall behind him.
“Don’t go there. It’s…” Steve started to say
“Please don’t…”
“Just between us, man.” Steve said, slapping a hand on Dustin’s back, rubbing his shoulders before breaking hold. “I never saw a thing.” He said smirking this time.
Dustin finally laughed, wiping his eyes a final time. “Alright, so what movie are we seeing again tonight with Robin?”
“Well I really want to see Planes, Trains and Automobiles, but Robin is dead set on some weird ass movie called The Witches of Eastwick. Guess you’re the tie breaker Henderson.”
“Yeah you lost me at witches, let’s go.” Dustin cracked a genuine smile.