Chapter Text
Despite the excitement of the morning meeting with Jing Yuan’s sudden announcement, the rest of the day continues as slow and boring as any other. I can't say I share that excitement, however.
Jing Yuan could have easily chosen an easier party theme to work with. But a half-baked theme is also like him.
I look down at my watch and realize it’s nearly lunch. With a sigh I head back, I need to clock out properly or else I’ll get scolded again.
As I’m walking back I see a familiar face standing in front of the building as if she’s waiting for someone.
Fu Xuan’s gaze meets mine as she says, “I figured you’d be showing up around this time.”
I unconsciously grimace and her expression softens some.
“You shouldn’t let this become a habit. Work may be lax at the moment, but we’ll be getting busier in the near future.” Her tone is even, this isn’t the first time I’ve been given this warning and we both know it isn’t likely going to be the last.
If it ever becomes an actual problem I’ll stop, but for now we both head inside and punch our cards before turning around to head back out.
This has become a sort of routine for us somehow. It started a few months after we began working together, when she first caught me sneaking back in and asked me to join her for lunch. Now it’s a little joke between us that I quietly appreciate having.
We head out for the usual burger place that’s nearby and make our orders.
“Do you have any plans for what to wear for the party?” Fu asks casually.
“I’m not really sure, I figured I’d just throw on whatever and leave it at that.”
“You know that won’t cut it, the point is to try something new for a night.” Fu refutes it more firmly than I had expected her to.
“It’s not a big deal, right? Jing Yuan probably came up with the idea last night and now we’re having to deal with his whims as per usual.” I say what I feel is a pretty fair justification, but her gaze doesn’t falter, so I awkwardly try to shift the topic away from me.
“Since you asked, what were you planning to wear then?”
“I’m not dropping the subject of you that easily, I’ll have you know. But fine. Since it seems like it may be a good opportunity, I was considering wearing a suit.” She takes a dainty sip of her drink as I’m taken aback.
It’s true that she mostly wears skirts and blouses around the office, they suit her a lot especially given her smaller stature. I imagine anything within the category of ‘cute’ would probably look good on her - which is why I struggle for a few moments trying to imagine what she’d look like wearing a suit before giving up on the endeavor.
Fu watches me for a moment, a small smile catching on her lips and though it’s something I’m usually happy to see, I have a bad feeling about this.
“I’d like you to fully consider it before rejecting the idea, but I did have a thought on what you could wear.”
“Well, now I’m feeling kinda worried, but alright what’s your idea?” I can’t say I would have ever expected Fu to pay me any particular mind in this sort of way so I perk up a little even though a part of me says I should be careful. With a nod she continues.
“Given your usual attire of business casual t-shirts and jeans, I think the ‘opposite’ of what people would expect from you would be something unquestionably feminine. Paired with my costume, I think we could make a statement.” She says it like it’s an entirely ordinary and rational notion to propose to your friend.
“What you mean to say is, you want me to dress as a woman?”
“In short, yes, that is the idea.”
“Absolutely not!” There’s simply no way I could do something like that. I know what I look like and how people see me. It’s one thing for a woman like her to dress up, nobody will think any less of her for it but for someone like me? I don’t think I could live it down. A pit forms in my stomach at the thought, it feels unfair but it’s true, right?
Seeing my reaction, Fu wilts, her brow furrowing. “I told you to fully consider it before saying no. I’ll be with you the entire time naturally, I believe we can turn what is “one of Jing Yuan’s whims” as you put it, into an actually enjoyable night.” Her expression softens as she continues. “I feel like you’re one of the people I’ve become closest with in our time working together. I can’t ask anyone else for this, but I will respect your choice if you truly do not want to.”
Hearing her say that makes a surge of emotions swell up in me, that anxiety over how others will see me. How she will see me is there at the forefront but behind it is the fact I don’t want to let her down. There’s also some unnamed feeling flickering somewhere right above my navel, an unspoken yearning that says if I don’t try this then I will regret it. So with a resigned sigh, I give my answer.
“Fine, fine…I’m willing to give it a shot. You’re right, I do think it might be fun. But only if you stick with me for the entire night. I don’t want to be ditched while wearing whatever you put me in. Also, I don’t know the first thing about women’s fashion so I’ll have to leave that up to you.”
I look up at her after spilling all of this out and see her blink at me, genuinely surprised at me even with all my stipulations. It only lasts for a moment before she recomposes herself.
“That’s entirely fine. I already knew that would be the case. Truth be told, I already have an outfit in mind for you.” An air of satisfaction radiates from her, clear as day despite her attempt to hide it by taking a small bite of her food.
“Really? Now I have to ask what it is, if you already had it all planned out.” I try to ask it in my usual joking way, but I really am curious so I unconsciously lean in across the table.
“I think I’ll let that remain a surprise for you to look forward to,” she says with a sly smile and uses the fry she was about to eat to point at me to punctuate it. I can’t help but laugh at the sight of it because of how contrary it is to her usual image. I wonder how many people get to see this side of Fu Xuan?
“What are you laughing about so suddenly?” she says with mock offense.
“It’s nothing, really. Yeah, I guess I’ll just look forward to it.” I say with a smile of my own, opting to keep my full thoughts to myself.
***
A few days go by without much affair, aside from the unnecessarily large storage room attached to the office being rearranged and decorated to serve as the venue for the Halloween party. I’m one of the people tasked with helping put up the tacky Halloween decor. I climb down from the ladder after hanging up the last of the fake bats and spiders and overhear a conversation from two of the others helping out today.
“This is going to be so fun! I’m telling you, Su, that our couples’ fits will pop off on insta!” Guinaifen was excitedly chatting with the more mild mannered Sushang about what sounds like their plans for the party tomorrow. They’re the ‘office couple.’ There’s no policy against dating within the office and nobody seems to mind that they’re both girls. So, they feel no need to hide it at all, though frankly I don’t think Guinaifen could hide it even if she tried. She’s practically attached to her girlfriend’s hip.
I haven’t spoken with her much, so when she catches sight of me and starts to bounce over, I’m at a bit of a loss for how to speak to her.
“Hey, what were you planning on going as?” She leans in a little too close as she asks but I can’t sense anything out of place in her tone. She’s just this way I guess.
“ N-nothing special, I have some plans with Fu but she’s the one actually coordinating it so I can’t tell you too much.” I take what I hope is a casual step away.
“Ohh, Ms. Fu Xuan?” She holds up a hand to her mouth as if scandalized and turns to Sushang who has since walked up alongside her and continues, “you hear that? There’s an affair with the manager! Now this is getting spicy~”
“Is that true? I didn’t think you were the type, but hmm.” She puts a finger to her chin and squints hard at me as if trying to deduce something before continuing, “I guess people can surprise you like that, huh.” I didn’t know if I should be offended or not by whatever conclusion she just came to, so instead I just shake my head.
“You’ve got it all wrong, it’s nothing like that. We were just having lunch together the other day and she brought up the party and one thing led to another…” I trail off. I didn’t want to give away too many details or else they might start asking some really hard questions. I had to make it clear for Fu’s sake that it wasn’t anything like that.
“Hmm, well if you say so. C’mon Gui, we’ve finished our side of the room so let’s leave them be.” Sushang loops her arm in with her girlfriend’s and begins to walk them both out saving me from further embarrassment in the process. Before they’re out though Guinaifen looks back and calls out, “I’m looking forward to seeing you two at the party!”
I give her my best attempt at a smile with a small wave goodbye and then they’re gone. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding.
I’m going to have to tell Fu about this before it inevitably becomes office gossip, I don’t want her to be blindsided by it. I’m sure she’ll have some idea of how to dismiss the rumor before it can take off.
***
It’s now Saturday - the day I’ve been both dreading and somehow kind of looking forward to. Since she’s the one providing the outfit, which she still hasn’t shown me for that matter, there’s nothing for me to do until she gets in touch. She gave me her phone number yesterday, ostensibly for this purpose I know, but it still made my heart skip a little. I know an adult like me shouldn’t be getting so worked up over a phone number, but it did feel special.
I fall back onto the couch, exasperated with myself. Now really isn’t the time to be realizing I have a crush on one of my bosses. Sure, we get along well enough but something like this would only make things awkward for her. “I’ll just have to push these feelings down so things can stay as they are.”
When my phone buzzes, I’m jolted back to reality. The text reads:
“Can you come over? I need to do some fitting checks. We need to do it now so that I can find something else in time, in case I estimated your sizes wrong. Here’s my address.”
Staring down at the message, I read and reread it a few times.That lump of anxiety is returning but I try to push it down as I open up a ride-share app and punch in the address she gave me. Despite what I was telling myself earlier and what I know I should do, there’s still a twinge of anticipation at the prospect of being invited over to her house for the first time.
While I wait for my ride to arrive, I head into the bathroom to freshen up. Combing the tangles out of my long hair takes several minutes but I’m relatively satisfied with the results. Looking over myself in the mirror, old memories of people telling me I should cut my hair, that it’s too long for a boy, float up to the front of my mind.
I’ve always liked having long hair and whenever my parents made me get it cut I’d be depressed for the whole week. As soon as I was old enough to have a say over myself I’ve only gotten the dead ends trimmed. I suppose the plans for tonight are dredging up old memories like that. I can’t help but look myself over in the mirror and try to see a girl there. To imagine myself in a dress and with makeup, but after a few moments I give up.
I’ve spent my life with this face, so long hair or not, I know to everyone it is the face of a “boy” so I can’t see it any other way either. A familiar hollow feeling opens up in me - it’s not the first time.
***
I find myself in front of Fu Xuan’s apartment building. It’s surprisingly mundane, the neighborhood seems to be peaceful. Urging myself forward, I head inside and a short elevator ride leads me to her door. I consider knocking but for some reason the idea makes me self-conscious so I settle for texting her that I’m outside. After a few moments I hear movement from inside and the door opens.
“You finally made it, come in.” She flashes me a warm smile as I quickly take off my shoes and get led inside. I can’t help but look around and soak in as much detail as I can. Her living room is well-kept and thoughtfully decorated without being cluttered, a few throw pillows on the couch, some framed prints adorning the walls and an elegant glass coffee table.
I can tell how much thought went into each detail. It’s easy to imagine her meticulously going over each and every option given how diligent she is with detailed work at the office. I smile without meaning to and Fu notices.
“What are you smiling about? Is my apartment not how you expected?”
“The opposite, I just found it amusing how it is so utterly you.”
She frowns a little at this, “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but I’ll choose to take it as one.”
“Follow me, we need to get started. We're cutting it close as is.” She beckons me to follow and leads me into what must be her room. She opens up her closet and searches around for a few moments before pulling out a dress. The first thing that catches my eye is how deep the blue is and how the fabric seems to sparkle when light catches it in places, as if tiny gems were woven in.
“I bought this for myself online a few weeks ago but they got the size wrong, it’s too big for me,” she holds the dress up in front of me for a moment before continuing “but I think it might just fit you perfectly.”
She hands me the dress. “Here, I’ll leave you alone to get changed. It should be simple enough to slip on but if you need any help, I’ll be on the other side of the door.” Fu gives me a reassuring squeeze on my arm and then she’s out the door. I’m left alone with the dress and I stare down at it for a few long moments, the fabric feels so incredibly smooth. I wonder if it’s silk?
I gingerly place it on the bed, careful not to crease it and begin stripping down. As she said, it’s about as easy to put on as a shirt. I’m not used to this much cloth so I fumble with it for an embarrassing few seconds but after that it’s done. Thankful that she hadn’t seen any of that, I call out. “Alright, I think I’m ready!”
She reenters the room and I’m scared at how unreadable her expression is, for what feels like a small eternity she looks me over - evaluating how the dress hugs my non-existent curves.
An icy dread starts to wash over me. I must look like such a fool, that hollow feeling rises up for the second time today. Just as it’s beginning, however, Fu speaks up, “Hmm. It actually looks better on you than I had expected. You’d think it was custom tailored for you given how well it molds to you.” She hums a little in thought before continuing, “Now, sit down over here. I’ll do your makeup. I don’t think you actually need that much though.”
I sit down and close my eyes as she sets to work.
“Your skin is already quite clear and smooth, so I’ll keep it simple.”
It’s a bit strange as I feel her work, I can only imagine how it will turn out. I try to picture it with what little I know about makeup and fashion. I feel like I know more than the average guy, but when I try to mentally apply these things to myself the image becomes murky and blurred as if through frosted glass. “Alright, you may open your eyes now.”
I see myself in the vanity mirror, or rather what I know intuitively must be me. Though if I was shown a picture of this person I would not recognize myself. The woman in the azure dress staring back at me is beautiful, she has smokey eyes and a bold cherry lipgloss. There’s a hint of blush on her cheeks that give her a warm aura. It’s surreal to see her turn in sync with me. I never knew I could look like this.
I don’t know why but I feel giddy. I never thought this would be possible… I had always thought that I looked average, but this is the first time I’ve ever truly enjoyed seeing myself in the mirror.
While entranced, Fu makes herself known by clearing her throat. “So, what do you think?”
There’s a curl of a smile on her lips.
“I… I think you did a really good job.” I settle for that. “This might just work out after all.” It seems to be a good enough response for Fu because that half smile becomes a full, proud smile..
“You doubted me? Well, I’ll let it slide because I think your reflection is all the vindication I need.”
I quietly say, “You’re absolutely right. I never should have doubted you.”
***
My mind is still racing when Fu Xuan says it’s her turn to get changed and asks me to wait outside the door like she did. A few minutes pass by before I hear her call out that she’s ready through the door. I head inside and am immediately stunned, Fu Xuan has a lavender three piece suit on and her long, silky hair is neatly tied back into a ponytail.
She turns this way and that to showcase it for me before asking,
“Well? What do you think?”
“I think you look amazing.” I say without thinking. “Everyone at the party will be shocked at the difference.”
“I don’t think I’m the one people will be shocked about.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze, I’m not used to my shoulders being exposed and her touch feels like a live wire which sends a small shudder down my back as she continues, “I feel people won’t even recognize you.”
There's a smile in her voice and her grip tightens just that much more for a fraction of a second. I can tell she’s proud of her work and I can’t help but smile at that.
The anxious part of me stirs at what she said however, thoughts on how the others may react and what the lasting consequences could be.
“Do you think the others will be okay with… this?”
Fu Xuan furrows her brow at this, “Because of how we’re dressed? No, I doubt it will be a problem.”
“No, I mean how I’m dressed. You look amazing and everyone is going to love your outfit, but for people…like me. Guys who dress like girls are usually mocked at the best of times, I guess is what I’m getting at.” It feels like the earlier emotional high is wearing off and the cold reality is seeping back in.
“I won’t allow it.” With all of the firm confidence she has when carrying herself at work. “I will be by your side for the entire night as promised and I will not let anyone look down or mock my work. That being said I do mean it. Our company is a relatively small one and while I may not know all of them as well as I know you, I’m certain they are not the malicious sort you are imagining.”
I let out a long exhale to center myself.
“Sorry for spiraling like that.” I try to sound lighthearted about it but I fail.
“It’s entirely fine. This was my idea and I think I understand your concerns, I’m sorry for putting you through this. If you truly do not want to then I won’t force you. We can figure something out.”
My heart sinks.
“I’m not backing out. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. C’mon, I’ll call us a ride.” I won’t let this night be a bad one for Fu Xuan. I don’t want to burden her with my problems any further. I’m going to try to have fun tonight. Buoyed on that thought and my earlier euphoria, I smile at Fu to try to tell her that I’m going to be okay.
***
Despite Fu Xuan’s best efforts, traffic still made us arrive late. I can tell she’s a bit annoyed by it, but my attention is moved away by the atmosphere once we enter. Even though I was one of the people who helped arrange and decorate the room for this party, seeing it in action is entirely different.
There’s a crowd inside already and low music playing for ambience. A few tables are aligned against the back wall stacked with snacks and drinks. As I’m looking around, I’m caught off-guard when Jing Yuan, wearing a tacky lion ear headband and some matching golden fur colored shoulder pads, pops up to greet us.
“Fu Xuan. It’s about time you made it, I see you went all out.” He pauses and glances over at me, I can see the momentary confusion cross his expression before he flashes a warm smile. He nudges Fu in the side, which requires him to lean down due to their significant height difference and stage whispers to her, “I knew you two had lunch together, but I see how it is now.”
With an irritated expression, Fu pushes his face away from her.
“I don’t know what conclusion you’ve come to, but I assure you. You’re wrong. Also,what is ‘opposite’ about this? You clearly didn’t try. ” She huffs before looking over at me and lightly holding my hand by the fingertips. “Let's go, we can leave Mr. Lion where he is.”
As I let myself be dragged away Jing Yuan laughs and calls out after us, “I love your outfit too! It suits you!” There’s a playful cheer in his voice, but a fresh heat finds its way into my cheeks all the same. I feel once again that Fu may just be right after all.
She pulls me towards the back of the room near the catering tables. I can already smell the alcohol in the obviously spiked punch, I glance around and see several others with red solo cups.
“Hey, I’m going to get a drink while we’re here, do you want one?”
“If you don’t mind.”
I fill up two cups, handing hers over first and then take a long sip of mine. I pull it away and notice a large smear of lipgloss has come off on the cup. Before I can turn to Fu to mention it, she’s already noticed. With her index finger and thumb she gently grabs at my chin and inspects my lips. My heart jolts at the sudden closeness.
“Hmm, I forgot to tell you how to drink properly without smearing but it doesn’t seem too bad.” Before she’s able to pull away however a voice calls out to us, surprising us both.
“Oh my~ are we interrupting something?” Guinaifen teases as she and Sushang walk up. Guinaifen is dressed in an oversized white lab coat, a button up with a front pocket protector and glasses that seem to take up half of her face. Sushang however is…inexplicably dressed like how Guinaifen typically does, her hair is pulled back into a single long ponytail and she has a selfie stick to really sell it.
“No, you’re not interrupting anything.” Fu stammers out in a rare show of embarrassment. She quickly pulls her hand away. I look away from Fu and find Sushang staring at me.
“So, this is what you were talking about the other day? Gotta say, I never would have guessed this.” She lets out an appreciative whistle before continuing, “if not for Fu standing here next to you, I honestly would have been at a loss.”
“So… what are you two supposed to be?”
Sushang gives me a look for so blatantly diverting, but before she can say anything, Guinaifen chimes in.
“Well, I’m dressed as a nerd which is the complete opposite of me, obviously. Meanwhile…” she casts a glare at Sushang who shrugs with a smile.
“I’m not the social media type at all so I thought it’d be fun to surprise Gui by showing her my impression.”
“Do you really think that’s how I look to everyone?” Guinaifen half-yells in what seems to be playful anger.
“Maybe a little bit, babe. But there’s nothing wrong with it. That’s just how you are and I like how you are.” Sushang gives Guinaifen a placating kiss on the cheek, as she makes an exaggerated huff in return, before forgiving her.
Guinaifen loops an arm around her girlfriend and turns to look at me.
“It’s only fair we get to ask, what is the concept of this…” She wiggles her fingertips as a way of gesturing at us. “All about?”
Before Fu is able to speak up, I answer. “Fu usually wears frilly outfits and skirts, so this is the opposite for her.”
Sushang cuts in, “But what about you? Is this you but as a…girl?” There’s no malice in her voice, but it makes me wince a little all the same. That familiar anxiety starts to bubble beneath the surface once again. The fear of judgement. But before it can fully take hold, I remember how I felt when looking in the mirror.
“Yes, this is me. As a girl. The opposite of how I usually am is a girl.” I blurt out the words and then under my breath I find myself saying, “Tonight I’m a girl…”
Sushang and Guinaifen give each other a look that I don’t have the mental energy to try to interpret, but Sushang says, “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. We’re not going to judge at all. Honestly, we just came by to tease you two.” They both give reassuring smiles as they leave, but some part of me is still lost within myself. Why did I blurt that out? I can feel a wet heat stinging in the corner of my eyes from a feeling I can’t name, a yearning for something I shouldn’t want.
I feel Fu Xuan’s hand gently touch my cheek. “Are you okay?”
I nod, but I know how unconvincing it must be.
“I’m fine. I don’t know what came over me.” I wipe at my eyes with the back of my finger, trying my best to not smudge Fu’s handiwork. It feels like I’m fraying at the edges. I swallow down the rest of my cup to try to hide whatever she’s seeing in my face. Fu’s concerned expression only deepens however.
“Look, I know this was my idea, but you don’t have to force yourself. We can leave if you want, Jing Yuan will just have to put up with it.” She says it softly, her hand still on my cheek and it hurts - to not be able to say everything I feel, so I settle for one truth.
“I don’t want to leave, not only do I not want to waste your time, I don’t want this to end.” I gently put my hand to hers, I give her time to pull away but she doesn’t.
“Then, we don’t have to let it end.”
The music in the room slowly starts to rise. We both turn our eyes to see Jing Yuan over by the sound system.“Alright everyone, it’s time to get this party really started! Get moving!”
Fu and I share a laugh and I can feel myself smiling.
“I suppose Lion Boy is useful sometimes, even if he doesn’t know it. Come on, let's not disappoint him.” She clasps my hand.
She leads us into the throng of people, though nobody here is really dancing, aside from Guinaifen. There’s a lot of awkward swaying and people just standing around. Fu Xuan pulls me a step closer, her hands on the small of my back sending a jolt along my spine.
I’m the taller of the two of us, but she leads without effort and I follow her with some effort. We probably look just as awkward as everyone else but I can’t bring myself to care. Fu’s touch, the laugh she brings out of me as she tries to twirl me and I nearly fall out of her arms before she catches me. For all the people that may be in this room, I feel like it’s only the two of us. I feel safe with her like this.
We go on for what feels like eons, time feels slowed. I’m cognizant of the songs shifting one after the other, people moving by, but I remain focused on Fu and I can tell she’s the same. I try to not think about what tomorrow will be like, how things will go back to “normal” after this party. Our normal is pleasant, but having experienced this, it’s almost painful to think about.
The party wraps up and Fu orders us a ride. She told me that I could stay over at her place tonight if I want to - to shower, change into some of her spare sweats, and go home in the morning. I agree that it’s a good idea, but my mind buzzes with the alcohol and with something I need to say.
We’re alone on the sidewalk, some have already left, while the people who didn’t help decorate are working on cleaning up. I turn to Fu and open my mouth futilely a few times, struggling to begin. She notices and looks at me with a patient smile. Seeing that, I mirror with a small grin too, before shaking my head lightly, I feel silly worrying about this. If anyone will understand, it’s Fu Xuan. With this resolution, I finally begin.
“I have something I think you should know.” I take her hand and hold it in my own, giving it a light squeeze, she lays her free hand atop and nods at me to continue.
“I don’t think I’ve fully understood myself until tonight, truth be told I probably still don’t but when I said “I don't want this to end” I didn’t just mean our fun night out. Ever since I saw myself in your vanity, I’ve been feeling euphoric. There’s worry and a lot of negative feelings about myself mixed in too - I think that’s the real reason I’ve never allowed myself to focus on these feelings before. But I feel like I’m finally starting to grasp something fundamental about myself.”
I pause for a breath, to find the words, but truthfully I already know them.
“I think I want to be a girl, Fu.”