Work Text:
Shinji,
I don't even know what to say
I feel so
I'm scared. Please be okay.
~
Shinji,
It's been a week since you ended up in the hospital. Mitsuru does her best to update us when she hears back from the doctor, but the updates never feel like enough. We miss you. I miss you.
I know you'd hate to see me like this. I do my best to keep my smile on during the day, especially around everyone else. But when I'm alone it's so much harder to pretend like I'm okay.
I want to see you, but they won't let you have any visitors yet. Apparently your condition is “too critical”. You need to get better so I can visit.
The doctor said the only reason you survived was because of the pocket watch. Ironic, isn't it?
~
Shinji,
Good news today, we finally defeated the last shadow. Everyone wants to celebrate tomorrow with food and games. It's nice to have that to look forward to, but I wish you were here to celebrate with us.
~
He lied. Ikutsuki lied to us all. He used us. We didn't end the dark hour. Destroying those shadows made things worse.
He tried to kill us. He manipulated Aegis to try to get rid of us all, but she couldn't do it. He's gone now, at least.
He killed Mitsuru’s dad in front of us all. Poor Mitsuru… she's shut down. I don't blame her. Not only did she lose her dad, but Ikutsuki revealed to us the true intention of the Kirijo group back then. Her grandfather was trying to bring about the end of the world.
Akihiko is worried. I'm trying to be there for him and tell him that Mitsuru just needs time to process it all, but deep down I can see how much he's hurting.
I'll try my best to help her through this. I'll help more with the student council and be on top of SEES duties from here on, so she doesn't have to worry. It's the least I can do, right?
I'm exhausted. I'm trying my best to keep everyone's spirits high. What good is a leader if they can't help their team?
…It's hard, especially when all my thoughts just wander to you still. Do you feel pain? Can you dream?
I miss you.
~
Shinji,
A new boy transferred to school recently. His name is Ryoji. Something about him is strange. It's like I get a sense of deja vu whenever he talks to me.
He wants to hang out often, and I can tell he feels the same way. He drops his act around me. Talks about “fate” and we're “destined” to be around each other or something. I don't know.
My heart is already taken anyway. Even if you're not around, it's still yours.
It always was you.
~
Something terrible happened today.
Fuuka found one of the Strega members during the dark hour. Chidori escaped from the hospital and she lured us out to find her.
She turned on us. She was upset. It hurt Junpei so much to have to fight her.
They may have their own complicated relationship, but they care about each other so deeply. I can see how much he loves her.
Takaya showed up- we thought he was dead. The last time we saw him was when we eliminated the last shadow.
It all happened so fast… I heard a gunshot and saw Junpei collapse. I think I blacked out for a second. I watched my best friend die. When I came to, Chidori was using her healing magic on him. She had revived him… but at a cost. Chidori traded her life for him.
I understand why she did it. I would've done the same in her position.
But watching Junpei break down while holding her body… it felt a little too familiar and I felt so weak and powerless again.
I don't know how to comfort him.
Why do we have to lose those we love?
I feel like death is always there, watching. Waiting. Looking for an opportunity.
Sometimes, I think I'm cursed. Like death follows me. Finding victims with everyone I love or meet.
Everyone in SEES has felt loss. I know death is normal, but why does it still hurt us so much?
I used to live passively. Waiting for the moment this curse struck me. I thought my time would come soon. Before I moved here, I was alone. I had no one. No one would miss me or grieve for me.
But now? I have friends. People I care about. People who care about me. It's nice, but also scary. I can't live with the guilt of thinking my curse is the reason everyone around me is suffering.
I'm sorry.
~
I really was cursed, Shinji.
Remember Ryoji? He finally remembered who he truly was. He isn't just a boy. He is death incarnate. He warned us that he will bring upon the Fall at the start of the new year. Everyone will die if the Fall happens.
Ryoji and I truly were connected.
Years back. The night my parents died. Aigis and Ryoji fought, but she couldn't defeat him. All she could do was seal him away. I was there on the Moonlight bridge.
I still remember the accident. That night.
My dad was driving but something hit the car. It flipped and I was the only one who made it out. I cried for help but all I saw was a girl on the bridge. She saw me, and then I blacked out. That had to have been Aigis. That was the moment she sealed death in me.
Death lived within me for 10 years.
And we set it free when we eliminated the shadows.
How stupid we were.
It's all my fault.
I've cursed everyone.
~
Shinji,
It's been quiet around here.
Everyone is deciding for themselves what they want to do regarding Ryoji.
We have two choices: kill Ryoji and we forget everything, living in ignorant bliss until the Fall happens. Or we let him live and stop the Fall ourselves.
I've made my choice.
I will never forget.
I have to atone for my curse. If I have the chance to save everyone and everything, I'll take it. Even if it means risking my own life.
I don't know what everyone else wants to do, but there's been a lot of tension. We are meeting up tomorrow night to discuss the next steps. I'll go with the majority, but ultimately it's my decision as leader, and as the one who would have to kill Ryoji.
What would you decide? I wish you had a choice in the matter. But I made my decision thinking of you, and everyone else. I can't give up my bonds with you all. I will fight for you.
~
We did it. Everyone decided together to let Ryoji live, so we can fight for the future.
I'm relieved, to be honest. I don't know what I would have done if they had chosen differently. I may have gone against their wishes for my own choice, even if it meant everyone resented me. Is that selfish?
It is, and I know it. I just can't understand wanting to undo everything and accepting our fate.
I would've picked that in the past. But now I have too much at stake. Too many people I care about. Too much to live for.
Thank you for giving me something to believe in.
~
Things have been bad around town.
More people are succumbing to Apathy Syndrome.
Some strange cult has started, wishing for the Fall to happen. Wishing for their own death by Nyx. How ridiculous.
But I also understand. Maybe they don't have something to give them hope yet. I hope someday they find their light, their hope.
It seems Takaya is the one behind this cult. I really can't stand him. I know he feels strongly about his past and his view of power, but he's actively trying to bring the Fall. He wishes for the whole world to perish. I can't accept that.
We have until the end of the month to confront Nyx. I'm making sure we're all prepared and ready, but I feel anxious waiting. The more time that passes, and the closer we get to that day, the more I feel worried. What if we can't do it?
I'd rather try and fail, than not try at all.
I'm trying to keep everyone's spirits up. Everyone feels a bit nervous about it too, but we all need to be ready. Only by being prepared can we stand a fighting chance.
Wish us luck, Shinji. We're fighting for you. I know you're with us in spirit.
~
Tomorrow is the day we confront Nyx.
Just in case things don't go according to plan… I want to air out all my feelings.
I visited you today. I wasn't allowed in the room, but I could see you in the hallway through the window. The doctor says you're recovering well, and that it's just a slow process. I wish we could've talked.
But just seeing you gives me strength. You're fighting so hard to recover. It's my job to fight for you to have a chance at life.
Shinji… I love you. You already know that, but I want to make sure it's said. I knew you were special from the day we met.
You're so kind, helpful, and you care for everyone you meet.
I think back to the party we threw for everyone and it makes me so happy. The memories of you truly bring me warmth and happiness.
I miss getting to spend our evenings talking over dinner, or eating the food you make for me, even getting little cooking lessons from you. I miss the smile you try to hide. I miss being close to you.
I won't cry- you wouldn't want that. Instead, I'll smile for you.
I'll see you soon.
~
We did it.
Nyx has been sealed away once again.
~
It's been strange.
Getting rid of the Fall has made everything normal… but not really. I think everyone around me lost their memories of the last year. No one talks about SEES, or the dark hour, or Nyx, or the Fall. No one is friends anymore…. What happened??
~
I'm the only one who remembers what really happened.
Everyone else is living life, as if nothing happened.
Somedays, I want to stay in my room and cry. I miss getting to talk to everyone as a group. I still have Junpei and Yukari, but I miss Fuuka, Mitsuru, Akihiko, and Ken. Even Koromaru only comes around occasionally. Aigis is missing.
Do you remember me?
Please tell me you didn't forget too. Please.
~
I found Aigis, or really, she found me. She told me she needed time to recharge after the fight.
It's true that everyone forgot. Only Aigis and I remember. We agreed to try to meet up in secret every so often, to check in on each other and give progress updates.
She reminded me that we all agreed to meet up again after graduation on the roof of the school. I hope everyone remembers.
I hope you remember.
~
I feel worn out. Everyday becomes a little harder.
It's almost graduation.
Shinji, I must confess the truth of what happened with Nyx.
No one knows what I did.
I realized that only I could defeat Nyx and end the Fall.
With all my strength, I sealed it away.
I know what this means for me. I'm living on borrowed time. I thought I would be gone after the fight ended, but I understand now that I am quickly running out of time. Out of life.
I would give my life for you all. I don't feel afraid anymore. I feel… at peace with my decision. You all get to live on, even if it means I'm not around. I'm okay with that.
I'll be on the rooftop on graduation day. I hope to see everyone there, including you.
I'm leaving this with Aigis. If you wake up and regain your memories, then she'll give this to you. I asked her myself.
I feel bad lying to her about my fate, but I don't want to burden anyone with this. It was my choice and it's too late to back down.
I think you'll understand. If not, I'm sorry.
~
Happy graduation day, Shinji.
I hope to see you later today.
With love,
Kotone Shiomi