Work Text:
Hey Hailey,
It’s been a minute huh?
Well I just wanted to write and say, Merry Christmas! I know we aren’t exactly friends anymore and you don’t want to see me, (trust me the being ignored in corridors and over text speaks volumes) but I can’t fault you and say it isn’t justified… I’m really writing to apologise, to the club yes, but, mainly to you Hailey.
I know I’m probably annoying you with the continual pestering so I decided I’d send you this letter! You’ll be able to read it in private with no one around, with no pressure to answer or anything because I realised how anxious you looked when I would approach you in school and I’m sorry for that.
This letter will be my last time I reach out, if you ever want to try fix things I’m here to talk, you always know where I am, even if you just want a shoulder to cry on and no one else is around I’ll happily lend you mine and you can punch me on your way out or something. I dunno I’m just rambling at this point.
But it feels rude to keep approaching you and the club the way I am when you guys clearly don’t appreciate it, so I’m going to stop, but I don’t want you to think I’m stopping because I don’t care anymore or I’ve given up, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Music has always been my passion and I’ve kicked myself everyday for saying what I said because it got me kicked out of the club, because I lost the best thing I’d ever had in my life. And sure being in a band was cool and all but really I miss you and the others, I miss the band rehearsals and hangouts we had, I never had to be a certain way with you guys. There were no mean comments or expectations flying around, it was just us lot messing around and I really miss it.
Y’know I still haven’t told my mum I fell out with you guys? I know you’d ask me why the heck I haven’t yet but I just don’t have the heart, you know parents, all they ever want is the best for their kids and I’ve realised that you guys were that best for me, that I don’t fit with Drew and the others. At least I don’t like I used to, being with you guys brought out a version of me I thought was gone. You asked me once, in your room, why I was still friends with “those jerks”. I remember I gave you some response about how they’d helped me out of the bullying, honestly I think you should’ve knocked some serious sense into me because I was thinking about that question the other night, and now? I don’t think I have any good reason at all.
I’ve been talking to Daisy and Lia about everything and I’ve decided I’m slowly just going to try drift out of the friend group and away from the other guys, I can’t keep being friends with them while knowing how they treat you guys. I really don’t know how I didn’t realise it before but I’m not afraid to admit that I’m an idiot for it. I knew that they were jerks but I didn’t say anything? What kind of friend does that??? Either way, I know they’re worse now that I’ve had to stop hanging out with you guys, they seem to think I’m dumb, that ignoring you guys when I’m around will appease me but I’ve heard from Daisy, Lia and Elliot the way they’re treating you when I’m not around and it’s worse than before. I won’t make the same mistake of just condoning this or turning a blind eye to it.
This isn’t some attempt to sway you into letting me join the club or be your friend again by the way, as much as I would love both things I’m doing this because I’ve realised how, even though my words in that recording hurt you, my ignorance hurt you far worse. I don’t want anything I say in this letter to make you feel bad for me or anything like that, and I’m not saying that you would but I’m also not gonna sit here and pretend I don’t know you.
This might be toeing the line but I guess if you are reading this, could you maybe tell me you’re doing okay? Like sincerely as well? No bullshit, ‘I’m fine’ and how I shouldn’t worry. You obviously don’t have to because I can’t tell you to do anything but it’d be good to know you’re doing well, and if you aren’t and I have hurt you, there’s nothing stopping you from telling me to ‘F off’ or something along those lines haha.
I just miss seeing your smile in the halls and I guess part of me just wants to check that you are still smiling when I’m not there pulling your mood down. I miss you in particular a lot you know, when I think of my best friend you still pop up in my head far before anyone else. I miss your sarcasm and wit, and your tendency to take the piss out of me, like when i trip on my own feet nowadays I wait for you to laugh and call me an idiot. It isn’t as nice when Drew does it.
I miss your hugs too, is it strange to say they would remind me of my mom’s hugs? Maybe that’s weird of me to say but I dunno their was just that similar feeling, not like a physical one, but a mental one like I felt warm and safe? whatever I’m probably not making any sense Plus, I know I already said it but I really do miss your smile the most out of anything. I miss realising which jokes would get the best laugh out of you or what stupid faces I had to make to get you to break your “super serious club president act” and smile at me. I just hope that even though I’ve completely ruined our friendship, and hurt you the way that I have, that you’re still smiling with the club and your family and whenever you get your next good song idea or when you perfect a new chord sequence for a song on your guitar.
I could honestly keep going but i don’t really want this letter to sound creepy. how does my awkwardness carry over in writing what the f I still hate that failed you when we were in the hallway, that was when I should’ve said something. But I didn’t and that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting for as long as I live.
So all I have left is that I’m sorry Hailey, for everything.
Regrettably not yours at all,
Jake