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It was breakfast time at the loft, Kelly was drinking his coffee and eating some eggs while Stella was staring at the window, no food touched. She was lost in her thoughts, a melancholic expression on her face.
"Hey, you okay?" Kelly noticed her mood right away.
"Yeah", a faint smile appeared on her face.
"I just... I can't believe we have to tell Mouch they're taking Engine away from us, from him. He's so happy and excited to be Lieutenant... it's unfair." She sighed and took a sip of coffee.
"I know, it's all messed up. It's chaos everywhere... Pascal won't be at the Firehouse today so it's on us. The only positive is you will have more men on Truck now." Kelly placed his hand on hers and hinted a smile. He hated to see her sad like that.
"I don't want to sound selfish, I wish Mouch the best but... I just hope he won't leave us to take a Lieutenant spot somewhere else. He's so important to all of us. I can't imagine the Firehouse without him."
"You're right, let's hope for the best. Maybe they will fix these budget issues... Anyway, let's eat or we gonna be late and it won't be because of sex this time."
Stella didn't react, she continued drinking her coffee in silence.
"You seem so thoughtful, what's going on Stella? Talk to me." Kelly was a little worried, so much had happened lately that he didn't know what was really going through her head.
"It's nothing babe, I'm okay. I was just thinking... the loft is much quieter now that Isaiah is no longer with us, I kinda miss that." She smiled at him. Kelly was genuinely surprised.
"You miss the noise?"
"I miss when there were three of us at home", she said sincerely, without hesitation. Then she continued to eat her breakfast, as if she had just said the most normal thing.
Kelly was speechless. A soft expression appeared on his face, his eyes fixed on her, the mouth slightly open. What did she mean? Was this finally the right time to talk about that thing? He wasn't sure. She had taken him by surprise. He didn't want to start a conversation he wasn't sure she was ready to have.
He decided to let it go for now. He was relieved she was getting there, closer to being ready to open up with him. One small step at a time.
"We should go, it's getting late", he got up to clean the kitchen before taking the keys and their bags. They shared a quick kiss and left to the Firehouse.
The room was buzzing, everyone was there waiting for Severide to hold the morning briefing before starting the shift.
He was standing in front of the blackboard with Stella at his side. He motioned for her to begin.
"Okay 51, listen up. We have some news, we have to tell you something that-"
"Oh my God! Is it finally happening?", Capp said giving her no time to finish.
Both Stella and Kelly looked at each other confused.
"Is it what I'm thinking about?!" Violet jumped out of her chair all excited.
"What are you all talking about?" Mouch was as confused as the other two lieutenants.
"C'mon guys, just say it! We've been waiting to hear that for at least 3 years." Hermann stood up all smiley.
"Guys what are you even..." Stella scanned the room trying to understand what her friends were talking about.
"We know it! You're pregnant!!" Capp finally blurted out.
A heavy silence settled in the room. Kelly looked at his wife and sighed. He knew she was strong, but he didn't know how much longer she could resist without breaking. These last months had been hell for them. Not facing the pain of their loss had become unbearable and he was afraid that this was the point of no return.
Stella was staring at her friends, her glaze lost, no words came out of her mouth. She was there physically but her mind wasn't... she wasn't really there. For a brief moment she went back to that night, to that positive pregnancy test, to that first and last appointment with her doctor.
Something broke inside her the moment Capp said it, as if she finally realized what had happened to her and what they had lost. It was real now. She just wanted to run away and cry somewhere hidden from the happy eyes of her friends, her family. She snapped back to reality when she felt Kelly's hand gently resting on her back. She felt she couldn't breathe.
"Babe...", Kelly tried to calm her down. She turned slightly towards him, his heart broke when he saw all the pain in her eyes. She could barely hold back her tears.
"I'm... I'm sorry..." it was barely a whisper, but that was the only thing she found the strength to say in front of her friends before leaving the briefing room. Kelly followed her soon after.
"Damn it. We are idiots. Idiots!"
"What do you mean Hermann, what-" Cruz asked confused.
"I mean that we are very stupid. You saw it, that look in their eyes, that look... I know too well what it means." Hermann said deeply sorry. He and Cindy had been through it, he knew how much it hurt.
"Wait you mean... no, please no... not to them" Violet sighed, a hand on her mouth.
Everyone in the room was silent again. And when they all understood... It felt as if it had happened to them too. They stood still, in silence, trying to process the blow.
Kelly found Stella in his quarters, curled up in bed, her back facing him. She was crying. He lay down and hugged her from behind. She clung to his arms and continued to cry. He let her, he knew she needed it. His heart broke a little more with every tear he felt on his skin.
"I'm sorry I lost our baby", she sobbed.
"Babe... please, listen to me. It wasn't your fault, it was never your fault." He whispered in her ear, trying to hold back tears. He wanted to be strong for her, but it was so difficult... seeing his wife like that was the most difficult thing of all.
When she broke the hug and turned to him her eyes were red, her makeup smudged from crying but she was still the most beautiful woman in his eyes. His beautiful, strong wife.
"You were so happy and I... I just... I'm sorry I disappointed you." She was crying again and it broke his heart to see her like that.
"You have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't your fault babe. Unfortunately these things happen... hey, look at me, please, Stella..." He was gently stroking her cheek trying to dry her tears.
"You just wanted a family and I complicated everything. I made you suffer and you didn't deserve it." Her voice was low, barely a whisper, as if she was afraid of hurting him again.
"Don't do that. We're married. We're in this together. And let me tell you this. You could never disappoint me. Never. Don't even think that. You're the most caring, wonderful person I know... if you feel this way it's my fault. I haven't been there for you enough during this time and I'm deeply sorry." He was crying too now, face to face with her. They both needed it.
"Please, tell me what you need." Kelly whispered.
"Time. Time to heal. Time to get over this. And you. I just need you." Stella found the strength to speak.
"And maybe, when I feel better, maybe we can try again. If you still want it..."
"Really? You want to..."
"I want a family with you Kelly, more than anything else. Now I know it. The feeling that I can do anything with you by my side... this feeling I have whenever I'm with you... I'm ready for this big step. Even though I'll always be terrified that something might go wrong... I can't wait to go through all this with you." She smiled at him sweetly, with eyes still wet, but full of love.
"I'll give you all the time you need, we go at your pace. I'll be ready when you will be. No hurry, no pressure. I just want you to be okay. You're my priority."
Stella felt so grateful to have him in her life, she had never felt so loved. He was her anchor, her safe haven.
"I love you so much Kelly. And I'm sorry I haven't given you the thing you most desire... yet. You always take care of me... But I'm not the only one in this marriage. You are important too, and what you feel matters. Tell me what you need."
"What I need? You to be okay. That's the only thing that matters."
"Oh baby... come here", and she kissed him with all the love she had. Her husband's presence alone was already making her feel better.
They stayed in bed for a while hoping not to get any calls, one in each other's arms. Kelly stroking her hair, Stella with her head on his chest.
"She would have had your blue eyes, I know that."
"She?" Kelly asked surprised.
"Yes, she. I know you want someone to go fishing with but we will have a beautiful girl, I have this feeling."
"And who says I can't go fishing with her."
That made Stella smile genuinely for the first time in months.
"Yes, you definitely can."
"I can't wait."