Chapter Text
Ideal Daily Schedule:
8 am – arrive at office, start paperwork
9.30 am – receive clients, forward cases to Ranpo
12 pm – lunch
12.30 pm – resume work. Research for cases, do fieldwork if necessary
4 pm - process mission reports from other members; Dazai’s first drafts to be copied with annotations and sent back for correction, with the originals placed in the top right corner of the pantry cabinet.
4.30 pm - tea break. Supplies in pantry, to be restocked weekly. Coasters in pantry cabinet, top right corner.
4.35 pm - resume mission report processing
6 pm - write up own reports
8.30 pm - workday ends
Today’s case on behalf of the military. Looking for a roaming tiger. Dazai missing again.
Ideal colleague: respects schedule, pays attention to details, stays focused on case without considering suicide every five minutes, does not attempt suicide every five minutes.
Dazai not ideal colleague.
Will check downstream shortly. Hopefully he will be there and schedule can proceed as planned.
Dazai on canal bank and not in water as I’d predicted. Talking to young child.
“There you are, blockhead!" I yelled.
"Oh hey," the maniac called back. "Nice work, Kunikida-kun!"
Nice work. Like he would know. There is no way his standards are anything like mine.
"And just who caused all this work?" I retorted. "You suicidal maniac! I've had enough of you disrupting my schedule!"
Dazai ignored me, as usual. Turned back to child.
Both their clothes are sopping wet. Reason for Dazai obvious, little brat less so. Did he pull Dazai out? Rescuing drowning people not easy, requires skill and upper body strength. However, this assumes that whoever is drowning does not want to die and will grasp at anything to stay afloat. Somehow doubt this applies to Dazai.
"I have an idea," Dazai is saying. "He's a colleague of mine from work." That would be me. "Let's have him treat you to a meal!"
"Are you even listening to me?!"
"What do you want to eat?" I hear Dazai ask. Apparently not.
The boy has the decency to look embarrassed. "Uh, well, if it's not too much trouble..."
"Oh, there's no need to hold back!" Dazai says, throwing the Agency's money around like water and showing no consideration to his partner who has to write up expense reports and keep track of the budget.
"I'd like to eat... tea on rice."
Dazai remains silent for a moment, then bursts out laughing. Brat seems puzzled.
"A boy on the brink of starvation wants to eat tea on rice? Very well," he spreads his arms like some billionaire twit, "let's have my colleague treat you to thirty bowls of that!"
"Don't get all generous with my money, Dazai!"
The wind picked up moments after I wrote that. I nearly dropped my notebook in the canal. It left an ink smudge on this page. Fortunately my notes were unaffected.
Current expense report: Chazuke x 1 2 3 4 5 14
Have arrived at nearby teahouse. Brat currently stuffing himself with chazuke . So far he has finished more than five bowls and shows no signs of stopping. If he keeps going for much longer I'll have to seriously revise the budget for the next quarter.
Granted, he hasn't eaten in several days, but accounting isn't easy either.
"You're unbelievable," I said to Dazai. "Who goes 'that's a nice river' and jumps into it in the middle of a job?! Look how off-schedule we are now!"
"You really like your schedules, Kunikida-kun," Dazai replied presumptuously.
"This isn't a schedule," I said. "This is an ideal! My guide in life!"
I might have vented my frustration on him a little.
The brat mumbled something through an astonishingly large mouthful of rice.
I might have vented my frustration on him too.
More curious-sounding mumbling from him.
"Like I said, it's a job!"
The brat leaned forward this time. Another mumble that sounded like a question.
"Our job today?" I said. "It involves the military."
"How are you two communicating, actually?" Dazai finally asks.
Before I joined the Agency, I was a teacher. I've had students who didn't speak clearly for one reason or another, whether they had an actual speech impediment or just couldn't be bothered to enunciate properly. I've had students show up to consultation sessions with bento boxes or fast food takeaways. I'm used to it. Dazai should know that.
At least the brat knows how to show gratitude.
He was curious about what exactly we do, so Dazai and I explained it to him. His eyes widened when I mentioned the Armed Detective Agency; evidently he has heard of us. Then they narrowed; evidently he has heard about the ability-users there too.
Hanging health method
I swear, one day, I am going to kill Dazai.
No, he'd probably like that.
The brat had information on the tiger. Perhaps all those bowls of chazuke were worth it after all.
I intimidated him slightly, giving Dazai the opportunity to play “good cop”. He established rapport with the boy, but not before getting in a few digs at me.
I let that slide. There was still a job to do.
He told us about all the times he saw the tiger. His testimony matched the other recorded sightings I had. He seems to believe it’s following him. There is opportunity there.
Dazai is the one to bring it up, of course. He handed me a note to give to the president.
“Don’t tell me you plan to catch the tiger with just the two of you,” I protested. “We should confirm whether his information is accurate first!”
"It’s fine,” was all Dazai said.
Like that, I knew he had a plan. I took the note, unfolding it as I left the teahouse.
“A tiger will appear in the warehouse in the fifteenth district. Secure the perimeter so it can’t get away. ”
Just from that short conversation, Dazai already knows where the tiger will appear next, down to the exact warehouse?
Much as I hate to admit it, I would not put that past him.
Tigers are dangerous beasts. We’ll need all the ability-users we have.
Current Miscellenous Expenses: SO MUCH ALCOHOL (must reprimand Dazai later)
President Fukuzawa agreed with my assessment. I called Ranpo, Kenji and Yosano, and informed them that they needed to come in that night to catch a tiger.
They showed up outside the warehouse at the appointed time. I stood guard with Kenji and Yosano outside, and placed Ranpo up on a nearby hill. He was too valuable to lose to a tiger’s claws or hungry mouth.
Then we waited.
“This tiger is awfully quiet,” Kenji said after twenty minutes.
“I’m sure Dazai knows what he’s doing,” was my reply.
Suddenly muffled screaming came from inside the warehouse. Was that the brat?
Just as suddenly, the screams cut off. Moments later, a tiger growled.
Then it roared, and must’ve sprung, if the sounds of splintering and crashing wood were any indication.
I debated going in, but decided it was unnecessary. Dazai was fast and agile, and an Agency member, not some panicking civilian. If he judged himself to be in danger he would lead the tiger out straight towards us, and let us handle it.
Besides, even if he got mauled by the tiger, as long as he managed to get away before it killed him, no injury was permanent with Yosano around.
Then, just as suddenly, everything went quiet.
We looked at each other, and nodded. We’d be going in.
I walked into the warehouse to see Dazai standing over the brat, who was lying unconscious on the warehouse floor, and no tiger.
“Oh, you’re late, Kunikida-kun,” he said when he saw me. “I’ve captured the tiger.”
“What, it’s this boy?”
“He has the ability to transform into a tiger,” Dazai replied.
“So what was with this note?” I held the note he’d given me out at him.
Dazai read it, eyes wide in a serious manner, then smiled. “It’s an excellent, concise note.”
“You left out the most important detail!” I told him. “Next time, explain in advance. I had to bring in people who weren’t even on call. Take them out for drinks later.”
By now the others had caught up to me.
“What, no casualties?” Yosano said. “How boring.”
“You’ve come a long way, Dazai,” Ranpo said. “Though you still have a ways to go before you even come close to me.”
“But what are we going to do with him?” Kenji asked the important question.
“You’re right,” I said to him. “The ward’s designated him as a major threat. What do you think, Dazai?”
Dazai laughed. We all looked at him.
"I’ve already made a decision,” he said.
He looked at the boy thoughtfully.
“We’ll make him one of us,” he announced.
“Kenji was enthusiastic. Ranpo and Yosano, not so much.
I counted myself in the second group.
“What gives you the right to decide that?” I yelled.
Dazai ignored me, turning to the brat.
“Wake up, boy!”
The brat remained motionless for a few seconds, then blinked groggily and sat up.
“Do you remember nothing at all from when you were transformed?” Dazai asked him.
The brat looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
“But your hand’s still there.” Dazai pointed at it.
A tiger paw? How was that possible? Shouldn’t No Longer Human have reverted it too?
The brat blinked, flexing his fingers (claws?) experimentally. Then he started screaming.
He fainted eventually, of course. We took him back to the dorms and set him up in an empty room.
Right now my colleagues seem determined to drink the bar we're in dry. Except for Kenji, who wants to go shopping for presents "for our newest member".
"Kenji, don't be too eager. The boy hasn't even taken our entrance exam yet," I said. "Though he does need a new shirt-"
"Excellent plan, Kunikida-kun!" Dazai leapt up from his bar stool. "Let's get Atsushi-kun a new wardrobe!"
Yosano perks up at that, her eyes gleaming unnervingly.
This boy is going to make my future entries so much longer, I’m sure of it.