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A coma is a strange thing, Su-ho realises. There's different factors to it. Something like the before, and the after. A clear distinction. A thick, black line between his memories.
It's not that his coma felt like anything in particular, and for him, it was over in a breath. No, it's not him that has changed somewhen between the before, and the after. The people around him have. At first, it freaked him out a little. To him, the anger and frustration from Beom-seok’s betrayal are still fresh in his mind. A little cloudy, but there, undeniably present. Of course, in the time he's spent awake since his coma, he's been told many things—what happened to Si-eun after he fell unconscious, and how those bastards all got what they deserved. Except for the main bastard, of course, because ultimately, Si-eun is too kind of a person.
That's another factor: Si-eun.
While he also changed from before to after, Su-ho realises that he hasn't changed all that much. He's a little lighter now. More tired. Sweeter. Though, Su-ho would argue that punk has always been pretty sweet.
“I don't know how to describe it,” he finally says after a long while, leaning back in the chair with his hands in the pockets of his jacket. His gaze is absent-minded, staring up at the ceiling to avoid looking at the one thing that always ends up breaking his composure.
There's a slow hum from Hu-min—One of Si-eun's new friends. A good guy. At first, Su-ho didn't like any of them. Or maybe he didn't like knowing they were able to be there for Si-eun, while he wasn't. It didn't take long for him to realise, however, that they're good guys. Especially Hu-min, from what he's been told. A strong, selfless person, who's helped Si-eun a lot. His jealousy faded after a few stories. “I’ve heard other people say that it's similar to sleeping,” he says, a smile on his lips. “It doesn't look very different from the outside either.”
Su-ho nods, but before he can say anything—
“It's not the same at all.”
Immediately, Su-ho's jaw clenches. Ah, he really hates this. He's been trying not to think about it, because it's been a while since he woke up, but he feels really guilty whenever Si-eun speaks. Whenever he's near him. Even just the mention of his name makes Su-ho feel like there's a knife twisting in his chest. And yet, despite it all, his gaze flicks over to the guy he knows has suffered the most because of his coma. “It’s not the same,” Si-eun repeats, quietly. His gaze is lowered, and he's sitting there with his hands limp between his legs, between Hu-min and Jun-tae. From this angle, he always looks like he's sulking. Maybe he is.
Without elaborating, Si-eun goes quiet again, and Su-ho lets out a slow sigh. The other three start talking again, but now that his eyes are resting on him, he can't turn his gaze away.
After eating dinner together, Hyeon-tak and Jun-tae leave first. It seems that they're pretty tight-knit. It's actually kind of cute, Su-ho thinks. He watches them leave with an amused gaze, rocking the chair he's sitting on dangerously. “What are you guys going to do now?” Hu-min asks, and Su-ho glances back at him.
There's hesitation lingering in the air. This time when he looks at Si-eun, the other meets his gaze, and—Well. That's one thing that hasn't changed in the slightest. Those bothersome eyes, that gaze that drives Su-ho absolutely insane. Yeon Si-eun. A fitting name for someone with a face like that. Dangerous. Even when they first met, Su-ho was convinced there was something toxic in that stare of his. The way it makes him feel a little lightheaded should be studied. “Me and Si-eun are going for a walk.” What is he saying?
Whatever. That gaze doesn't leave his, and Su-ho wonders if anyone else can also see the glowing tension born from their staring contest.
For a moment, no one says anything.
Then, Su-ho stands up, and kicks at the chair to push it back beneath the table. He pulls one of his hands out of his pocket, and makes his way over to Si-eun, grabbing his arm. Is it bad that just by Hu-min’s stare he can tell that being allowed to touch Si-eun without consequences is still special? “I see. Well, I'll be heading home then,” Baku huffs, sounding a mixture of amused, and fond as he gets up too.
Only when he leaves the small restaurant as well does Si-eun finally stand up. Slow. Like he's trying to avoid whatever is coming.
Maybe he knows that being alone, just the two of them, hasn't been an occurrence ever since Su-ho woke up. Maybe he knows why. And, maybe, he doesn't want to talk about it.
Too bad.
“Come on,” Su-ho says, looking away from that constantly sullen face, and turning around to leave, letting go of his best friend's arm. After all, he knows that he'll follow him anyway. For reasons he can't quite explain.
Outside, the night air is cold. They've been hanging out for a long time. Even if it's been a few weeks—almost two months—he's still not very close to the others. There's a lot of things they want to know, and a lot of things he's willing to tell them. So, seeing them always turns out to take longer than expected. He doesn't mind. It's a good excuse to see the person he actually comes for.
As he takes a deep breath, and exhales, the air forms a soft, barely visible cloud in front of his face. Cold.
Su-ho turns his head, and watches as the shorter boy walks only a metre or so behind him, head a little lowered. He's staring at the ground, and his hands are fidgeting with his sleeves, almost unnoticeable. Without thinking, he stops walking, making Si-eun look up at him with that face. A little confused, soft, but still guarded. He always looks like he's pouting. That thought makes Su-ho huff in amusement, and he turns towards the other while unzipping his jacket. “Hm?” Si-eun gives, blinking as he watches his friend undress. It's a little funny; being able to watch the cogs in his brain work.
Wordlessly, Su-ho takes off his jacket, and wraps it around Si-eun's shoulders. He even grabs the other's arm again to help him put it on, but his hand is shaken off.
“I can do it myself,” Si-eun insists quietly, not resisting the jacket. Hopefully it's because he knows that Su-ho wouldn't accept a no, in this matter. Just like how he never accepted a no when it came to giving his only helmet to the other.
Unfortunately, this time, Su-ho regrets his own choice a little bit.
It's unfair, isn't it? How the jacket is just the slightest bit too big on Si-eun, covering his hands, and making him look even more like he's sulking. The worst thing about it all is that he's wearing it, and he's looking at him with those eyes again, and Su-ho really can't take this anymore. None of this is fair. It's not. He doesn't understand how he's survived being friends with the other for so long. Though, even before, he knows that he wasn't very composed whenever his friend looked at him like this.
An annoyed sigh leaves him, and he stares Si-eun down for a long moment. The street lights make his dark eyes look glassy, and they're so wide when he looks up, and why are his lips parted?
Su-ho raises a hand, and covers Si-eun's eyes with it, feeling his body relax the moment that gaze leaves him. “What are you doing…?” that punk has the audacity of asking, and it's also unfair that he doesn't push away his hand. Part of him wants to ask if Si-eun would complain about this if someone else did it. If he's still special. He must be. Or maybe he's grown too cocky. Really, he can't help it. After all, he's heard about all the things Si-eun did for him, even though he was in a coma. How can he not grow cocky?
“You’re being cute. It's pissing me off,” Su-ho replies honestly, because he's called him cute so often already that it really doesn't matter now.
But.
Oh, but.
Si-eun has changed a little.
Because when Su-ho removes his hand from his face, slowly, intentionally letting his fingers graze the other's lips, Si-eun is averting his gaze. He's averting his gaze, and there's a little quirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, a smile glowing in and out of existence as he turns away ever so slightly.
For a moment, Su-ho just stares.
“Ha…? Now you're just doing it on purpose. You're trying to make fun of me,” he scoffs in disbelief, watching as Si-eun shifts where he stands, and tries way too hard not to smile. It's adorable. And it's annoying. Su-ho really can't stand this guy—can’t stand how his eyes look when he smiles. Seriously. Did his name give him these powers? Yeon. It must have. Su-ho swears he's never found a guy pretty, but Jesus Christ.
Without really realising it, Su-ho's hand moves upwards again. His fingers brush against the other's jaw, and the reaction it causes is way too pleasing: Si-eun’s smile falters a little, and then it fades entirely. He swallows. Swallows. Then, he looks up at Su-ho again, and he presses his lips together for a moment before parting them. He must be doing that on purpose. He's doing it on purpose.
What did Su-ho plan on doing again? He pulled Si-eun out here with a purpose; what was it?
Genuinely, he doesn't quite recall.
He takes a deep breath, and bites his lip, averting his gaze for a moment. Though, truthfully, he's just scouting the area. Luckily they walked a little bit, so the restaurant is far enough away. There's no other people near them either. Why does that matter?
Well. Su-ho is pretty sure he's about to do something really stupid.
Without thinking too much, he looks back at Si-eun, and the hand on his jaw moves to the back of his neck. It only takes a little tug, and the shorter boy stumbles closer. Immediately, Su-ho wraps his other arm around him. It seems to startle him, judging by how his eyes widen ever so slightly. Now he's just staring. All surprised, and stupid looking. Not like Si-eun at all.
Even though Su-ho is shameless, and loud, and he doesn't shy away from saying what he thinks—It’s a little different when it's about the things he feels. He doesn't quite understand what is wrong with him. If he asked, Si-eun could probably find the perfect answer to the psychology behind why he can't talk about his feelings. It's hard. He doesn't really have the words to express them anyway. Or, at least his tongue doesn't. In his head, he has a vague sense of them. After all, when he looks at Si-eun like this, his mind is producing them all by itself.
So, if he could, he would tell him that he saved him. Maybe others would guess that it's the other way around, but really, Si-eun saved him. Back then, when they met, he remembers waking up in school in the morning, and actually having a reason to stay awake during the majority of his classes. Before, he was pretty sure that he'd just quit highschool, and work even more than he already was, at that time. Meeting Si-eun, and learning things about him…It made him want to graduate with him. Maybe just so he could call the other a nerd.
His part time jobs felt less daunting. Su-ho always hated having to work so much. He was fully ready to do it, and he wouldn't have quit, no matter what, but it had always felt like a means to survive, nothing else. At least until Si-eun appeared whenever he was working, like the universe was sending some strange signs. He wanted to work harder, so he could set aside some money, and treat his friend to a meal.
Maybe they saved each other, in a way.
All Su-ho knows is that despite all the pain he went through for him, Si-eun made life something worth fighting for.
The knot in his throat stops him from saying any of those thoughts.
So, instead, Su-ho lets his gaze drop down to pouty lips.
He leans in, and presses a chaste, gentle kiss to them.
They feel nice. A little dry, but so soft that he doesn't hesitate before he leans in again. Surprisingly, Si-eun doesn't stop him.
At first, he thinks that the other is just going along with it, and is just accepting it because of the special treatment Su-ho has earned himself. Then, he pulls away to scan Si-eun's expression, and his pessimistic thoughts immediately stand corrected:
Lips parted, and eyes heavy-lidded, Si-eun is staring up at him with a stare that is so intense that Su-ho can hear his thoughts. They're messy, just like his. They sound a little like his, too.
“Si-eun-ah,” he says.
The shorter boy swallows, still staring.
With a little huff, Su-ho tilts his head, placing another kiss to the other's lips. And another. And another, another, another. Until those pretty eyes fall shut, and Su-ho is grinning a little with satisfaction. He presses his lips to Si-eun's cheek, and his jaw, and the shell of his ear before whispering: “Don’t let other people do this. And don't look at them like that either…They might get the wrong idea.”
In response, Si-eun gives him a little huff. It sounds annoyed, but his mask is betrayed by the way he nuzzles into the side of Su-ho's throat. “Why would I let anyone else do this?” the shorter boy asks, matter-of-factly, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
It really isn't.
It isn't, and it makes Su-ho's heart hammer against his ribcage in a way that's almost a little painful.
“Psycho,” he huffs quietly, lips twitching, because if he wouldn't have said this, he would have said something far too honest. His head turns, and he stands upright, moving a hand up to ruffle his own hair. His face feels hot. Su-ho has never felt this flustered before.
Just as he's about to move away, Si-eun moves forward, and pressed his face into his shoulder. His breath is tickling against the space where his shirt meets his neck, and his arms are limp at his sides. The red jacket he's wearing doesn't suit him at all, and still, it looks good in a way that surely has to do with Su-ho's strange thoughts. He doesn't think before he moves a hand to the back of Si-eun's head, playing with his hair as they stand there. Silently. Neither of them says anything, even though it's probably about time they do.
A little huff leaves him. “Aish. I'm freezing,” he says, loudly, maybe a bit dramatically. It's not even that cold. “We should go home.”
Slowly, Si-eun pulls back, looking up at him with a gaze that's terrifyingly knowing. Of course, because Su-ho isn't being very subtle. He’s never been very good at subtlety. The shorter boy's lips twitch, not quite into a smile, and then he nods, averting his gaze. “Mh. Let’s go.”
When they arrive at Si-eun's apartment, his mother isn't home. She hasn't been for a couple days now, and won't be back for another three. It's nothing out of the ordinary, and even though Su-ho wants to be glad that they're alone, he finds himself worrying. Has Si-eun gotten better at staying alone? He never complained, even before, but it was always obvious. The way his eyes were a little lonely.
However, before he can ask, Si-eun turns around to look at him as they stand in the entrance, their shoes already off.
It doesn't seem like he wants to say anything, and he doesn't move either. For some reason, Su-ho lets out an amused huff, swallowing. The light is turned on, but it's not very bright, and in warm lighting, Si-eun looks a little less tired. His hand twitches with the urge to reach out, and as always, he simply lets it move on its own. Why start behaving rationally now, when they've already come this far? His fingers trail against Si-eun's jaw, and the other swallows, staring up at him like he's trying to read Su-ho's thoughts. Slowly, his fingers make their way up to Si-eun's forehead, where he taps them against the skin before letting them fall. “You always think so much,” Su-ho says, uncharacteristically quietly as he tilts his head. “What are you thinking now?”
For a few, long seconds, it's completely silent again.
Then, Si-eun’s gaze flicks from left to right between Su-ho's eyes, until it falls, and Su-ho's breathing stops.
He's not sure who moves first, but it's probably him.
There's a starved kind of hunger at the back of his throat, urging him forward, and before he knows it, Su-ho presses Si-eun against the wall of the entrance way, and kisses him again.
Instead of soft, chaste pecks, his lips move against his, parting, and closing around Si-eun's.
His hands are eager too.
One of them moves to Si-eun's face, while the other grabs at his shirt beneath the jacket, pulling him closer while pushing him forward with the intensity of his kiss.
Their lips melt together, and he can hear Si-eun breathing through his nose.
It feels different than their kisses earlier, outside. The other feels a bit warmer, and he can feel the thrumming of Si-eun's pulse under his fingers.
Closer.
Su-ho pushes in further, opening his mouth some more, and sucking one of those pouty lips between his teeth.
It makes Si-eun’s breath hitch.
The shorter one lets out a breathy sigh into his mouth, his hands moving from Su-ho's chest to his shoulders, and his neck, pulling him closer.
Just as Su-ho smiles a little into the kiss, and drags his tongue across Si-eun's lips—Si-eun pushes at his shoulders.
He wants to complain, and there's already a huff leaving him, eyes opening to stare down at the other boy. However, when he sees him, he can't say anything. No complaints, no thoughts, nothing. Nothing at all.
Si-eun is looking up at him with a dazed gaze, and his eyebrows are the slightest bit furrowed, wet lips parted, head tipped back against the wall. It startles Su-ho a little, letting out a huff of disbelief. However, the craziest thing is that, somehow, Si-eun is tugging off the jacket he's wearing while looking like that. That sight does something to him. Quite a few things actually, and Su-ho has to avert his gaze, swallowing.
Why are you taking that off?
The rational part of his brain knows that, logically, it's just because they're inside now. Of course Si-eun would take it off.
Then, Si-eun lets it drop to the ground before he toes off his shoes, and tugs at Su-ho’s head to make him look at him again.
Dangerous.
Su-ho swallows. Dangerous.
“I give you too little credit…You certainly know what you’re doing, psycho.”
With a little tip of his head, Si-eun huffs.
Neither of them hesitates—They meet halfway, mouths clashing together again, Su-ho a little more eager than Si-eun. Though, he's pretty sure that it doesn't come as a surprise.
One of Si-eun's hands suddenly pushes into short hair, tugging, and it makes the taller of the two grin.
As they stumble through the apartment blindly, unable to let go of each other now, Su-ho briefly wonders when they'll clean up all the things they knock over. However, when Si-eun's lips trail down to his throat, all of those worries evaporate in an instant.
He should've done this way earlier.
Sunlight peeks through the curtains in the room, and it gently falls over Si-eun's skin, making it glow. It's a pretty sight, even if Su-ho wishes that he'd turn around onto his back, so he could look at his face. One of his hands reaches out, and he trails his fingers along the other's spine, down, down, down, until the blanket stops him from continuing to his hips.
A little huff leaves him, and he leans the weight of his head onto his palm, expression blank as he just…Stares. “Who knew that you could make faces like that?” Su-ho whispers, almost sounding amused. “I’ve learnt new things about you, Si-eun-ah.”
At that, the shorter boy seems to stir.
His face buries further into the pillow, and he shifts his hips a little, probably sore. “Stop talking. Sleep.”
Su-ho's lips pull into a grin, and he drops his arm, leaning closer. He kisses the other's shoulder a few times before he nuzzles into the back of Si-eun's neck, making him twitch.
“Date me,” he says, just like that.
It doesn't seem like Si-eun has any big reaction to it. His head turns slightly, until one of his eyes is peeking out from the pillow, glaring. “You’re lame,” he whispers, staying silent for a long moment, giving Su-ho time to scoff in disbelief. Then, he hides his face again, and hums. “Mh. Sure.”
Even despite what happened last night, Su-ho stares at the other in surprise.
Then, he drapes himself over Si-eun's back, and grins, hands trailing down the other's waist. “What was that? Didn't hear you. Repeat it,” Su-ho insists, clearly pleased with himself as he kissed over sun-bathed skin.
An annoyed huff is the only answer he gets, an arm pushing at him.
Su-ho snorts.
“Si-eun-ah. Say it properly. I might misunderstand,” he tries, then, backing up a little.
Finally, finally, the boy props himself up a little. His hair is messy, and he's clearly tired, eyes a little half-lidded as he sends Su-ho a glare. For a second, he doesn't say anything, just lets out a long sigh, exasperated. “I’ll date you, just shut up now,” Si-eun mutters, a twitch in his lips betraying his annoyance as he quickly buries himself back into the sheets.
God.
Su-ho might be the luckiest person in the entire world.
With a cocky grin, he drapes his arm over Si-eun's back, and moves closer. His eyes fall shut, and he lets out a soft hum.
“Deal.”