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Alia is having a day. The problem is that nothing is wrong. The problem is that everything is wrong.
It’s all too loud, it’s too busy, she doesn’t know what she’s doing but she has to know what she’s doing. Getting out of bed was an ordeal in itself. She can’t even blame fatigue, she’s been getting enough sleep lately. It’s not even from a migraine or stress. Everything is perfectly fine.
Except she feels like she’s walking through syrup.
This happens sometimes, though it’s been a while since the last time it did. Having a goal on her mind helps, it pushes her forward and doesn’t give her time to think about the greater things. Probably not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it works and she doesn’t really know how to change it. Moving to Japan and coming to Tracen and then managing to be Fuji’s trainer all within a month was a whirlwind. It was all new and exciting! But things have been slowing down lately.
She’s just been staring at her computer screen in her office blankly for 20 minutes now.
Alia sighs and buries her face in her hands. Her first three years with Fuji have come and gone. She has no plans of ever ending anything with Fuji, but she still has to talk to Fuji about her own goals. Will she stay in the Twinkle Series? Will she move on to the Dream Trophy League? Or does Fuji herself wish to retire from racing in general? All these thoughts swirl in Alia’s head and she feels a bead of tension in her shoulders before suddenly…nothing.
Which is how this goes. It irks her for a second, before once again, going numb. She lifts her head up and stares at her screen, willing the words on it to make sense and absorb into her brain. Percentages and training methods that just don’t stick. Alia wishes she could get pissed off right now.
The only thing she can do is soldier through it, it’s what she’s used to doing after all. She’ll be better eventually. Today just sucks is all. It’ll be fine. It always is.
Voices in the hallway, lots of them. Laughter and loud talking. How long has she been staring at her screen? Classes must’ve let out for the day. Alia grimaces as a particularly loud laugh slams into her brain in a bad way. Opera O, maybe. Usually it’s endearing, even a bit comforting to hear the voices all around campus.
But right now it’s too much.
Maybe she can actually get pissed off after all. Which is great, she’s feeling something! Which is bad, she’s pissed off. She’s now mad that she’s mad. It’s an endless cycle because she shouldn’t be mad. It’s a stupid reason to be mad, and being mad just isn’t good. Alia grits her teeth and drops her head on her desk, covering her head with her arms. Just a tiny break, that’s all she needs right now. Just a small 5 minute breather.
She doesn’t notice the door opening, but she does notice the hand on her shoulder. Alia jumps almost violently as she pulls back and scoots away in her office chair. Fuji is standing there, hand held up and surprise on her face. Alia feels a slight spark of comfort flicker in her chest at seeing Fuji. She has a quick thought of burying her face into Fuji’s shoulder and staying there until everything calms down.
She blinks. That’s a new one.
She extinguishes the thought just as fast as it came. It felt almost pitiful to want and the thought of being pitied makes Alia’s skin crawl. Besides, Fuji is here because they still have training to do, though Alia recalls saying they’d meet up at the track today.
“Forgive me,” Fuji speaks up “I didn’t mean to startle you. I honestly thought you had fallen asleep at your desk. Again.”
She says again very pointedly and Alia winces. Fuji channeled a dorm leader and sort of got onto Alia recently about taking care of herself more. The dorm leader just happened to be Hishi Amazon. Fuji definitely knew her regular method wasn’t going to get Alia to change anything. Apparently working until 2 am was seen as bad for your health or something. She did her best to listen. Fuji was right after all, plus the last thing she wants to do is worry her, or hell, disappoint her.
Alia shakes her head, quickly trying to figure out how to explain it to Fuji. “No, not asleep. Things just uh….got really loud outside?”
Is that a good enough explanation?
Judging by the look on Fuji’s face, it wasn’t.
She frowns. “True that classes were released just now,” Fuji puts a hand on her chin, “but other than Opera O, everyone was speaking at a relatively normal volume.” She looks at Alia, scanning her face.
“Do you have a migraine again? Or are you on the verge of one?” Her concern makes Alia’s insides twist and the urge to hide once again rears its ugly head.
She has to figure out how to explain it. Fuji is going to worry herself into a tizzy if she doesn’t, and then will do everything in her power to make Alia feel better. Which makes her own brain go into overdrive. Making Fuji worry and attempt to make her feel better would make Alia feel bad. Then she has to figure out future goals while feeling bad. She has laundry to do when she gets home too, not to mention dishes in the sink that need washed where they’ve been piling up. And then the upcoming bills-
That’s right Fuji is staring at her still, she’s waiting for an answer. Alia needs to answer.
She needs everything to just stop.
She blinks hard, tears welling up and then forcing them back down. “No migraine, my head is completely fine.” She tries to smile at Fuji to really sell it.
Fuji catches on immediately, somehow. She’s always been good at reading Alia, both to her relief and annoyance at times. Fuji’s concern turns into skepticism. She absolutely knows that Alia is hiding something.
Alia has the urge to just grab Fuji’s hand.
She doesn’t usually have all these urges to touch, to feel. Fuji somehow brings it out of her. She’s held herself back so many times from just doing such mundane things. Brushing her hair from her face, grabbing her hand, from even just hugging her. The most she ever allows herself is leaning into Fuji’s shoulder when standing side by side, nothing more. She didn’t want to come off as some sort of creepy weirdo.
“Alia,” Fuji looks at her. Says her name with so much care it hurts, “what’s wrong?”
Alia hesitates for just a second. She looks Fuji in the eyes, scanning her face looking for anything that could turn into a tease or a joke. She doesn’t see anything of the sort. Just genuine concern, plus maybe the elephant in the room neither of them have addressed just yet and one that Alia still refuses to address first.
The best way for Alia to explain is to just be blunt about it.
“I don’t feel good.” She says simply.
She sees Fuji start to open her mouth. “Ah,” she begins to clarify, “physically fine. It’s a brain thing.” Which isn’t really much of a clarification but this time it got the point across.
Alia chews her lip. Usually she thinks once, twice, three times before speaking. For now, she’s just going to let it all out. “I don’t know, Fuji. It’s been so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t know what I’m doing, just for everything.”
Alia begins to wring her hands together, “I have so much I have to do and I know I need to do it one step at a time but the list keeps getting bigger and I’m so tired. But I’m NOT tired, but I am tired and I can’t focus.” She says it all rapidly, like she’s afraid Fuji would stop her from speaking before she was done.
Fuji clearly wasn’t expecting this. Alia has probably only confided to Fuji about personal matters a handful of times. It’s something she’s working on. She’s working on a lot of things. It’s just hard to do that and not think of herself as a burden.
Alia feels her anxiety rising suddenly, and starts to stutter out an apology. “Ah- no sorry, I’m sorry. Forget I said anything actually I’ll be fi-“ Fuji puts her hands on her shoulders, effectively silencing her blubbering mess.
“Alia.” She says firmly. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for being overwhelmed.” She smiles at Alia, her thumbs starting to rub small, comforting circles on her.
Fuji’s hands on her shoulders are grounding, and Alia looks up at the girl in front of her. Fuji’s eyebrows are drawn together tightly in such a way and Alia just wants to-
Oh, to hell with it.
“Fuji I-“ Alia’s eyes flicker back and forth on Fuji’s face. “can I be selfish for just a second please? If you don’t like it let me know but…”
“You hardly let yourself be selfish,” Fuji answers her, smiling “you’re allowed to be selfish every once in a while Alia. It’s okay.”
That was all the reassurance Alia needs. She stands up fast, so fast it could almost be mistaken for a lunge. Fuji makes a noise of surprise, but doesn’t push her away. For once Alia listens to the little urge in her chest and wraps her arms around Fuji, burying her face in the other girls neck, doing her best to block out the outside world and surround herself with nothing but the person in front of her. Fuji smells nice, a strange mix of the turf she runs on and some sort of faint fruit of her shampoo. Apple, maybe? Alia isn’t sure.
Fuji says nothing but Alia feels arms wrap around her in kind, a strong and steady embrace that has her sighing. The longer they stand there, the more Alia relaxes in Fuji’s arms. She can’t feel anything other than Fuji, she can’t see anything other than Fuji, and the only sounds she hears is her breathing and her heartbeat. A heartbeat that may or may not be beating much faster than normal. Alia panics for a second. Is she making Fuji uncomfortable? How long have they been standing there? She goes to pull away when Fuji shifts first.
“One moment,” Fuji murmurs in her ear. “This will be more comfortable for the both of us.” The arms around Alia’s back move down and she is suddenly no longer touching the floor. She yelps and it’s by sheer instinct her legs wrap around Fuji’s waist.
Her legs are wrapped around Fuji Kiseki’s waist.
Fuji Kiseki is now carrying her.
Fuji Kiseki is now carrying her easily.
Alia’s face burns. She forgets everything she was just worrying about in this moment. She has a new thing to focus on suddenly and it’s the fact that her legs were wrapped around the waist of her trainee. Her trainee who happens to be Fuji Kiseki, by the way. Who’s known for being a notorious flirt with her darling ponies. Her trainee who holds her like she’s weightless. Who is currently looking at her like an object to be treasured.
“Fuji,” she hisses out. “What are you doing?”
Since she’s being held up, Alia is now slightly above Fuji’s eye level. Fuji looks up at her innocently. “I did say I was going to make this more comfortable for the both of us.”
She’s grinning. This jerk knows exactly what she’s doing and she’s having the time of her life doing it.
Alia has to rein this in, god knows what would happen if someone walked in right now. Face still red but holding eye contact somehow, Alia tries to reason with her. “Fuji, there’s no way holding me up for god knows how long can be comfortable.”
Fuji makes a contemplative face and Alia gets a sudden sinking feeling in her gut.
“You’re completely correct, my dear trainer.” Fuji’s grin grows wider and Alia knows as soon as the “dear trainer” came out she’s somehow walked into a trap. “Let’s move this somewhere else, shall we?”
Fuji starts walking around the desk, still effortlessly holding Alia which is something she’s both extremely aware of and trying not to think about at the same time, and makes way towards the couch in her office. Alia sees the destination and starts to short circuit.
“Fuji?? Fuji what are you-“ she doesn’t get to finish the sentence as Fuji plops down on the couch with Alia in her lap. Alia has a complicated mix of emotions in her body currently and she isn’t sure what to make of any of it.
“There,” Fuji says, almost smugly, “it’s much nicer being able to sit down, wouldn’t you agree?”
Alia is staring down at Fuji in bewildered shock. This is cosmic karma for the stunt Alia pulled during Christmas wasn’t it? It’s the fact that Alia doesn’t want to move that’s shocking her the most. This is the most physical contact she’s had with someone in…she doesn’t even know how long.
The numbness she felt earlier is long gone and now she’s overwhelmed in a completely different way and she can’t tell if it’s good or bad just yet. She’s leaning heavily towards good though. She is aware however, with the new height difference she can’t actually bury herself into Fuji’s shoulder anymore. The bead of irritation in her shoulders comes back and she makes a face, trying to figure out what to do.
Realistically she should stand up, nip this in the bud seeing as they’re technically in public. But even though Fuji is stupidly smug about her stunt she just pulled, Alia notices the look in her eyes hasn’t changed. She’s still looking at Alia like she’s the most precious thing in the world. It makes her stomach twirl in a strange way and she hesitates.
Well. Fuji did say she’s allowed to be selfish every now and again.
“C’mere.” Alia mumbles, shifting off Fuji for a second and guiding her to follow her lead.
Fuji, for all of her earlier bravado, sees what Alia is doing and gets nearly as red as her. “Are you sure?” She asks, starting to comply with Alia but waiting for a verbal confirmation to go any further.
Alia has moved to lay down on the couch, tugging Fuji’s arm so she lays down with her. She’s allowed to be selfish so by god she’ll be selfish and let herself have this one thing, Fuji willing.
Alia doesn’t want to speak anymore, it’s too much effort and she’s too tired from everything that’s happened in the past 15 minutes. She just wants to not think for a while and her Umamusume shaped pillow is being stupidly respectful and not moving. Alia hums and nods, pulling Fuji down with a bit more force. Getting the confirmation, Fuji easily falls down next to her.
The couch is just big enough for the two of them to lay side by side next to each other. Alia doesn’t wanna think any harder about this position they’re in and instead grabs Fuji’s shirt and pulls herself in, effectively cutting out the outside world again. She feels Fuji hesitate, clearly debating something. Her arms once again wrap around Alia’s back, albeit a bit more wiggling involved now. This time one hand goes up to card through Alia’s hair and Alia melts into the touch. Fuji immediately notices it and Alia both feels and hears her chuckling. As comfortable as she is, she has to make sure of something, but Fuji’s hand on her scalp is making it hard to form a coherent thought.
“Is this okay?” She manages to mumble into Fuji’s shoulder.
Fuji snorts, the hand in Alia’s hair pausing, and she almost grunts in displeasure at the loss of contact. “You’re far too kind for your own good Alia.” Fuji mumbles into her hair. “I promise you I’ve never been more comfortable and happier than in this moment.”
Fuji starts to scratch at the base of Alia’s scalp again, almost shutting her down. Never been more comfortable and happier? Alia feels a warmth spreading through her chest. She holds back a smile and nuzzles herself deeper into Fuji’s shoulder, slurring out, “Big talk.”
“I am an entertainer after all,” Fuji says, “big talk is what I excel in.”
Alia hums in agreement. Fuji’s hand in her hair and the sound of her heartbeat is sending her into a comfortable coma. She can’t remember the last time she’s ever been this relaxed.
However, Alia has a nagging feeling in the back of her head she can’t exactly pinpoint. The more she tries, the further she slips away. She isn’t sure how much time passes. Alia is stuck between the state of awake and asleep, when out of nowhere she realizes what she had been trying to think of. Her eyes snap open. She’s still absolutely in her office and if anyone looked into the windows they could see what was happening. She would prefer NOT to have rumors flying about what she does in her office. She jolts back, spooking Fuji who instinctively holds onto Alia tighter so she can’t fall off the couch.
Alia looks at Fuji, who must’ve been falling asleep herself. Her eyes were hazy and she was squinting in confusion at Alia, the longer parts of her hair falling forward into her eyes. Just this once Alia allows herself to reach out and fix her bangs, before pulling back out of Fuji’s grasp and sitting up.
“Fuji. That…um.” She’s now looking at anywhere but Fuji. Scanning the doorway and windows to see if there was anyone who saw what had just happened.
“You’re overthinking again.” Fuji helpfully points out, her voice slightly raspy from sleep. While Alia had sat up, Fuji was still lying down staring up languidly at her, “You were so relaxed while cuddling I was hoping your worries had faded away.”
The fact she outright said it was cuddling almost embarrassed Alia more than Fuji carrying her. Almost. She scratches the back of her neck and valiantly tries to fight off the heat in her face.
Fuji slowly sits up with a strange smile on her face that Alia doesn’t ever recall seeing before. “You explained a bit before why you didn’t feel good, but it seemed like you had a hard time putting it into words.”
Fuji carefully grabs one of Alia’s hands. “Do you think now you’d be able to explain it better? Is there anything I can do to help?”
Alia looks down at their hands. Anything she can do to help, Fuji asks. As if she hadn’t just prevented a meltdown of a lifetime by simply holding Alia close. Not that Alia is going to tell her that, at least not yet. They’re both toeing a line. One that neither of them have dared to fully cross yet. Alia may be a dense idiot but even she can see what’s going on here.
And since Alia is being truthful to herself for once, she wants nothing more than to cross that line.
Alia decides to tell a half truth. “You’re helping by just being here.”
Fuji looks pleased by that, but knowing her she’s going to offer to do way more if Alia doesn’t stop her.
“As for what’s going on?” Alia thinks about how to actually word it now. “It happens now and again. Things just get really hard to do for a while and I feel a bit lost. It goes away eventually.” She shrugs it off. Sure it’s hellish during the time it happens but again, it’ll stop being so hard at some point…probably.
Fuji runs her thumb across Alia’s knuckles,“You have a talent for saying some of the most heartbreaking things extremely casually.”
Alia can’t help but give a short laugh. “You’re not wrong.” She feels the need to apologize still, she definitely came on way too strong. “Sorry for all of that, but thank you for being here Fuji.”
Fuji reaches up and scratches her cheek. It’s a nervous tick of her own that Alia has noticed over the years. “It was lucky timing. Actually, I came here to ask you a question before we met up at the turf.”
Alia can feel herself switch to trainer mode in an instant. “Oh? What’s up? Is something wrong?”
“Oh I had a whole thing prepared….” Fuji looks down and whispers to herself, almost to where Alia couldn’t hear her. She most likely didn’t want Alia to hear. She turns back to Alia, speaking up now. “Do you remember the promise we made before?”
Alia stares blankly at her. There’s definitely been a slew of promises they’ve made and she has no idea which specific one Fuji could mean. “Um. Which one?”
Fuji smiles that same, strange soft smile again, “The promise of going on a hot spring vacation together once we had the time, remember?”
Alia absolutely did remember that one. She agreed at the time because she couldn’t say no to Fuji’s puppy dog eyes, even if she herself isn’t a fan of hot springs. She was going to tough it out to make Fuji happy.
“I do remember that…why?” Alia asks hesitantly.
“Well,” Fuji whips out the voucher they won so long ago from seemingly nowhere with an extravagant flourish, “Now seems as good as time as any to go. Perhaps it’ll help you relax more as well, even before today I’ve noticed you’ve been on edge.”
Fuji gives her best award winning smile, “I promise it’ll be a vacation unlike any you’ve ever had.”
Literally how could Alia say no.
Still, Alia shakes her head slightly at Fuji’s antics. She pretends to debate on her answer, watching Fuji shift nervously.
“I did promise after all.” She answers her finally.
The smile on Fuji’s face was absolutely worth it. She brings their still intertwined hands up to her face, ghosting a kiss to the back of Alia’s hand. “It’s a date then.”
If Alia thought she couldn’t get any redder, she was sorely mistaken. This girl will absolutely be the death of her. But…she isn’t dreading this trip for once, in fact she’s kind of excited.
So she’ll play Fuji’s game. Even though she looks like a tomato, Alia smiles back at her. Maybe even issuing a little challenge herself. “I’m looking forward it, Fuji Kiseki.”
The gleam in Fuji’s eyes makes Alia choose a date sooner rather than later.