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It’s been raining more lately, they didn’t mind it just felt like it was reflecting their mood lately. The game, their elimination, what happened after…they felt angry, at themself, at Fan, at everyone. But hostility towards anyone right now would make everyone see them as more of a threat than they probably already thought. They ran their hand through their hair and pulled some of it out of anger.
Why were they programmed this way? Why were the made so abrasive and impulsive. Everything felt so hopeless. Their head hurt so much. They laid down on the floor and sighed, eyes wide open as they looked outside in the rain. They were cold but at this point it was only a minor issue they were dealing with. They were just mindlessly floating around at this point.
They were still angry, but guilty…grabbing at their hair they ripped more of it out again, trying to keep themself from punching something or throwing something again, they turned their body around and faced the wall so people wouldn’t notice their face. They just needed for no one to talk about this, they needed to get back into the game, but that stupid promise or whatever was going to be a challenge in of itself. They wanted to change but…
They groaned and ripped out more of their hair, it stung a bit but it was just a way to keep every guilty thought down.
They weren’t able to hear the soft movement of the grass as someone walked towards them. The internal sound of on going rambling made their head turn into loud static
“Jack?” A voice said behind them, they jumped a bit as they softened the grip of their hair and hesitantly looked over their shoulder to see…Tapey. The static stopped as they immediately recognized her. They looked up at her, a bit confused on why she was there. They fully let go of their hair but the strands and small clumps still were in the fist of their hands.
“Never seen a more lamer pity party than this” she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, looking down at Jacks hands and feeling a bit of sympathy for the person who looked like they were on the brink of a existential crisis.
Jack looked away from her, sighing quietly as they didn’t want to open up. “You know wallowing in whatever this is isn’t helping you at all.” She sternly said, crossing her arms as she didn’t see a reaction from Jack. She groaned and sat down next to them. It was a truly pitiful sight to see the first boot of the season in such a dreadful state.
After a few minutes of complete silence, she decided this was enough and got up. “Come on, up.” She whispered as she grabbed their arm gently and pulled them up, confusing and surprising Jack completely as they didn’t expect whatever was happening. Almost falling twice she finally got them up.
On the verge of falling again, she held them up and saw their knuckles practically almost a different color as it looked at if they were punching a wall until their knuckles bled. “Is it seriously this bad?” She asked, softly holding their wrist and examining the damage.
“You think I know what’s wrong with me..?” They whispered, knowing how angry they’ve been even before they escaped the blue void. They needed to be the best, but this was just weak.
She muttered something under her breath and took Jacks hand, feeling the ripped out hair just being tightly gripped by them, they started to walk to the room the two were given and drag them there. They were completely confused, though blushing a bit by looking at their hand intertwined with hers.
—
Tapey closed the door behind the two of them as she took all the hair from their hands and put in the trash can, going back to them and bringing them to sit down on the edge of the bed as she sat next to them.
“You know I can smell the alcohol and smoke on you.” She said out of the blue, looking at Jack with a bit of concern. “Every day since we’ve met I’ve always smelled it on you, you don’t hide it well.” She continued, they sighed knowing she was right, it just felt like it was an escape from their emotions. And right now it was an escape from their guilt.
“I know, I know” They muttered, sighing as she gently grabbed their hand again, feeling themself blush again but looking away to avoid it being noticeable. “Jack I know this is frustrating but you have to at least try” She insisted, bringing them closer a bit as she truly tried to understand and did. “I can’t help if you just keep beating yourself down” She quietly said.
She looked at their bruised and bloodied knuckles, taking both of their hands and looking at the slight small open cuts, blue and slightly purple bruises with also noticing that their hands were shaking. Sighing out of concern she tried to work up the courage to say something, but it just didn’t come out. She let go of their hands and got up, going to get a glass of water but wanting to ask Jack something, she stopped walking abruptly and faced Jack again, finding the words to say.
“When did you start..hitting things and bruising your hand like that.” She questioned, looking directly at their hands as she wanted an answer, quickly.
A quick minute of silence goes by.
“Even way before we escaped..” They replied, almost in defeat as they took a deep breath in. Hearing Tapey take a step closer next to them, she sat back down next to them and truly tried to understand.
“Continuing this is not good for you. A pity party with all your emotions pushed down by substances..is not going to work. And I know you never told me who you were programmed to be but I know you’re impulsive…I just ask one more question” She stopped. It gave Jack time to ponder the thought on their emotions since the day they were created. They looked back at her as they waited.
“Do you truly want to continue this?” She asked, almost like a hit to their chest they closed their eyes and turned their head away.
Tapey took a deep breath in and out, knowing this conversation was just going to hit a dead end.
“Come talk to me when you finally figure it out.”
She stepped back, got up and grabbed her bag as she put it over her shoulder, looking back at the now distressed person sitting on the edge of the bed. “There’s bandages on top of the nightstand, given by the safety team…uhm..try to make sure those cuts don’t get infected.” She stated, walking to the door.
They didn’t want to open their eyes, only nodding as they knew she was leaving for right now, they probably were going to try and avoid her for the rest of the day...They heard the door open and close after a second and they opened their eyes again.
They pushed themself onto the bed and laid down, completely defeated as they didn’t know what to do, how to do it, where to start. None of it.
Maybe they were a lost cause. Someone who was just floating around.
This was pathetic for someone like them.