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It was a sort of neutral day. The angry crocodiles, which surround Dave’s house as a defence against getting any gayer, are barking. The birds, who are actively trying to make Dave gayer, are meowing enthusiastically. The sky might’ve been green, purple or blue I don’t really know. Nevertheless Dave Strider did NOT care. Dave has never ever looked at the sky.
“Ah what a lovely day in Homestuck. Yes. This is the name of the place we live in. Not anything else.”
Dave, the least Strider Strider, says Striderly. He takes a deep breath in, the first breath he’s taken since the last breath he took. His eyes dart up to the sky.
“Oh holy shit. There’s a sky. With clouds. I have to go tell someone about this.”
Dave hurries off to find someone. Eventually he comes across two people. One is drawing hyperrealistic versions of every frame of the homestuck trailer in the sand with a stick, the other is looming. Ominously.
“Uh. You’re casting a shadow on my fucking movie asshole,” Karkat, who is half cat half Toyota, is knee deep in sand. “Do you know how long this took to write, animate and produce!?”
“I feel like this is plagiarism,” Dave frowns
“What are you, a narc? Anyways I’m literally Vivziepop. Trust me.”
Karkat insists. You can sense in his tone the underlying self consciousness of the fact that he has tiny horns, and therefore a tiny hyperrealistic human dick.
“But ALSO even if I was plagiarising who fucking cares? What are you a fucking loser? This is why I HATE you Dave. Gonna find where your bitchass lives and piss in your cereal.”
“Hah. Jokes on you bro, I’m not allowed cereal. I’m only allowed to eat galvanised steel for breakfast. Makes me TOUGH. Like a MAN.”
Dave crosses his arms, the pure toxic masculinity coursing through his veins and giving him power. He’s about to evolve into his final form when a loser speaks up.
“Okay, Karkat, I have to ask. Why do you have a 69 on your shirt?”
Kankri, who is irrelevant, asks irrelevantly. Trying to make himself relevant.
“It’s not a… oh. Oh holy shit. I be 69ing all day I guess. Yes. That is my character trait now.”
Karkat accepts immediately, rising from the sand. Kankri and Dave cough violently as sand intrudes their lungs.
“fuck you all. I need to fulfil my destiny. Ever since I was born in that sewer part-troll-part-car-part-asshole I knew what my destiny was! Getting mad bitches! Something Dave could never succeed at because of his rampant daddy issues! Fuck you Dave you slut ass motherfucker! It’s 69 time!!” He cheers as he runs into the distance.
“So uh.”
“I’ve wanted to talk to someone for a while now actually I-“
“That’s nice kankri.”
“Uh.. yeah I-“
“Nice seeing you.”
“They castrated me Dave.”
“Sounds great, bye.”
“Oh. Whatever.”
Kankri, dejected and pissed off, leaves with the energy of a 8 year old throwing a tantrum.
Turns out finding someone to tell about the sky will be harder than Dave thought. That is when he gets an idea! Ah! Dirk! Of course!
Dave holds up the giant stereo he keeps in his tiny pocket at all times and begins to play the music.
“My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh...
(My Little Pony)
I used to wonder what friendship could be
(My Little Pony)
Until you all shared its magic with me
Big adventure
Tons of fun
A beautiful heart
Faithful and strong
Sharing kindness!
It's an easy feat
And magic makes it all complete
You have my little ponies
Do you know you're all my very best friends?”
The sound of galloping closes in, a flash of rainbow in the corner of his eye.
“Are we finally drawing ourselves with ponysonas? I’ve been wanting to show someone Lil Twinkletoes for weeks!”
Dirk exclaims joyously, finally talking about the one happiness he has in his life.
“Well.. no.. I just wanted to tell you…”
Dave is cut off immediately.
“Can this wait until after my ponysona?”
Dave pauses momentarily, before letting out an exasperated sigh.
“So are they.. a unicorn, a Pegasus or an earth pony?” Dave questions
“How DARE you. an earth pony ponysona is stupid. No one makes earth pony ocs because they are shit. They have no real power. Like sure TECHNICALLY they’re SUPPOSED to be physically stronger, but in the face of magic and literal flying you’re basically getting the short straw.”
Dirk pauses to take a breath,
“Now there’s also the fact that I guess not all unicorns can DO certain magic. The reason we see the unicorns be able to do so many spells in the show is because Twilight is studying magic in Celestia’s school. Rarity is still good with magic but it’s usually more precision work for her outfits. It’s also why Rarity doesn’t teleport ponies, just small objects or outfits. PEGASI however are SICK because they WALK ON CLOUDS. END OF DISCUSSION.”
“Okay… sure bro. Sick… I guess.” it begins to be too much. This whole time. While they were talking it was slowly becoming unbearable. Suddenly Dave asks.
“Dirk, why is it that everytime I talk to you Jenny(I Wanna Ruin Our Friendship) plays quietly in the background?”
“I don’t know. Maybe we should kiss about it? I mean.. I mean… fuck.. I mean.. I’m not gay.”
“Uh.”
“I’m gonna go stand in the rain now…”
Dirk murmurs, already backing away and pulling his rainbow dash hood over his head. He then breaks out into a sprint. Go gay boy go!
“Yeah…. You.. go do that buddy” Dave knows he hasn’t succeeded at his task. He genuinely debates turning into a lobster and retreating into the sea to never look at the sky again.
“Wow. That was really gay.” Lil Hal, who had made no sound until now, scares the shit out of Dave. One of those entirely inside scares that feels like a heart attack despite no visible reaction.
“What are you doing here?” Dave raises an eyebrow curiously.
“Just watching whatever the fuck he was doing there. There’s boy kissers everywhere I fucking turn in this place”
“Homophobia is not cool yo! Literally a skill issue!”
Dave shakes his head, then hums in thought
“So like… is Lil Hal your rapper name orrrr…?”
“Are all gay people this stupid or… oh wait. There’s no or. They are.”
Small Hal huffs
“Anyways.” Dave glances up “Did you notice the sky?”
“What about the sky?”
Tiny Hal questions
“The sky.”
“What ABOUT the sky?”
Microscopic Hal pushes
“It’s like… up.”
…
“Yeah I’ll go.” Dave says blankly.
After a few hours of walking alone he bumps into what at first he mistakes for an especially large pile of cheese. Then Dave realises no. Worse. It’s Bro Strider.
“Dave… I’m Sansgender” Bro confesses abruptly
“You mean transgender?” The question is reluctant, Dave not particularly wanting to participate in this conversation.
“God do you never fucking listen no I don’t mean transgender I mean SANSgender. SANSgender. like sans fucking undertale you goddamn idiot. Why the fuck would I be transgender when SANS UNDERTALE is RIGHT THERE.” The disappointment is clear in Bros tone, wondering if it’s too late for an abortion.
“Jesus okay sorry.” Dave is too busy thinking of what rhymes with lobster to care.
“God damn you should really lock the fuck in where’s all that toxic masculinity I taught you? How am I supposed to be the cool sensei who dies tragically if you’re not going through epic training montages?”
Bro Strider says canonically, as the person writing him is clearly an expert on Homestuck.
“I can’t wait to dramatically monologue about you while staring into the sunset on a mountain or high up building once you’re gone. I’m gonna be like Batman if Batman had sick-ass shades.”
Dave muses
“Gonna be up on the roof all stoic and shit. John is Robin. He’s got the costume already. I just gotta message him.”
“You little shit, you’re ANTICIPATING my death. Respect, but uh…I should really leave. I’m meeting up with my discord kitten today.”
“Oh word, you got a discord kitten? Good shit, dawg.”
“Yeah, his name is Eridan Ampora and I bought him adorable kitty ears for our meet up today”
He says with the same energy as a someone kicking their feet in the air and painting their nails.
“But wait aren’t you Lil Cal’s discord kitten?”
“I… we have… a different arrangement.”
Bro says, looking about as tense as you would be if you attempted to shove a pointy rock up your ass.
“Are… you alright man?”
“I was uncircumcised,” Bro shudders, “Then he gave me head.”
“Oh.. oh fuck dude. That’s like the ultimate aura loss on your part.”
“Oh yeah? The bigger aura loss is the fact that Dirk is like totally in hospital right now?”
“Shit. I’ll… I’ll be back.”
Dave rushes into the bleak hospital. The walls are a clinical white and the halls are filled with coughing, slimy freaks. The air stands still as he makes his way to Dirk’s wing.
He doesn’t take off his shades, If he did he’d suddenly become uncool and shrivel up into a soulless husk. Tears prick the corners of his eyes, which he quickly wipes away. Remember your toxic masculinity, Dave. Men don’t cry. Suddenly he’s straight chilling as he strolls towards the doctor, who turns out to be Roxy.
“Oh my god okay so during surgery I totally dropped subway in there I am so sorry, you think they’d tell you not to drink and do surgery.”
“Roxy… is he going to live?”
“Hm? Oh. Prolly notz.” Roxy hums, taking a sip of her drink “We should hang out more often, I’ll message you.” She chirps, giving the same energy as those Wattpad authors who’d talk to the characters mid fic.
“Ah, drat.” he shakes his head, clearing his thoughts.
“Did you just unironically use the word drat?” Roxy is entirely enthusiastic about this development.
“Unironically? Crazy thing to assume. I’m breathing ironically right now.”
Dave sighs
“I don’t think that’s… yeah alright.”
“Where is he?”
His eyes follow Roxy’s and eventually fall upon Dirk lying on the bed. Dirk frog blinks slowly, like a little freak. His shades are out of reach on the table beside him.
Dave pauses, swallowing thickly as he inspects the man and Roxy quietly slips out of the room.
“Who the fuck is that?”
Dave’s brow furrows, inspecting the frail man. He’s thinking more about how he should instead be doing something manly like fishing, or hating the wife he doesn’t have.
“The fuck you mean who am I? We talked two hours ago.” Dirk yaps like an angry chihuahua, ashamed that no one likes him.
“Not ringing a bell.. sorry..”
Dave hums in thought, then spots Dirks shades on the table beside the bed.
“Oh.. oh god. No.. I was too late. Now I gotta find a sick beat for his funeral.”
“Don’t be an idiot. It’s ME. I’m Dirk. Give me those.”
Dirk demands. As Dave reaches for them, the sharp corners prick his hands.
“Ow! God damn do you have to do a risk assessment every time you put these on?” Dave hisses, discarding them onto the bed to check his wounds.
“I am the risk”
“What.” Dave deadpans, watching Dirk slip his shades back onto his face. “Why are you even in hospital?”
“I injected myself with cutiemark serum. I wanted my own cutiemark but… I didn’t have enough friendship power to make it through the procedure” he says, coughing pathetically. His weak hand lifts to reach out for Dave, then he hesitates. Looking away, he instead clutches it to his chest.
“Thank you for coming, I guess.” He speaks as if there’s a thick lump in his throat, breath raspy.
“I can’t believe you did this. You’re such an idiot.”
“An idiot?” a bitter half-wheeze forces itself from Dirk’s mouth “for what? This is fine. Everything is fine.”
“Fine? You call this fine?”
“Fine! Manageable! I’m having a great time actually! As long as Roxy didn’t fuck up any stitches.” Dirk leans in conspiratorially, “Between you and me I don’t think she’s a real doctor.”
“You’re literally dying and you can’t even take accountability. It’s not Roxy’s fault you’re in the position you are right now.”
“I know what’s wrong with me, I don’t need you at my bedside throwing a pity party.”
“She said you have three days to live!”
“That’s fine, I work better under a deadline anyways.”
“God you’re such a dick. You know a conversation with you is like walking on hot coal and Lego bricks right?”
“Look. Maybe you have something keeping you going, and that’s great. Amazing really. But this is my thing. ONE thing that for once Im letting myself want. You’ve seen my ponysona. Lil Twinkletoes is sick as fuck. If you’re going to shame me for that then… then why did you even come?”
“This is serious Dirk. You’re going to die because YOU did a stupid thing.. also My Little Pony is fucking dogwater bro.”
Dave shakes his head, knowing he’s entirely wrong and a loser for even suggesting that.
“Support my decision to become a pony or leave, Dave. I can’t deal with this right now.”
The door bursts open, Roxy’s footsteps are quick and panicked.
“Wait! I’m so sorry. I had the wrong chart. He’s gonna be totally fine. In fact he has his cutie mark right now.” She says, shameful.
Dirk is ALREADY checking his new sick-ass cutiemark and- oh shit. It’s a closet.
“You had the wrong chart?” Dave chokes “What kind of doctor are you??”
“One that didn’t get her medical degree!”
She says in a singsong tone
“Also even if he did die he would’ve like, totally respawned. Trust trust I’m probably a doctor..”
Dave leaves, too tired to care about any of this. Instead, he makes his way to his REAL best friend who he DEFINITELY hasn’t made up.
“John!” Dave calls out, knocking on the door to the tune of Ghostbusters.
The door swings open, revealing John Egbert, who is notably NOT Jonathan sims of the Magnus institute.
“Dave! How was your day?” John asked curiously. He was a gay ass nerd, but that’s probably canon.
“Oh bro, I don’t know. Today’s been so weird. I mean.. weirder than usual. EVERYONE has been acting so out of character. It’s like if some rando tried to GUESS what they were like and replace them with Shittier copies.”
Dave paces back and forth across the room,
“I am STRESSING dude. This all feels like one big fever dream. I haven’t even beatboxed once today” he freezes, turning to John in horror “I haven’t even beatboxed today!”
“Oh god, that doesn’t sound like you at all”
John frowns
“It’s been so hard to talk to people because it doesn’t even feel like a conversation! It feels like they’re just trying to ‘gotcha’ me with the next weird thing!”
“Did you know I’m a child of mpreg?”
John says nonchalantly
“What the fuck.”
Dave says, chalantly. Face entirely blank despite how baffled he is. Naturally, men don’t show emotion. Even in the face of mpreg.
“Many of us are actually!”
“Who-“
“Bro strider.”
“Oh.”
Meanwhile:
The world is dark. Cronus is writhing against frigid, stone flooring, forcing a shiver from his sore body. The rough sack is lifted from his head, revealing his spacious, poorly lit surroundings. Wide arches frame several eerie tunnels around the circular room. The air is stale and a pungent, damp smell suffocates Cronus.
Panic shoots through him as Cronus struggles against the rope around his wrists. His eyes dart to the numerous cloaked figures observing him from every angle.
“Let me out!”
Cronus barks out, trying to assert some kind of dominance. He’s tense as someone steps forward from the sea of cloaks.
“Calm down, Cronus. You are among friends” The figure coos softly, the back of their two fingers stroking his cheek.
“Get bent, Fuckface.” He lunges to bite the strangers hand, teeth connecting with nothing and falling face first onto the stone. “Shit!” Cronus hisses.
“So childish. Maybe we chose wrong” they tut, disappointed in the pathetic being infront of them.
“Maybe he’ll be easier to convince if we untie him!” A person in the back calls out, and the first figure seems to perk up
“Wonderful idea! Then he will know we mean no harm!” They approach Cronus, who is glaring angrily at them, and dutifully free him of the constraints. Naturally, as any he would do in his situation, Cronus bolts.
“He’s escaping!” One yells
“Catch him then!” Another whines
Cronus’ steps are heavy as he dashes through one of the tunnels. The light seems to fade, leaving him in pitch black. His run slows as his nerves convince him he’s going to smash into something. Despite this, when he comes across a door and opens it, he smacks his forehead on the frame.
“OW! Fucking Christ!”
The lights in the room flick on one after another, lighting the path ahead. However, this isn’t what Cronus focuses on. Instead, his attention is drawn to the large walls of fish tanks filled with millions of seahorses. Cronus stops dead in his tracks, baffled by the creatures. A hand on Cronus’ shoulder jerks him from his thoughts
“Fascinating, aren’t they?”
“What, the… the seahorses?” Cronus attempts to pull his shoulder from their hold, but the grip is too strong.
“Yes, the seahorses. Did you know the males carry their young?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Oh dear Cronus, you didn’t let my comrade explain himself before. We have taken you to offer you… an opportunity.”
“What kind of opportunity?” Cronus looks uncomfortable now, glancing between the cloaked figure and the seahorses.
“Do you want to become a father, Cronus?”
Cronus’ eyes widen, snapping to the figure.
“Oh.” He murmurs… “oh.”
“Pregnancy is hard, but certainly a beautiful thing. You would have all of us at the Mpreg Seahorse Society as confidants and, if you would allow it, family.”
Cronus doesn’t reject immediately, which surprises even himself. Instead, he is silent for a moment. Deep in thought. When he finally answers his voice is meek.
“M’not ready to be a parent.” Cronus chokes out “Children are… so much responsibility. I’m not capable of being responsible! If you knew me you understand that.” He pauses, looking down. The hand on his shoulder becomes much less like a preventative measure, and more like a comfort as he talks, “I mean I’ve always wanted to have something to hold. Take care of…”
“We can give you that. All you need to say is yes”
“I… I don’t….” He trails off and sighs, shaking slightly “I need you to tell me I’ll be a good father.”
“Cronus. These are all normal worries to have. I have reason to believe you’ll be an amazing father. Even if you aren’t, you can’t possibly be worse than Bro Strider. I mean that guys a train wreck.”
“You’re right… thank you.”
Cronus’ voice wavers, but only for a moment. His back straightens, and he plasters a bright grin on his face “I dig being Mpregged.”
Suddenly, the world goes dark.
Cronus wakes up in his bed, groaning. He feels like he was just hit by a 1948 Ford DeLuxe. He feels a card resting on his chest and flips it open. He attempts to read it, and it says…Nothing. He’s illiterate.
Then, he remembers he hasn’t opened his eyes yet. His eyes flick open and he scans the card.
Dear Capricorn, caterpillar, Cronus,
You are now the proud owner of a baby! Just wait like 9 months or something. Anyways, call me!
Xoxo, Jeff Big Hal.