Work Text:
the second Reigen woke up, he knew something wasn't right
Reigen was a side sleeper since his fat ass had seemed to have always stopped him from being able to sleep face up, but despite this, he laid perfectly flat on his mattress.
It was weird to say the least, but he brushed it off, due to his drowsiness or lack of care, however, the little problems seemed to continue.
He sat down and all he could feel was his bonded against the chair, it wasn't a nice feeling.
What happened to me?
Then finally after what one could say was too much time, he started to get worried. All the possibilities of what could have happened circled around his head. was he a skeleton, had he been drained of all his blood in the middle of the night, were maggots eating him out from the inside?
He rushed to his bathroom slamming open the door clearing the dust off his mirror and looked in it.
He looked normal at a first glance. Average god awful morning hair, slightly yellowed just barely crooked teeth, bits of purple under the eyes and a stubble, he seemed to look fine, but he knew that something was off. He started checking out his body in the mirror. Arms were still there, his stomach didn't seem to be tampered with, his back still had the scar from when they all went to defeat Claw's 7th divison, so what was wrong. He knew something was missing, it was so obvious but so subtle he just didn't know.
And that's when he realized.
He had a flat ass.What the fuck happened.
He couldn't bring himself to believe it, him? The #1 dilf/milf Twink having a flat ass? Not possible, he was sure he was seeing things or at least feeling the wrong things, but he wasn't, his ass was flat. His heart sank as he fell to the ground, who would do such a thing to him? His caked up ass was his staple point, you could've spot him a mile away with how big it was, but now, it's all gone. He was going to find out who did this, and he was going to get his ass back, one way or another.
He started to look for clues around his house, you cant just take someones ass without leaving some trace, its impossible. He got on his knees like a good boy and started sniffing the floor, not a inch was left uncovered. He checked everywhere, under his chair, mattress, table, computer, anything and everything. He was sure to find something sooner or later,,, right? Around thirty minutes passed until he found his first clue, a stupid fucking cardboard cutout of some gay ass bandage wearing freak with a stupid ass haircut the body equivalent to a twig and some stupid gay looking tie he was pretty sure he saw on an episode of south park. Was this the dude that took my ass? He examined the mans rear, just to make sure y'know, no homo or whatever kids say idfk. Looks like the man would have a reason to take his ass, the mans was pretty much non existent, you could chop up vegetables on that cutting board, it was so flat it almost turned inwards, the mans ass was so bad Reigen started to actually feel bad for him. He locked in tho bc that mf took his ass and he was gonna get it back, but how would he locate the man? And that's when some ed Sheeran looking dude and a split dyed hair goddess broke into his apartment through the window.
"We heard Dazai was being a dick, let us help you" said the orange one, he was short as hell, almost shorter than mob, though it might've just been the fact he was standing next to a long haired dude(?) the height equivalent to an NBA basketball player.
Reigen inferred Dazai was the name of the bandage wearing freaky he saw in the photo, why did these people know him? Also how did they find him? There were so many questions he could ask but all he wanted to focus on was getting his ass back.
"You know him? Can you help me get my ass back?"
"That's what he took? He sure hasn't changed,," The purple and white haired goddess said and by GOD was shawty fine as HELL MHHHMMMM 🤤✌
"He's an old acquaintance and yeah we can help you with that" said the ginger.
He thought to himself, they seemed trustworthy enough, not the type to backstab, and its not like he really had any other options so fuck it we ball
"hmmm,,, alright lets go then, but first, I never caught your names as you know, the breaking into my house and everything didn't really get a opening for that" not his best jokes but he doesn't really have to be with them for that long, it cant take that much time to beat up a dude and undo a surgery, probably, maybe , hopefully.
"Its Chuuya" Said the ginger in the discord mod fedora
"Sigma" said the beautiful woman man who cares atp they're beautiful either wa
what the fuck was that name again
",,,, sigma?,, thats your like,, your name,," Reigen replied, that's gotta be the dumbest name he's heard since dick became a nickname for richard
"yes" they replied
"and that had been your name,, your entire life,," he said
"yes" she said again
"Im,, I'm very sorry" he said now stifling his laugh
"oh that's right, the brainrot, Dazai was always quoting that fucking garbage" Said Sigma oh my god that name
"listen lets just get this over with quickly as possible,, you, your name?" chuuya asked riegen
"Reigen arataka, greatest psychic of the 21st century, take my business card" Reigen said in his salesman voice swiftly taking a card out of his breast pocket and handing it to Chuuya.
",, Alright lets just go beat up that toilet paper motherfucker" Said chuuya obviously pissed