Chapter Text
The barracks were silent this late at night. Everyone either asleep, or pretending to be.
Jean dubbed it his quiet time. He wasn't the only one, but.. still. He had little left to himself, anymore.
So this is when he cried. Laying on his side, staring at the dark wood of the cabin, as he forced the sounds of his sobs to stayed wedged under his ribs.
He let them fall in the dark, arms wrapped around himself. Soon enough, they'd be able to get out of that place and see how they ranked. Not that it really.. mattered. Anymore.
Did it? He didn't think so.
It was getting bad. The lump in his throat threatened to force itself out of his mouth, and it felt as if barbed wire had wrapped around the soft flesh of his lungs.
He quietly sat up, moving to the edge of his bed and slipping into his shoes.
He needed to leave. Get out before he woke the whole place. He quickly left the cabin, down the steps, and disappeared into the shadow of night.
Here, in the forest, he could weep.
Over and over, he would tell himself that it should've been him who died at that titan's hand.
Not Marco. Not the sweet, freckled boy who tried to become a soldier to protect the human race. Not the boy who left a hole in Jean's heart whenever they were apart.
Now, the hole was bigger than ever. Now, they were separated forever.
* * * * * *
When he finally opened his eyes, he startled. The terrifying face of Commander Shadis lay not even four inches from his own.
Laughter rippled through the few recruits in the general vicinty. "What the hell are you doin', sleeping out here?!"
Sleeping? Was he sleeping?
His eyes flickered to the side for a moment, noting the sun filtering through the leaves of the oak he was beneath.
..maybe he did fall asleep.
"Sorry sir," Jean mumbled, rubbing a hand over his tired face. "Nightmare, last night. Needed air." He didnt have the energy for anything more elaborate.
Irritation flickered over Shadis' face, but he ultimately held back on yelling outright. These kids had been through the ringer and back.
"Don't let me find you out here again, you hear me, Cadet?!" He barked instead.
Jean nodded, brushing a leaf from his hair. "..yessir. I understand." He stood, pressing a fist to his heart in salute before making his way back to the barracks to get dressed.
The day.. went on. Normal. Well.. normal as it could get.
As the sun began to set– Jean felt it was too quick– Jean made his way to the supper hall. He quietly sat down at the end of the table half-full with people he.. considered friends.
He talked and laughed with them, as if nothing was wrong. As if nothing had happened.
Then someone had to go and ask a single question that made the hole in his heart widen just a little bit more. A sharp sting lanced through him, bringing back that lump in his throat.
"So.. Jean. How are after that battle? Y'know with.. Uh.. him gone and all? I know you two were pretty close."
Jean couldn't look up yet. He could feel his eyes burn with tears he refused to let flow. Especially now.
He took a breath and looked up, a slight, sad smile on his face. All eyes were on him. "I-...I'm-.. I'm fine.. Really. Its just.. I miss him. He was a good.. friend." He managed, hoping he sounded as nonchalant as he wanted.
..he didn't. His voice cracked halfway through.
"He really was. Ray of sunshine, that guy." Connie sighed, pushing food around in his bowl.
Silence fell over the table mometarily, mourning the empty spot next to Jean. Sasha made some weak joke, and laughter chittered across them.
The mood slowly brightened for a moment. But.. just for a moment, unfortunately.
…becuase Eren and his smart mouth had to pop up and fucking ruin it.
He was getting better, just… not.. yet.
"Hey, Horse face, how are ya?" Eren said dryly, sliding onto the bench across from Jean.
Jean glared at him, not that Eren much cared.
"You haven't cried at all since that battle. Say, how is Marco by the way?"
…everyone froze. That.. was a low blow. Even for Eren. What had gotten into the guy?
"Do you even.. care? That he's gone? I mean, you don't seem to be sad that he-!" Eren was cut off as Jean's fist connected with his jaw.
Awkwardly, due to the table between them, but the point got through.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YEAGER!!" Everyone stared at Jean in shock, including Eren. Jean was holding back a tsunami of tears, his throat practically on fire.
He could feel the ache in his bones. That lonely, dying ache.
"I know for a damn fact you know what its like losing someone you love, we all do. But that gives you no right. Absolutely no. Fucking. Right." No one dared move.
"I know you've lost someone. We all have Yeager." He repeated, hoping to get it into Eren's thick skull.
"But you can't just go around trying to insult others with the lovers, with the friends, with the family, that they have lost. So please, Eren. Please just shut the fuck up." His voice had gotten more choked with each word, soft and sad.
Begging, pleading, for Eren to understand.
His lower lip trembled, and he quickly bit it between his teeth.
He balled his hands into fists and walked out, not even having the energy to storm out like he usually did after a squabble with the– insanely irritating– titan shifter.
Jean didn't stop walking until his legs ached. He didnt want to. The burn was a welcome distraction.
When he finally stopped, it wasn't by choice. His knees wobbled, and he fell to the ground.
..the grave he made for Marco lay not a few feet in front of him.
The rock was small, and jagged. Probably rubble from the walls, maybe a house. Who knew, anymore.
'Marco Bott' was sloppily carved into the stone's face.
Jean sighed shakily. "…jesus, Marco," He whispered to himself.
He crawled over to lean against the rock, trembling hands curling against the grass. He liked to think he was sitting right next to Marco, when he did this.
He leaned his temple against the chilled grave, staring at the wilted, white roses he'd laid in front of the grave when he'd first carved into it.
"…you could've waited," he murmured to no one in particular. "..just a little longer. You could've just waited."