Chapter 35

Kieran

I was sitting at the table with my empty glass from breakfast feeling numb after coming back from Mason's, Annalise sat next to me. We were silent but her presence was comforting. She seemed to want it to be my choice if we talked about what had happened. That was how she was, I loved her for it.
"Marcella texted me about you today." She said softly. I nodded. I wanted to see her.
"I'll text her." But we sat for a bit longer before I did.

I let Annalise come with me to Cella's house. I'd only told her that something happened and I needed to talk. She opened the door and looked me over without saying anything for a minute.
"You look different." She finally said. I nodded. Something felt different in me. Cella led us upstairs and the three of us sat on the edge of her bed. There was a heavy silence. I decided to start with the good news.
"Mason and I are back together."
"What!? Kieran, that's great news! Why the hell are you so glum then?" I didn't respond, I couldn't find the words yet. I didn't know how to start.

Annalise put a hand on my shoulder.
"Should I help you?" I nodded."Cella, Mason almost died." She whispered.
"Again?!" Her tone changed. "Cedric?" I winced.
"Not like last time. It was... Worse." Annalise spoke for me again.
"What do you mean?" Marcella whispered, she looked pale and stressed. I finally found my words,
"We had to take him to the ER." Cella gasped. She already knew that was something we avoided.
"Kieran... What happened?"

I told her the story then, starting with the sick feeling I'd gotten when I went to bed, about the smell of blood and death, about Mason's injuries, the things Cedric said. When I got to the part of fighting Cedric I had to stop.
I stood and paced the room rubbing my arms. A heaviness seemed to float in the air, I had to gather the strength to speak into it's oppressive hold. My friend waited patiently.
"I killed him." I said finally. Marcella lept up and tackled me in a hug. I let out a strangled sob then, once I started crying again I couldn't stop. Marcella held me, stroking my hair and whispering that I was safe, Mason was safe, it would be ok. She was shaking.

Eventually I was able to tell her how it happened, we were sitting on the floor, she was holding my hand in both of hers. I felt an exhausted numbness washing over me again making me limp.
"Do you regret it?" She asked. I shook my head no and she nodded. "You probably need therapy." I laughed at that.
"I'm not sure that would be possible."
"What, there's no vampire therapists?" I shrugged."Did you get injured?"
"Yeah. Broke my ribs." She rubbed her eyes and sniffed. We were both quiet then for a long time. I noticed that Annalise was gone, she had a knack for knowing the right time to leave me.

"Kieran," Cella's voice was soft, "what happened was not your fault. I honestly doubt that the choices you and Mason made had any affect on Cedric's plans. Even if he hadn't caught you that first time. He was obsessed, he had no right to go after Mason in the end and that didn't stop him from trying again.
You didn't know what would happen, you couldn't have, you made the only choices you could, and you were right that Cedric wasn't going to drop it, there was just no way you could prevent it. Everything was in Cedric's hands. You didn't chose it, you didn't contemplate it ahead of time. What you did in that moment... It wasn't a reflection of you. You aren't a violent person just because Cedric was and this isn't you choosing one life over another, you only chose to defend life in that moment." Her words cut through the dark thoughts that shrowded my mind, right to my heart. My throat tightened with emotion.
"How do you know exactly what I'm thinking?" I choked. She didn't reply but gently reached up and pulled my head to her shoulder.

I spent Sunday night at Cella's house, my dad called to check on me, I couldn't remember a time he had ever done that, he even brought my schoolwork and a change of clothes for me. I felt sad for him, I'd never seen him as particularly sentimental and I wondered if he was feeling fragile. Cella made me work on my late assignments to distract myself, she said I had missed too many days and it would be good for me to go to school tomorrow, I went to sleep that night feeling safe and glad I wasn't alone.

The next time I saw Mason was after school on Monday, his parents made him stay home one extra day even though according to him it was unnecessary. I could only imagine how mad he was going to be sitting out of football practice for a week, which was also being enforced by his parents. I was so anxious to see him again that I got up from my last class a minute or two before the bell, it mostly felt good to do because I got a lot of stares.

I went to Mason's house again, when I pulled up he was already opening the front door and then he hurried out so fast that he got the car door open before I'd even shut off the engine. "Woah, chill-" I was interrupted by Mason's lips, he was hunched over leaning into my car like a fool.
"Oh ok, why not just come in then?" I said mischievously, while swinging my legs toward the door I swiftly grabbed Mason by the shoulders, he yelped and stumbled as I leaned back over the center console pulling him on top of me, we kissed again but broke apart from laughter.
"My shins are digging into the door frame, let me go you maniac!" He was fumbling with his arms for a hold to push himself up.
"Oh, I thought you wanted this!" I teased giving him a helpful shove to the chest and accidentally causing his head to bang on the top of the door frame on his way out.
"Ow! What the hell, Kieran! I didn't stay home from school just to get beat up by you later."
"Beat up? No. Roughed up? Hopefully. Anyway, this will teach you to have a little patience." I turned the car off, got out and closed the door, Mason was rubbing the back of his head with a good natured smile. "Now, let's try that again normally." I said, putting my hands on his cheeks I gave him a proper deep kiss. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and lower back and for a moment we stayed that way, savoring it.

When I pulled back to look at him I saw that his expression had changed, he looked relieved before quickly burying his head in my shoulder. I knew he was feeling the shock of being back together, I was feeling it too, the anxiousness of having a precious thing just barely make it back to you.
I leaned against the car to support more of his weight, cradling his head and stroking his hair. After a few minutes I said, "Are we going inside?"
"Actually, I thought maybe we could sit outside."
"Huh? Where?" I looked around. Mason had straightened up but didn't let go.
"Not in the driveway you dummy. In the back."

I followed him along the side of the house and was surprised to see a very large garden area. There was a gazebo with patio furniture as well as paths around an extensive winterized garden, benches were interspersed leading to a fountain at one end.
"Wow, I bet this looks great in the summer."
"It looks great in all the seasons, even in winter it has charm, especially when there's snow."

He led me to the gazebo, it had lattice with vines growing up to the roof, even though the vines were bare of leaves they did offer a feeling of seclusion. There was a sturdy, wooden outdoor couch with bright red patio cushions on it.
"Don't most people put outdoor furniture away this time of year?"
"Yeah we do. I uh, got it out." I stared at him, this boy had gotten a couch out of a shed for me. I shook my head.
"That's cute." I said begrudgingly."You’re cute."
"Good, sit by me then." I did.
"Who takes care of this garden?"
"Oh we all do."
"We?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "You garden?"
"Well. I am part of we."
"Hm." I thought about that. Even though I lived in a big communal house just like his I'd never really felt like part of a 'we'.

Mason and I talked casually, it was easy to feel normal again, we hadn't really been apart for all that long even though it felt like years durring it, when I didn't know that it was going to end. I thought about how much easier it would have been to endure if only I'd known that our separation would end so quickly. I used to imagine that maybe years later we would find a way to be back together, I certainly hadn't even begun to hope we would be together again in just over a month.

We moved passed talking soon and on to other things, things like being close to eachother again. We were both needy after all this time.

I was lying on the couch with Mason's head on my chest rubbing his shoulders when I said, "Let me see your wounds. How are they?" Mason tensed.
"They're gone. You don't need to see them."
"Please. Will you let me?" He looked up at me frowning.
"I don't want you to think about them. About... Those memories. I think it's too soon, I don't know if you're ready. I'm... afraid–" he cut himself off.
"Are you afraid the memories will hurt me? Or you?" Mason groaned and didn't answer right away.
"I'm afraid. That you'll get scared again." He said uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry." I felt sad for him.
"No, I don't want you to be sorry. That's why I didn't want to talk about it."
"If you're worried that I regret it, I don't." I said quickly.
"Is that true?"
"Mason! Of course it's true! This is why we do need to talk about it, I don't want you to think I'm still afraid, there's no one to be afraid of anymore. To be honest... I feel safer now than I have in a long time. Before I met you, even. Ugh, it's disturbing to say outloud but... It's the truth."
"You really were scared of him all that time weren't you? I can't imagine that, being afraid in your own home, of your own brother. And it turns out you had every reason to be..." He trailed off and was silent for a moment then asked,"You're happy then?"
"I'm beyond happy, with you. But it would be a lie to say that's the only thing I feel." Mason tightened his arms around me.
"What else do you feel?" He whispered.

"I feel angry. I feel different now. Like a different person, I don't know what I think of this person and I'm angry that Cedric forced me into it. I feel..." I hesitated knowing that what I wanted to admit might make Mason sad. In the end the desire to be understood by him was greater than my desire to protect his feelings, "I feel a little lonely."
"I thought you might." He said calmly, I was completely surprised.
"Really?"
"Well. You did it alone. I was there, but, the burden was all yours." I realized not for the first time how different our world views must be. Mason's pack mentality and social awareness were strange to me, yet it was so natural and ingrained in him.
"Do I seem different to you?" I asked somewhat fearfully.

"Yes." He said without hesitating,"but, in a good way. I think... Well, you used to be freaked out by the fated mates thing but now, you really and truly chose it. You chose me. I used to feel a little... Insecure, I almost worried that you held some reluctance about our relationship, not that you showed it, but I wondered if you felt pressured. I was afraid that if things were different you wouldn't have choosen me. But then you protected me in a way that I didn't think you had in you, no offense. You showed me what I mean to you and I don't feel insecure anymore."
"What did you see?" I asked breathlessly. I didn't know what I thought about what he'd said yet. I needed to mull it over.
"I saw most of it, I opened my eyes when I heard you scream."
"I screamed?"
"When he threw you."
"So you saw him almost kill me then?"
"It didn't look like almost to me." He sounded defensive."You were fast, like you knew what to do." I smiled, I felt proud despite the guilt.
"I didn't." I laughed.
"You did," He insisted, pulling his knees forward and sitting up on my lap, "He was kicking like an animal and you didn't even flinch. I KNOW he was kicking like an animal because your ribs ended up broken! Yeah. I was so proud of you, I am I mean. Well, I'm trying to be sensitive because I know it's going to be hard for you to process and I know you feel guilty and all but. Kieran, I was so proud of you. I wasn't even afraid that you would lose you know?"
"What!?" I was incredulous. Mason nodded enthusiastically.
"When I heard your voice all the fear left me. I just knew you would save us. I knew Cedric couldn't win."
"You knew more than me that's for sure." I smiled with a bit of sadness.
Mason turned his back to me and lifted his shirt to the shoulders so I could see his bandages.
"Here you can see, just look at one though because the tape sucks." I gently peeled back one of the bandages, what I saw was an angry red line, it was swollen and raised but clearly the opening in the skin had closed.
"Won't you need to take these stitches out soon?"
"Yeah, maybe tonight."
"Can't I do that?"
"Hm I don't know, how steady is your hand?"
"I'm literally an artist!" I scoffed.
"Ok babe, you can." Mason said, leaning in for another kiss.

I felt a bit lighter after my time with Mason but when I got home I found myself not wanting to go in my room. I hadn't been in it since that night, and for some reason it felt scary. Like all my negative thoughts and memories would be waiting inside where I left them. I went to find my dad instead, he was in his study as usual and looked up at me warmly.
"Kieran, I'm glad to see you home son." To my surprise he got up and came to hug me, it was a stiff hug but kind. "How are you doing?" He asked.
I sighed heavily, "I'm having highs and lows."
"I as well." He frowned and put a hand on my shoulder. "Do you need to talk?"
"Actually I was wondering if um, are there any empty bedrooms? That I could, you know, move to?" He raised his eyebrows thoughtfully.
"Yes, I believe that could be a good idea." Without another word he walked out intending for me to follow him.

He led me to a bedroom in a different hall than my own, far away from mine. And Cedric's. "How about this one? Annalise is in this hallway too." The room was a bit smaller, but it had a nice window seat with bookshelves built up around the window.
"Yeah this is great."
"Wait here." I was surprised again when he reappeared shortly carrying a box of things from my desk.
"Oh, what are you doing? Let me help." I moved to leave the room but he put a hand out to stop me.
"No need, some of the others are helping and they're already on their way with furniture.

In a matter of minutes all my things found their way to my new room, Annalise had found her way as well. She and my father stayed to help move furniture, I enjoyed arranging the new room with them.
"We're going to get you mood lighting." Annalise said decisively while neatly filling the bookshelf.

When we finished my father asked her to leave us alone. He sat on the window seat and I stood awkwardly waiting for him to speak.
"I'm sorry that you're alone now." He managed finally. "I never wanted to have an only child. I was always afraid it would be an isolating experience and I deeply regret the way things turned out. I feel a responsibility." I shook my head.
"Cedric took choices away for all of us."
"He certainly manipulated control over the situation."

We were quiet, lost in our own separate memories, not willing to speak them. I thought of Cedric as a child, how he could at times feel like a normal brother. I wondered what he had wanted to do, if he had any other plans for his life besides hunting werewolves.
I wondered where he went.
"Dad. What happened to him?"
"I didn't understand his obsession–"
"No. I mean. Where is he. Now."
"Oh... I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that anymore than an average mortal. The attribution of our lives being cursed is a label given by humans out of fear and disgust. We are just what we are and whether or not there is an afterlife is a mystery to me as well as you."
"I'm afraid of my choice, for the first time in my life." I said quietly.
"It's a heavy thing to process, but if you can make it through, there is peace in accepting mortality." I went and sat by him and rested my head on his shoulder, I heard wisdom and experience in the calmness with which he spoke.

"Are you very sad?"
"Yes." He said simply.
"I'm sorry."
"I know. There was nothing else to be done, you and your boyfriend deserve to be safe. I regret allowing the burden of securing that safety to fall on you. Also it needs to be said that whether or not you want to accept the role as heir of the coven is your choice and it is one that you have a long time to consider."
I was relieved to hear that. When he eventually left I was able to go to bed more easily than I expected, my brain was pretty toast.