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All her life, Mary felt the crushing weight of her mum’s absence. She was just seven when she died. She feels lucky to be able to have a few memories of her, all her siblings are younger than her and don’t have many, especially Noah who wasn’t even a year old yet. But she used to steal her mum’s makeup and high heels, desperate to look in the mirror and see a glimmer of the woman she loves so dearly. All she achieved was reminding herself of the fact that the only way she could see her was by the photographs around the house or the handful of video tapes they have.
Being the eldest daughter of a single parent—a grieving single parent—Mary had to grow up fast, had to look after her three younger siblings while her dad was at work, not being able to afford childcare and having no other family in the country that could help out. At night, she would sometimes dream of escaping, to nowhere in particular. Just anywhere really. Dream of bringing her mum back to her, dream of having some kind of power in the world, dream of being beautiful and confident and desired. The latter she realised she could be if she tried, so she borrowed her mum’s things again, practiced her makeup until she could do perfect bold eyeliner and bright pink lipstick without looking like a clown. She dressed herself up, pretended to be a wolf—brave and vicious yet mesmerising all the same—so she no longer felt like a lamb to the slaughter. This way Mary had some control over her life.
Never in a million years did she ever expect her dream of power and an escape to become a reality. She could hardly believe it when she turned eleven and received a letter to join a school for magic. For actual magic! Mary was reluctant to go at first, her family needed her after all. But her dad got a better, higher paying job last year, they’re doing much better financially and also emotionally.
“There’s no reason why you shouldn’t go,” her dad smiles at her, proud of this wonderful opportunity she has been presented with. “We all will miss you so much, but if you want to go and learn magic, then you should.” He pulls her into a tight embrace, “I love you, sweetie.”
She was sick with nerves and excitement on September 1st, looking around at the train platform she had to run through a bloody wall to get too. Kids were hugging their friends they haven’t seen during the summer or bidding their family goodbye. There were people in the most ridiculous outfits she has ever seen and can’t believe she will have to wear a robe every day for school. The uniform could at least be a little more flattering.
The gleaming red train whistles and Mary hugged her family before she ran on it, waving goodbye to them until she lost sight of them. Taking a deep breath, she looked into countless full carriages until she found one with two people around her age.
“Can I sit in here?”
“No,” a dark-haired boy says the same a girl with the most beautiful red hair she has ever seen responds with an enthusiastic, “Yes.”
The boy huffs and Mary takes that as him relenting, sitting next to the girl who smiles brightly at her, “I’m Lily, and this is Severus.”
“I’m Mary, it’s nice to meet you.”
The journey to Hogwarts was long, but talking with her new friend made it enjoyable—she was able to ignore the few snide and cutthroat remarks Severus made under his breath. She didn’t really understand it until Lily explained how some people are prejudiced towards those with different heritages, especially those with muggle parents. She insisted her friend wasn’t like that, why would he be friends with her if he was? Mary wasn’t so sure about that, but she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. She just wished she didn’t go from one world that judged and even dehumanised her based on her ancestry, on things she can’t control and that don’t determine her worth as a human being, to another.
Everything was so overwhelming when she arrived. It took a couple of months, but she started to figure out who she was outside of being the eldest daughter, something she hasn’t had the chance to explore in years. Or she thought that’s who she was, until her dormmate and one of her best friends, Marlene, made an offhand comment about her being two different people when in the dorm and when she’s with other people. Maybe that was true, but Mary likes how people perceive her as a ‘bad bitch’ and ‘savage’. It’s nice how people actually notice her now, how she is popular and liked. She wouldn’t trade that for anything.
A few years later, Mary started dating and loved how she got even more attention from boys, even if they did seem to only want one thing from her most of the time. No one really wanted to get to know her, no one wanted to just exist with her. She convinced herself that was better than being ignored though. It was better than being alone, so she settled for snogging in storage cupboards and empty classrooms. As time went on, she began to feel hollow with every boy she spends time with. Who was she without them? Will she ever know? Does she even want to know?
“I’m afraid I’ve been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness,” she whispers as lies on the dorm floor with Lily, taking a drag of the spliff before handing it to her. “I’ve been dying just from trying to be cool.”
“I think you’re cool,” Lily replies sincerely. “The real you, not who you pretend to be.”
Mary sighs. “I wish I knew who the real me is. I wish didn’t feel like I had to be with someone to feel complete, yet I feel so empty at the same time.”
“Fuck those boys, they’re missing out on so much. You deserve better than wet weasels that don’t know how to do anything without holding their mummy’s hand.”
Mary bursts out laughing, feeling the weed really hit her now. She hasn’t laughed this hard in God knows how long. Probably when she was about eight or nine, on the trampoline in her friend’s garden. She doesn’t know what they were laughing about, but she lost her balance and fell off, breaking her arm. She learned cautious discretion after that, even more so than after her mum passed. Like when her first crush at primary school signed her cast, then ran off hand-in-hand with his girlfriend, crushing something kind in her. She supposes that’s why it’s called a crush, because of how much it hurts. Doesn’t matter that she was a little kid, it still hurt just as much as her arm.
“We should go to Hogsmeade this weekend, just the two of us. No boys or distractions, it would be fun.”
“Oh, I…I am busy,” Mary lies. Why, she doesn’t know. But the thought of being alone with her makes her stomach churn, which is odd considering they are alone right now.
It wasn’t until a week after Marlene told the two of them she likes girls that she realised that the reason she felt so odd around Lily was because she had feelings for her. Real feelings, more than she has felt for anyone before. Fireworks exploding in her stomach every time she’s near, goosebumps spreading across her skin when they touch. In hindsight, she wondered why she didn’t figure this out sooner. But she didn’t even know she was into girls as well. A lot of revelations recently. It didn’t matter though, Lily exclusively likes men, and even if that wasn’t the case, she only sees Mary as a friend. Besides, having her as a friend, a best friend, is better than Lily not being in her life at all.
It was much harder pretending her feelings didn’t exist when Lily got a boyfriend—some Ravenclaw that she couldn’t be bothered to learn the name of. What did he have that she didn’t? A dick? Please, her absence of one would surely make her better at pleasing her. She knows all the right spots after all. It killed her inside every time she saw them together or heard her talk about him. She had to leave the room on more than one occasion as she felt nauseous at the thought of them together.
“I don’t believe in marriage,” Mary lies again as she bites into a chocolate bar one night in the dorm, not sure how they got onto the topic in the first place.
“You of all people don’t believe in marriage?” Marlene exclaims, dumbfounded.
“What do you mean ‘me of all people’?”
“I don’t know, you just seem like one of those people who would have had their entire wedding planned by the time they were five.”
She shrugs, “I guess I can’t be tied down by some guy.”
“What about a girl?”
“I need to pee,” she says, running to the bathroom, thankful that by the time she returns, they’ve moved on from weddings. That night, she dreamt of walking down the aisle to a beaming Lily.
Time went on, boyfriends for the both of them came and went, but nothing ever quite made her heart sink more than when Lily sheepishly introduced her and Marlene to her new girlfriend. Mary tried so hard to hate her, but fuck, she is so sweet. She could tell why Lily liked her so much. But she likes girls. Which means that she could like Mary that way too, she just doesn’t like her.
She became more withdrawn from her friends and ended up hanging out with the Marauders more instead—what a bunch of dorks for naming their friend group. She even had a thing with Sirius, mostly to make her jealous, and Remus for him. Until after a few weeks, Lily cornered her in the dorm, piece of parchment clutched in her hand. Fucking traitors, why did they have to let her borrow their map?
“Why are you avoiding me?” she demands, voice bordering on shouting.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She scoffs, “Don’t lie to me. If I did something to upset you or you just don’t want to be my friend anymore, please just tell me.”
Mary lets out a long breath, only just realising how her behaviour has been hurting her. She never wanted that. It’s all just too much, and she thought some distance would help get rid of this stupid crush that is so clearly not reciprocated. “I’m sorry for upsetting you.”
“Just tell me why,” Lily murmurs.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It will ruin everything.”
“It won’t, I promise.”
“You can’t promise that, Lils.” She tries to leave the dorm, but Lily blocks her path. Their eyes lock and it comes involuntarily spilling out of her. “I’m in love with you.”
Her breath hitches. “In love? As in romantically?”
“Yeah…”
Her eyes glisten as she breaks out into a wide smile. “I’m in love with you too.”
“I- but what about Amelia?”
“She’s lovely, but she’s not you.”
Mary has to resist the urge to lean in, to see if her lips are as soft as they look. “I don’t do relationships. I don’t do feelings, or- or love.”
“I know, but it’s me, and you said you’re already in love. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“I fuck up like I always do and lose my best friend.”
“Then let’s make a deal to remain friends no matter what happens.”
“You really want to risk it?”
“I do.”
There’s so much that can go wrong, she should just walk away now before things between them become irreparable.
“Just one date,” Lily says after she is silent for a while, taking her hand in her own. “We can test the waters, see if this is really what we both want.”
“Okay,” she answers eventually, praying that this will be a good thing and not the start of the end of them.
The next week seemed to simultaneously pass incredibly fast and painstakingly slow. Before she knew it, Mary was throwing all her clothes onto her bed trying to find the perfect outfit, as if what she wears will determine the course of the rest of her life. She eventually settled on a classic pink mini skirt and crop top and met Lily in the Entrance Hall.
“You look gorgeous,” she says, handing her a bouquet of lilacs, her favourite, and extends her hand for her to take.
Mary didn’t know why she was worrying in the first place, the date was incredible. Truly incomparable. Having both recently passed their apparition exams, Lily took her to a muggle fun fair. They spent the day playing games—Lily won her a stuffed lion on the ring toss—and going on rides. They danced in the field to the ridiculously loud music, laughing at the dumb things she said and ate candy floss until they felt like they were going to puke. She didn’t realise how long they were out until they went on the Ferris wheel and listened as Lily excitedly pointed out the few constellations she knew, explaining the stories her dad made up about them when she was young.
Consumed by sudden courage, she leaned in and their lips connected in a tender kiss, better than anything, in the years she has spent fantasising about this moment, she dreamt of. Mary never thought she could ever find a beautiful life that shimmers that innocent life back like when she was young, so carefree and full of childish wonder. There is so much that could go wrong by handing her heart to her, but she trusts Lily to keep it safe. And she vows to never let her down, vows to hold Lily’s heart close and protect it with her life. Mary vows to never leave her, not now that she has found her home, the place where she truly belongs.