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Standing on the pier, watching Wade and Brook take their very teary leave from one another, Ember had one of those rushes of guilt she was used to after so many years, as she considered her own leave-taking from her parents—Bernie in particular. Though they had gotten to talk extensively since the flood, she still couldn’t shake the thought that she had let him down. I wonder if I’ll ever get over that, she thought. With his already well-developed sense of empathy (now to be ‘professionalized’ through the psychology program he was entering in their new city), Wade had been a source of advice and comfort for Ember as she worked to unspool years of conflicted emotions, many of them centered on Bernie. I feel like such a fool, for saying how much I wanted to take over the shop…and I didn’t really...I just couldn’t face admitting that to myself. I would have felt like a flake, and I just couldn’t accept that. Not in this family, with everyone working hard on the shop. Wade talks about not blaming myself for making the best decision I could at the time…that is what that was. Art school? That just seemed so self-indulgent. I couldn’t live with myself…that’s what I felt, anyway. So the shop it was. And there we are, back at square one. I didn’t want to run the shop, but I did want to run the shop. What else was there to do? I just shut out that there was any other possibility, because the…earthquake that would have made in the family was just unthinkable. She winced slightly as she thought of the years she’d been such a mess inside, all the while projecting this self-confident and purposive attitude, trying desperately to convince herself.
Bernie spoke to her sidelong, as he watched Wade and Brook. “Uh, are you sure about this one?” I guess he’s joking? I mean, we’re married, and he gave his blessing. I’m sure—and you’re sure, too, Dad. She replied, smiling, “I’m sure.” The guilt from a moment ago not having fully receded, she suddenly felt a need to—yet again—be apologetic with Bernie. Facing him and wringing her hands nervously, she started blurting out, “Dad, I’m sorry the internship is so far away. I mean, it’s the best glass design company in the world, but—who knows if it’ll become a real job.” Man, listen to yourself! Undercutting yourself already, and you haven’t even left! “I’ll be back in a few months anyway, and it might not end up being anything—“
Blessedly, Bernie interrupted this stream of self-abnegation: “Ay-yah, shhh. Go. Start new life. Your mother and I will be here—now with more time for hanky-panky!” Cinder’s eyebrows flew up and she poked him affectionately in the ribs. “Ê—shùtsh!” Bernie roared with laughter, followed by Cinder; and as she leant to pick up her suitcase, Ember smiled as well.
Will I ever stop feeling this compulsion to apologize to him? To make anything I do other than running the shop seem insignificant? To minimize it before it even starts, so if it fails, I won’t be so embarrassed? Ember knew that she had worn deep furrows of unhelpful thinking within herself, and that these things would take time to heal. Even with all the support around her—from Wade, from her parents, and from the Ripples as well—she seemed to feel compelled to punish herself. Why should I even doubt that the internship is going to go well? You’re really good at this. C’mon! You know that.
As she approached the gangplank, Wade having already made it more than halfway up, she suddenly felt like her feet were encased in cement. Something beyond her do-loop of thoughts about her leaving and the internship was making itself felt. Surprisingly, this unbidden new thought began to shine like a searchlight through all the smoke and fog and static she was throwing up inside herself. She recalled Bernie’s having told her about the time he and her mom had left Fire Land (from a pier, no less!), and about his dad’s negativity about that—refusing to return Bernie’s bà ksô.
Wait…the same thing…is happening again. Is he disappointed with me, like my grandpa, but just putting a brave face on it? And I’m so scared, maybe it would just be easier just to slink away and not… She found it wrenching to even form the words in her mind. …dare to find out if…I made to him a bà ksô…he might refuse it, like Grandpa?
And then, an explosion: Do you think that little of him? Do you really think he would do that? How can you think that?! She felt ashamed of herself.
She turned and looked wistfully at her parents. They were smiling kindly. Completely sincere in their love and good wishes for her.
She made the decision. Yes. This is good. It needs to be this. For...both of us...
Putting down her suitcase, she turned to them fully. She noticed that their smiles had been replaced by looks of slight incomprehension.
And in the time-honored manner, she began to make the ritual of the bà ksô; she spread out her arms horizontally and created a ball of flame in each hand. Closing her eyes, she then raised her hands straight up and, in bringing them together, the flames in each hand joined to become a larger one. She brought this ball down before herself as she knelt on the pier. Holding it for a moment, her hands then came together in a gesture of prayer and gratitude; and as she began to lower herself towards the ground, she spread out her arms both to support herself, and to show her deep respect in a bow of complete supplication, as the bà ksô signified.
If Bernie and Cinder had been bemused by Ember’s halting and putting down her suitcase, they were utterly stunned by what followed. Cinder gasped. But a thunderbolt went through Bernie. Oh…oh…my goodness…Ember…my beloved daughter... His mind raced back again, as it sometimes did, to the shame he had felt on the pier in Fire Land all those years ago, when his father had dismissed him with a cold stare…while I paid my respects to him…he wouldn’t…wouldn’t even…He felt his throat constricting, and tears coming to his eyes.
He gently looked towards Cinder, who looked at him affectionately. Her heart was bursting for her dear husband—she knew how much that old rejection had wounded him. And now our Ember, bless her heart, is trying to close that wound. Their minds were as one, and he silently handed her the umbrella he was carrying.
Taking a step forward, he looked to Ember—now in her deep bow with eyes closed across the way—and, going through the same steps, mirrored her gesture, coming to also be kneeling, face down, with his arms spread wide on the pier, eyes closed.
Behind the eyes of each, they were saying so many words of gratitude and respect, and feeling both their own and the other’s pain, and seeking to soothe and comfort those hurts, and to stride forward confidently as they took their leave of one another for a time. Each one could have sworn that they were in direct contact with the thoughts and feelings of the other.
After a few moments of this intense communion, both began to open their eyes and return to the present. Cinder approached Bernie and was together with him once again as he stood up; and, returning to her feet, Ember turned about, took her suitcase into her hand, and stood once again at the bottom of the gangplank. She gathered in a great breath, her shoulders rising; and then…
…with a profound sense of relief, let the breath leave her and felt her shoulders returning to a relaxed position. She knew that she was still very early in her new path, and that there would be challenges, both external and internal. But she also felt that something large had shifted within her just now, and that there was one less thing weighing her down. I am so glad that I could make him...and...and myself...that gift. Now…now the trip can begin. And she stepped upon the gangplank and ascended towards where Wade was waiting for her, smiling.