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It all happened too quickly. The Resistance, rushing through the secret passage and into the Bowl, the sound of swords and weapons clashing against each other. The sense of dread crashing onto me, the metallic scent of blood wafting through the air, and even through this, the only thoughts in my head were about that damned girl. Paedyn. I wanted to deny it - that she hadn’t caused this, it was just a coincidence - but no matter how much I tried, I knew, I knew she was the cause of this. That this girl I trusted, that I loved, had betrayed me, teamed with the Resistance. She couldn’t have, she wouldn’t have, she-
And then I saw it. Blood drained from my face. My father's dead body. The man who taught me everything. A dagger through his throat, the same dagger Paedyn had. I couldn’t breathe; I heaved for air. The blood, my hands were covered in the blood of my fathers, the terrible, sickening maroon color stuck to my hands. The shock was so great that even tears wouldn’t form. My breaths were ragged, eyes wide, terrified. I clawed at my throat. Something was suffocating me. I wanted to forget it all. It was my fault-I-I shouldn’t-It was-I-
I snapped up, cold sweat dripping down my face, my back sticky, the hard texture of my chair in my office digging into me. The crickets chirp in the dead of the night. I comb my dirty-blond hair back, the moonlight illuminating it. I look up, and then a wave of nausea hits. I bolt to the bathroom as the horrible, acidic, bubbly liquid comes up. I gag into the toilet, grasping onto the cold, white porcelain, as if my life depends on it. The acidic taste remains on my tongue, disgusting. I feel terrible, weak. Like I’m rotting. Dry heaves escape me; I felt horrible. I hadn’t even eaten anything, and yet I was puking, puking up my stomach acid. I stand up, hands and legs trembling.
I looked at the mirror, my reflection. I can’t even recognize myself.. I was a ghost of my past self. I turn on the sink, washing off nothing. No matter how much I washed them, how long I washed them, how roughly I washed them, I just couldn’t unsee my father's blood that tainted my hands when I tried to save him, but it was too late. It was just a nightmare, Kitt… I kept repeating this to myself, but I knew it was real. I knew that my dreams had actually happened, were real. Ever since that incident, ever since the girl I trusted, the girl who had let me speak my thoughts freely, the girl I had loved, betrayed me, killed my father, ever since the coronation, I kept dreaming, the flashes back to that time wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t stop.
My cheeks were sunken, revealing my bones, black circles under my eyes, and those eyes, every time I looked in the mirror, every damn time I would see the eyes, no longer green, sparkling and alive. Still, the eyes of my father, dead, hollow, cruel, but that’s how I needed it to be. How I wanted it to be. To be without emotion, I needed to be strong, emotionless. It was because my emotions got ahead of me, all of this happened. All because of me.
“Kitt.” A sharp voice cuts through my thoughts, and I turn around.
“Kai.” I nod curtly, still trembling like a leaf.
“Up again? Are the nightmares getting worse?” He asks in a brotherly concern, not enforcer and king, brother and brother. What we were until Father died.
“I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” My voice is shaky; even keeping a facade is tough… good to know.
“Like hell you are, Kitt. I know you’re the king now, and I’m your enforcer, but you're still my brother. I still-I still care and worry about you. Just tell me what’s wrong. Please?” I look up at him, my hollow eyes meeting his. My mouth opens, then closes, as I debate whether to speak, my lips trembling. Not again. I swore to not show my emotions, to not-
It’s then that I feel strong arms wrap around me, hugging me.
“K-Kai, what are you doing?” I freeze, my nose stinging as something bubbles up, my eyes prickling.
“Kitt, sometimes it’s better to just let it out, to cry into someone else's shoulder.” His voice is no longer flirtatious, stern, tense; it’s soft. And I want to. I want to, so damn badly. To just cry, to sob into his shoulder, and forget about all these worries in my thoughts. But I can’t. Would Father have done that? Would a strong king do that? No, a strong king wouldn’t. They wouldn’t let their emotions get the best of them.
“Kai, stop.” I push him away, turning around. “I’m not a child anymore. I don’t need your coddling. I’m the King. The King of Ilya, and you're my enforcer. We aren’t the playful kids who used to spar together in the past. It’s different. Things are different. I can’t let my emotions get ahead of me; I can’t show my weaknesses. I won’t. So please, stop coddling me, stop acting like you care about me. We’re no longer brothers. It’s king and enforcer now.” My voice is thick, worlds tumbling out of my mouth before I can stop them, like a waterfall. I turn around, tears streaming down my face. “So please, leave, my dear younger brother. I say this as a command as the King.” My voice cracks. That last request sounded more like a desperate plea than anything. I look Kai straight in the eye, and something flickers across his face. Pain, vulnerability, something I can’t quite read. He gets on his knee before saying,
“Of course, your majesty.” Then, without hesitation, he turns around and leaves. As soon as I know he’s out of eyes' reach, I let my knees buckle, and I let out a sob, a strangled and pained one. A sound I never thought I would make. Get it together, Kitt Azer, you’re the King. But no matter how many times I repeated this in my head, the emotions bubbled up. Every time I tried to shield my heart and soul from the world, every time I thought the wave of tears and sadness was over, it would come back. I hug myself desperately, clawing onto my skin, seeking warmth, wanting warmth, wanting that warm embrace I dreamed of. I was a selfish man. I wanted too many things. I wanted joy, happiness. I wanted to travel back in time to the days when Father was alive, when Paedyn wasn’t a traitor. No, when I thought Paedyn wasn’t a traitor. I was weak. As much as I hated it, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was weak, but I needed to try to be strong, right?
I stand up, legs shaking as I make my way to my office. I slump down onto the hard chair, masking my emotions again, eyes cold. There would be no more kind Kitt, I’ll be cruel, a king who can’t be manipulated by my emotions. I let out a shaky exhale, hands trembling as I wrote orders and signed contracts, tears landing on the papers, making ugly splotches. A wave of anger and sadness washes over me. I slam my fist down on the desk, stabbing the papers with the ink, and one thought continues crossing my mind. Why is it so hard for me to cover my emotions?
The next day, I hear the door open. I had ordered Kai, no, my enforcer, to come. He had that stupid fake smile plastered on his face.
“Kitt, you haven’t left your office since your coronation. You look like a living hell. Why don’t you come to the kitchen with me and get some-” I cut him off.
“This isn’t why I summoned you here, Kai. I have an order for you to carry out,” my eyes flash dangerously. Dead and hollow eyes look into his. Kai’s face becomes serious, tense as he recognizes the layer in my voice. He kneels.
“What will the order be? Your majesty. Your word is my command, and I will get it done.”
I breathe in before opening my mouth,“I want you to capture Paedyn Gray and bring her to me alive.” Kai tenses up. “I hope you will follow this order, enforcer.” A flicker of uncertainty crosses Kai’s face, something I caught. “I trust you will follow this order.”
“Do you not trust me, your majesty?” I inhale, choosing my words carefully.
“I just, I know you tended to... disobey father at times. How do I know you won’t do the same to me?” Kai stands up, placing his enforcer’s ring on the table. Hatred blazes in his eyes, something he tries to hide, but the aura around him says so too. He hates me. He doesn’t care for me anymore. He hates this version of me.
“Give this back when I’ve successfully earned back your trust.” And without another word, Kai leaves, shutting the door behind him. I stare at the ring that he placed on the desk with a hard and cold gaze, not looking away. I had not known this, but my heart had shattered, my soul was slowly but surely withering away, landing in a place no one could reach. I was making enemies and pushing away the people I cared for. I was slowly digging my own grave.