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They had been feeling this way for.. a while now.
It didn't come suddenly.
It creeped into their life slowly, making it seem like things were just supposed to be this way.
Feeling exhausted from things they'd been doing fine before. Or being too socially tired or brave to talk to others about something that isn't just them distracting themselves. Or starting to spend too much time in the bed before work.
If they had to think of when it could've started, they'd say it was the first day on the Mirage Express.
Which, fairly, was most probably the most eventful day of their whole life. So different things happening all at once, so different people that are all at least somewhat extraordinary and just plainly cool. At the very least in Barry's mind it seemed this way. That cast of customers was certainly not like anyone they'd had to work for. Meeting them, meeting Sonic could probably be marked as the best day of their life. But that would be exaggerating.
And that… seemed to be the problem.
It's that nagging feeling. Whining in their ear appearing before they go to sleep. Muttering thoughts that would've seemed strange if they'd just let them pass. But, whether it was something they'd been thinking for a while or not, it stuck.
They felt bored.
That's what it was at first.
They were expectant of something that was never about to come. Hoping for something to happen, and as although the possibility wasn't totally inconceivable, nothing ever happened. Constantly waiting instead of living.
With that weird hope slowly dying, that other feeling began to take over.
It was almost paralyzing. Tinkering with their thoughts and emotions until the numbness became an everyday thing.
It started off small. With every day seeming exactly the same – home, work, eat, repeat – the whole life itself began to feel uninteresting.
It hadn't been annoying yelling in their mind. It hadn't been anxious overthinking over small stuff, although that happened sometimes. It just slowly inserted itself in their life, until everything around started to seem nearly pointless.
They've grown more careless of things.
Being late more often. Letting people's words go over their head just for them to apologize and pretend not to hear. Starting to feel too tired to get up sometimes. Canceling some of their friends’ meetings because, honestly, they just didn't see the point in going nor did they want to leave the apartment, but they'd tell them that they just are too busy with chores or work stuff to come. Always making sure to sound reassuring enough to not make themselves look too suspicious. Suspicious of what? They weren't sure.
Everyone get tired once in a while, right? So, why can't they?
They realized something was different or wrong too late. They tried to ignore it. To distract themselves from it. And honestly? That was working out fine. Between the responsibilities of adult life and meetings with friends, the described above combined with their almost “natural” customer service worker's skills, they'd been doing good at convincing everyone around themselves included that it was fine. That nothing changed and nothing was wrong.
At some point, they liked doing that, really. Made them feel fine. Until they come back home. Still, that was something.
And they almost began believing that, too. If they'd been technically living fine, what's the point in the quiet pessimistic murmurings in their mind late at night? Or in noticing them? If they have a good life – there is no point, they thought. A decent job, loving parents, good friends and not quite a lot of things to worry about, even if they still managed to.
There are people who actually feel bad. Have a reason to. But Barry? They just lie there on their not-messy-enough bed occasionally, feeling numb more than anything else while still making themselves go to work everyday. Feeling like a fraud.
If the fact that they can't find a reason for life to be exciting doesn't even affect them, as they thought..
Does it even matter?
Would anyone believe them if they'd told them about this?
Would that matter?
Just as they thought,
no.