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So, I play this game, called Palia. It's basically an MMORPG, but there's no combat. It's just life sim stuff like house building, farming, fishing, and mining. I'm not that far into it, but it's been pretty fun so far. I like that there are other players running around, which makes it pretty unique compared to other life sim games.
The other players usually have standard MMO names. You got normals using their old AIM usernames, like "BarryWisconsin92". And you got role-players rocking fancy monikers, like "Elysia O’Flora". You know, just standard MMO stuff. But one time, I met a player with such a dumb name that I couldn't help but to be intrigued. That player was The Fart Man.
At the time, I was wandering the outskirts of town, trying to level up my bug catching skill, when I vaguely noticed another player. He was hunting Sernuk, which is just what Palia calls deer. I didn't think much of him at first, but then the nameplate floating above his head ambushed my attention. He was "The Fart Man". I was so taken aback that I genuinely laughed. Why would anyone name themselves that? Whoever this guy was, I had to know more.
Despite the name, The Fart Man didn't have much more glitz than a regular newbie. He had a pale complexion with an average build. He was bald and had a curly mustache. He wore a crop top and booty shorts. To me, he kind of looked like a bald Freddie Mercury. If it weren't for "The Fart Man" nameplate hovering over him, he'd blend in with all of the other players.
Anyway, I started the conversation the best way I knew how: by channeling the charisma of Joey from "Friends". I looked him up and down and served him one of these: "Hey Fart Man. How you doin'?"
The Fart Man stopped moving and turned towards me. The Sernuk that he was hunting fled, but he didn't seem to mind. He replied, "good, u?"
That was a pretty normal response. I was kind of disappointed.
"Same."
"Hey, I got a question for you."
"Why'd you name yourself The Fart Man?"
The Fart Man paused thoughtfully to type out his response. The anticipation in me was building. Eventually, he said,
"i'm the fart man because i hate jel so much"
I thought to myself: What..? Jel the tailor NPC? What does Jel have to do with farts? The dude is probably too stuffy and formal to have ever passed gas in his life. And tabling that matter for a second, what does he have against Jel? I began typing out my questions, but The Fart Man continued talking before I could ask them.
"have you ever hated someone so much"
"that you would throw away all of the beauty and dignity in your life"
"just to see them suffer?"
I opened my mouth slowly in disbelief. I was flabbergasted. Why is The Fart Man so full of hatred? I thought this would've been a silly story. I replied, "No. I... don't understand."
"i was like you once. before i became what i am now"
"i had a normal account. a normal name"
"all of it lost to time"
"i thought it would be fun to romance jel"
i gave him all sorts of gifts but he never took them"
"flowers, gold, meat"
"nothing was good enough for him and it broke my heart"
"i had never suffered such an embarrassment"
The Fart Man was in full gear telling me about his metamorphosis. The in-game chat had a character limit, so he spoke in chopped fragments. It gave me the impression of someone so enthusiastic about talking that they ran out of breath and could only say a few words at a time between gasps for air.
"i needed revenge on him"
"so one day i created a new account"
"with a new face. a new name"
"then i followed him around and i studied him from afar"
"until i knew exactly what he wanted"
"all so that i'd make him fall in love with me"
"so that when i became his boyfriend"
"he would suffer the embarrassment"
"of the people whispering"
"look! it's jel and his boyfriend"
"the fart man"
"and when we would get married"
"he would take my last name as his own"
"and he would suffer the embarrassment"
"of becoming jel the fart man"
"and when we would decide to raise a child"
"we would name our child after me"
"and he would suffer the embarrassment"
"of being the father of the fart man jr"
"and when we would finally die"
"we would get graves next to each other"
"and he would suffer the embarrassment"
"of being buried in loving memory next to"
"the fart man"
"i'm the fart man because i hate jel so much"
"do you understand now"
I did. I finally understood The Fart Man's choice of name and how it was born from his obsession souring his love into hate and finally into a perverted concoction of the two feelings. The Fart Man believed that he was the antithesis to the idea that a rose by any other name smells just as sweet, and sought to saddle Jel with an association to such a crass name, to diminish him.
But, I sensed the noble soul of a romantic deep within The Fart Man. I needed to set it free by showing The Fart Man that it was perhaps love, not hate, that he felt towards Jel. I prepared my response carefully, and said:
"Bro, you're gay."
[The Fart Man has logged off.]
"I don't think you hate Jel. You love him."
"Your love was once beautiful, but your obsession"
"has darkened your feelings."
I had much more to say, but I looked up from my keyboard and I noticed that he logged off after I called him gay.
Still to this day, I wonder what became of The Fart Man. I hope that he worked things out with Jel and that they're both doing well.