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When Sieun and Suho broke up, Sieun thought he would die. He wanted to rip his heart out just so he would stop feeling this way. Their friend group was split. It felt like his parents' divorce where he would visit one parent each weekend, except this time he wasn’t the one stuck in the middle, but his friends were stuck between him and Suho.
Sieun thought they were doing fine until they were fighting every single day. It felt like everything Sieun said set Suho off. Suho would shout, “Why can’t you just be different?” Different. Why couldn’t he just be different? He always had been different.
‘Why couldn’t he just do better?’
When they had the talk, Suho said, “It’s me, not you.”
Obviously, that’s code for it’s definitely you.
That was a year ago. A year without waking up to Suho’s face, without smelling his scent, without feeling his touch. He has tried to move on. He went on dates, and he tried dating apps, but none of them helped him move on. Sieun had not seen Suho since the breakup—well, not in person, at least. He saw glimpses of Suho’s life through friends’ Instagram posts. Suho seemed happy, too happy, and it made Sieun bitter.
‘How can he move on already?’
Logically Sieun knows that any normal person would have moved on, and it’s Suho’s right to do so, but he still resented Suho for it.
Sieun is brought back to the present when a notification pops up on his phone from Juntae.
Juntae ^-^ 21:23
Sieunie, my birthday is on Friday, and Seongie is throwing me a birthday party! You HAVE to come, or else there will be consequences!! ;(
Sieun looks at the message, dread flooding over him. He knows Suho will be there. Usually his friends don’t invite him to parties since they know Sieun doesn’t enjoy them, but this time he HAS to go, which makes him nervous.
Sieun 09:24
Who’s going?
Two simple words, one question that will decide the fate of his night.
Juntae ^-^ 09:24
Obviously Baku, Gogo, and Suho! Seongie invited so many people, so those are the only people I know. I really want you there. Pleaseee, you’re my best friend.
Sieun can already imagine Juntae making puppy dog eyes at him. He can’t win, can he?
Sieun 09:24
Okay, I’ll go, but only if I am allowed to leave early.
Juntae ^-^ 09:25
Omg!!! Yes, of course you can! I’m so excited!! You’re the best.
Sieun likes the message and shuts his phone. He was doing fine studying at his desk, and now his throat feels like there is barbed wire wrapped around it. He does not know whether to scream or cry.
He’d rather eat a million needles than have to go see Suho’s face again.
Sieun looks at his calendar hanging on the wall.
‘Juntae’s birthday is on Saturday.’ Today is Wednesday, so that’s three days till Saturday. Three days to mentally prepare himself to see Suho again.
Sieun tries to study again to relax his mind, a mind that’s feeding into his insecurities. He has all these questions that he wants answers to, but he knows he will never get them.
‘What if Sieun was too much?
What if he was not enough?
What if Suho saw what everyone else sees in Sieun?
What if he realized that Sieun being needy was too much?
What if he moved on?
What if…?’
Sieun gets scared awake by his alarm clock. He hadn’t realized he slept on his desk. His back hurts from sleeping in a slouching position. Sieun gets up to stretch and get ready for his class. He reads the time— 6:30AM. That means it’s officially 2 days till Saturday. What a daunting word Saturday has become; he feels sick just thinking about it. It’s so nauseating to think about being in the same place as Suho.
Sieun goes about his morning like normal. He takes a shower, changes, brushes his teeth, and eats breakfast. He has a normal routine he sticks to.
‘Maybe I was too predictable…? Too boring.’
He shakes his head, trying to stop himself from thinking this way. He sees the time is now 8:00AM, so he leaves his apartment and heads towards school.
Once Sieun arrives on campus, he heads towards his first class: calculus III. He likes to be there 30 minutes before class to continue studying. As Sieun reaches the classroom, he hears someone shout his name, and before he could even process or even check who it is, he feels someone wrap their arms around him.
“Sieunieeeeee!” Juntae exclaims as he swings Sieun a bit. He then lets go of him and smiles brightly. It almost hurts Sieun when Juntae turns to look at him.
Sieun gives Juntae a small smile, microscopic compared to Juntae’s huge smile.
“I knew I’d catch you before class. You’re always here 30 minutes before class,” Juntae says as his boyfriend, Seongje, steps beside Juntae.
He looks over to the three figures behind Juntae and Seongje.
‘Wait three…?’
‘WAIT, THREE? Oh no’
Hyuntak and Baku are there. Sieun’s counting, too scared to look to the right. Finally he finds the courage to look, and when he does, there is Suho standing there next to Baku.
That’s when he feels it, the world stopping, the barbed wire tightening around his neck; he can feel it pricking his skin.
Sieun quickly looks back to Juntae. “Why’d you want to catch up before class?” he says, hoping it does not sound like he wants to cry.
“We missed you, Gray,” Baku says extremely loud with a big smile, making Sieun look at him. “Don’t call me that; I already told you.” Sieun says with a monotone voice.
“C’mon, we can’t forget the great white mamba!” Baku says, pride lingering in his voice.
“That was ages ago. I don’t even game anymore, so there are probably better players these days.” Sieun says as he focuses his attention on Juntae. “Now what did you want to talk about?”
As much as he enjoys seeing his friend, he feels like he’s going to explode. Maybe he is a bomb waiting to explode. God, he wishes he could explode at this moment right now.
“I wanted you to help me decorate the house. I don’t trust anyone else to decorate but you. Please, I'll owe you one.” Juntae says bringing him back from dissociation.
“Okay, fine. Just let me know the details, and I’ll let you know what time I can get there,” he says.
Juntae squeals and hugs Sieun. The hug made him forget about the giant elephant in the room. He lets go after a second. Sieun almost thinks he misses the warmth of another human being.
‘What is wrong with me?’
Juntae says his goodbyes as well as the rest of the group, and Sieun says goodbye back. He turns to go inside his class but not before he glances at Suho one more time, who is already looking at Sieun. This spooks Sieun. He quickly looks away and leaves to open the door to his class. He can’t even focus on studying right now, not after he had to see his ex, who broke his heart and then went to live a better life.
Today is now Juntae’s birthday, the Saturday he has spent dreading. As much as he loves Juntae, he seems to have forgotten that Sieun is unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Ahn Suho.
He is now standing in Juntae’s house setting up decorations for the party that starts at 9, but realistically everyone comes at 10.
Sieun spends his time being ordered around by Juntae. He had a vision in his head, and he wanted Sieun to make it come to life. Sieun and Juntae were done by 10, just in time for guests to start coming. Juntae sets him free from his duties, which allows Sieun to grab a red Solo cup and fill it up with alcohol. If he was going to face Suho, he was going to need a bit of confidence.
The party is a hit. The house is packed with especially drunk people. Sieun might be drunk. He sits on Juntue’s couch staring at Suho making out with Kang Woo-young, Suho’s baseball teammate. The one he said not to worry about when they were in a relationship.
‘Ouch…’ he thinks to himself.
Sieun realized he probably looks like a creep looking at his ex making out with someone, but God, he can’t help himself. He is in a daze. He realizes Suho is making eye contact with Sieun while he is making out with Woo-young. Sieun can throw up just thinking about his name.
Sieun gets up from the couch and heads upstairs to Juntae’s spare room. All Sieun needs to do is lie down and pretend Suho never existed.
Sieun does not realize that Suho has followed him upstairs to the spare bedroom until he turns around and finds himself face-to-face with the fucking asshole that broke his heart, and the worst part is they’re in a room with no escape.
“What do you want?” he says, slurring his words as he glares at Suho.
“C’mon, you were the one staring at me.” Suho says in an accusatory tone.
“So? I can look wherever I want. I didn’t realize there was a crime for staring. I don’t know why you’re here. I really do not want to do this right now." Sieun says tiredly, just wanting to lie down and cry.
“God, this is what I hate! You don’t even get angry.” Suho says, frustrated.
“W-what…do you mean—”
“You are so expressionless. I had to work hard to just get you to smile or even hug me, and don’t get me started on how hard it was for you to hold my hand. God forbid we act like boyfriends, right? Do you know how tiring that is? I felt like a dog waiting for scraps from its owner. You are too much yet not enough...” Suho says before stopping himself as he looks at Sieun on the verge of tears. “Oh god, Sieun...I’m sorry,” he says, trying to get closer him.
‘Oh.’
‘Not enough...yet...’
‘Too much yet not enough’ are words used to describe Yeon Sieun by the love of his life.
“Don’t. Why didn’t you just say something?” Sieun says as he backs away. He hates how weak he sounds, especially in front of Suho. “You literally could've said something! Anything!” Sieun angrily shouts. “I thought I was doing enough. I told you from the beginning I struggle with affection, and I told you at any time if you feel like you need me to do more to tell me,” Sieun is now crying and breathing heavily.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” Sieun says, “I think it’s best if we don’t cross paths ever again. I’d appreciate it if I never have to see your face again. I don’t ever want to be in the same room as you. Get out.”
“Okay, I will, but just know I really did love you. I am sorry for how this all went down. I really did not mean for this to happen.” Suho says, looking ashamed, maybe a bit of remorse, but Sieun couldn’t care less right now; he just needs Suho gone.
“Just leave, please,” Sieun says as he waits for Suho to leave.
Once he’s gone, Sieun walks to the bed and crawls on it. He curls into a ball and just sobs everything out. He cries, knowing he was too much but also not enough.